You May be misusing The Skills! Try this Instead!
Summary
TLDRThe transcript emphasizes the importance of empathy and communication skills in personal and professional relationships. It stresses that these skills are not a quick fix but require consistent practice and application. The speaker highlights the need to internalize these skills and apply them genuinely, rather than as manipulative tactics. They also discuss the challenges of maintaining empathy in difficult conversations and the importance of responding to triggers with curiosity rather than reacting negatively. The speaker encourages continuous self-improvement and reflection on past interactions to enhance communication and empathy.
Takeaways
- đ Empathy and communication skills are not quick fixes but require long-term practice and application.
- đ€ The phrase 'how am I supposed to do that' should be used with genuine empathy, not as a manipulative tactic.
- đšâđ©âđ§âđŠ Modeling empathetic behavior with children can help them develop better communication skills as they grow up.
- đŁïž Empathy in communication is a learned skill, much like a foreign language, that requires consistent use to master.
- đ§ It's crucial to internalize and practice empathy to understand the other person's perspective and needs.
- đ¶ Starting empathy training early in life can make it a natural part of one's communication style, leading to more successful interactions.
- đŒ At work, using empathy skills even with difficult individuals can lead to better outcomes, despite potential skepticism from peers.
- đ€ The key to successful negotiation and communication is responding positively to triggers and maintaining a curious mindset.
- đĄïž Assertive communication can be intense, but it's important to manage triggers and not let them dictate negative reactions.
- đ After a communication misstep, a post-audit or self-reflection can help in understanding what went wrong and how to improve.
Q & A
What is the main message regarding the use of empathy in communication?
-The main message is that empathy in communication is not a quick fix but a long-term skill that requires consistent practice and an empathetic mindset. It's about genuinely understanding and considering the other person's perspective.
Why does the speaker emphasize the importance of not using empathy as a one-time tactic?
-The speaker emphasizes this because using empathy as a one-time tactic can lead to negative consequences in the long run. It may work initially, but it will eventually 'blow up in your face' as people catch on to insincere attempts.
How does the speaker suggest incorporating empathy into everyday life?
-The speaker suggests making empathy a part of your life by using it in everyday interactions, such as with children, to model empathetic behavior and make it a natural part of communication.
What is the significance of practicing empathy with children according to the speaker?
-Practicing empathy with children is significant because it helps them grow up with the ability to communicate effectively and understand others' perspectives, making it less difficult for them to be successful in their future interactions.
Why does the speaker compare learning empathy to learning a foreign language?
-The speaker compares learning empathy to learning a foreign language to highlight the fact that it requires consistent practice and usage. If not used regularly, one can lose the ability to empathize effectively, just as one can forget a language.
What is the speaker's advice for dealing with difficult individuals at work?
-The speaker advises to keep your mindset focused on the goal and not get caught up in others' opinions or reactions. They suggest that practicing empathy, even with difficult individuals, can lead to positive outcomes and personal growth.
How does the speaker handle being triggered during a conversation?
-The speaker handles being triggered by staying curious and not responding negatively to the trigger. They acknowledge their emotions, label them, and then refocus on understanding the other person's perspective.
What is the 'post-audit' technique mentioned by the speaker?
-The 'post-audit' technique is a self-reflection process where, after reacting to a trigger, the speaker takes a moment to apologize and calm down, which also helps to de-escalate the situation and allows for a more productive conversation.
Why is it important to question oneself and do a deeper dive after a negotiation or difficult conversation, according to the speaker?
-It's important to question oneself and do a deeper dive to learn from the experience, identify areas for improvement, and grow in one's communication skills. This continuous self-assessment helps in becoming more effective in future interactions.
What role does curiosity play in managing difficult conversations, as per the speaker?
-Curiosity plays a crucial role in managing difficult conversations by allowing the speaker to stay focused on understanding the other person's perspective, even when triggered. This mindset helps in responding positively rather than reacting negatively.
Outlines
đ Empathy and Long-Term Skill Development
The speaker emphasizes that people often seek quick fixes but fail to realize that developing skills, particularly in empathy and communication, is a long-term endeavor. Success can be achieved, but it requires an ongoing commitment to practice and internalize these skills. The speaker warns against using empathy as a one-time tactic, as it can backfire without genuine understanding and application. They advocate for integrating these skills into daily life, using examples such as coaching children to model empathetic behavior, which can lead to better communication in adulthood. The speaker also discusses the challenges of using empathy in difficult situations, such as with unsympathetic individuals, and suggests that practicing empathy in such contexts can yield significant personal and professional rewards.
