Free will is a skill | John Bruna | TEDxCSULB

Summary

In this emotional and transformative talk, Peter van de Ven shares his personal journey of overcoming addiction and learning the true meaning of free will. He reflects on two pivotal moments: losing his daughter due to his harmful behaviors and later reuniting with her after years of recovery. Through mindfulness, clarifying values, and practicing conscious decision-making, he emphasizes how free will is a skill that can be developed to lead a life aligned with one’s values. His message is about self-reflection, change, and becoming the person you truly want to be.

Takeaways

• 🔑 Free will is a skill, not a given; it requires practice and conscious effort to develop.
• 😔 The speaker lost his daughter due to addiction and harmful behaviors, which led to a turning point in his life.
• 🌱 True change requires presence and mindfulness; people are often unaware of their actions 47% of the time.
• 🧠 Meditation and consistent mindfulness can help individuals train their minds and increase their awareness.
• ❓ Clarifying values and asking meaningful questions about how to live helps guide actions and decisions.
• 💪 Change is difficult but achievable through consistent practice, just like developing any other skill.
• 🙌 Helping others and doing things you feel good about are more fulfilling than doing things that only feel good in the moment.
• 🛤 Neural pathways can be rewired through intentional and repeated positive habits and thoughts.
• ❤️ The speaker reconnected with his daughter after years of personal transformation, emphasizing the value of becoming a 'person worth finding.'
• 🧘 Developing free will, clarifying values, and practicing mindfulness can help open the right doors in life and lead to a more fulfilling existence.

Q & A

What is the key lesson the speaker learned from losing his daughter?

The speaker learned that free will is a skill that must be developed. His addiction and harmful behaviors led to losing his daughter, but he came to realize that becoming the person he wanted to be required deliberate choices and practice, not just good intentions.

What does the speaker mean by 'free will is a skill'?

The speaker explains that free will is not automatic; it's a skill that requires practice. People often assume they have control over their choices, but true free will means being able to consciously make decisions aligned with one's values, which often requires training and mindfulness.

How did the speaker describe the moment he lost his daughter?

The speaker vividly recalls coming home drunk, only to see his daughter in her grandmother’s arms, ready to leave. He was confronted with the shame and realization that his addiction had cost him his role as a father.

What strategies does the speaker recommend for developing free will?

The speaker suggests three key strategies: 1) Training attention through mindfulness and meditation, 2) Clarifying one’s values by reflecting on the kind of person they want to be, and 3) Practicing these skills regularly to reinforce positive behaviors and habits.

Why does the speaker believe free will is often misunderstood?

The speaker believes free will is misunderstood because it is commonly assumed that people can simply make choices, but in reality, people often act out of habit or unconscious impulses. True free will requires self-awareness and intentional practice.

What role did recovery play in the speaker’s life?

Recovery played a transformative role in the speaker’s life, helping him overcome addiction, develop self-discipline, and become a better person. It was through recovery that he learned to be helpful, live according to his values, and ultimately reunite with his daughter.

How did the speaker’s perspective on life change after joining recovery?

In recovery, the speaker shifted from constantly asking, 'What can I do to feel good?' to asking, 'How can I help?' This change in mindset led him to discover his true value and purpose in helping others and making meaningful contributions.

What is the significance of the second door the speaker describes?

The second door symbolizes a moment of redemption and reunion with his daughter. After years of personal growth and recovery, the speaker was finally able to reconnect with his daughter, who embraced him as a father worth finding.

What is the main takeaway the speaker offers to the audience?

The main takeaway is that people can develop free will through intentional practice, attention, and aligning their actions with their values. By doing so, they can become the person they aspire to be and live a more meaningful life.

How does the speaker relate the concept of mindfulness to free will?

The speaker emphasizes that mindfulness is essential for developing free will because it helps individuals stay present and consciously make decisions. Without mindfulness, people are often unaware of their actions and fall into habitual behaviors.

Outlines

00:00

💔 The Night I Lost My Daughter

Peter van de Ven reflects on the painful night he lost his daughter due to his addiction and destructive behavior. He vividly recounts coming home drunk to find his daughter in her grandmother's arms, facing the shame of his actions. This event illustrates the significant impact of our choices and how difficult it can be to live in accordance with our desire to be good people, especially when addiction and destructive habits take control.

