Toronto couple raising 'gender-free' child

Summary

The video discusses a controversial decision by a Toronto couple to raise their baby, Storm, without revealing its gender, calling the child 'gender-free.' This has sparked widespread debate on the impact of gender-neutral parenting. Experts, including a psychologist, author, and reporter, weigh in on the potential effects, with some applauding the parents' bravery and others expressing concerns about the psychological and social challenges the child may face. The conversation touches on broader themes of gender identity, societal norms, and parenting in a gender-conscious world.

Takeaways

• 👶 The story revolves around a couple in Toronto who are raising their baby, Storm, without revealing the child's gender.
• 🧑‍🍼 The parents believe they are giving Storm the freedom to choose their gender identity later in life, avoiding traditional gender norms.
• 📈 The story has gained massive attention worldwide, becoming one of the most-read pieces on The Toronto Star’s website.
• 💬 Public reactions are divided: some praise the parents' bravery, while others criticize the approach as a potentially harmful experiment.
• 👨‍👩‍👦 Psychologists express concern that raising a child without a defined gender could lead to social issues such as bullying and identity confusion.
• 🧠 Critics argue that this method of parenting might send an implicit message that having a gender is problematic.
• 👗 Cheryl Kilodavis, who authored a book about her son wearing dresses, supports the idea of challenging gender norms but questions the extremity of the gender-free approach.
• 🧑‍⚕️ Dr. Lisa Boesky, a child psychologist, cautions that the child might suffer from confusion or become a social outcast due to this parenting decision.
• 🧬 Biological factors in gender identity play a significant role, and critics argue that disregarding these could lead to psychological consequences for Storm.
• 🔍 The discussion raises broader questions about why society needs to categorize gender and why we can’t accept children for who they naturally are.

Q & A

What is the central topic of discussion in this video?

The central topic is a couple in Toronto who are raising their baby, Storm, as gender-free, meaning they have not disclosed the child's gender and are allowing the child to choose their own identity in the future.

Why is this couple's decision to raise their child as gender-free causing a stir?

The couple's decision is controversial because it challenges societal norms regarding gender. Some people find it brave, while others view it as a harmful experiment that could negatively affect the child's development and social experiences.

What was Jamie Pon’s role in the discussion, and what did she observe about public reaction?

Jamie Pon is a staff writer for the Toronto Star who profiled the family. She observed that the story sparked significant public interest, with reactions ranging from praise for the family’s courage to concerns about potential harm to the child.

What are some of the concerns raised by critics regarding this gender-free parenting approach?

Critics are concerned that raising a child without a defined gender could lead to teasing, bullying, or social isolation for the child. Additionally, there is concern that this could result in the child feeling confused or rejected in a world that heavily identifies people by gender.

How does Cheryl Kavis, whose son enjoys wearing dresses, view the family’s decision?

Cheryl Kavis views the family's decision as courageous and believes it challenges societal norms about gender expression. She advocates for accepting children as they are and supports the notion of not limiting children by traditional gender expectations.

What does Lisa Boesky, the clinical psychologist, say about the potential risks of this experiment?

Lisa Boesky expresses concern that raising a child without a gender is an extreme social experiment. She worries that it might backfire, leading to confusion or bullying, and that the child could suffer more harm than if they had been assigned a gender at birth.

What does research suggest about the role of biology in gender identity, according to the discussion?

Research suggests that biology plays a significant, though not exclusive, role in determining gender identity. This highlights that while social and cultural influences are important, biological factors are also powerful in shaping gender.

What subtle message might the couple’s decision to raise their child gender-free send, according to Lisa Boesky?

Lisa Boesky suggests that by not assigning a gender, the parents might be sending a subtle message that there is something wrong with having a gender, which could further complicate the child's sense of identity.

What is Kathy Whtk's perspective on raising Storm gender-free?

Kathy Whtk explains that by not disclosing Storm's gender, she wants the child to have the freedom to discover their identity on their own without societal pressure or preconceptions based on gender.

What does Cheryl Kavis emphasize about the importance of this conversation on gender identity?

Cheryl Kavis emphasizes the need for acceptance of children for who they say they are. She encourages society to focus less on categorizing children by gender and more on supporting their happiness and personal expression.

