The Gift of Conflict | Amy E. Gallo | TEDxBroadway

Summary

In this insightful talk, the speaker shares a personal anecdote about miscommunication and its consequences, leading to a profound discussion on the importance of disagreeing constructively. She emphasizes the need to overcome our natural aversion to conflict, driven by the desire for likability and the instinctual 'amygdala hijack'. Drawing from research in conflict, emotional intelligence, and negotiation, she offers practical tools for navigating disagreements with empathy and kindness, transforming them into opportunities for growth and connection.

Takeaways

• 😶 Disagreement is often avoided due to fear of conflict or being perceived as unkind, but it is essential for productive communication.
• 🤔 The speaker initially coped with disagreement by venting to a friend instead of addressing issues directly with the person involved.
• 🔥 An accidental email sent to the wrong person led to a realization about the importance of direct communication and the consequences of avoiding difficult conversations.
• 🌼 The speaker learned the importance of apologizing and owning up to mistakes, which can foster better relationships and personal growth.
• 🧠 Our brains can go into 'amygdala hijack' during stress, impairing clear thinking and making it difficult to handle disagreements effectively.
• 🤝 There is a natural human tendency to seek likability and avoid conflict, which can lead to imitating others' behaviors to fit in.
• 📚 The speaker spent three years researching conflict and disagreement to develop tools for navigating conflicts more effectively.
• 🤷‍♀️ Common mistakes in disagreements include making the situation about oneself, not seeing the other person's perspective, and focusing on winning the argument.
• 🤝 Seeing the situation from the other person's perspective can help to depersonalize the disagreement and approach the conversation with empathy.
• 🎯 Identifying the goal of the conversation before engaging in it can help to keep the discussion focused and productive.
• 🤗 Understanding the nature of the disagreement—whether it's about tasks, goals, process, or status—can help to manage the conversation more effectively.
• 💪 Learning to disagree calmly and competently is a valuable life skill that can be applied in various aspects of life, including personal relationships and work.
• 🚫 Accepting that not all disagreements will be resolved positively and that sometimes people may still be upset despite one's best efforts to communicate with kindness and empathy.

Q & A

What was the speaker's initial reaction after realizing they sent an email to the wrong person?

The speaker immediately realized the mistake and feared they would get fired. Instead of hiding the error, they decided to confess to their boss.

What advice did the speaker's boss give after the email mishap?

The boss told the speaker to go apologize to the client, which the speaker found more daunting than being fired.

Why did the speaker choose not to share their disagreements with Marisa initially?

The speaker avoided sharing their disagreements because they didn't want to be mean or hurt Marisa's feelings, reflecting a common fear that disagreement is unkind.

What realization did the speaker come to after their research on conflict and disagreement?

The speaker realized that they had been handling disagreements wrong by making the situation about themselves, not seeing things from the other person's perspective, and focusing on winning rather than understanding.

What are the three strategies the speaker developed for handling disagreements more effectively?

The speaker suggests: 1) Seeing the situation from the other person's perspective, 2) Identifying what they want from the conversation before it happens, and 3) Understanding what the disagreement is actually about to depersonalize the conflict.

How did the speaker's daughter influence their understanding of conflict resolution?

The speaker's daughter taught them the importance of considering the most generous interpretation of others' actions, such as assuming that someone might be on their way to buy a helmet instead of recklessly riding a motorcycle without one.

Why does the speaker believe that disagreement is a necessary part of relationships?

The speaker argues that disagreement, when handled with compassion and kindness, is a sign of care and love, and is essential for healthy relationships.

How does the speaker's past trauma relate to their interest in studying conflict and disagreement?

The speaker's trauma of being molested as a child and not speaking up led them to channel their fear into an obsession with understanding how to disagree without causing harm, driven by a desire to protect their daughter and themselves.

What is the speaker's mantra for dealing with situations where others may be upset with them?

The speaker repeats the mantra, 'Sometimes people are going to be mad at you, and that's okay,' which helps them navigate situations where their disagreements or actions might upset others.

What is the speaker's overarching message about conflict and disagreement?

The speaker emphasizes that conflict and disagreement, when approached with calmness, compassion, and kindness, are not only manageable but necessary skills for both work and life.

Outlines

00:00

😅 The Misadventure of Misdirected Feedback

The speaker recounts a humorous yet cringe-worthy incident from their early career at a Manhattan management consulting firm, where they mistakenly sent a critical email about a client named Marisa to the client herself. The speaker's initial reaction was fear of being fired, but instead, their boss instructed them to apologize. This experience led to a realization about the importance of direct communication and the avoidance of conflict due to the fear of being perceived as unkind. The speaker introduces the theme of the talk: the necessity and benefits of disagreeing with compassion and kindness, even when it feels uncomfortable.

