Psychologist explains: How to build self-discipline and achieve your goals.
Summary
TLDRThe video script, based on Kelly McGonagal's book 'The Willpower Instinct,' offers 14 insightful lessons on enhancing self-control and overcoming procrastination. It emphasizes the pitfalls of the reward system, the dangers of moral licensing, and the 'what the hell' effect, which can sabotage long-term goals. The script introduces the concept of future self and the importance of not treating it as a stranger. It also highlights the limited nature of willpower, suggesting prioritizing important tasks when willpower is at its peak. Strengthening willpower is compared to muscle training, achievable through practices like meditation. The importance of sleep and exercise in bolstering willpower is underscored. The script also addresses the paradox of willpower's inability to control internal thoughts and feelings, proposing mindfulness as a solution. It concludes with the idea that willpower is influenced by social circles and that balance between immediate gratification and long-term goals is key to maintaining self-discipline.
Takeaways
- 🚫 **Eliminate the Reward System**: The pursuit of rewards can undermine willpower. Be wary of using rewards as a coping mechanism for stress or other negative emotions, as they often lead to feelings of guilt and do not live up to the promised relief.
- 🍕 **Avoid Moral Licensing**: Be cautious not to 'license' bad behavior with good deeds. For instance, don't let a day of healthy eating justify indulging in unhealthy food later, as it can negate the benefits of your earlier discipline.
- 🔄 **Beware the 'What the Hell' Effect**: When you slip up on your goals, like eating a piece of cake while on a diet, avoid the tendency to throw in the towel and indulge further. Self-forgiveness and a commitment to do better are more productive than self-criticism.
- 🕒 **Don't Wait for Future You**: Recognize that future you is not a different person; they will have the same willpower challenges. It's a fallacy to believe that you will have more discipline or energy in the future than you do now.
- 💪 **Willpower is One Resource**: Your willpower is not compartmentalized; it's a single entity that can be depleted throughout the day. Prioritize using it for important tasks when it's strongest.
- 🏋️♀️ **Strengthen Your Willpower**: Like a muscle, willpower can be trained and strengthened. Start with small exercises in self-control and gradually increase the challenge.
- 🛌 **Sleep is Essential**: Lack of sleep impairs focus and energy, making it harder to resist temptations and maintain self-control. Prioritize getting adequate rest to support your willpower.
- 🏃♂️ **Exercise Boosts Willpower**: Physical activity not only improves physical health but also enhances mental strength and willpower. Even short bursts of exercise can make a significant difference.
- 🤔 **Mind Over Matter**: Willpower isn't just a mental challenge; it's also physical. Recognize when your body is influencing your decision-making and work to align it with your goals.
- 🐘 **Acceptance Over Avoidance**: When trying to suppress thoughts or cravings, they can become more persistent. Allowing thoughts to come and go without judgment can help reduce their power over you.
- ⏸ **Pause and Plan**: When faced with a decision that tests your willpower, take a moment to pause and consider the long-term consequences of your actions before acting.
- 🤝 **Willpower is Contagious**: Be mindful of the influence of others on your willpower. Surrounding yourself with people who exhibit the behaviors you aspire to can help reinforce positive habits.
- 🧘♂️ **Self-Compassion is Key**: Treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding you would offer a friend facing a similar challenge. Self-compassion can be a powerful tool in maintaining self-control.
- ⚖️ **Balance is Crucial**: While discipline is important, it's also necessary to allow for instant gratification in moderation. Finding a balance between short-term pleasure and long-term goals is vital for sustainable self-control.
Q & A
What is the main idea behind 'The Willpower Instinct' by Kelly McGonagal?
-The book explores the concept of self-control, why it's important, and provides strategies for individuals to improve their willpower to overcome laziness and procrastination in various aspects of life.
Why can the reward system be counterproductive to willpower and discipline?
-The reward system can trick the brain into seeking pleasure and rewards even when the experience does not live up to the promise, leading to feelings of guilt and frustration rather than the intended positive reinforcement.
What is 'moral licensing' and how does it affect self-control?
-Moral licensing is a psychological phenomenon where an individual feels licensed to engage in negative behavior because they have exhibited positive behavior. It can undermine self-control by using good deeds as an excuse to indulge in behaviors that contradict long-term goals.