Outlines

00:00

👶 Gender-Free Parenting: A Controversial Choice

The video introduces a couple from Toronto who are making headlines for raising their baby, Storm, without revealing the child's gender. They argue that this decision gives their child freedom to choose their own identity. The segment discusses the impact of this approach, and the parents’ motivation behind raising a 'gender-free' child. The hosts are joined by Jamie Pon, a Toronto Star writer who profiled the family, and two other experts who offer their insights into the decision's implications for child rearing and society.

05:00

🌍 Public Reaction: A Stirring Debate on Gender

Jamie Pon, the journalist who covered the story, shares her surprise at the overwhelming response to the article, which became one of the most-read pieces on the Toronto Star's website. Pon mentions that the reactions are mixed, with some praising the parents for their bravery, while others express concern about potential negative effects, including social isolation and teasing. Pon emphasizes that although some responses have been hostile, the story has sparked a much-needed conversation about gender and parenting.

🏳️‍🌈 The Challenge of Raising a Gender-Nonconforming Child

Cheryl Kavis, the mother of a boy who enjoys wearing dresses, speaks about the challenges of raising a child who expresses gender nonconformity. She praises Storm’s parents for challenging societal norms and encouraging authenticity in their child’s identity. Cheryl shares her own experience, mentioning that her son has been exploring his identity since he was two years old. She believes it’s essential for society to accept children as they are and applauds the courage of parents who choose to break traditional gender expectations.

🧠 A Psychologist's Take: Is This a Social Experiment?

Child psychologist Lisa Boesky weighs in, describing the decision to raise a gender-free child as a form of social experimentation. She expresses concerns about the potential negative outcomes, including bullying and social exclusion. Boesky believes that while gender discussions are important, this approach may go too far, potentially putting the child at risk of being labeled or ridiculed. She also notes that biology plays a significant role in identity formation, which could complicate the family's experiment.

🤔 The Question of Gender Identity vs. Expression

The discussion shifts to the subtle messages being sent by Storm's parents. Lisa and the panelists consider whether by raising their child without a defined gender, the parents are implying that gender itself is problematic. The conversation contrasts this with Cheryl’s experience, where her son’s gender expression is celebrated without denying his gender identity. A statement from Storm’s mother is read, defending their decision by saying they want their child to freely explore who they want to be, but the panelists debate whether this is an overly idealistic approach.

⚖️ Balancing Gender Identity, Expression, and Social Acceptance

Lisa and Cheryl wrap up the discussion by exploring the broader implications of gender roles in society. Cheryl highlights the importance of accepting children for who they are and allowing them to express themselves freely. She contrasts gender identity and expression, pointing out that while her son identifies as a boy, he enjoys expressing himself in traditionally feminine ways. The conversation concludes with a call for society to focus on more significant issues rather than imposing rigid gender categories on children.

Keywords

💡Gender-Free

The term 'gender-free' refers to raising a child without assigning them a specific gender identity from birth. In the video, the parents of a child named Storm are choosing not to disclose the baby's gender, allowing Storm to discover and decide their own gender identity later. This concept is central to the discussion about gender expression and its impact on child development.

💡Gender Expression

Gender expression refers to how an individual expresses their gender identity through behavior, clothing, and other outward signs. Cheryl's son, for example, expresses his gender by choosing to wear dresses, while still identifying as a boy. The discussion in the video contrasts gender expression with gender identity, emphasizing the need for acceptance of diverse expressions.

💡Social Experiment

A social experiment involves testing behaviors or decisions in society to observe potential outcomes. In this video, Lisa, a psychologist, refers to Storm's upbringing as a 'social experiment,' expressing concern over the unknown effects of raising a child without assigning a gender. This experiment is framed as uncharted territory with possible negative consequences like social isolation or teasing.

💡Teasing and Bullying

Teasing and bullying are highlighted as potential risks of raising a child without a defined gender. Several commentators express concern that Storm may face ridicule and social ostracization because of the unconventional approach to gender, which could make the child more vulnerable to being teased for being different.

💡Biology

Biology in this context refers to the physical and genetic characteristics that typically define gender. Dr. Drew and others discuss how biology plays a strong, though not exclusive, role in shaping gender identity. There is concern that ignoring biological gender might cause confusion or frustration in the child as they develop.

💡Parenting

Parenting in the video refers to the decisions parents make in raising their children, particularly regarding how they handle issues of gender identity and expression. The couple raising Storm is portrayed as making a unique parenting choice that challenges societal norms, prompting debate about the potential benefits and harms of such a decision.

