Why men lose interest in sex: Love; or, where men love they do not desire

Summary

In this episode of 'Psych, Hacks, Better Living Through Psychology,' Dr. Orion Taban discusses why men lose interest in sex once love enters the picture. He explores how love diminishes aggression, which often drives sexual desire, and how men’s attraction is based on physical cues rather than emotional connection. Dr. Taban highlights the 'Madonna-Whore' complex and the difficulty of reconciling love with sexual desire in long-term relationships. He offers insights into how men might manage this conflict through selective objectification, suggesting it can help maintain sexual desire and strengthen relationships.

Takeaways

• 😀 Love can significantly reduce a man's sexual desire, even though he may still love his partner deeply.
• 😀 Men are biologically programmed to be attracted to physical and behavioral cues in women, which plays a major role in sexual desire.
• 😀 Sexual attraction is often based on objectification, which isn't inherently toxic, but a biological response to visual cues.
• 😀 Male sexual desire can become less aggressive as love develops, making it more tender and gentle.
• 😀 Men often split their view of women into two categories: the Madonna (pure and chaste) and the whore (sexual object).
• 😀 The Madonna-whore complex means men often cannot see the same woman as both a loving partner and a sexual object.
• 😀 Historically, men had separate roles for the Madonna (wife) and the mistress, which created a dichotomy in sexual roles.
• 😀 Freud's theory states that where men love, they have no desire, and where they desire, they cannot love.
• 😀 This conflict between love and desire can undermine the foundation of long-term relationships.
• 😀 Men often engage in irrational behaviors like buying homes or making long-term commitments out of desire, not love.
• 😀 One solution for maintaining desire in relationships is for men to practice selective objectification, allowing them to switch between love and desire in different contexts.

Q & A

Why do men lose interest in sex in long-term relationships?

Men can lose interest in sex due to factors like familiarity, habituation, and love. Love, specifically, can significantly reduce a man’s sexual desire, as it alters his perception of his partner and shifts focus away from physical attraction toward emotional connection.

What role does aggression play in male sexuality?

Aggression is often an embedded part of male sexuality. Words like 'hit,' 'bang,' and 'screw' reflect this aggressive element. In relationships, aggression can build up if not expressed physically, and if love takes over, this aggression tends to dissipate, affecting sexual desire.

How does love affect a man's sexual drive?

As love deepens, a man's desire to be aggressive in sex diminishes. The shift from physical attraction to emotional connection means he views his partner as a 'precious person,' and this changes the dynamic of their sexual relationship, making it less about aggressive acts and more about tenderness.

What is the difference between attraction and love in male sexuality?

Attraction is largely based on external cues, such as physical appearance and behavioral traits, while love involves a deeper understanding of a person's inner qualities. Men are initially attracted by visual cues, but as love grows, the focus shifts to valuing the person's inner self.

Why do men objectify women in the context of sexual desire?

Objectification in male sexuality is a biological and unconscious drive to focus on physical and observable traits. This is not necessarily toxic or disordered, but rather a way for men to engage their sexual desire. It allows men to focus on external attributes before emotional understanding develops.

What is the Madonna-Whore complex, and how does it relate to male sexuality?

The Madonna-Whore complex refers to the tendency of men to split women into two categories: the 'pure' wife (Madonna) and the 'sexual' mistress (Whore). Men often struggle to reconcile both roles in one partner, which explains why historically, love marriages were not common.

How does the male perception of love affect his sexual behavior in relationships?

When a man loves a woman, he may no longer feel the desire for the more aggressive or impersonal sexual behaviors. Love transforms his perception, making him less likely to engage in rough or dominant sex and more focused on emotional connection.

Why is desire important for men in relationships?

Desire is a key motivator for men to enter and maintain relationships. It drives them to make sacrifices and commit to long-term partnerships. Once love takes over, desire can diminish, creating a tension between maintaining love and sustaining sexual attraction.

What is the solution for men to maintain sexual desire in long-term relationships?

One solution is for men to develop the ability to 'switch off' their emotional love and re-engage with their partner in a more objectified, sexual way. This 'selective objectification' allows men to experience desire and intimacy without undermining their emotional connection.

How does selective objectification help preserve long-term relationships?

Selective objectification helps men to engage in sex without losing emotional connection. By toggling between love and desire, men can fulfill both emotional and physical needs, ultimately strengthening the relationship and keeping sexual attraction alive.