How to find yourself: understanding what you really want

Summary

In this episode of *Psych Hacks: Better Living Through Psychology*, Dr. Orion Taban explores the journey of self-discovery, emphasizing that finding yourself is an ongoing process of change. He explains that many desires aren't truly our own but influenced by external factors like culture and social media. To truly understand oneself, one must engage in exploration, test new experiences, and assess emotional responses. By acting and reflecting on these actions, individuals can identify what truly resonates with them, ultimately building a life filled with positive emotions and meaningful choices.

Takeaways

• 😀 Finding yourself is an ongoing process, not a one-time event. It's a journey of self-discovery that unfolds over time.
• 😀 The question 'What do I want?' is harder to answer than most people realize, as many desires are influenced by external forces like culture, family, and social media.
• 😀 When people pursue desires that aren't truly their own, they often feel disappointed and empty afterward.
• 😀 Change is a natural part of becoming who we are, but it can be frightening and confusing because it requires tearing down old habits and identities to make space for new ones.
• 😀 Destruction (of old ways) is a necessary part of creation. It’s not inherently bad; it’s part of the cycle of personal growth.
• 😀 We don’t always know how we've changed, because these changes often happen gradually and unconsciously. This makes it hard to make intentional choices.
• 😀 Younger people often experience confusion about their identity because they don’t yet have a clear concept of self to guide them.
• 😀 To find yourself, you must explore new experiences, much like tasting unfamiliar food at a buffet. You have to try things before you can know if you like them.
• 😀 Don't judge experiences before trying them. Resisting the urge to form preconceptions is crucial to discovering what truly resonates with you.
• 😀 Emotional feedback is essential in identifying what feels right for you. Pay attention to how different experiences make you feel, as emotions are the language through which your unconscious communicates.
• 😀 To build a fulfilling life, focus on repeating experiences that inspire positive emotions like confidence, strength, and aliveness. This gradual process of discovery creates a life worth living.

Q & A

What does Dr. Orion Taban mean by 'finding yourself'?

Dr. Taban explains that 'finding yourself' is a continual process, not a one-time event. It involves self-exploration and growth, identifying who you are through experiences and emotional responses as you navigate life.

Why is the question 'What do I want?' difficult to answer for many people?

Many people's desires are shaped by external influences, such as culture, family, and social media, rather than being authentic to themselves. This makes it hard to answer 'What do I want?' because the desires are not their own.

How does Dr. Taban describe the process of change?

Dr. Taban views change as a necessary process of destruction followed by creation. This involves letting go of old habits, personas, relationships, and lifestyles to make space for new growth.

Why do people often feel empty after satisfying desires?

People may feel empty because they’ve worked to fulfill desires that were not their own, but rather influenced by external sources. This disconnect between their true self and their actions leads to dissatisfaction.

What role does emotional experience play in discovering oneself?

Emotions are crucial in identifying your true self. By experiencing different activities and reflecting on how they make you feel, you can gauge which aspects align with your authentic desires and values.

How does Dr. Taban suggest we explore who we are?

Dr. Taban recommends experimenting with different experiences, much like tasting unfamiliar foods at a buffet. You need to act and immerse yourself in various activities to see what resonates with you emotionally, rather than theorizing about them.

Why does Dr. Taban emphasize 'low thresholds for activation'?

A low threshold for activation means being open to trying new things without overthinking. By saying 'yes' to opportunities, especially those that are low-cost and low-commitment, you increase your chances of discovering what aligns with you.

What does Dr. Taban mean by 'contempt prior to investigation'?

Dr. Taban warns against dismissing potential experiences before trying them. You shouldn’t judge an activity or opportunity based on assumptions or preconceived notions. You need to give it a chance to see if it brings fulfillment.

How does Dr. Taban suggest we deal with feelings of confusion during personal change?

Dr. Taban suggests using emotional feedback as a guide. Even if you can’t fully understand your changes, paying attention to how different experiences make you feel will help you make better choices and gain clarity over time.

What is the connection between emotional experience and making intentional choices?

Your emotions act as the feedback mechanism that tells you whether a particular path or decision aligns with your true self. By reflecting on how you feel after trying something new, you can make more intentional, informed choices moving forward.