How does the 'what the hell effect' impact a person's ability to maintain a diet or other self-control goals?
-The 'what the hell effect' is a response to perceived failure where individuals feel as if their entire goal is ruined by a single lapse, leading to a cycle of indulgence and regret instead of learning from the mistake and moving forward.
Why do we often treat our future selves as strangers when making decisions?
-We often assume that our future selves will be different and better equipped to handle challenges, leading to procrastination and the postponement of tasks. This misconception can result in poor decisions that harm our future self.
How is willpower similar to a muscle?
-Willpower, like a muscle, can be fatigued through overuse and requires rest to recover. It can also be strengthened through regular exercise, such as meditation and mindful activities, leading to improved self-control.
What is the ironic rebound effect and how does it relate to willpower?
-The ironic rebound effect is a psychological phenomenon where attempts to suppress certain thoughts or desires make them more prominent in one's mind. This can hinder willpower by causing individuals to focus more on the very behaviors or objects they are trying to avoid.
Why is sleep important for maintaining willpower?
-Sleep deprivation can impair focus and energy levels, making it harder to resist temptations and maintain self-control. Adequate sleep is crucial for making good decisions and sticking to one's goals.
How does physical exercise contribute to improved willpower?
-Physical exercise can strengthen willpower by improving overall health and well-being, reducing stress, and increasing the brain's efficiency. Even short periods of exercise can have a positive impact on willpower reserves.
What is the 'pause and plan' response and how does it help with self-control?
-The 'pause and plan' response involves slowing down and focusing on one's internal conflict when faced with a decision that requires self-control. This technique helps to shift the mind and body from a state of stress to self-control mode, allowing for calm and considered decision-making.
How can our social environment influence our willpower and self-control?
-Our social environment can significantly impact our willpower and self-control. Being around individuals who exhibit the behaviors we aspire to can help reinforce positive habits, while associating with those who engage in negative behaviors can lead to the adoption of those habits.
Outlines
🍰 The Perils of the Reward System
This paragraph discusses the concept of the reward system and its negative impact on self-control and discipline. It illustrates how seeking immediate pleasure, such as eating chocolate to alleviate stress, often fails to deliver the promised mood boost and can lead to feelings of guilt and frustration. The text also highlights the brain's tendency to trick us into indulging by promising rewards that don't materialize. It advises against using rewards as a means to justify behavior that contradicts our long-term goals and suggests testing the promise of rewards to adjust our expectations.
🍕 Avoiding Moral Licensing and the What-the-Hell Effect
The second paragraph addresses two psychological phenomena that undermine self-control: moral licensing and the what-the-hell effect. Moral licensing occurs when individuals feel entitled to indulge after virtuous behavior, negating the benefits of their good actions. The what-the-hell effect is the tendency to give up on one's goals after a setback, leading to a cycle of indulgence and regret. The paragraph emphasizes the importance of self-forgiveness and suggests strategies to counteract these effects, such as focusing on goals rather than perceived permissions to indulge.
🤔 The Myth of Future Self and Building Willpower
This paragraph challenges the common belief that our future self will be more disciplined and better equipped to handle temptations. It argues that procrastination often stems from the mistaken expectation that future self will miraculously appear to solve current problems. The text advises against treating future self as a stranger and instead advocates for making decisions that align with long-term goals. It also introduces the concept that willpower is a limited resource, urging readers to prioritize important tasks while their willpower is strong. Additionally, it suggests ways to strengthen willpower, comparing it to a muscle that can be trained through practices like meditation.
🛍️ Coping with Stress and Avoiding Temptation
The fourth paragraph explores the relationship between stress and poor decision-making, particularly when it comes to managing finances and resisting the urge to shop as a coping mechanism. It explains that feeling bad or stressed can lead to more vulnerability to temptation and procrastination. The author recommends developing healthy stress relief strategies, such as exercise, prayer, reading, and meditation, and emphasizes the importance of self-compassion over self-criticism for maintaining self-control.