05:03

🧠 The Concept of Free Will

Peter introduces the idea that free will is not something we inherently possess but a skill that needs to be developed. He questions why, despite our best intentions, we often fail to make the right choices and improve our lives. Drawing attention to the challenge of changing ingrained habits, he points out that many of our actions are unconscious and habitual, suggesting that free will is often mistaken for an ability we have yet to fully cultivate.

10:06

🧘 The Importance of Mindfulness

Peter emphasizes that to exercise free will, one must be present and mindful. He humorously points out how often we lose track of our thoughts and actions in daily life, like forgetting car keys or why we entered a room. He stresses that by developing mindfulness through practices like meditation, we can train our minds to focus, thus making conscious choices that align with our values instead of falling victim to habitual behaviors.

15:08

🎯 Clarifying Values and Practicing Free Will

Peter encourages listeners to reflect daily on their values, especially before the day gets consumed by routine. He explains that understanding what truly matters allows us to make decisions that align with those values. Moreover, free will requires practice, much like any skill, and the more we consciously choose actions that align with our values, the stronger these habits become. Drawing on neuroscience, he highlights that creating new neural pathways takes consistent effort and intention.

🚪 A Second Chance: Rebuilding a Life

Peter recounts his moment of clarity on August 21, 1984, when he chose a path of recovery from addiction. He shares the lessons he learned during recovery, especially the shift from self-centered thinking to asking, 'How can I be helpful?' This new perspective led to his personal transformation. He eventually reconnected with his daughter, now eight and a half years old, marking one of the most joyous moments of his life. His story underscores the idea that we can rebuild our lives and relationships if we commit to being the best version of ourselves.

🌅 The Gift of Transformation and Free Will

Peter concludes with a message of hope, reflecting on how his life transformed from one of addiction and homelessness to a fulfilling journey of recovery, self-discovery, and helping others. He shares his experiences as a counselor, teacher, and even a Buddhist monk, emphasizing that anyone can change their life by embracing free will and consistently making choices aligned with their values. He urges listeners to take time each day to reflect on who they want to be and to take actions that bring them closer to that vision.

Keywords

💡Free Will

Free will in this video is described as a skill that allows individuals to consciously make choices that align with their values and the person they want to become. It’s not just an inherent trait, but something that needs to be developed and practiced. The speaker contrasts free will with habitual or unconscious behavior, suggesting that much of our life is driven by automatic actions unless we actively cultivate the ability to choose differently.

💡Presence

Presence refers to being consciously aware in the moment, fully engaging with what is happening around you. The speaker emphasizes that free will can only be exercised if we are present in our lives. He gives examples of how often people are unaware of their own actions, such as forgetting where they put their keys, which symbolizes how frequently we operate on autopilot.

💡Mindfulness

Mindfulness is the practice of being intentionally aware and focused on the present moment. In the video, mindfulness is suggested as a key tool to help develop free will, allowing individuals to break free from automatic behaviors and make conscious choices. The speaker advocates for daily meditation as a way to train the mind to be more attentive and less distracted by thoughts, worries, or fears.

💡Values

Values are the guiding principles that define what a meaningful life looks like for each individual. The speaker stresses the importance of clarifying one’s values in order to align actions with the person they wish to be. Without knowing your values, it’s easy to drift through life on autopilot, making decisions that don’t reflect who you truly want to be.

💡Addiction

Addiction, particularly to alcohol and drugs, plays a significant role in the speaker’s life story. It symbolizes the destructive behaviors that can derail someone from living in alignment with their values. The speaker discusses how his addiction led to the loss of his daughter, but also how recovery from addiction helped him regain control over his life and start making choices that reflected his deeper values.

💡Recovery

Recovery refers to the process of overcoming addiction and rebuilding a life that reflects healthier choices and personal values. The speaker highlights August 21, 1984, as the day he began his road to recovery, which ultimately helped him transform his life. Through recovery, he learned valuable lessons about free will, helpfulness, and personal growth.

💡Clarity

Clarity, particularly ‘moments of clarity,’ is described as the insight gained through personal pain or emotional suffering that allows individuals to see the need for change in their lives. The speaker refers to his moment of clarity, which occurred after realizing the impact of his addiction on his family, as the turning point that set him on a path of recovery and transformation.

💡Habit

A habit is a behavior that becomes automatic through repetition. The speaker contrasts well-ingrained habits with the exercise of free will, suggesting that habits often prevent us from making conscious, healthy choices. He uses the metaphor of a marble stuck in a well-worn groove to illustrate how difficult it can be to break free from habitual behaviors and establish new, healthier routines.

