3 secrets of resilient people | Lucy Hone
Summary
TLDRLa conferencista comparte su experiencia personal y profesional en la resiliencia tras enfrentarse a la muerte de su hija en un accidente automovilístico. Expone tres estrategias clave basadas en la investigación que le ayudaron a superar la adversidad: reconocer que el sufrimiento es parte de la vida, elegir cuidadosamente dónde centrar la atención y cuestionarse si sus acciones son útiles o perjudiciales para su bienestar. Estas herramientas no solo la sostuvieron en su lucha contra la tristeza, sino que también demuestran que es posible vivir y luchar contra la adversidad al mismo tiempo.
Takeaways
- 📚 La resiliencia es un tema de estudio importante, especialmente en tiempos de adversidad.
- 💪 La resiliencia no es un rasgo fijo, sino un proceso que todos pueden aprender y aplicar.
- 🌟 La adversidad no discrimina; todos enfrentamos retos y dificultades en la vida.
- 🤔 La gente resiliente entiende que el sufrimiento es parte de la vida y no se siente discriminada por ello.
- 🎯 Los resilientes eligen cuidadosamente dónde centrar su atención, enfocándose en lo que pueden cambiar y aceptando lo que no pueden.
- 🧐 La habilidad de evaluar situaciones de manera realista y enfocarse en aspectos positivos es clave para la resiliencia.
- 🔍 La gente resiliente se cuestiona constantemente si sus acciones están ayudando o perjudicando su bienestar.
- 👀 La atención a los aspectos positivos de la vida, incluso en momentos de duelo, puede ser una estrategia poderosa para la resiliencia.
- 📈 El experimento de Martin Seligman muestra que enfocarse en las cosas buenas puede aumentar la gratitud, la felicidad y reducir la depresión.
- 👣 La resiliencia implica tomar decisiones conscientes y deliberadas para manejar los desafíos de la vida.
- 🌱 A pesar de las dificultades, es posible vivir y luchar contra el duelo al mismo tiempo, encontrando esperanza y caminos hacia la recuperación.
Q & A
¿Qué es lo que la oradora comenzó a investigar hace una década en la Universidad de Pensilvania en Filadelfia?
-La oradora comenzó a investigar sobre la resiliencia hace una década en la Universidad de Pensilvania en Filadelfia.
¿Qué evento significativo ocurrió durante su investigación que influenció a su vida profesional?
-Durante su investigación, los profesores que la entrenaban obtuvieron un contrato para entrenar a los 1.1 millones de soldados estadounidenses para ser mentalmente en forma, al igual que lo están físicamente.
¿Qué cambio significativo ocurrió en su vida personal tras el terremoto de Christchurch?
-Después del terremoto de Christchurch, ella pospuso su investigación y comenzó a trabajar con su comunidad local para ayudarlos a pasar por el terrible período post-sismo.
¿Qué evento trágico sucedió en 2014 que cambió su perspectiva sobre la resiliencia?
-En 2014, durante un fin de semana del Día de la Reina, su hija de 12 años y dos amigas murieron en un accidente automovilístico, lo cual marcó un cambio radical en su vida y su identidad, pasando de ser una experta en resiliencia a una madre dueña.
¿Cómo se sintió la oradora tras recibir el consejo de los expertos tras la muerte de su hija?
-La oradora se sintió como una víctima y se sintió abrumada por el camino que tenía por delante, sintiéndose impotente para influir en su propio proceso de duelo.
¿Qué tres estrategias clave aprendió la oradora de la investigación sobre resiliencia y cómo las aplicó en su vida?
-Las tres estrategias clave que aprendió y aplicó en su vida son: 1) Entender que la adversidad es parte de la vida y no sentirse discriminado por ella; 2) Seleccionar cuidadosamente donde pone su atención, enfocándose en lo que se puede cambiar y aceptando lo que no se puede; 3) Hacer preguntas que evalúan si sus acciones están ayudando o dañando su proceso de recuperación.
¿Qué es el 'beneficio de encontrar' y cómo ayudó a la oradora en su proceso de duelo?
-El 'beneficio de encontrar' es un concepto de la psicología que implica tratar de encontrar cosas por las cuales agradecer o aspectos positivos en una situación negativa. Esto ayudó a la oradora a enfocarse en aspectos positivos, como el apoyo social que recibieron y el hecho de que sus hijos aún estaban con ellos.