💤 The Importance of Sleep, Exercise, and Inner Thoughts
This paragraph underscores the significance of sleep and exercise in bolstering willpower. It likens sleep deprivation to mild drunkenness, highlighting its detrimental effects on focus, energy, and decision-making. The text also discusses the role of the body in self-control and how physical exercise can improve willpower across various aspects of life. Additionally, it tackles the concept of ironic rebound, where attempts to suppress thoughts can lead to an obsession with them, and suggests strategies for managing these thoughts and the importance of balancing immediate gratification with long-term goals.
🤝 The Contagious Nature of Willpower and Finding Balance
The final paragraph delves into the social aspect of willpower, noting that it can be influenced by the behaviors of those around us. It suggests that while bad habits can spread, so can positive changes, and encourages finding a community with shared goals. The text also emphasizes the importance of empathy and self-compassion, recommending that one should treat themselves as they would a friend facing similar challenges. Lastly, it stresses the need for balance between instant gratification and long-term objectives, suggesting that occasional indulgence is necessary for overall well-being.
📺 Conclusion and Further Resources
The concluding paragraph is a simple acknowledgment of the viewer's time and an invitation to explore more book summaries through a provided playlist. It serves as a polite and direct way to end the video script.
Mindmap
Keywords
💡Willpower
💡Reward System
💡Moral Licensing
💡What the Hell Effect
💡Procrastination
💡Self-Control
💡Instant Gratification
💡Stress
💡Sleep Deprivation
💡Exercise
💡Ironic Rebound
Highlights
Eliminate the reward system to avoid seeking pleasure and rewards that don't live up to their promise.
Only 16% of people who eat to reduce stress report it as helpful, indicating the inefficacy of the reward system in stress relief.
Moral licensing can lead to self-sabotage by justifying indulgence based on previous good behavior.
The 'what the hell' effect describes the tendency to give in to indulgence after a perceived failure, leading to a harmful cycle.
Future self is often imagined as superior in self-control, leading to procrastination; however, future self is still you.
Willpower is a single, limited resource that gets depleted with use, emphasizing the importance of prioritizing tasks.
Willpower can be strengthened like a muscle through practices such as meditation and mental exercises.
Feeling bad or stressed can lead to more vulnerability to temptation and procrastination, highlighting the importance of self-forgiveness.
Effective stress relief strategies include exercise, prayer, reading, music, socializing, meditating, and engaging in creative hobbies.
Sleep deprivation impairs focus, energy, and decision-making, which are crucial for self-control.
Physical exercise not only improves willpower but also relieves stress and depression, making the brain more efficient.
Ironic rebound is the phenomenon where trying not to think about something makes it more likely to be thought about.
Allowing thoughts to come and go freely without acting on them can prevent them from hijacking your decision-making.
Finding alternative behaviors to satisfy underlying needs can help break habits and establish positive routines.
Pausing and planning before making a decision can activate the body's natural response to stress, leading to better self-control.
Willpower is contagious; surrounding oneself with people who exhibit desired behaviors can help improve one's own self-control.
Speaking kindly to oneself as one would to a friend can improve self-compassion and aid in overcoming self-control challenges.
Balancing instant gratification with long-term goals is key to effective self-discipline and willpower.
