The Difference Between “Fitting In” and BELONGING Ft. Rithu Basin

Summary

This video explores the distinction between 'fitting in' and 'belonging' in both work and personal settings. It emphasizes that true belonging is rooted in feeling accepted and honored for who you truly are, while fitting in involves masking your true self to avoid judgment. The conversation delves into the three versions of self—authentic, performing, and adapted—offering a framework to help individuals navigate authenticity in various situations. The key takeaway is that authenticity leads to empowerment, and balancing performance with authenticity fosters a fulfilling, intentional life.

Takeaways

• 😀 Belonging is about feeling honored and accepted for who you truly are, both in the workplace and in social groups.
• 😀 Fitting in, on the other hand, often involves masking your authentic self to avoid judgment and bias, which can feel exhausting and disempowering.
• 😀 Your body signals how you're truly feeling before your mind catches up. Using your body as an anchor helps guide your emotional state in social situations.
• 😀 The authentic self is the truest version of yourself, where you behave, speak, and make choices without the fear of consequences, such as judgment or rejection.
• 😀 The performing self is when you change your behavior, appearance, or speech to shield yourself from bias, judgment, or potential harm. It’s exhausting and can feel disrespectful to your true self.
• 😀 The adapted self is the version of yourself that consciously adjusts your behavior to meet your needs or the needs of others, without compromising your core identity.
• 😀 Being aware of which self you're showing in any situation—authentic, performing, or adapted—helps you navigate social and professional environments more consciously.
• 😀 Authenticity is not about being perfect. It’s about expressing your true self without censorship, even if that feels vulnerable.
• 😀 The performing self often develops in early life, particularly during adolescence, as a defense against judgment, and it can persist into adulthood unless consciously addressed.
• 😀 The adapted self allows for flexibility and strategic behavior adjustments in situations where being fully authentic may not be safe or practical, but it still feels empowering and authentic.

Q & A

What is the main difference between 'fitting in' and 'belonging' in a workplace or group?

'Fitting in' involves adjusting or masking certain aspects of ourselves to meet the expectations of others, often due to fear of judgment. On the other hand, 'belonging' is a feeling of being truly accepted and valued for who we are, without needing to change or hide parts of ourselves.

How does the body play a role in signaling our feelings about a situation or group?

The body sends signals before the mind fully processes the situation. Our body can indicate whether we feel safe, at ease, or uncomfortable, which can guide us to understand how we are experiencing a situation or group dynamic.

What is meant by 'performing self' and why do people adopt it?

The 'performing self' refers to the version of ourselves that we present to others when we feel we need to hide or alter parts of our identity to avoid judgment or gain acceptance. People adopt this self as a defense mechanism to shield themselves from bias, judgment, or rejection.

What impact does judgment and bias have on our ability to belong?

When we fear judgment or bias, we suppress our authenticity to avoid rejection or loss of opportunities. This suppression of our true selves undermines our sense of belonging, as we feel the need to perform or hide who we really are.

Why does the speaker reject the term 'inauthentic'?

The speaker rejects the term 'inauthentic' because it implies deliberate deception, which is not the case. People often adopt a 'performing self' due to fear and hurt, not out of a desire to mislead others. The decision to perform is often a protective response to past experiences of rejection.

What is the personal journey of authenticity mentioned in the script?

The personal journey of authenticity involves embracing who we truly are, letting go of the 'performing self,' and finding a sense of belonging where we feel safe to be our true selves. This journey is difficult but ultimately leads to a more fulfilling and empowered life.

What are the three selves described in the framework?

The three selves are: (1) The 'Authentic Self,' which is how we would show up if there were no consequences; (2) The 'Performing Self,' which involves altering our behavior to fit in or avoid judgment; and (3) The 'Adapted Self,' which is a middle ground where we adjust our behavior strategically to meet specific needs without fully abandoning our authenticity.

How does the 'adapted self' differ from the 'performing self'?

The 'adapted self' involves making conscious, strategic adjustments in behavior that still feel authentic and empowering. Unlike the 'performing self,' which often feels exhausting and disempowering, the 'adapted self' maintains a sense of agency and choice, making it more aligned with personal values and needs.

Why is it important to be aware of which 'self' is showing up in different situations?

Being aware of which 'self' is showing up helps us make more intentional decisions about how we behave. It allows us to move away from the 'performing self' and embrace authenticity where possible, while also recognizing when adaptation is necessary for our well-being or to navigate a situation effectively.

How does the speaker suggest we approach times when we need to 'perform' due to external pressures?

The speaker acknowledges that there are times when performing is necessary, especially in environments where being true to ourselves could lead to harm, like in situations of extreme judgment or bias. However, they emphasize that performing should be strategic and not reflexive, and we should be mindful of when it's happening to avoid it becoming part of our identity.