How to stop obsessing over what other people are thinking | Teresa Lodato | TEDxGreenhouse Road
Summary
TLDRThe speaker shares a personal story of misinterpreting a high school crush's behavior due to a negativity bias, which led to a distorted perception of self-worth. She emphasizes the importance of overcoming this bias by being aware, curious, and connected to foster authentic relationships. The talk encourages introspection on how we perceive others and ourselves, advocating for a shift towards authenticity and deeper connections.
Takeaways
- 💭 The speaker had a crush on a high school varsity baseball player, Mike, and tried to cross paths with him, but he never noticed her due to his struggle with a concussion.
- 🤔 She mistakenly assumed Mike ignored her because she wasn't 'cool enough,' which affected her self-esteem and dating life for years.
- 🔄 The speaker later learned at a reunion that Mike was preoccupied with his concussion and didn't even notice her attempts to get his attention.
- 🧠 Our brains are naturally biased towards negativity, which can lead to creating distorted narratives about others based on assumptions rather than facts.
- 📉 The negativity bias can distort our perception of the world and our interactions, often leading us to presume negative intentions in our relationships.
- 🔑 The term 'negativity bias' was first identified by researchers Paul Rosen and Edward Royman, who outlined four basic elements of this bias, including 'negative potency.'
- 💡 Awareness is the first step in overcoming negativity bias; recognizing when our brain's predictions don't match reality allows us to question our preconceived narratives.
- 🧘♀️ Being calm helps mitigate the influence of negativity bias, enabling higher levels of executive functioning for rational thinking and emotional regulation.
- 🤓 Cultivating curiosity about others and questioning automatic narratives can reveal misconceptions and prevent us from jumping to conclusions about their actions and intentions.
- 💬 Being connected involves active listening, empathy, and genuine interest in others' well-being, creating a space for open and honest communication.
- 🌟 Authenticity in our interactions comes from understanding and owning our narratives, which allows us to drop unconscious masks shaped by ego, societal expectations, and negativity.
Q & A
What was the speaker's experience with Mike in high school?
-The speaker had a crush on Mike, a varsity baseball player, and tried to cross paths with him by standing near his locker. Despite her efforts, Mike barely acknowledged her, which led her to create a negative story about what he thought of her.
Why did Mike not notice the speaker in high school?
-Mike was dealing with a concussion that affected his grades, his ability to play baseball, and his general ability to focus on anything in school, including the speaker's attempts to get his attention.
What did the speaker learn at the 20-year high school reunion when she asked Mike about ignoring her?
-She learned that Mike had been struggling with a concussion, which was so overwhelming that he didn't even notice her trying to be seen by him.
What is the concept of 'negativity bias' as discussed in the script?
-Negativity bias is a psychological tendency to focus more on negative experiences and emotions than positive ones. It's a cognitive bias that can distort our perception of the world and our interactions with others.
How does the speaker describe the process of creating stories about others?
-The speaker explains that our brains instinctively weave two stories about others: one about who they might be based on clues they offer, and another about what we assume they're thinking about us. These stories shape our interactions.
What are the four basic elements of negativity bias as identified by researchers Paul Rosen and Edward Royman?
-The four basic elements are negative potency, which is the idea that negative events or emotions have a greater impact and are remembered more; the other three elements are not specified in the script.
How can awareness help in overcoming negativity bias?
-Awareness of the negativity bias allows us to notice a disconnect between our brain's predictions and the actual interaction, giving us a choice to either cling to our preconceived stories or confront the possibility that we might be wrong.
What are the three steps the speaker suggests to counter negativity bias?
-The three steps are to be calm, which provides a foundation for constructive interaction and clear thinking; to be curious, which involves questioning automatic narratives and seeking to understand others; and to be connected, which involves active engagement and creating a space for open and honest communication.
How does the speaker define 'connection' in the context of overcoming negativity bias?
-Connection is defined as going beyond mere social interaction to encompass a deep understanding and shared experience. It involves active listening, empathy, and a genuine interest in the well-being of others.
What is the ultimate goal of the speaker's message about overcoming negativity bias?
-The ultimate goal is to transform the way we perceive and respond to others by becoming aware and intentional in our communication, which can lead to more authentic and meaningful relationships.
What does the speaker suggest is the first step towards building deeper and more compassionate relationships?
-The first step is changing the stories we tell ourselves about others and about ourselves, which involves understanding and owning our narratives to empower ourselves to be more authentic.
