Escaping Porn Addiction | Eli Nash | TEDxFortWayne

Summary

Ellie Nash's TEDx talk candidly addresses the stigma surrounding porn addiction. He shares his personal journey from childhood trauma to adult struggles, highlighting the shame associated with this addiction. Nash emphasizes the power of storytelling in combating shame and the healing that comes from sharing one's hardships. His narrative illustrates the transformative potential of open dialogue and community support in overcoming addiction and the psychological burdens it carries.

Takeaways

• 😔 The speaker, Ellie Nash, openly shares his struggle with porn addiction, aiming to destigmatize the issue and promote healing through open discussion.
• 😳 He reveals his 'number-one goal' to his employees, which was to never watch porn again, demonstrating the personal nature of his commitment to change.
• 🤔 Ellie discusses the societal shame associated with porn addiction, highlighting its invisibility compared to other addictions like alcohol or gambling.
• 😢 He reflects on the impact of shame on psychological health, suggesting it is a significant barrier to addressing and overcoming addiction.
• 👶 Ellie's story begins with a childhood marred by fear and sexual abuse, which he suggests may have contributed to his later struggles with porn.
• 🏠 He associates feelings of safety with his grandmother's home, indicating the importance of a safe and nurturing environment in early life.
• 🔍 Ellie describes his initial encounter with porn through mail-order catalogues, which provided a temporary sense of peace but also led to feelings of guilt and shame.
• 🏥 A health scare involving a corneal ulcer leads Ellie to make a commitment to stop watching porn, showing that sometimes a personal crisis can be a catalyst for change.
• 🤝 He emphasizes the power of sharing personal stories in changing societal perceptions and reducing stigma, citing examples like Ryan White and child sexual abuse survivors.
• 👫 Ellie's journey towards recovery involves connecting with others who have similar struggles, illustrating the importance of community and support in overcoming addiction.
• 🎤 The speaker's decision to share his story publicly, including on a TEDx stage, underscores the transformative power of openness and vulnerability in personal growth and advocacy.

Q & A

What was Ellie's number-one goal when asked by his employees about his 10-year goal?

Ellie's number-one goal was to never watch porn again.

How did Ellie's colleagues react to his admission about his goal of not watching porn?

Ellie's colleagues were shocked, with one mumbling in disbelief and the other's expression shifting from shock to judgement and disgust.

Why does Ellie believe that shame is a significant factor in addiction?

Ellie believes that shame and addiction are inseparable, and according to some psychologists, shame is the single biggest cause of most psychological problems.

How does Ellie describe the societal response to different addictions, particularly sex and porn addiction?

Ellie notes that while people openly discuss other addictions like alcohol or gambling, there is a significant stigma and shame associated with sex and porn addiction, making it less likely for individuals to publicly acknowledge their struggle with it.

What role do personal stories play in changing societal perceptions and stigmas, according to Ellie?

Ellie believes that personal stories humanize those with the issue, allowing for a change in societal conversations and stigmas, as exemplified by the story of Ryan White and the subsequent change in perceptions about HIV.

What was the pivotal moment in Ellie's life that led to his commitment to stop watching porn?

The pivotal moment was when Ellie developed a corneal ulcer and believed that his excessive porn watching was the cause. He made a deal with a higher power to stop watching porn if his eye healed.

How did Ellie's relationship with his wife-to-be initially affect his struggle with porn addiction?

In the beginning of their relationship, Ellie felt a sense of safety and peace similar to what he felt at his grandmother's home, which led to him not watching or even thinking about porn for a couple of months.

What was the turning point that led Ellie to finally seek help for his porn addiction?

The turning point was a disagreement with his girlfriend, which led to Ellie feeling uncomfortable and reverting to watching porn. The shame he felt this time was greater due to the risk of jeopardizing his relationship, prompting him to confess to his therapist.

How did Ellie's involvement with a support group help him in his journey to overcome porn addiction?

The support group allowed Ellie to share his story and connect with others who were struggling with the same addiction. This connection helped shift the shame and provided insights into the reasons behind his use of porn.