Transcripts
The Willpower Instinct how self-control
works why it matters and what you can do
to get more of it the book is written by
Stanford University psychologist Kelly
mcgonagal I have 14 great lessons from
the book that will help you have more
self-control and beat laziness and
procrastination in all areas of your
life so let's get started number one
eliminate the reward system imagine
you've just arrived home from war work
you've had a bad day and you are so
stressed well you found out your wife or
husband baked an amazing chocolate cake
it's on the table and you can already
taste the soft dough just sweet enough
to match the creamy melted chocolate
sauce you serve yourself a small slice
first and then a second and a third one
you're feeling full but maybe you can
have just one last slice you deserve
good things after the Terrible Day
you've had before you know it there's
barely any cake left have you eaten all
of it oh
no how do you feel stuffed guilty
frustrated probably all of them but
wasn't the cake supposed to make you
feel better the reward system can be one
of your greatest enemies when it comes
to willpower and discipline it's also a
way that your brain uses to trick you we
search for pleasure and rewards even
when the experience does not live up to
the promise
a survey on stress found that only 16%
of people who eat to reduce stress
report that it actually helps them
another study found that women are most
likely to eat chocolate when they are
feeling anxious or depressed but the
only stable change in mood they report
experiencing is an increase in guilt and
if you're judging just know that you do
it too I'm sure there's something that
you believe that makes you happy when in
the end it only makes you sorry chances
are this is is something you believe
would make you happy if you could just
get enough of it junk food cigarettes
just one more episode of your favorite
series does that hamburger really taste
that good or in the end do you just eat
it so fast that you can barely taste it
when you get home with your new items
from your shopping spree do you feel as
happy as you thought you would with all
the things you bought or worried about
your credit card debt and if you've
procrastinated finishing that project
and took a nap instead how do you feel
now happy and rested or worried and
regretful in addition to giving
ourselves reward for past Behavior we
also give ourselves reward for future
Behavior which is even more ridiculous
for example I will spend money at the
mall today but I will not go shopping
for the next 3 weeks or I will eat this
dessert today but no more dessert for
the next month these are just a few of
of the White Lies We Tell ourselves
always test the promise of reward first
if you start explaining to yourself that
the promise of reward and reality don't
match your brain will start adjusting to
the truth number two don't exchange
every good for bad you've been dieting
all day this morning you had fruit for
breakfast for lunch your plate contained
a collection of green leaves and
colorful vegetables you skipped the
afternoon stack and had only a cup of
green tea
you're so proud of yourself that on the
way home you think it's no big deal if
you drop by a pizza place and take a
margarita home after all you kept up the
good work all day long besides you won't
eat the whole pizza just a few slices
you deserve a treat right wrong the four
slices of pizza you're about to eat will
erase the benefits of all the hard work
you've done throughout the day this is
called moral licensing and it's one of
the ways you trick yourself yourself
into giving in to instant gratification
it's a trick that your brain plays on
you in which anything that makes you
feel proud can license you to follow an
Impulse it's not logical thinking the
fact you didn't eat the whole pizza
doesn't make the four slices you did eat
less harmful being proud of the things
you do or resist doing is great the
problem is using this as an excuse to do
something that will harm you moral
license TR Tri you into acting against
yourself it convinces you that
self-sabotaging is actually something
good ask yourself do you use your good
behavior to give yourself permission to
do something that will sabotage your
larger willpower goals if you do here's
how to stop first avoid thinking in
terms of right or wrong just think in
terms of things that help you reach your
goals and things that don't when you
think about giving yourself a treat for
behaving remember why you've been
resisting for example if you want to buy
yourself a gift to celebrate the fact
that you've saved money this week remind
yourself about why you were saving money
in the first place is the gift going to
undo your previous efforts instead of
getting you closer to your main goal if
it will forget it and find a new way to
treat yourself that doesn't count as
self-sabotage remembering the why works
because it changes how you feel about
the reward that so-called treat will
start to look more like a threat to your
goals which is what it really is also
keep both eyes open for magic words that
might give you permission to indulge
like buy one get one free light organic
coupons or for a good
cause number three be careful with the
what the hell effect how do you react
when you disappoint yourself for example
if you're on a diet and you end up
having a big slice of cake for breakfast
what's your
reaction most people in this situation
fall victim to the what the hell effect
this means they feel so bad about this
failure that they feel as if their whole
diet is blown so they tell themselves
what the hell I already blew my diet I
might as well eat the whole thing or
what the hell I already blew my diet