💡Transformation

Transformation is the overarching theme of the speaker’s life story, as he describes his journey from a shame-based, addicted individual to someone who has reclaimed his life through recovery, mindfulness, and aligning with his values. The process of transformation is linked to the development of free will, practicing new habits, and becoming the person he wants to be.

💡Helpfulness

Helpfulness is introduced as a new guiding question in the speaker’s life. Instead of constantly seeking to ‘feel good,’ he learned to ask, ‘How can I help?’ This shift in focus helped him discover his value as a person and improve his relationships. By doing things that make him feel good about himself, rather than just seeking immediate gratification, he found a deeper sense of purpose and fulfillment.

Highlights

The speaker emphasizes that the doors that open and close in our lives are not as important as the person we are when we open them.

The speaker shares a deeply personal story about losing custody of his daughter due to his addiction, highlighting the emotional impact of addiction on family.

He reflects on how he always wanted to be a good person but was unable to fulfill this desire due to his lack of control and addiction, illustrating the challenge of free will.

The speaker introduces the idea that free will is a skill that must be developed, not something we inherently have, making it a central theme of the talk.

He challenges the audience to consider how much free will they really have by asking if they’ve ever tried to change an ingrained habit.

The speaker explores how mindfulness and attention are critical for developing free will, citing research that people are not aware of what they’re doing 47% of the time.

He discusses how unconscious habits often prevent people from making conscious, healthy decisions in their lives, further emphasizing the need for mindfulness.

He provides three actionable steps for developing free will: attention, clarifying values, and consistent practice.

The speaker highlights the importance of taking time each day to reflect on personal values and how one wants to participate in life, encouraging intentional living.

He shares a turning point in his life when he entered recovery and began living without drugs or alcohol, illustrating the possibility of transformation.

The speaker conveys the power of shifting from self-centered thoughts like 'How can I feel good?' to service-oriented questions like 'How can I be helpful?'

He recounts how asking 'How can I be helpful?' led him to discover his self-worth and begin to live a life of service and recovery.

The speaker shares an emotional story about reuniting with his daughter after years of separation, underscoring the power of personal growth and change.

He concludes by urging the audience to take time each day to reflect on their values, meditate, and practice free will, stressing that these actions can transform their lives.

The final message is a reminder that the only thing separating the person you are from the person you want to be are the actions you take.

Transcripts

Reviewer: Peter van de Ven

It is said that for every door that closes in our lives,

another one opens.

While many have found great relief in this wisdom,

I have found that the doors that open and close in our lives

are not nearly as important

as the person that we are when we open them.

There are two doors that opened in my life,

quite literally, that illustrate this point.

The first was on the night that I lost my daughter.

She was only ten months old at the time.

I did not lose my daughter due to some great misfortune.

I lost my daughter because I was not a worthy parent.

My addiction to alcohol and other drugs, as well as my harmful behaviors,

forced her mother to take her away from me.

I remember well, the night that I lost my daughter.

Her grandmother was coming to town to take them away.

And I, true to form, instead of being there to deal with it,

well, I went off with my friends

to drown my sorrows and my shame in alcohol.

I came home very late that night.

I staggered up to the door, drunk.

My shirt was ripped open from a fight I'd been in.

In my hands, the remains of a six-pack, dangling there.

I was prepared to open a door to a home that was now as empty as my heart.

But when I opened that door,

instead, I saw my little girl in the arms of her grandmother.

And as they looked up at me,

there was nowhere to hide my shame.

I could see clearly the reason they needed to leave.

Right here.

Now, my whole life, as long as I can remember,

I always wanted to be a good person.

In fact, I don't think I've ever met anyone that, deep down in their heart,

did not also want to be a good person.

So, how does this happen?

If we have free will, if we want to be good people,

how can we do so many things that we regret?

How can we let down the ones we love so much?

Well, it turns out that free will,

free will is not a given,

free will is a skill, a skill that we need to develop.

This has been one of the most valuable lessons in my life,

and unfortunately, it's a lesson that's rarely taught.

It's rarely taught because it's assumed we have free will,

that we can simply just make choices and be the person we want to be.

But is that true?

How much free will do you really have?

Have you ever tried to change a well-ingrained habit?

We've all been inspired in our lives and wanted to make great changes.