What was the significance of Ellie sharing his story on a larger platform, such as TEDx?

Sharing his story on a larger platform was significant because it not only helped Ellie personally by turning his shame into a tool for healing but also had the potential to help others by spreading awareness and understanding about porn addiction.

What message does Ellie hope to convey to the audience with his story?

Ellie hopes to convey that sharing one's hardships can move individuals through shame and into healing, and that everyone has a powerful story to share that can help others overcome their struggles.

Outlines

00:00

😔 Overcoming Shame: The Struggle with Porn Addiction

Ellie Nash begins by sharing a personal story of confronting the shame associated with porn addiction. In a meeting with employees, he reveals his top 10-year goal to abstain from watching porn, which shocks and judges his colleagues. He discusses the societal stigma around porn addiction and the lack of public acknowledgment compared to other addictions. Ellie emphasizes the role of shame in psychological problems and how sharing personal stories can humanize and reduce stigma, citing examples like Ryan White and the change in perception around HIV.

05:01

😢 Childhood Trauma and the Descent into Addiction

Ellie recounts his childhood, growing up in a large family in Brooklyn, New York, and the sense of fear and unease that pervaded his early years. He found solace in his grandmother's home, a place of safety that was later lost as she fell ill. The narrative shifts to a painful memory of sexual abuse by an older boy, which shattered his sense of security. Ellie then describes how he found temporary peace in viewing mail-order catalogs, which led to an obsession with images of women and a cycle of shame and self-loathing associated with pornography.

10:03

😖 The Cycle of Shame and Failed Commitments

Ellie shares his struggle with the commitment to stop watching porn, which was repeatedly broken, even after a health scare with a corneal ulcer that he initially attributed to excessive porn viewing. Despite the fear and the commitment made to various deities for recovery, his addiction persisted. He highlights the difficulty of discussing this issue, even with a therapist, due to the overwhelming sense of shame. It wasn't until a significant relationship was at risk that Ellie finally revealed his secret and sought help, leading to a lunch meeting with another porn addict who provided a sense of understanding and relief from shame.

15:04

😇 Healing Through Connection and Sharing Stories

Ellie discusses the transformative power of connection and sharing stories in overcoming shame associated with porn addiction. He describes meeting with a successful professional who also struggled with the same addiction, leading to a profound conversation that shifted the shame. This experience introduced him to a support group where he began to understand the reasons behind his addiction and to appreciate the community's openness. Ellie's narrative culminates in his decision to share his story publicly, first in small settings and eventually on a larger platform, with the hope of turning shame into a tool for healing for himself and others.

🙌 Embracing the Journey Toward Healing and Acceptance

In the final paragraph, Ellie reflects on his journey and the importance of asking for help. He recounts an opportunity to share his story at a company storytelling event, which he initially passed on due to resistance from the facilitator. However, this experience galvanized Ellie's resolve to share his story on an even larger stage, such as TEDx, to challenge the stigma and shame associated with porn addiction. He concludes by expressing gratitude for the opportunity to share his story with an accepting audience, viewing it as a crucial step toward achieving his goal of abstaining from porn and encouraging others to share their stories as well.

Keywords

💡Pornography

Pornography refers to the portrayal of sexual subject matter for the purpose of sexual arousal. In the video, it is a central theme as the speaker discusses his personal struggle with porn addiction and the associated feelings of shame and the journey towards healing.

💡Shame

Shame is a painful feeling of humiliation or distress caused by the consciousness of wrongs or offensive acts. The video emphasizes the role of shame in addiction, particularly in the context of porn addiction, and how overcoming it through sharing personal stories can lead to healing.

💡Addiction

Addiction is a compulsive engagement in rewarding stimuli, despite adverse consequences. The speaker identifies himself as a porn addict, and the video discusses the challenges of overcoming addiction and the importance of recognizing it as a widespread issue.

💡Healing

Healing refers to the process of becoming sound or healthy again. The video's narrative is about the speaker's journey from addiction and shame to a path of healing, facilitated by sharing his story and connecting with others who have similar experiences.