I'll try again tomorrow and proceed to
eat every junk food that crosses their
path that starts a harmful cycle of
indulgence regret greater
Indulgence instead of Falling For That
Trick forgive yourself for the breakfast
mess and promise you'll do better at
lunch maybe you think that if you aren't
self-critical enough you'll never get
anything done but that's not true
feeling bad will only lead you to be
more vulnerable and less disciplined you
don't have to be so hard on yourself
self- forgiveness is not an excuse it's
necessary for
self-control number four are you waiting
for future you let me introduce you to
two people let's call them you and you
2.0 you is prone to procrastination has
trouble controlling impulses and doesn't
like to exercise eat vegetables or do
the laundry you is really good at
dreaming but those dreams rarely to get
out of the realm of
imagination U 2.0 on the other hand has
no trouble with procrastination because
U 2.0 has Boundless Energy for all tasks
no matter how boring or difficult U 2.0
also has amazing self-control and can
face down potato chips cigarettes and
Netflix without a Flinch U 2.0 has
opened a business and works happily for
it in the mornings and evenings and even
pulls all nighters you U 2.0 loves
exercising and thinks sugar is
nasty if my description was accurate you
probably noticed that you is well the
person you are right now well U 2.0 is
the future U the person you imagine you
will be in the future future you is the
person who will eat salad for lunch and
dinner during weekdays and weekends
forever so that present you can enjoy a
birthday every day but he won't mind
will he after all future you loves
salads and hates burgers you probably
know where I'm going with this right we
treat our future selves like strangers
we act as if they will be completely
different from the way we are now the
only reason you procrastinate and put
off what you need to do is that you are
waiting for your future self to show up
and you believe they will find the
effort easier than you do now
unfortunately that won't happen future
you is still you just older and probably
more tired when you get to the Future
your ideal future self will be nowhere
to be found and your same old self will
still be making the decisions and if you
keep up procrastinating and giving in
future you is also in big trouble
whenever you feel like exchanging your
future goals for instant gratification
ask yourself what is the immediate
payoff for giving in what is the
long-term cost is this a fair trade if
it's not then why are you willing to do
it why do you put the future on sale see
every choice you make today is a choice
you're going to make for the rest of
your life oh you want to smoke five
cigarettes today okay but how do you
feel about smoking five cigarettes every
day for the rest of your life does does
that seem like the wisest choice and if
you catch yourself thinking but it's
just today tomorrow I'll
change stop right there you already know
how that works don't you you're using
that as a crutch just pretending that
tomorrow will be different if you don't
make a change now tomorrow will be just
like today is your pleasure today so
important that you're willing to have a
lousy future in exchange for it here's a
trick to help your future self choose
for them before your future self is
blinded by the same Tendencies You are
suffering from now here are some ideas
cook healthy food for your entire week
pack healthy snacks so you don't find
yourself hungry and looking for the
easiest way out in the middle of the
afternoon you can schedule and prepay
for anything you tend to procrastinate
such as Dental visits set up automatic
transfers to your savings account tell
someone about the things you will do
your future yourself will be very
embarrassed if you can't keep the
promise number five you only have one
source of willpower let's say you're on
your way to work and you pass by a
bakery from outside you can smell the
coffee and the sugar you become tense
your mouth salivates and your heart
beats faster you want it so bad but you
have that moment of
hesitation should you go in but you're
on a diet you remind yourself you force
yourself to keep walking feeling
satisfied with your self control once
again you could resist it well on the
way back you better avoid passing by the
bakery again because chances are you
won't resist it this time the reason is
that you've already worn out your
willpower think of your day at work and
how many things you felt like doing but
couldn't or felt like not doing but you
had to think of how many times you had
to use your willpower during that long
day of work if you use your willpower
you run out of it it's like you have
only one one source of willpower a big
well where you get willpower from a
bucket at a time until there's no more
willpower there and you have to wait
until the well refills it doesn't matter
what you've used your willpower for
studies show that smokers who go without
a cigarette for 24 hours are more likely
to binge on ice cream so the important
lesson is this you only have one source
of willpower one single battery you
don't have a different willpower source
for exercise and a different one for
Instagram everything you do depletes it
never wake up and spend time on small
tasks such as cleaning responding to
emails or spending 20 minutes deciding
what you should eat for breakfast do the
most important thing first while your
willpower is full number six you can
strengthen your willpower willpower is
like a muscle it doesn't matter what you
use it for but if you use it too much it
gets tired and then you have to rest a
bit before you use it again the good
news is that just like a muscle you can