We were determined to do it, right?

Maybe we read an inspirational book, attended a workshop,

possibly a TED Talk.

(Laughter)

It all made so much sense,

and we were ready to implement these new changes into our lives.

Well, how did that turn out?

If you're like most of us,

before long, you found yourself back in your old routine,

like a marble in this well-worn groove.

Everyone here, all of us,

all of us can make a list of five things that you can do to improve your life.

It's not hard,

and it wouldn't even take long.

The question is, can you do what's on the list?

And if not, why not?

What is it that prevents us from doing things

that we absolutely know would improve our lives?

We can have the best of intentions, only to find ourselves seemingly powerless

over habits that have now imprisoned us.

And unfortunately, this all too often leads to a misperception:

that we cannot change.

In fact, there are those that say free will is nothing but an illusion.

On the other side of the spectrum

there are those that say free will is the reason we suffer,

that we're free to make poor choices.

It's my firm conviction that we suffer much more because of a lack of free will,

an inability to make good choices.

So let me explain what I mean when I say free will.

Free will being that I can clearly make decisions

that support the person that I want to be, the values that I want to embody,

the life that I want to live.

Free will means I can make these choices,

and I can act upon them.

So let's explore this for a moment.

If we're going to make clear, healthy choices in our lives,

to have free will, first we need to be present to be there, right?

I mean, how are you going to make a healthy choice if you're not there?

So, how often are you consciously present in your own life?

Do any of these statements sound familiar?

"Uh, my car keys ... Have you seen them?"

"That piece of paper, um, you know, I had it a minute ago."

One of my personal favorites:

"Uh, what were we talking about?"

(Laughter)

Have you ever walked through a door into a room

and did not know what you were there to get?

Yeah, I think we can relate to this, right?

It turns out that we think, "Hey, I forgot where my car keys are."

But did you?

Or were you even there when you set them down?

When we set our car keys down, our mind was somewhere else.

When I was in a conversation with somebody else,

my mind had wandered off;

I wasn't even there, in a conversation.

There's a lot of research, now,

on the studies of mindfulness and mindlessness.

And it turns out that here in the United States, on average,

people are not aware of what they're doing

about half the time.

About half the time.

OK, alright, 47%.

I don't want to be exaggerating, okay?

47% of the time, not aware of what we're doing, when we're awake.

So, if we're not aware of what we're doing 47% of the time that we're awake,

how are we making healthy choices during that time?

Most of the time, the choices that we're making

are being made unconsciously and out of habit.

We're not present to make many of them,

and when we are present,

we're not really thinking them through all of the time.

So, we can change this.

We can become more present in our lives.

We can develop more free will.

And while I don't have time for a whole mindfulness course here,

I would like to offer you three things

that can really empower you to develop the skill of free will in your own life.

Number one: attention.

This is the key that unlocks the door.

We can train our mind to be more attentive to what we're doing.

We do not need to be a prisoner

of every single worry, thought, and fear that arises in our mind.

People have been doing this for thousands of years, with meditation.

With a consistent, daily meditation practice,

something that just really helps you concentrate,

something like just paying attention to the breath.

If you were to do that consistently, with a solid meditation practice,

you could actually train your mind to attend to what you choose to,

instead of having it drag you away with worry, fear, and concern.

This is the key that unlocks the door,

training the mind to be a participant in your own life.

Clarify your values.

The biggest obstacle preventing us from being the person we want to be,

living the life that we want to have,

is not our circumstances,

it's that we haven't even asked ourselves the question.

We don't even know what that looks like.

When was the last time you asked yourself what your deepest values were,

what a meaningful life looks like to you?

Typically, we wake up in the morning and before long,

our mind is on the to-do list,

we're caught up in our day,

we're already on auto-pilot.

Imagine what it would be like if every day,

before you got caught up in the to-do list,

you took a little time to reflect on the fact that you're about to embark

upon a day that will never come again in your life.

This day will never come again.

And then, ask yourself:

how you would like to participate in a day that will never come again?

What are your values?

What are the values you want to guide

the life you're about to embark upon today?

How would your life be different if you took a little time each day

to ask yourself how you would like to participate in this day?

Three: practice.

Free will is a skill, and like any other skill,

it requires practice, and if we don't use it, we will lose it.

To quote Henry David Thoreau:

"A single footprint does not leave a path upon the earth."

Likewise, a single thought does not leave a path upon your mind.