05:03

🤔 The Art of Constructive Disagreement

The speaker delves into their journey of understanding conflict and disagreement, motivated by a desire to improve their communication skills and to empower their daughter. They share insights from their research, which includes interviews with experts in various fields. The speaker identifies common mistakes made during disagreements, such as making the situation about oneself, focusing on winning the argument, and failing to think clearly due to stress-induced 'amygdala hijack.' They emphasize the importance of preparing for difficult conversations, seeing situations from the other person's perspective, and clarifying one's goals before engaging in a discussion. The speaker also discusses the common areas of disagreement in a work context and how understanding these can help depersonalize conflicts.

10:03

💪 Embracing Disagreement as a Life Skill

The speaker shares a deeply personal story about the trauma of not speaking up during a critical moment in their life, which led to a lifelong commitment to ensuring they and their daughter have the ability to disagree without fear. They argue that disagreeing calmly and competently is not just a workplace skill but a vital life skill. The speaker acknowledges that not all disagreements end positively and that sometimes people may react negatively regardless of the approach taken. To cope with this, the speaker has adopted a mantra that reminds them it's okay if some people are mad at them, as it's an inevitable part of expressing disagreement. The talk concludes with the speaker expressing gratitude and a reaffirmation of the importance of being able to disagree with kindness and compassion.

Keywords

💡Disagreement

Disagreement refers to the act of differing in opinion or belief. In the video, it is a central theme, illustrating the importance of being able to express differing views without causing harm or offense. The speaker's initial avoidance of disagreement with her client, Marisa, and the subsequent realization of the need to address conflicts head-on, exemplify the challenges and benefits of embracing disagreement.

💡Amygdala Hijack

Amygdala Hijack is a term coined by Daniel Goleman, describing a phenomenon where the amygdala (the emotional part of the brain) takes over in stressful situations, impairing rational thinking. The video uses this concept to explain why people often avoid disagreement, as their brains perceive it as a threat, leading to a stress response that clouds judgment.

💡Likability

Likability is the quality of being liked or appreciated by others. The script discusses how people are hardwired to seek likability, often at the expense of expressing genuine opinions. The tendency to imitate others and agree with them to foster connection is contrasted with the need to stand up for one's beliefs, even when it involves disagreement.

💡Conflict

Conflict is a situation in which opposing views, interests, or principles clash. The video emphasizes that conflict is not inherently negative but can be productive when approached with compassion and kindness. The speaker's journey from avoiding to embracing conflict illustrates the potential for growth and resolution that comes from navigating disagreements effectively.

💡Perspective

Perspective refers to a particular attitude, way of thinking, or point of view. The video encourages viewers to see situations from the other person's perspective, which can lead to a better understanding and resolution of disagreements. The speaker's shift from a self-centered approach to considering Marisa's possible motivations is an example of adopting a different perspective.

💡Emotional Intelligence

Emotional Intelligence is the ability to recognize, understand, and manage one's own and others' emotions. The video suggests that emotional intelligence is crucial in navigating disagreements, as it helps individuals to empathize with others and communicate effectively. The speaker's daughter's insightful comment about the motorcyclists exemplifies a high level of emotional intelligence.

💡Productive

Productive, in the context of the video, means yielding positive results or outcomes, especially in the realm of conflict resolution. The speaker argues that disagreement and conflict can be productive if approached with the right mindset and tools, leading to better understanding and stronger relationships.

💡Compassion

Compassion is the feeling of empathy and concern for others' sufferings or misfortunes. The video stresses the importance of compassion in disagreements, suggesting that it can foster a more constructive and less hostile environment for resolving conflicts. The speaker's approach to apologizing to her client with flowers and a genuine desire to make amends reflects an act of compassion.

💡Kindness

Kindness is the quality of being friendly, generous, and considerate. The video advocates for kindness in the face of disagreement, as it can soften the impact of conflicting views and promote a more harmonious resolution. The speaker's mantra and her desire to instill the power of disagreement without causing harm are rooted in the principle of kindness.

💡Mantle

A mantra is a word or phrase that is repeated to aid concentration or to invoke a particular mental state. In the video, the speaker shares a personal mantra she uses to remind herself that it's okay for people to be upset with her, which helps her navigate the emotional challenges of disagreement. The mantra serves as a tool for emotional resilience.

Highlights

The speaker shares a personal anecdote about mistakenly sending an email to a client, revealing their true feelings, and the lesson learned from that experience.

The importance of disagreeing and the fear that often prevents people from doing so is discussed.

The concept of 'amygdala hijack' is introduced to explain how stress affects our ability to think clearly during conflicts.

The speaker emphasizes the human tendency to seek likability and how it can hinder open disagreement.

The impact of our current culture on the avoidance of disagreement and the misconception that it equates to disrespect.