💡Stigma

Stigma is a mark of disgrace associated with a person, quality, or circumstance. The script discusses how certain issues like domestic violence, HIV, and child sex abuse have overcome stigma, and the speaker advocates for a similar shift in perception regarding porn addiction.

💡Humanize

To humanize means to attribute human characteristics or emotions to someone or something. The video suggests that sharing personal stories can humanize those who struggle with addiction, reducing stigma and fostering empathy.

💡Ryan White

Ryan White was a teenager who contracted HIV from a blood transfusion and became a symbol for HIV awareness. His story is mentioned in the video as an example of how personal narratives can change public perception and reduce stigma.

💡Therapy

Therapy refers to the treatment of mental health issues, usually by a psychologist or psychiatrist. The speaker discusses his experience in therapy, where he initially hid his addiction but eventually found the courage to share and address it.

💡Support Group

A support group is a gathering of individuals who share common issues or challenges and offer mutual support. In the video, the speaker finds relief and understanding in a support group for porn addicts, which helps him confront his addiction.

💡Storytelling

Storytelling is the act of telling stories, often with imaginative or dramatic elements. The video concludes with the speaker's decision to share his story on a larger platform, such as TEDx, to raise awareness and promote healing.

💡Acceptance

Acceptance is the action of receiving something willingly. The speaker expresses gratitude for the acceptance he receives from sharing his story, which is crucial for overcoming shame and moving towards his goal of sobriety from porn.

Highlights

Ellie Nash openly shares his goal to never watch porn again, revealing the personal struggle with porn addiction.

The initial shock and judgment from colleagues when Ellie discloses his goal highlights the stigma around porn addiction.

Ellie emphasizes the connection between shame and addiction, particularly the societal shame associated with porn and sex addiction.

He points out that unlike other addictions, there is a lack of public acknowledgment of sobriety from porn and sex addiction.

Ellie discusses the broader impact of shame, referencing psychologists who consider it a primary cause of psychological issues.

The narrative shifts to societal progress in reducing shame around topics like domestic violence and HIV, suggesting a path forward for porn addiction.

Personal stories, such as Ryan White's, are highlighted as instrumental in changing public perception and reducing stigma.

Ellie shares his own childhood trauma and how it led to a sense of safety being shattered, setting the stage for his later addiction.

The speaker describes an early experience of finding temporary safety and peace through viewing mail-order catalogues.

Ellie's struggle with the shame and guilt associated with his porn addiction, and his repeated failed attempts to quit.

A health scare with a corneal ulcer leads Ellie to make a desperate promise to quit porn if his sight is saved.

Despite the initial success in quitting, Ellie's addiction resurfaces, illustrating the complexity of overcoming addiction through willpower alone.

The importance of seeking help and community support is underscored through Ellie's experience in therapy and joining a support group.

Ellie's transformational realization that his addiction could be a source of connection and healing rather than shame.

The decision to share his story publicly as a means to combat shame and help others, starting with small steps and building up to larger platforms.

Ellie's TEDx talk represents a significant step in his journey to turn shame into a tool for healing and helping others with similar struggles.

The powerful conclusion where Ellie receives a text from someone who has been inspired by his story to quit porn, demonstrating the impact of sharing personal struggles.

Ellie's final message encourages the audience to share their stories as a means to overcome shame and assist others in their struggles.