đ Navigating Triggers and the Power of Curiosity
In this paragraph, the speaker discusses the importance of being comfortable with discomfort during negotiations or difficult conversations. They acknowledge that it's natural to feel triggered but stress the importance of responding positively to these triggers. The speaker highlights the value of curiosity in understanding the underlying messages in communication and suggests that staying curious can help manage negative reactions. They differentiate between assertive and analytical personalities, using humor to illustrate their points. The speaker also talks about the process of self-auditing after a conversation, admitting mistakes, and using apologies strategically to de-escalate tension and maintain control over the situation.
đ€ The Impact of Apologies and Self-Auditing
The final paragraph focuses on the calming effect of self-auditing and the strategic use of apologies. The speaker explains that acknowledging a loss of control or an overreaction can help in diffusing tense situations. They suggest that a well-placed apology can serve to calm both parties involved, as it can break the cycle of escalating emotions. The speaker emphasizes the importance of this technique in managing one's own reactions and in influencing the other person's response, leading to a more constructive dialogue.
Mindmap
Keywords
đĄEmpathy
đĄQuick Fix
đĄMindset
đĄInternalize
đĄModeling
đĄAssertive
đĄTrigger
đĄCuriosity
đĄPost-audit
đĄApology
đĄNegotiation
Highlights
The importance of understanding that developing skills for long-term success is not a quick fix but a long game.
Success in using certain skills can be temporary and may eventually backfire without empathy.
The necessity of adopting an empathy mindset when engaging with others.
The potential for a single successful use of a skill to lead to over-reliance and eventual failure.
The value of internalizing and practicing skills with the correct mindset for effective communication.
The analogy of learning a foreign language to emphasize the importance of continuous practice.
Coaching advice on integrating these skills into daily life and using them with children to model empathetic behavior.
The impact of modeling empathy on children's future communication skills.
The challenge of using empathy with difficult individuals and the benefits of doing so.
The importance of maintaining one's mindset and not getting caught up in others' perceptions during difficult interactions.
The concept of examining past conversations for continuous improvement in communication skills.
The idea that being uncomfortable during negotiations is normal and part of the process.
The advice on responding positively to triggers during difficult conversations.
The power of curiosity in navigating challenging interactions and finding hidden messages.
The strategy of self-labeling negative emotions to dissipate them and refocus on the conversation.
The concept of a 'post-audit' to calm oneself and the other party after an emotional reaction.
The effectiveness of a well-placed apology in diffusing tension and reestablishing a calm conversation.
Transcripts
well I think what happens is people
sometimes come to us when they want that
quick fix and they don't realize that
this is not a quick fix this is a long
game using these skills are a long game
and you yes can you have success
especially with how am I supposed to do
that because that's like the the one
thing that many people took from the
book and they're like how am I supposed
to do that and we hear that all the time
and and that is going to blow up in your
face it may work a few times but it will
blow up in your face eventually because
it has to be preceded by empathy in
other words you have to be in that
empathy mindset using these skills
having that conversation with that
person and then trigger their empathy by
saying oh how am I supposed to do that
it's it's not an end all Beall skill
that's going to get you what you want
and the problem is then people hear that
they use it the one time to great
success and then they just keep using it
and they just keep using it and then
finally they use it on the the same
person twice and the person's like what
is this how I supp you know then it
catches on and then you're lost because
if you don't internalize and practice
and use this stuff with a proper mindset
thinking about what's going on with the
person on the other side you're not
going to get anywhere you you it's not a
quick fix and I think that's the thing
that when you first start working with
someone when you first start coaching
someone and they hear you say that they
go GH you know because it is like
learning that foreign language and if
you've ever learned a foreign language
you know that if you stop doing it you
forget it if you don't use it you lose
it and so when we tell people you have
to use this you have to use this all the
time my thing with people is make it a
part of your life I I love coaching
people with kids because I say use it
with your children because what you're
going to do is your modeling empathetic
behavior that they will then grow up to
do because you've modeled it for them
and it'll be a lot less difficult for
them to be successful in their
Communications when they grow up because
you've modeled that behavior for them I
mean think about um when we were kids
and our parents would say go do this and
you'd say why because I said so that's
not empathy folks that's typical
parental reaction which you will do
anyway but try not to do it all the time
when they say why it seems like you
really want to understand why I'm having
you do this and then you know and then
give them something I mean why is the
sky blue I don't know oxygen does this
and chemicals do that and they don't
care what you say just don't say because
and give them an answer it it shapes
their mind
into thinking about what's happening on
the other side and what the other side
needs to hear and feel from you which
leads them to be empathetic and it'll be
less of a lift for them when they get
older to be able to do empathy to use
empathy to understand what empathy is
it'll be ingrained in them instead of
like it was for us when we had to take a
year to focus on what the hell was
happening and and try to figure out what
we were doing and take a really long
time to use the skills and understand
the mindset and learn that foreign
language
and understand that it's not a quick fix