Outlines
💔 Misinterpretations in Adolescence
The speaker recounts her high school experience of having a crush on a baseball player named Mike, who never reciprocated her attention. She assumed he ignored her because he thought he was too good for her. Years later, she learned at a reunion that Mike had been dealing with a concussion, which affected his ability to focus and notice her. This story illustrates how our brains create narratives based on assumptions about others' thoughts and feelings, which can lead to misunderstandings and negatively impact our self-worth and relationships.
🧠 Understanding Negativity Bias
The speaker delves into the concept of negativity bias, first identified by researchers Paul Rosen and Edward Royman, and explains its four basic elements, with a focus on 'negative potency.' This bias causes negative events to have a more significant impact and be more memorable, leading to self-fulfilling prophecies where our brains seek evidence to confirm negative narratives. The speaker emphasizes the importance of awareness in overcoming this bias and suggests that questioning our assumptions and approaching interactions with a fresh perspective can help counteract the negativity bias.
🌟 Overcoming Bias for Authentic Connections
The speaker outlines strategies to overcome negativity bias: being calm to access higher levels of executive functioning, being curious to question automatic narratives and understand others, and being connected to foster meaningful engagement. She stresses the importance of active listening, empathy, and genuine interest in others' well-being to create open and honest communication. The speaker concludes by highlighting the importance of authenticity in our interactions, suggesting that by understanding and owning our narratives, we can present our true selves to the world and build deeper, more compassionate relationships.
Mindmap
Keywords
💡Crush
💡Negativity Bias
💡Concussion
💡Projection
💡Authenticity
💡Awareness
💡Curiosity
💡Connection
💡Self-Fulfilling Prophecy
💡Indifference
💡Masks
Highlights
The speaker had a crush on a high school baseball player named Mike and tried to cross paths with him, but he barely noticed her.
The speaker told herself a story that Mike thought he was too good for her, which affected her self-worth and dating life for years.
At a high school reunion, the speaker learned Mike had been struggling with a concussion and was not ignoring her, revealing the power of self-created narratives.
The brain instinctively creates stories about others based on limited clues, which can lead to misunderstandings and negative interactions.
The speaker emphasizes the importance of not creating stories about what others think of us and instead being curious about their lives.
Negativity bias is hardwired into our brains, making us more likely to remember and focus on negative events and emotions.
Negativity bias can distort our perception of the world and our relationships, leading to assumptions of negative intentions from others.
The term 'negativity bias' was first coined by researchers Paul Rosen and Edward Royman, who identified four basic elements of this bias.
The concept of 'negative potency' suggests that negative events have a stronger impact and tend to be remembered more vividly.
Our brains look for evidence to confirm negative stories we tell ourselves, creating self-fulfilling prophecies.
The speaker suggests that awareness is the first step in overcoming negativity bias and countering its effects.
Being calm is essential for constructive interaction and clear thinking, helping to mitigate the influence of negativity bias.
Cultivating curiosity about others and questioning automatic narratives can reveal misconceptions and promote understanding.
Active and meaningful engagement with others, through active listening and empathy, can lead to deeper connections.
Transformation involves not only perceiving others differently but also presenting ourselves authentically to the world.
Authenticity in communication involves understanding and owning our narratives, allowing us to be our truest selves.
Changing the stories we tell ourselves about others and ourselves is crucial for building deeper, more compassionate relationships.