Transcripts

sharing our hardships

moves us through shame and into healing

both for our cell

and others about a year ago I'm sitting

in my conference room with a couple of

my employees and one of them asks me

Ellie what's your goal do my goal for

this meeting I asked this is no I'm

talking about your 10-year goal

I looked him straight in the eye and I

said my number-one goal is to never

watch porn again both of them were

shocked I'm sure it wasn't the response

they were expecting the first one kind

of mumbled something like it's porn

really that bad when I turned to look at

the other the other guy his face went

from shock to judgement then to disgust

almost if to say what's wrong with you

what sort of pervert are you how much

porn must you have watched for your

number one goal to be to never watch

porn again why is there so much shame

around porn addiction I mean anyone who

understands addiction understands that

shame and addiction are inseparable but

if we were to stack the different

addictions and rate the one that has the

motion

certainly we put sex addiction and

included in that porn addiction at the

top all of us certainly me I've been at

dinner and a friend would say I'm not

drinking anymore others would say I

don't gamble anymore but I haven't met

one person who publicly acknowledged

that acknowledges effect that they're

sober from porn and/or sex addiction

so now you guys have met someone

fortunately you know the thing about

shame is that shame is much bigger than

addiction according to some

psychologists shame is a single biggest

cause of most of our psychological

problems so it's certainly an issue

that's worth addressing and if there's

an idea that can make a dent in the

amount of shame we feel certainly it's

an idea worth spreading fortunately

there are many subjects that were once

steeped in shame and stigma and today

are much less so domestic violence even

HIV child sex abuse and many others and

what I've seen and I think you'll see if

you look at it is for a conversation to

change it needs people to share their

stories so we're able to humanize people

who once had this issue take Ryan

White's many of you may know Ryan White

was a 14 year old kid living in Kokomo

Indiana who got HIV from a blood

transfusion he completely shattered the

stigma of what we thought someone who

had HIV was 14 year old kid who got it

from a blood transfusion that's not what

we thought the bill that Congress passed

that funds the help awareness around

AIDS is actually called the Ryan White

Care Act

it's those personal stories that really

allow us to change conversations and

change stigma my own life several weeks

ago you know I grew up Jewish and

Orthodox and I know many rabbis until a

few weeks ago I didn't know of one who

publicly aknowledge acknowledged being

sexually abused as a child and several

weeks ago there was an article in a

newspaper in Utah where a rabbi publicly

acknowledged being abused over a 10-year

period by his nanny he credited his own

willingness to step forward to hearing a

leer Iseman the Olympic gymnast who

testified against her abuser in court to

him doing the same several weeks later

the second rabbi I know stepped forward

the rabbi in Utah was invited to speak

on a podcast and his host a rabbi in

Brooklyn became the second rabbi I know

publicly acknowledged being sexually

abused sharing stories changes the

conversation porn kicked my ass but

before I tell you how I met porn let me

bring you back to who I was I was I grew

up one of nine children in a small

community in Brooklyn New York from a

very young age I felt a lot of fear I

felt on edge something was going to go

wrong always the one place I didn't feel

this way in the home of my grandmother

as soon as I stepped through the

threshold of her apartment it just

seemed like the noise stopped I wasn't

worried about something else happening I

was just present and I looked forward to

those times we went to her home

unfortunately over the years she grew

ill and our visits to her home became

less and less frequent as did my feeling

of safety the very next time I remember

feeling safe again was when an older boy

in the community five or six years older

than I was

took a little a lot of interest in me he

took me to baseball games took me to

synagogue he taught me to play computer

games and one day he brought me into his

bedroom locked the door and used my

eight-year-old body to bring himself to

orgasm and in that day again my safety

was shattered the next time I remember

feeling that feeling that familiar or

not so familiar feeling of safety that

feeling that I was once again in my

grandma's home so sitting on my couch

and I heard a clink in the mailbox stuff

were delivered I ran over and I saw a

catalogue with a picture of a

nice-looking woman on it so I flipped

through it and I made my way to the

lingerie section and as soon as I saw

those pictures I just felt this piece

come over me I was present I was

completely there and through this magic

mailbox came all sorts of things it

became somewhat of a somewhat of an

obsession of mine to check the mail one

day Victoria shared her secret with me

right through that mailbox

and then the highlight of my year became

some of you may know this the Sports

Illustrated Swimsuit Edition so much

peace so much safety but despite the

fact that I felt good when I was engaged

in viewing these catalogs

I felt really bad afterwards I felt like