💡Gender Identity

Gender identity is the internal understanding or perception of oneself as male, female, both, neither, or somewhere along the gender spectrum. The video discusses how Storm's parents are allowing their child to define their own gender identity, which contrasts with the more common practice of assigning a gender at birth.

💡Acceptance

Acceptance is a central theme, with Cheryl advocating for a society that accepts children for who they say they are, rather than imposing gender norms. She describes her own experience with her son, who identifies as a boy but enjoys wearing dresses, and how accepting him as he is has been crucial for his well-being.

💡Courage

Courage is discussed in the context of the parents' decision to raise Storm without a gender. Several people in the video describe the decision as brave, as it challenges deeply ingrained societal norms around gender. This act of courage is contrasted with concerns about the potential risks and backlash from others.

💡Compartmentalization

Compartmentalization refers to the tendency to categorize people into predefined boxes, such as 'boy' or 'girl.' Cheryl questions why society feels the need to categorize children based on gender, suggesting that doing so limits their ability to express themselves fully. The debate highlights the tension between individuality and societal expectations.

Highlights

Dr. Drew introduces a couple in Toronto who are raising their baby without revealing its gender, naming the child Storm.

The parents, David Stalker and Kathy Whitk, argue that they want their child to have the freedom to choose their gender identity.

Jamie Pon, a writer for the Toronto Star, mentions that this story has gained massive traction, becoming the second most read article on their website in two years.

Reactions to the story are mixed, with some praising the family for being brave, while others express concern over potential negative consequences for the child.

Cheryl Kavis, whose 5-year-old son enjoys wearing dresses, views the family's decision as an act of challenging societal gender norms.

Cheryl shares that her son, Dyson, identifies as a boy but enjoys wearing dresses, and she believes it's important to accept children for who they are.

Lisa Boesky, a child psychologist, voices concerns that raising a child without a defined gender is a social experiment that could have unforeseen negative effects.

Lisa highlights that while gender is only one part of a person's identity, it remains a significant factor and hiding it could lead to social isolation for the child.

Dr. Drew discusses the potential for teasing and bullying that the child might face due to the unconventional approach of gender-neutral upbringing.

The discussion touches on how biology plays a powerful role in gender identity, and suppressing this might create internal conflicts for the child.

A subtle message in the parents' approach might imply that having a gender is inherently wrong, which raises ethical concerns.

Kathy Whitk, the mother, expresses that their goal is for their child, Storm, to discover for themselves what gender they want to identify with.

Dr. Drew compares the concept of raising a child without a gender to the idea of communism, suggesting it might sound good in theory but may not work in practice.

Lisa Boesky emphasizes the importance of parents exposing their children to a broad range of experiences, but feels the Storm case takes it to an extreme.

Cheryl Kavis highlights the difference between gender identity and gender expression, stressing that conversations about gender should continue for societal growth.