¿Qué estudio de 2005 menciona la oradora y qué hallazgos se realizaron en ese estudio?
-El estudio de 2005 realizado por Martin Seligman y colegas, pidió a las personas que pensaran en tres cosas buenas que les sucedieron cada día. Al final del estudio de seis meses, se encontró que estas personas mostraron niveles más altos de gratitud, felicidad y menos depresión.
¿Qué es la pregunta que la oradora utiliza para evaluar si sus acciones están ayudando o dañando su proceso de recuperación?
-La pregunta que utiliza es '¿Estoy ayudando o dañando a mí mismo con lo que estoy haciendo?', una herramienta que le permite tomar un paso atrás y evaluar si sus acciones están contribuyendo positivamente a su bienestar emocional.
¿Cómo describe la oradora la resiliencia y cómo se puede cultivar en cualquier persona?
-La oradora describe la resiliencia como un proceso ordinario y no como una cualidad fija o elusiva. Según ella, la resiliencia se puede cultivar a través de la voluntad de probar estrategias sencillas y accesibles, como las que compartió en su charla.
¿Qué mensaje de esperanza comparte la oradora con aquellos que están atravesando un momento difícil en su vida?
-La oradora comparte un mensaje de esperanza al decir que, a pesar de la adversidad y el dolor, es posible vivir y luchar al mismo tiempo, y que las estrategias que ella compartió pueden ayudar a otros a encontrar un camino hacia la resiliencia y la recuperación.
Outlines
😢 La adversidad y la resiliencia
La oradora comienza hablando de la adversidad y cómo afecta a las personas, invitando a aquellos que han experimentado diferentes tipos de sufrimiento a levantarse o mostrar su mano. Luego, agradece a todos y les pide sentarse. Ella menciona su experiencia en la Universidad de Pensilvania, donde estudió la resiliencia y fue entrenada para enseñar a los soldados estadounidenses a ser mentalmente en forma. Después de regresar a su ciudad natal de Christchurch para comenzar su investigación doctoral, enfrentó el terremoto de Christchurch y puso su investigación en pausa para ayudar a su comunidad. Sin embargo, su verdadera prueba llegó en 2014, cuando perdió a su hija en un accidente automovilístico, lo que cambió su vida y la transformó en una madre afligida. Ella expresa su desagrado por el consejo que recibió tras la muerte de su hija, que la hizo sentir como una víctima y la dejó sintiéndose desesperada y sin poder influir en su proceso de duelo.
🤔 La búsqueda de esperanza y la autoexperimentación
Después de la muerte de su hija, la oradora se sintió abrumada por el camino que tenía por delante y decidió rechazar el consejo que había recibido, sintiendo que la dejaba sin esperanza. En lugar de seguir las recomendaciones, decidió realizar un autoexperimento utilizando las herramientas y conocimientos adquiridos en su investigación sobre resiliencia. A pesar de que no estaba segura de que sus estrategias funcionaran, cinco años después, ella confirma que es posible superar la adversidad y que existen estrategias efectivas para enfrentar momentos difíciles. Ella comparte tres estrategias clave que le ayudaron en sus días más oscuros y que son accesibles para todos: aceptar que la adversidad es parte de la vida, elegir cuidadosamente dónde presta atención y enfocarse en lo que se puede cambiar, y aceptar lo que no se puede.
🔍 Enfocar en lo positivo y la elección consciente
En este párrafo, la oradora profundiza en la segunda estrategia de resiliencia, que es elegir dónde prestar atención. Resalta la importancia de evaluar realistamente las situaciones y enfocarse en lo que se puede cambiar, aceptando lo que no se puede. Explica cómo los seres humanos somos muy buenos para notar amenazas y debilidades, lo que es un rasgo evolutivo útil, pero que en la era moderna, estamos expuestos a una constante avalancha de amenazas que nuestro cerebro intenta procesar como si fueran tigres. La oradora comparte su experiencia personal de encontrar beneficios en su situación, como agradecer por el apoyo social recibido y por tener a sus dos hijos varones. Ella menciona un estudio de Martin Seligman que demuestra que enfocarse en las cosas buenas puede aumentar la gratitud, la felicidad y reducir la depresión.