I was doing something wrong and I wanted

to stop and I promised myself that every

year for my birthday every year for my

birthday I promised myself I'm done I'm

done watching porn and every year on my

birthday I broke my promise to myself

and it's not because I wasn't committed

I really really wanted to as a matter of

fact when I was 22 years old I woke up

one morning with an eye and irritated I

was bothering me pretty badly

so I made an appointment at the eye

doctor and I went to Mount Sinai Medical

Center on Miami Beach when I sat down in

the chair and the doctor rolled over his

stool and looked at my eyes through his

machine a look of concern came over his

face he said Ellie you have a corneal

ulcer I've looked at your chart you're

allergic to some antibiotics ulcers are

notoriously resistant to antibiotics

that's not a good thing they can cause

blindness what I'm going to need from

you is to come to my office every single

day for the next 14 days so we can

monitor how your eye how the ulcer is

reacting to the antibiotics his

treatment working I left his office and

sheer terror I was convinced I was

losing my eyesight and I was further

convinced that the reason I was losing

my eyesight was because I was misusing

my eyes I was watching way too much porn

in that moment I made a deal and I made

a commitment with the universe with God

with karma with whoever had this power

that if somehow someway this ulcer would

clear up I would never watch porn again

the second day I returned to the doctor

no improvement when I left his office my

commitment was that much stronger that

much more firm I was never going to

watch porn again

if this ulcer would clear up the third

day I came back to the doctor he looked

at me and he said I got good news

he thought he was sharing one piece of

good news with me but who's really

sharing two he shared with me that the

ulcer was responding to the antibiotics

and I'd be okay

although he did want to see me didn't

want to continue to see me but the

second piece of good news was that I was

done with porn I had a deal it was over

I was never watching porn again I left

his office ecstatic I've never felt so

good my friends I did not last one week

away from porn because it's not about

commitment it's not about willpower it's

not even about consequences I was in a

place where I was too uncomfortable to

even ask anyone for help to even talk to

anyone about this you know if someone

called me today and said hey Ellie I

just went to an eye doctor and I think

I'm losing my sight because I watched

too much porn one of the things I would

do is laugh and tell him that you're not

going blind because of porn if that was

the case you'd have a lot of blind

people I mean the statistics are pretty

staggering there's a website fight the

new drug org an organization which

combats pornography and every year they

published the Year in Review of porn so

what a 20-18 look like 2018 Year in

Review so a hundred million people

logged on every single day to see the

nearly 5 million videos that were

uploaded in 2018 5 million videos that's

one video every 60 seconds or so which

would mean that if I was to start

watching the first one today I would

never have to watch the same one twice

for a hundred and fifteen years and

that's just one website so a lot of

people are watching porn but I wasn't

comfortable talking to anyone so much so

that eventually when I got into therapy

and I spoke to my therapist about

everything my childhood sexual abuse my

relationships or lack thereof my goals

my wishes my desires my work I didn't

talk I need to tell him anything about

porn I didn't tell him anything about me

trying and for

for so many years with it was too much

shame five or six years into therapy

I began dating a girl who would one day

become my wife when I met her she remind

me of my grandmother and there's just a

similar feeling of safety of peace and

for the first couple months I was with

her not only did I not watch porn I

didn't even think about it

it just it felt like the obsession just

evaporated it was gone about three or

four months into our relationship we got

into a disagreement I felt uncomfortable

and I did what I've been doing for years

when I felt discomfort I watched a

little bit of porn but I felt different

this time I felt so much more shame and

I knew that there were a lot more at

stake before it was just about me and I

had reason to stop and I tried to stop

but this was going to jeopardize a

relationship and as and I certainly

didn't tell her about it and as that

secret kind of grew between us and

pushed us further away I saw what I was

risking and I walked back into my

therapists office and I told him the

truth I'd been hiding a secret keeping a

secret from him so watching a lot of

porn I really wanted to stop to my

surprise my therapist suggested I meet

with someone of all people

another porn addict I thought I'd get

some advice from him some suggestions

but no he said the first thing I want

you to do is meet this guy so I went to

lunch I didn't think I want to be clear

I did not think I was a porn addict at

that time I wasn't even sure that I

thought porn could be an addiction I've

since learned better on both fronts but

I went to lunch with this gentleman when

I sat down with him I was surprised to

find someone who was not only very

articulate and very easy to relate to

he's also very accomplished very