The speaker's three-year research journey into conflict and disagreement, leading to the development of practical tools.

Mistakes commonly made during disagreements, such as making the situation about oneself and focusing on winning.

The strategy of preparing for difficult conversations and the importance of perspective-taking.

The insight that disagreements are often not personal but about tasks, goals, or processes.

The personal motivation behind the speaker's research into conflict, including a past traumatic experience and a desire to empower her daughter.

The transformative power of disagreement when approached with compassion and kindness.

The speaker's mantra for dealing with situations where disagreement leads to others being upset.

The idea that disagreement is a life skill, not just a work skill, and its importance in personal relationships.

The importance of being able to speak up and the potential trauma of remaining silent in the face of injustice.

The speaker's belief in the potential positive outcomes of conflict when handled with care and respect.

The conclusion that sometimes people will be mad at you despite your best efforts, and that's okay.

Transcripts

[Applause]

when I was in my 20s I worked at a

management consulting firm based here in

Manhattan and I had a client let's just

call her Marisa who I disagreed with all

the time I thought she was too slow I

thought she was running the project

poorly I thought she was involving the

wrong people at the wrong time did I

tell her any of this instead I had a

coping mechanism anytime

Marissa emailed me I would forward her

email to my work friend and I would say

everything I wish I could say to Marisa

and then I would reply to Marisa and

just agree with everything she had

outlined one time I forwarded an email

[Laughter]