train your willpower to make it stronger
meditation is a great tool to train your
mind in self-control because that's
exactly what your mind tries to do
during meditation neuroscientists have
discovered that the brain is highly
responsive to exercise ask your brain to
do math every day and it gets better at
math ask your brain to concentrate and
it gets better at concentrating not only
does your brain find these things easier
but it actually remodels itself and
grows more mass and new connections the
key is to start small and slowly build
up over time very often people set big
and unrealistic goals from day one
before they have developed their
willpower muscles for example several
times I've failed on my diet just
because from the first day I cut a
thousand calories for my daily average
it was just too much and as a result I
would end up feeling hungry at night and
couldn't sleep needless to say the next
day I'd feel terrible and would eat
anything that came across my path the
right thing to do was cut back 300 to
400 calories but of course I said to
myself that 300 calories is nothing and
I will have no positive impact and as a
result I failed number seven don't feel
bad surveys show that women who are
worried about their finances shop to
cope with their
anxiety Yes you heard that right shop
they're just adding to their debt which
will make them feel even more
overwhelmed later so why do they do it
because instead of conscious reasoning
what leads them to do that is their
brain's need for instant
gratification they want to feel better
now no matter the cost feeling bad leads
to giving in it might not make sense but
that's how humans work that's why guilt
self-criticism judgment and Punishment
are terrible strategies of self-control
they make you stressed and therefore
more vulnerable to Temptation and more
prone to
procrastination so pay attention to
yourself and your reactions to stress
what do you turn to when you're feeling
stressed or anxious is there something
else that you could do that could bring
better results what other strategies can
you use the author gives a few
suggestions she says the most effective
stress relief strategies are exercising
praying reading listening to music
spending time with friends or family
meditating and spending time with a
creative hobby number eight you need to
sleep research proves that being sleep
deprived is like being mildly drunk how
do you feel when you've had a sleepless
night if you're like me the next day you
feel tired unfocused and irritable your
mind feels cloudy and even the most
trivial tasks feel like a struggle
unfortunately you're more likely to give
in Temptation and procrastinate
important tasks too if you haven't been
sleeping well or enough chances are your
willpower is very low not a surprise
since you need both f focus and energy
when it comes to sticking to what you
have to do and if you can't sleep well
you have neither Focus nor energy you
also make poorer decisions and some of
them will certainly involve sugar
alcohol and a lot of
procrastination even if you can't get 8
hours of uninterrupted sleep every night
small changes can make a big difference
for example if you couldn't go to bed
early not even once during the week try
to catch up during the weekend or try to
take a short app during your lunch break
even though this is not ideal for your
health it'll partially help to replenish
your
willpower number nine you need to
exercise when you meet a willpower
challenge you feel it in your body just
think about what happens in your body
when you smell your favorite food your
body reacts so strongly that you become
like the old cartoon character who
floats toward the food following the
smell most people understand that
discipline and willpower are mind
efforts but science has proven that your
body is as important as your mind when
it comes to developing strong
self-control sometimes your mind is
focused and you know what you must do
but your body is the one betraying you
you know you should clean the house but
you feel so lazy right now and there's
this backache you know you've been
drinking more coffee than it's healthy
but you're so sleepy you need to feel
more alert you know you shouldn't smoke
but when you see your friend leaving on
a cigarette break your legs almost move
by themselves to follow
him to fight your procrastination
Tendencies You need to work both on your
mind and your body a healthy body will
be stronger and help your mind resist
Temptations or move towards your goals a
great tool that will help improve your
willpower is physical
exercise actually it's almost a miracle
a study conducted at Stanford proved
that by changing only this one thing
getting sedentary people to exercise
their willpower in all aspects of their
lives improved it not only works
immediately making people more willing
to act on their goals but it also
relieves stress and depression and makes
your brain more efficient if you
struggle with having the willpower to
exercise though I have good news 5
minutes a day are enough and anything
that gets your body moving does the
trick you don't need a gym gardening
walking around the block walking your
dog dancing to your favorite song as
long as you're moving your willpower
Reserve will improve if you can find a
way to do that
Outdoors even better exercise and sleep
are the two most important Tools in
order to have more willpower and
ironically these two are the ones you'll
probably end up procrastinating on if
you find yourself procrastinating to
exercise or go to bed early then try to
think of it as an investment that will
provide at least one 1,000% returns in
the future to say it differently
exercising meditating or taking a nap