Transcripts

watch Dr Drew's new show at 9 on HLN

week nights on HLN all right what's the

first thing we do when a baby's born the

first question we ask in fact we asked

the question before the baby's born we

now moved it back and look at

ultrasounds we asked is it a boy or a

girl right well there's a couple in

Toronto that is creating quite a stir

right now because they are not saying

they're literally not saying they're

raising their baby the baby's name is

Storm what they're calling gender free

David Stalker and his wife Kathy whtk

argue that they're giving their child

the freedom to choose who he or she

whichever it might be wants to be so

what is good about this what's bad about

it joining me to discuss it is Jamie Pon

she is a staff writer for the Toronto

Star and she profiled the family also

with me is clinical psychologist and

author Lisa boesky and Cheryl kavis her

son 5-year-old son likes to wear dresses

we visited with her family a couple of

weeks ago and uh she's authored a book

called The Princess boy all right Jamie

what is your take having reported on

this

family well thank you for having me uh

well I'm a I'm a news reporter so when I

went into this story I I thought that my

only goal was really to let it tell

itself and and I hope that what we were

able to do was create an article and and

a profile that raised a lot of questions

for people about child rearing and

parenting and gender and sex and how

those all come together when you're

raising your children I I don't think

the

pretending I'm gonna ask you are you

surprised by the stir are you surprised

by the the traction the story has gotten

the amount of reaction people are

having yes it's it's quite overwhelming

I uh I thought that it would be

interesting and I was hoping that it

would provoke an interesting discussion

it's the second most read story on our

website the star.com in two years and

I've been getting phone calls from

Austria the UK all over the US and as

soon as this story went up people

started emailing me responses uh some

good they think that the family is very

brave that they're letting the children

decide who they want to be uh other

people feel like this is perhaps an

experiment that will have harm harmful

effects on the children that they're

sending them out into the world in a way

that invites teasing and taunting uh I

think that it's creating a really

interesting discussion sometimes the

comments have been nasty and I don't

think that those contribute to a

constructive discussion but uh for sure

we've received a lot of really

interesting

feedback Cheryl let me ask you should

these parents be concerned about the

world they are sending that child

into well I think absolutely I mean as

parents we're all concerned about making

sure that we're making the right

decisions for our children but this is

just another example of of courageous

family saying okay World we're going to

challenge you about gender expression

and we're going to challenge you by not

using just adjectives to say strong boy

or pretty girl but we're going to

challenge you to say actually authentic

adjectives as such as pretty child and

strong child and chal does it surprise

you that people are reacting so

powerfully to this do you get similar

reactions with your

son absolutely I mean this is uh I think

it's just um as a mom we we go through

this kind of thing we try to make the

right decisions and we're doing the best

for our children and this is another

example I haven't met the family but my

hope is that there's an authenticity

there just as our family I mean my child

Dyson started doing this when he was

almost two years old and he's a very

strong extrovert child so he's sending

messages by saying accept me for who I

am and this family is challenging us to

do the same we need to get to a place of

acceptance well Lisa you're a child

psychologist and we we have a family

here that is sort of experimenting on a

child it's it's a human study of one is

it not that's exactly right I mean we do

have a culture obsessed I mean we have a

culture that's obsessed with gender I

agree and it's good that this gender

topic is being out in the Forefront but

I do think this choice is Extreme

raising your child without a gender

because it really is a social experiment

and we don't know if it's going to have

a negative outcome and if it does it's

going to be the child that pays the

price of that and think about the

Relentless teasing The Bullying I'm a

little concerned that this parents that

their their plan is going to back

backfire and although his identity won't

be male or female his identity could be

the he she boy or the ex-boy or the and

he might be a social outcast and that

might be worse than if he had a gender

in the first place you know most

research is pointing towards biology

having a very powerful effect correct

well very powerful not exclusive but

powerful understand so there's a

likelihood that that biology is going to

express itself and I and I know I know

males uh he's going to be angry he's GNA

you know what I mean that they're likely

to get that kind of a reaction from from

the child po that's possible and I think

just having to keep a secret of

something that what you are So

eventually he's going to notice he has

genitals well but isn't that isn't that

the the problem here in this story is

that behind that isn't there a subtle

message that gender itself is is wrong

it's something wrong with having a

gender exactly and and that's the part

that concerns me because there's a even

in not having a gender there's a message

that it's Cheryl's son was a different

story he has a certain way of expressing

himself and giving the fre to do that as

opposed to say gender is a bad thing and

let's hide it that's a subtle message

but that's that I we have a statement

from Kathy Whit let me read it because

she she she I think tries to address

this she says raising a child gender

free she says I'm not telling the gender

of my precious baby I'm saying to the

world please can you just let storm

which might if it's a he make him angry

by itself just let storm discover for

him or herself what he or she wants to

be on paper it sounds great it really

does but communism sounds good on paper

too that's all I'm saying well the thing

the thing is gender is one part of our

identity and an important part of our

our identity but you're also creative

smart a good soccer player an outgoing

personality and I think they're making

gender a bigger deal than it necessarily

needs to be kind of like what you're

saying by not having it out there it

makes it a bigger issue so I think they

can really I mean I'm a big believer

that all parents including myself we

need to be exposing our boys to more

feminine oriented things and we should

be doing the same thing with our girls

for sure all of us can work on that but

I think this takes it to such an extreme

it's like a social experiment Cheryl I

want to give you last words on this

because you've been struggling with this

for quite some time and you're I I would

call my my expert here having lived

through this what are your thoughts oh

well thank you yeah I think you know

there's there's a difference between

gender identity and gender expression

and um you're absolutely right Dyson

said I'm a princess boy he identifies

boy and that and that's what's happening

but this this is a bigger question I

think you're right there is the entire

experiment piece to it but it is

important for us to keep the

conversation going why do we need to

categorize why do we always need to

compartmentalize why can't we just

accept children for who they say they

are who they want to be and get to a

place where we're really focusing our

energy where it needs to be focused on

things that are going on in the world

not on where our children are trying to

be happy and be who they are thank you

Cheryl thank you Jamie thank you Lisa