🛑 Reflexión sobre el bienestar personal y la toma de decisiones
El tercer párrafo se centra en la tercera estrategia de resiliencia: hacer preguntas que ayuden a determinar si nuestras acciones están ayudando o perjudicando nuestra situación. La oradora describe cómo se aplicó esta pregunta a su vida después de la muerte de su hija, ayudándola a tomar decisiones conscientes sobre cómo lidiar con su duelo. Ella comparte ejemplos de cómo esta pregunta puede ser útil en diferentes contextos de la vida, como la promoción laboral, los exámenes o la recuperación de una enfermedad. La oradora concluye que estas tres estrategias son simples y accesibles, y que la resiliencia no es un rasgo fijo, sino un proceso ordinario que todos pueden aprender y aplicar. Ofrece un mensaje de esperanza a aquellos que sienten que no pueden superar cierta adversidad, instándoles a considerar estas estrategias y a reflexionar sobre su capacidad para vivir y llorar al mismo tiempo.
Mindmap
Keywords
💡Resiliencia
💡Adversidad
💡Duelo
💡Estrategias
💡Cuidado de sí mismo
💡Atención
💡Beneficio
💡Gestión del estrés
💡Identidad
💡Esperanza
Highlights
The speaker begins by asking the audience to stand if they've experienced various forms of adversity, emphasizing that everyone faces tough times.
The speaker started studying resilience at the University of Pennsylvania, where she was trained by professors who were also training American soldiers.
After the Christchurch earthquakes, the speaker put her research on hold to help her community, teaching resilience strategies.
In 2014, the speaker faced her own test of resilience when her daughter and two others were killed in a car accident.
The speaker describes the initial advice and resources she received after her daughter's death as overwhelming and disempowering.
She decided to conduct a self-experiment using the resilience strategies she had studied, rather than accepting the victim narrative.
Five years later, the speaker confirms that the strategies she used were effective in helping her navigate through grief and adversity.
The speaker introduces three key strategies for resilience that she relied upon during her darkest days.
Resilient people understand that suffering is a part of life and do not feel discriminated against when it occurs.
Resilient individuals are adept at focusing their attention on what they can change and accepting what they cannot.
The speaker emphasizes the importance of finding benefits and focusing on the positive aspects of life, even in the face of tragedy.
An experiment by Martin Seligman showed that focusing on three good things each day can increase gratitude, happiness, and reduce depression.
Resilient people regularly ask themselves whether their actions are helping or harming them, which is a powerful tool for self-reflection.
The speaker shares personal examples of how she applied the 'helping or harming' question to navigate her grief.
Resilience is not a fixed trait but rather a set of ordinary processes that anyone can learn and apply.
The speaker encourages the audience to use these strategies if they ever feel they cannot recover from a difficult situation.
The speaker concludes by expressing gratitude for the strategies that have allowed her to live and grieve simultaneously.
Transcripts
Transcriber: Ivana Korom Reviewer: Joanna Pietrulewicz
So I'd like to start, if I may, by asking you some questions.
If you've ever lost someone you truly love,
ever had your heart broken,
ever struggled through an acrimonious divorce,
or been the victim of infidelity,
please stand up.
If standing up isn't accessible to you, you can put your hand up.
Please, stay standing,
and keep your hand up there.
If you've ever lived through a natural disaster,
been bullied or been made redundant,
stand on up.
If you've ever had a miscarriage,
if you've ever had an abortion
or struggled through infertility,
please stand up.
Finally, if you, or anyone you love,
has had to cope with mental illness, dementia,
some form of physical impairment,
or cope with suicide,
please stand up.
Look around you.
Adversity doesn't discriminate.
If you are alive,
you are going to have to, or you've already had to,
deal with some tough times.
Thank you, everyone, take a seat.
I started studying resilience research a decade ago,
at the University of Pennsylvania in Philadelphia.
It was an amazing time to be there,
because the professors who trained me
had just picked up the contract to train all 1.1 million American soldiers
to be as mentally fit as they always have been physically fit.
As you can imagine,
you don't get a much more skeptical discerning audience
than the American drill sergeants returning from Afganistan.
So for someone like me,
whose main quest in life is trying to work out
how we take the best of scientific findings out of academia
and bring them to people in their everyday lives,
it was a pretty inspiring place to be.
I finished my studies in America,
and I returned home here to Christchurch
to start my doctoral research.
I'd just begun that study
when the Christchurch earthquakes hit.
So I put my research on hold,
and I started working with my home community
to help them through that terrible post-quake period.