for 10 minutes is like giving a $10 bill
and getting back a $100 bill number 10
why you can't stop thinking about
elephants willpower does a good job of
controlling our outer actions but it is
useless when applied to our inner world
of thoughts and feelings for example in
the following minutes don't think about
elephants
as soon as you set your mind on this
task all you can think about is
elephants this is the result of what
psychologists call ironic rebound this
is the reason why you can't stop
thinking about bread or pasta as soon as
you cut out carbohydrates from your diet
the harder you try to push away a
thought the more likely it will come
back even stronger so what's the
solution then here are two solutions
number one let your thoughts come and go
freely and they will stop hijacking your
mind if the brain is allowed to express
a thought or feeling that it was
previously trying to suppress it stops
obsessing over it you don't have to act
on your thoughts you just have to let
them wander through your mind and
observe them you stay present watch and
accept them as they are without labeling
this process is called surfing the Urge
number two most habits or behaviors are
an attempt to satisfy some kind of need
it might be a need to have fun reduce
stress or gain approval think about the
Habit you are trying to quit and instead
of banning it see if you can come up
with an alternative behavior that will
satisfy the same need for example
instead of telling yourself that you
will not be late again perhaps you
should start telling yourself that you
will always arrive 5 minutes earlier
number 11 you need to pause and
plan whenever you have to make an
important decision related to willpower
let's say when you need to resist a
cookie start by focusing on your
internal conflict not the external
threat there's something you want to do
eat the cookie but you know you
shouldn't you know you should be eating
fruit Instead This internal conflict is
the threat and the most helpful response
is to slow down so you can focus the
goal is not to paralyze you but to give
you freedom and time to decide this is
called a pause and plan response and
it's a natural response of your body one
way to activate it is to slow your
breathing down to 4 to six breaths per
minute that's 10 to 15 seconds per
breath not difficult with a little bit
of practice and patience this helps
shift the brain and body from a state of
stress to self-control mode a few
minutes of this technique will make you
feel calm in control and capable of
handling the challenge number 12
willpower is contagious can weight gain
spread from person to person as a a
virus does studies show that if you had
an obese sister you had a 67% higher
risk of becoming obese too they also
found out that when a friend became
obese a person's own future risk of
becoming obese increased by
171% you've probably heard stories about
people who started smoking because their
friends smoked or who gained bad habits
from their spouses so this shouldn't be
such a surprise but the truth is that we
like to believe that our choices are our
own and that we are independent so we
refuse to see how other people's
behaviors can influence ours and our
self-control is not immune to that
influence which often gets us into
trouble however it can also help us meet
our willpower goals bad habits can
spread from person to person but
positive changes can too for example you
can find people who share the behavior
you aspire to and get closer to them if
you're trying to stop smoking hanging
out with non-smokers will help number 13
what would you say to a friend think of
someone you respect and care about it
can be a member of your family or a
friend have they been through any
struggles lately have they had trouble
with bad habits or missed deadlines well
it's a great thing that you could see
them experiencing some of those setbacks
why because it'll help you remember that
willpower challenges happen to
everyone now suppose that person called
you and said they're having exactly the
same problem as you they say I'm feeling
like a failure I was so stressed with
work that I ended up eating a bucket of
ice cream yesterday what do you say then
do you help them criticize themselves or
do you find ways to comfort them if
you're a good friend I'm guessing you'll
tell them that they're great and that
slips happen every now and then to
everyone when you have a self-control
problem consider the words you would say
to comfort and encourage a friend in the
same situation and tell yourself those
same words we are usually much more
forgiving towards others others than
ourselves number 14 you need a balance
in a very simple way when you are facing
a willpower challenge two parts of you
are conflicting one part wants to give
in to immediate gratification the other
part of you is trying to protect your
longterm goals you see yourself in a
dilemma smoke now or live longer watch
my favorite series now or go to bed
early and feel rested tomorrow gamble
today or have more money when I retire
so should we all always side with the
part of us who plans for the future not
always yes people who have better
self-control and discipline are happier
they make their dreams and plans come
true more often make more money and have
better health but instant gratification
has its place in our lives too we do
need to do pleasurable things and have
fun in the present and eating a
hamburger every now and then won't kill
you without desires we'd become
depressed discipline is about finding
the balance between instant
gratification and long-term goals this
is it for this video if you would like
to see more book summaries then check
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