and your kids will get that if you start
them early on
this and the the mindset thing one of
the one of the obstacles I had was
especially at work when I try to use the
skills on the worst possible person like
the one everybody hated whether it was
the bad boss or or the peer or whatever
or even on the on the negotiation team
when the bad guy is so wholly
unsympathetic you know a a child sex
abuser or something like that and You'
be using the skills keep your mindset
when you're at work because people are
going to ask you why are you being nice
to them and the fact is those people are
are in my experience the ones that these
work best on because nobody's listening
to them and you're not being nice you're
going to win with this it's all about
it's all you make it all about them but
it's all about your results so when
you've got the bad boss and you're the
one that talks to them there's going to
be people who whisper that you know
you're sucking up there's going to be
people who whisper that you've switched
sides keep your mind set because what
you're going after is that win you're
trying to affect all of your futures the
whole team so uh don't don't get in your
own head about how this feels or how
this looks to other people you're gonna
ultimately you're the warrior in this
and you're going to win it but it it
does take practice and but it's so much
fun when you unlock somebody that nobody
else has unlocked when when somebody
tells you something that they've never
told anyone else oh it's yeah just work
on your poker face so you're not going
ha you know because that'll throw them
off their game a little bit but um it it
takes time and and we keep drilling that
down but it takes time to develop and
you should always keep developing you
should always examine the conversations
that you had this morning and last night
and say what could I have done better
what could I have learned what did I
miss what am I going to do next time I
talk to this person and just keep
growing because it is it is an absolute
blast and and you become that person
that everybody wants to talk to and
you're just sitting back making money
because they call you with all of their
lucrative problems yeah that's I like
the way you put
that you know what's interesting it
seems like there's a Common Thread that
I'm hearing that you guys are all saying
which is in any negotiation you're going
to question yourself you're GNA do a
deeper dive if you don't get it right
the first time and you have to be like
extremely ious if you're hitting
particularly if you're hitting up
against a wall so it sounds like getting
comfortable with being uncomfortable is
part of
this absolutely Abol freaking question
there's nobody on this screen that is
going to tell
you don't get triggered during a
negotiation or difficult conversation
they better not tell you that because
it's impossible for you to not get
triggered during the conversation
the key is how do you respond to the
trigger and this is what Marcela was
talking about as far as the curiosity is
concerned yes you get yelled at you get
attacked during the conversation it's
going to sting a little
bit and and at least two of the four
people on this screen are going to go at
you or their their initial inclination
is going to be to
go I'm tipping my hand here but to go
mama bear on you and and you know what
Mama Bear does when she's trying to
protect
mly I haven't practiced it so he also
just pointed out the two assertives
yes and so yeah so with the assertives
and I've said this for you guys before
the difference
between uh people say What's the
difference between uh the assertive and
and the the analyst and I and um um
because we often talk about them being
two sides of the same coin and the
difference the real difference between
the assertive and the analyst
is the the
analyst is going to sneak up behind you
and slit your throat and you'll never
hear him coming you'll never see her
coming it'll be a Tony Soprano moment
you'll put a onion ring in your mouth
and it just the screen just goes
blank with the assertives
they're going to bury the knife right in
your chest so they can watch The Life
leave your eyes that's the main
difference but the fact of the matter is
you're going to get triggered during
these conversations we're not telling
you not to get triggered we're telling
you don't respond negatively to the
trigger and staying curious is it goes a
long way into doing that because there's
always always
always a hidden message M behind every
statement behind every question and so I
stay in a curious mindset I let it sting
I think to myself oh I could just smash
you in the face with a brick right now
you're making me angry immediately as
soon as I label self-label myself the
negative emotions that I'm feeling
dissipate and now I can refocus on all
right let me be curious about where
that's coming
from and also understand that as many
times as you practice that there will be
times when you don't do that there will
be times when you are triggered so
deeply that your first response is and
the thing is the ability to take a deep
breath and realize what you've just done
and back off and I call this the post
audit I am so
sorry yeah you probably think I am a
complete idiot you probably think I'm
the meanest person in the world because
basically I just jumped back on you
that's the you know you do something and
you immediately and I have a lot of
practice at this and Marcel maybe you do
too because we're assertive and
sometimes assertives can geted very
easily and just react and then have to
realize I'm so sorry I'm a complete
idiot and then you calm yourself down a
little bit by by saying that and watch
the other side it's amazing how well it
works because if you react on someone
and you punch them in the face really
quickly not not physically although well
no not physically um but when you see
that reaction and you have to back off
for a
second you taking that time to say I'm
so sorry you probably feel like I've
lost my mind that actually calms you
down too because that audit works on
them it also works on you and you can
see them look at you like yeah you did
lose your mind but because you addressed
it they've calmed down and the trigger
that you reacted to doesn't gear them up
at the same time when you when you kind
of insert that little apology there
which is why you know there's nothing
wrong with a well-placed apology ever
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