I worked with all sorts of organizations
from government departments to building companies,
and all sorts of community groups,
teaching them the ways of thinking and acting
that we know boost resilience.
I thought that was my calling.
My moment to put all of that research to good use.
But sadly, I was wrong.
For my own true test came in 2014
on Queen's Birthday weekend.
We and two other families had decided
to go down to Lake Ohau and bike the outs to ocean.
At the last minute,
my beautiful 12-year-old daughter Abi
decided to hop in the car with her best friend, Ella, also 12,
and Ella's mom, Sally, a dear, dear friend of mine.
On the way down, as they traveled through Rakaia
on Thompsons Track,
a car sped through a stop sign,
crashing into them
and killing all three of them instantly.
In the blink of an eye,
I find myself flung to the other side of the equation,
waking up with a whole new identity.
Instead of being the resilience expert,
suddenly, I'm the grieving mother.
Waking up not knowing who I am,
trying to wrap my head around unthinkable news,
my world smashed to smithereens.
Suddenly, I'm the one on the end of all this expert advice.
And I can tell you,
I didn't like what I heard one little bit.
In the days after Abi died,
we were told we were now prime candidates for family estrangement.
That we were likely to get divorced
and we were at high risk of mental illness.
"Wow," I remember thinking,
"Thanks for that, I though my life was already pretty shit."
(Laughter)
Leaflets described the five stages of grief:
anger, bargaining, denial, depression, acceptance.
Victim support arrived at our door
and told us that we could expect to write off the next five years to grief.
I know the leaflets and the resources meant well.
But in all of that advice,
they left us feeling like victims.
Totally overwhelmed by the journey ahead,
and powerless to exert any influence over our grieving whatsoever.
I didn't need to be told how bad things were.
Believe me, I already knew things were truly terrible.
What I needed most was hope.
I needed a journey through all that anguish,
pain and longing.
Most of all,
I wanted to be an active participant in my grief process.
So I decided to turn my back on their advice
and decided instead to conduct something of a self-experiment.
I'd done the research, I had the tools,
I wanted to know how useful they would be to me now
in the face of such an enormous mountain to climb.
Now, I have to confess at this point,
I didn't really know that any of this was going to work.
Parental bereavement is widely acknowledged
as the hardest of losses to bear.
But I can tell you now, five years on,
what I already knew from the research.
That you can rise up from adversity,
that there are strategies that work,
that it is utterly possible
to make yourself think and act in certain ways
that help you navigate tough times.
There is a monumental body of research on how to do this stuff.
Today, I'm just going to share with you three strategies.
These are my go-to strategies that I relied upon
and saved me in my darkest days.
They're three strategies that underpin all of my work,
and they're pretty readily available to us all,
anyone can learn them,
you can learn them right here today.
So number one,
resilient people get that shit happens.
They know that suffering is part of life.
This doesn't mean they actually welcome it in,
they're not actually delusional.
Just that when the tough times come,
they seem to know
that suffering is part of every human existence.
And knowing this stops you from feeling discriminated against
when the tough times come.
Never once did I find myself thinking,
"Why me?"
In fact, I remember thinking,
"Why not me?
Terrible things happen to you,
just like they do everybody else.
That's your life now,
time to sink or swim."
The real tragedy
is that not enough of us seem to know this any longer.
We seem to live in an age
where we're entitled to a perfect life,
where shiny, happy photos on Instagram are the norm,
when actually,
as you all demonstrated at the start of my talk,
the very opposite is true.
Number two,
resilient people
are really good at choosing carefully where they select their attention.
They have a habit of realistically appraising situations,
and typically, managing to focus on the things that they can change,
and somehow accept the things that they can't.
This is a vital, learnable skill for resilience.
As humans, we are really good
at noticing threats and weaknesses.
We are hardwired for that negative.
We're really, really good at noticing them.
Negative emotions stick to us like Velcro,
whereas positive emotions and experiences seems to bounce off like Teflon.
Being wired in this way is actually really good for us,
and served us well from an evolutionary perspective.
So imagine for a moment I'm a cavewoman,
and I'm coming out of my cave in the morning,
and there's a saber-toothed tiger on one side
and a beautiful rainbow on the other.
It kind of pays for my survival for me to notice this tiger.
The problem is,
we now live in an era where we are constantly bombarded
by threats all day long,
and our poor brains treat every single one of those threats
as though they were a tiger.