professional successfully he ran a

company with a couple hundred people and

as we spoke he shared his story with me

and I found myself sharing more details

than I've ever shared with anyone in my

life and in the process

I felt the shame shifting and if we

understand the science of shame we

understand why that was happening in

that conversation dr. Bernie Brown the

famous researcher shame researcher

explains shame as a fear the fear of not

being worthy of connection so when I'm

sitting at lunch with someone and of all

people I'm connecting over porn

addiction the thing that has brought me

the most shameless a McClay for healing

he introduced me to a support group of

many others who were also struggling

with this addiction and I was surprised

that the people I met in their

successful doctors attorneys people who

had their lives together outside of this

one area not all of them but a lot of

them and I learned a lot about why I was

using porn and I began asking my

questions like my questions more like

why was I using porn right what are the

reasons I'm going there verse like why

can't I get rid of porn right the focus

didn't come on poor the focus moved from

porn to my own stuff and a lot of ways I

felt grateful for my addiction I began

to love it

except I hated one thing I hated that it

was a porn addiction like why couldn't I

get another addiction why of all things

was it this and I kind of wondered you

know what are ways we can change us I

have a mentor and a teacher who says

that if we see a problem but we don't

see the solution we're the problem but

if we see a problem and we see the

solution you got yourself a calling so I

knew the solution the solution was for

everyone in the support group just to

share their stories publicly and if they

did that everyone would know what a porn

addict is and we'd be fine but they

didn't so I said you know what I'll

start doing it and I began sharing in

small ways sometimes one-on-one and like

I did in the conference room with a

couple employees that day someone better

and someone worse

but I was enjoying what I was doing and

I said you know one day I'm going to do

this in a more significant way about six

months ago the opportunity presented

itself

our company every year has a evening of

storytelling seven or eight employees

get up share their stories share their

message

and it really creates a strong family

environment a family culture creates

trust in there and six months ago I

raised my hand and said I would like to

share my story I would like to share

so the facilitator asked me what's your

message what's your topic said my

message is the importance of asking for

help when we're in trouble and my topic

is porn addiction you should have seen

his face do you think you're gonna talk

about porn addiction from that stage I

said yeah absolutely that's my story

it's a Tele you're the CEO of this

company people look up to you people

respect you you are not talking about

porn addiction we went back and forth

and eventually the evening came and I

did not talk about porn addiction the

next morning and over the next few days

I just felt if he may be a little

shameful and I told myself that I'm

going to share this from a much bigger

stage I'm gonna share it from the

biggest stage I know I'm gonna share it

from the TEDx stage not only for the

audience there or the audience here but

also that that my story is on the

Internet that internet that magic

mailbox which kicked my ass for so many

years instead of being a vehicle of

shame like it was for me when I'll be a

vehicle of healing for myself and others

because it truly is that when we share

our hardships it moves us through shame

and into healing both for ourselves and

others

not long ago I received a text message

it read since our conversation I've been

clean for three months I haven't watched

any porn I don't remember the last time

I was clean for a week I thanked him for

sharing this with me because it feels

really good when my story is not only

accepted by someone but they find it

useful it helps them he followed that up

with another text message and he said

I'll never forget who got me started and

I pinch myself when I hear these things

because who got him started was someone

who for so many years was so ashamed of

this part of himself so ashamed of the

porn addiction but one day I got so

desperate that I asked for help and I

was introduced to a community of people

who shared their stories so freely

and willingly with me and in the process

taught me such an important message

probably the most important message of

all my story is not only something not

to be ashamed of it might just be

something to be proud of so I ask you

here consider doing the same talk about

porn addiction consider consider doing

the same there is no one here who has

not experienced shame there's no one who

has not overcome struggle and there's no

one who does not have a powerful story

to share because I can tell you this

from my own experience there's no better

feeling than turning top then turning

shame upside down smashing it upside the

head and using it as a way to help

others my name is Ellie Nash I'm a porn

addict and I want to thank you because

there's no better way I've found than

this sharing my story in front of an

accepting room accepting audience to hit

or to give me the best chance of

achieving my number one goal to never

watch porn again thank you so much

you