Transcripts
[Applause]
when I was in high school I had a bit of
a crush on a varsity baseball player
named Mike every day when I'd get to
school I'd try to figure out if we were
going to cross paths during the day and
sometimes it would just happen but most
of the time it was something I kind of
had to plan out I'd go stand near his
locker looking cute and when I say cute
I meant really
cute but despite my best attempts
despite furiously batting my
eyelashes he never gave me a second look
in fact he barely even talked to
me and in response I did what everyone
else would do what we do all the time
whether we realize it or not when this
kind of thing
happens I told myself a story about what
he was thinking about me and why he was
ignoring
me I told myself that he was thinking
that he was too good for me that he was
way too cool and that I wasn't nearly
cool enough to hang out with him and the
rest of the In
Crowd and the sad fact is that story set
the tone for my dating life for quite a
few
years it took a long time for me to
realize that I was actually good enough
to be someone's partner
I ran into Mike at our 20-year High
School reunion and I asked him why did
you ignore me all those years
ago I mean I realized that a long time
had passed but I just had to
know and what I learned was
revealing the whole time I was trying to
capture his eye in high school he'd been
struggling with a
concussion and it seriously imp acted
not only his grades and his ball playing
but his General ability to focus on
anything in school including
me in fact he said that his
preoccupation and anxiety were so
overwhelming that he didn't even see me
there trying to be seen by
him this happens all the
time when we meet someone our brain
instinctively weaves two stories of
about them one is about who this person
might be pieced together from whatever
small Clues they
offer the other is a slightly more
Insidious narrative about what we assume
they're thinking about
us these two stories shape all our
interactions believing that someone
values us that they like us that they're
willing to talk to us can lead to
positive engagement
whereas sensing indifference or
hostility generally results in our
responding in a similar
way and that's what happened with
Mike I told myself a story an incredibly
negative story about what he was
thinking about
me and that his lack of
recognition was a reflection of my
worth but in
reality I didn't know what he was
thinking
and I certainly didn't have a clue what
he was actually going
through we need to stop creating stories
about what other people are thinking and
instead become intentionally curious
about others and what's really going on
in their
lives this way we create deeper more
meaningful Connections in our
relationships now the good news is it's
not
you it's your
brain see the core of the problem is our
brains are hardwired for negativity
study after study has shown that rather
than responding freshly to new scenarios
our brains tend to make predictions
based on past
experiences and this negativity bias
when coupled with assumed negative
intentions from others can result in
distorted narratives that block genuine
relationships
and this bias isn't just a fleeting
emotional response it's hardwired into
our brains and while it might have kept
us safe once upon a time it can
significantly distort our perception of
the world and our interactions with
others leading us to presume negative
intentions in our
relationships now most of us know that
negativity bias is a thing but the fact
fact is it is much more of a thing than
most of us
realize the term negativity bias was
first coined by a pair of researchers
named Paul Rosen and Edward royman and
they identified four basic elements of
this bias the first and most
foundational of which they call negative
potency and this is the idea that though
negative and positive events or emotions
may carry an equal impact might even
carry a similar emotional weight it's
the negative ones that mean the most we
remember them we return to them over and
over they
stick and these Impressions become
self-fulfilling
prophecies our brains start looking for
evidence to confirm the negative stories
that we're telling
ourselves and we don't know that we do
this we just do it and the problem
becomes ESP especially serious when we
begin projecting these negative biases
onto others when we assume they hold
unfavorable views of
us so what are we to
do well the first step in overcoming
this negativity in countering it really
because we're never going to get over it
all together is
awareness the negativity bias is like
any other bias until we know it's
operating in our system we can't do
anything about
it but when we notice a disconnect
between what our brain is predicting and
the actual interaction we're faced with
a
choice do we cling to our preconceived
stories about
others or do we confront the
possibility that we might be
wrong it's essential to question these
narratives and break free from our past
experiences by approaching each
interaction with a fresh
perspective and the antidote to
overcoming preconceived notions is to be
calm be
curious and be
connected the first is be
calm this is the foundation for
constructive interaction as well as
clear
thinking achieving a state of calm is
crucial in mitigating the built-in
influence of our
negativity when when we're calm our
brains are able to access higher levels
of executive functioning which is
responsible for things like rational
thinking and emotional
regulation a calm mind is capable of
processing information
objectively the second is be
curious adopt a curious mindset about
others and even
yourself this involves questioning the
automatic narratives we construct and
instead seeing seing to understand
others we need to stop jumping to
conclusions and start reaching out
instead when we do it can reveal
misconceptions in our interpretations of
others actions and intentions it gets us
past the story we're telling ourselves
about what other people are thinking
about
us and third be
connected this is the pathway to seeking
active and meaningful engagement with
others now this goes Way Beyond mere
social interaction and instead
encompasses a deep sense of deep
understanding and shared
experience you do this through active
listening through empathy and through a
genuine interest in the well-being of
others connection is about creating a
space where open and honest
communication can flourish where both
parties feel seen and
heard ultimately this isn't just about
the way we perceive and respond to
others but about the way we show up in
the world and that's what I want to
leave you
with transformation is not just about
the way we perceive others but the way
we present ourselves to
others we need to ask what am I thinking
about what others are thinking while
also asking what am I telling you about
me this shift marks a crucial step
towards authenticity and our
interactions it's only when we become
aware and intentional in the way we
communicate with others that we can
begin to drop the masks we unconsciously
wear these masks shaped by ego shaped by
society's
expectations even shaped by our own
negativity about ourselves and others
obscure who we really
are by understanding and owning our
narratives we Empower ourselves to be
more authentic the fullest truest
versions of who we really
are changing the stories we tell
ourselves about others and to ourselves
about
ourselves is the first step towards
building deeper more compassionate
relationships thank you
[Applause]
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