To make a deep physical path, we must walk again and again.

To make a deep mental path,

we must think again and again the thoughts that we would like to dominate our lives.

And to put it another way, using neuroscience,

neurons that fire together wire together.

We create neural pathways in our brain by the things that we do consistently

and the thoughts we entertain consistently.

We create these neural pathways.

This usually happens unconsciously.

We can do it consciously.

We can actually rewire ourselves.

We can create new neural pathways in our own brains

that support the person we want to be, the habits that will be productive,`

that are in alignment with our values.

But it takes practice, and it takes conscious practice,

and if we don't do it consciously, what happens?

It happens unconsciously.

You can embrace the habits

and create new ones that support the values

that you want to embody in your life,

if you bring them to mind.

Now, I mentioned two doors in my life.

On to the second one.

Fortunately, I did have a moment of clarity in my life,

a moment of clarity born of pain and emotional suffering -

that's how we get lots of our moments of clarity, right?

I knew that if I wanted to live, I needed to live differently.

So, on August 21st, 1984,

I did not pick up any alcohol,

I did not pick up any drugs,

and I began a road of recovery.

That was 32 years ago.

(Applause)

Thank you.

(Applause)

In the rooms of recovery, they taught me these valuable lessons.

They taught me another one I'd like to share

because I think it may resonate with most of us.

My life was one in which I constantly asked the question,

"What can I do to make me feel good,

what can I do to be okay?"

Well, they said,

here's another question to start asking:

"How can I help?"

"How can I be helpful?"

And, by asking this question, my life started to change,

and I would ultimately discover my value as a human being.

It turns out

that we discover our worthiness and value by doing worthy and valuable things,

not just things that make you feel good.

Your genuine happiness does not come from doing things that make you feel good;

it comes from doing things you feel good about.

From doing things you feel good about.

So, these people taught me that I could be okay,

and they taught me to be more helpful.

And, I started to discover some value, and as I did, and as I got better,

I did turn my thoughts to my daughter again,

and I'd missed her.

I would lament about this.

Okay, I would whine incessantly on occasion.

(Laughter)

And as I was whining one day to a wise elder,

he looked at me and said,

"You know, no one knows if your daughter will ever be put back in your life.

That's not the way it works.

But if she's ever put back in your life, you can be someone worth finding."

That struck me very deeply.

So I thought about what a father worth finding would be like,

and I did my best each day to ask these questions about being helpful,

and trust me, I made a lot of mistakes along the way.

I felt like a Neanderthal learning how to be human.

In the process, someone like me,

someone like me, an insecure, shame-based young man,

someone who had lived in a homeless camp, underneath a bridge,

was able to find recovery and transform his life,

develop some free will.

In the process, I wound up having careers as a counselor.

I was a corporate manager, I got to play golf.

(Laughter)

Not well, but I got to play golf.

I had the incredible opportunity to become a school teacher,

right here in Long Beach at Jordan High School.

(Applause) (Cheers)

I even became a Buddhist monk.

Didn't see that coming.

(Applause) (Laughter)

And, eventually, though it wasn't guaranteed,

the call came one day,

a call that would lead me back to my daughter.

She was 550 miles away, and I got in the car

and I was in it, and I was on it,

and I was going there.

I had a little cassette recorder to talk to

because I had fears, worries, concerns,

and I was just talking the whole way, 550 miles.

Thank God it was just the tape recorder.

I pulled up in the driveway. I'll never forget this day.

I was trembling. I was scared.

I didn't know: is she going to want to hug me or not hug me?

Well, I opened that door, and on the other end of the door,

there was my daughter, eight and a half years old now,

in her best dress, ready to meet her father,

finally a father worth finding.

She just hugged me, and she wouldn't let go.

It was the best day of my life, by far.

I've gotten to raise her since then.

It turns out she had a younger sister who became my other daughter.

So I got two for the price of one!

(Laughter)

I even have two granddaughters now. They are here today.

It's an incredible gift.

(Applause)

So I invite you.

I invite you to develop this skill of free will.

Do not give up the opportunity to be the person you want to be

as you open the doors of your life.

Take a little time each day -

you are worth it -

to ask yourself who you want to be today.

Clarify those values.

And, come on, meditate a little bit.

It doesn't, it doesn't hurt!

The only thing that separates the person you are from the person you want to be

are the actions you take.

Thank you so much.

(Applause)