to my work friend

and I wrote in all cats why does she

have to be such a pain in the ass as

soon as I press send I realized what I

had done which you have already realized

and I figured well I'm gonna get fired

and might as well go tell my boss and

fess up I walked over his desk I

explained what had happened and he said

two words that in my opinion were far

worse than you're fired

he said go apologize now to my clients

credit when I showed up at her office

with a bouquet of flowers that for some

misguided reason I thought was going to

help the situation

she said why didn't you tell me why

didn't I tell her I had to think about

that one and what I realized is that I

didn't want to be mean I didn't want to

hurt her feelings

I had fallen into a trap that so many of

us do that thinking that aren't that

disagreement is unkind so I stayed

silent this is what I want to talk to

you about today disagreeing why we're

often afraid to do it but why we should

do it anyway and how we can make

disagreement even conflict productive as

long as we do it with compassion and

kindness now I'm guessing I'm not the

only one in this room who is

accidentally sent an email to the wrong

person and not disagreed with someone

when I should have

right because disagreement can feel like

a threat and our brains unfortunately

are not good at figuring out the

difference between the stress of not

getting our way on a project plan and

the danger of being chased down by a

bear so we go into what Dan Goleman

calls amygdala hijack where the feeling

part of our brain limits access to the

prefrontal cortex put simply under

stress we do not think clearly because

our brain is literally reserving energy

to run now there's also a good deal of

science that shows that we are hardwired

for likability we want people to like us

so much that we imitate their behavior

when they scratch their heads we scratch

ours when they not we not we want to

hear I totally agree we're on the same

page it's how we learn and how we build

connection

now the problem is it seems to have

gotten worse I don't know about you but

in our device of culture what I've

noticed is that we seek out people who

see the world the same way and we avoid

dissension because it feels

uncomfortable

it's as if now saying I don't agree is

the same as saying you are an idiot all

right but if we have any hope of

disagreeing of speaking up we need tools

to counter our natural instincts this is

what I spent three years of my life

doing I read as much research as I could

on conflict and disagreement

I interviewed experts in management and

emotional intelligence in neuroscience

and negotiation and I came up with a

straightforward practical approach and a

set of tools to help people me really

get better at navigating conflicts to

make things work better now what I

learned in this research was that I had

been doing it all wrong not only was I

afraid to disagree but when I was

disagree I was making some crucial

mistakes and in particular these

mistakes might sound familiar to you I'm

guessing some of you make them as well I

was making the situation all about me I

wasn't seeing it from the other person's

perspective and I was entering most

arguments with primary goal of winning I

was fixated on whether I admit it or not

I'm being right and I was having these

conversations in the midst of a MIG

d'leh hijack so I wasn't thinking

clearly and clearly and I ended up

saying things that I didn't feel proud

of that I later regretted one of the

most important things I learned is that

you have to thoughtfully prepare for

difficult conversations like every

single one and now let's be clear though

it's not as if I meant sitting in the

middle of a meeting and someone drops a

snarky comment about my project and I

say could you please hold I'm gonna go

back to my desk

analyze this conversation I'll come back

in a response would like you two to

three hours that's good right no these

are things I do quickly in my head

usually in just 30 seconds the first

thing I now try to do is I try to see

the situation from the other person's

perspective this is the last thing I

want to do because I am focused entirely

on myself but I forced myself to get

curious why are they behaving the way

they are what's motivating them in the

situation and of course my brain

immediately goes to well Amara is being

passive-aggressive because she always

husband I let that SOB go and then I

asked myself what's the most generous

interpretation here maybe Amara is under

pressure from her boss maybe she didn't

get any sleep last night because her kid

is sick my daughter taught me this

lesson when she was 8 years old we were

driving on the highway and these

motorcyclists went whizzing by us at

like a hundred miles an hour and I just

laid into them can you believe they

don't have helmets on look at them I

can't believe they don't have helmets on

that's so unsafe they could get

seriously hurt they could even die and

then she got in for shoes in the back

seat she got into it and she was like

mommy one of them was a woman do you

think she has Kent how dangerous and

then we were both quiet for a moment

and she said mommy maybe they're on

their way to buy helmets

[Laughter]

this is the most generous possible

interpretation of that situation

my daughter has always been quite

insightful about emotions in fact she's

made me believe that we are all born

emotionally intelligent beings and we

spend our lives being drained of that

knowledge so that one day we go into a

bookstore in our 30s and 40s go Oh talk

about emotional intelligence I should

read this right but it's already there

inside us now the second thing I tried

to do is to figure out what I want from

the conversation before I have it now

I'll admit that for most of my adult

life my primary goal in most

conversations was to prove that I was

right and to prove that the other person

was wrong there's a terrible goal right

now what I try to do is think what do I

need from this conversation do I need to

just get this project done on time or

under budget

do I need to preserve my relationship

with that person or do I need to end

this conversation and just move on with

my life if I know what my goal is I can

handle the conversation and I approach

it with purpose now the third thing that

I try to do is to think about what are

we actually disagreeing about in most

work context we assume when we have a

disagreement that it's personal but what

we know from the research about conflict

and negotiation is that we more commonly

disagree about tasks what's called tasks

the goal of the conversation the what we

also disagree about process the how and

of course there are status conflicts

disagreements over the power or

authority who has to make a decision but

if I can figure out what exactly we're

disagreeing about I can D personalize

the conversation which gets me out of

that amygdala hijack

now when I do these three things the

conversation goes much better and I've

moved from avoiding conflict to

approaching them with calm and

confidence

my husband likes to say I got into this

field because I wanted to win all of our

arguments which is not entirely untrue

but there's another reason I started

researching and studying conflict and

disagreement around the time my daughter

turned 10 which is the same age I was

when a family friend molested me it was

a terrible thing to happen to a young

girl on the cusp of becoming a woman but

what was worse in many ways was that I

never told anyone for years in the end

that was the trauma feeling like I

couldn't speak up feeling boys las' not

getting help and as a mother I became

terribly anxious that my 10 year old

daughter would be put in the same

situation I thought about it all the

time

I worried for her and I worried for me

and I took that fear and I channeled it

into something productive in obsession

with the question of how can we disagree

without hurting each other's feelings

because when I look back on my life the

most painful moments are the times or I

didn't speak up because I was afraid of

being impolite or hurting someone's

feelings are overstepping boundaries and

so I stayed quiet

but what I want for my daughter and what

I want for my ten-year-old self - is the

power to disagree the belief that saying

no or even I just don't see it that way

doesn't have to be angry rude that

conflict doesn't have to mean war or

hate or pain that it's part of love it's

what we do well we care about another

person we fight and as long as we do it

with compassion and kindness it can be a

good thing

disagreeing calmly and competently

navigating conflicts is not just a work

skill it is a life skill now I do feel I

need to warn you it doesn't always go

well

and as much as you try to disagree

confidently and calmly and with kindness

and empathy the other person may just

not be happy about it and you may assume

they are on their way to buy a helmet

and they may just soon you're an angry

jerk who is out to get them when this

happens to me and it does I have a

mantra and here's where it came from

there was someone who was an important

part of my life many years ago and we

had lost touch he showed up again at a

party that I was throwing several

summers ago now I knew he had been

through a lot but he did something quite

awkward at this party he sat down at a

drum kit there had been a band and he

started to play this beat and as we all

watched him he started to say the single

line over and over and he was saying the

words to himself really but they were a

gift a gift that I was particularly

happy to receive in that moment because

I had been stressed about that silly

party what anyone show up with the food

be ready on time was I'm going to be

upset that says I was invited but his

words freed me from that worry and he

must have said them fifty maybe a

hundred times until they were etched

into my brain sometimes people are going

to be mad at you and that's okay

sometimes people are going to be mad at

you and with that

sometimes people are going to be mad at

you and these are words I tell myself

pretty much every day there are days I

want to whisper them into my daughter's

ear over and over like a drumbeat but I

don't

she's almost 13 and that would elicit

some serious eye rolling but I do say

them out loud occasionally because that

is the point of a mantra even when we

know something deeply we could all use a

little reminder thank you

[Applause]

[Music]