Our threat focus, our stress response,
is permanently dialed up.
Resilient people don't diminish the negative,
but they also have worked out a way
of tuning into the good.
One day, when doubts were threatening to overwhelm me,
I distinctly remember thinking,
"No, you do not get to get swallowed up by this.
You have to survive.
You've got so much to live for.
Choose life, not death.
Don't lose what you have
to what you have lost."
In psychology, we call this benefit finding.
In my brave new world,
it involved trying to find things to be grateful for.
At least our wee girl
hadn't died of some terrible, long, drawn-out illness.
She died suddenly, instantly,
sparing us and her that pain.
We had a huge amount of social support from family and friends
to help us through.
And most of all,
we still had two beautiful boys to live for,
who needed us now,
and deserved to have as normal a life as we could possibly give them.
Being able to switch the focus of your attention
to also include the good
has been shown by science to be a really powerful strategy.
So in 2005, Martin Seligman and colleagues conducted an experiment.
And they asked people, all they asked people to do,
was think of three good things that had happened to them each day.
What they found, over the six months course of this study,
was that those people showed higher levels of gratitude,
higher levels of happiness
and less depression over the course of the six-month study.
When you're going through grief,
you might need a reminder,
or you might need permission to feel grateful.
In our kitchen, we've got a bright pink neon poster
that reminds us to "accept" the good.
In the American army,
they framed it a little bit differently.
They talked to the army about hunting the good stuff.
Find the language that works for you,
but whatever you do,
make an intentional, deliberate, ongoing effort
to tune into what's good in your world.
Number three,
resilient people ask themselves,
"Is what I'm doing helping or harming me?"
This is a question that's used a lot in good therapy.
And boy, is it powerful.
This was my go-to question
in the days after the girls died.
I would ask it again and again.
"Should I go to the trial and see the driver?
Would that help me or would it harm me?"
Well, that was a no-brainer for me,
I chose to stay away.
But Trevor, my husband, decided to meet with the driver
at a later time.
Late at night, I'd find myself sometimes poring over old photos of Abi,
getting more and more upset.
I'd ask myself,
"Really? Is this helping you or is it harming you?
Put away the photos,
go to bed for the night,
be kind to yourself."
This question can be applied to so many different contexts.
Is the way I'm thinking and acting helping or harming you,
in your bid to get that promotion,
to pass that exam,
to recover from a heart attack?
So many different ways.
I write a lot about resilience,
and over the years, this one strategy
has prompted more positive feedback than any other.
I get scores of letters and emails and things
from all over the place of people saying
what a huge impact it's had on their lives.
Whether it is forgiving family ancient transgressions, arguments
from Christmases past,
or whether it is just trolling through social media,
whether it is asking yourself
whether you really need that extra glass of wine.
Asking yourself whether what you're doing, the way you're thinking,
the way you're acting
is helping or harming you,
puts you back in the driver's seat.
It gives you some control over your decision-making.
Three strategies.
Pretty simple.
They're readily available to us all,
anytime, anywhere.
They don't require rocket science.
Resilience isn't some fixed trait.
It's not elusive,
that some people have and some people don't.
It actually requires very ordinary processes.
Just the willingness to give them a go.
I think we all have moments in life
where our life path splits
and the journey we thought we were going down
veers off to some terrible direction
that we never anticipated,
and we certainly didn't want.
It happened to me.
It was awful beyond imagining.
If you ever find yourselves in a situation where you think
"There's no way I'm coming back from this,"
I urge you to lean into these strategies
and think again.
I won't pretend
that thinking this way is easy.
And it doesn't remove all the pain.
But if I've learned anything over the last five years,
it is that thinking this way really does help.
More than anything,
it has shown me that it is possible
to live and grieve at the same time.
And for that, I would be always grateful.
Thank you.
(Applause)
Ver Más Videos Relacionados
Dulces Son Los Frutos de la Adversidad | Karla Souza | TEDxCalzadaDeLosHéroes
Every Good Artist is Delusional and Why you Should Be too
El pájaro que se quejó con DIOS | Maravillosa reflexión
LA VIEJECITA QUE NO PODÍA PAGAR UNA DEUDA
HOW I GOT RID OF (Obsessive Anxious Thinking & Painful Rumination)
T.N.F (musica para reales) - MALDITO 3AM FT @kiwidbeats
5.0 / 5 (0 votes)