How to Bypass An Avoidant Attachment Style's Defenses To Connect More Deeply!

Summary

In this video, Taes explores how to connect with someone exhibiting dismissive avoidant attachment style. Key strategies include mindful communication, avoiding criticism, acknowledging their efforts, and validating their feelings without solving their problems. Taes emphasizes the importance of recognizing dismissive avoidant individuals' fear of vulnerability and the need for a supportive, non-judgmental approach to foster deeper connections.

Takeaways

• 🔒 **Avoidant Attachment Style**: The video discusses strategies for connecting with someone who has an avoidant attachment style, characterized by emotional walls and a tendency to avoid deep connections.
• 🗣️ **Communication as Criticism**: Dismissive avoidants may perceive requests for more time or emotional needs as criticism, reinforcing their fears of inadequacy.
• 💬 **Mindful Communication**: When communicating with a dismissive avoidant, sandwich requests between positive affirmations to reduce the perception of criticism.
• 🤝 **Normalize Needs**: Encourage open dialogue about needs in relationships to normalize the expression of personal requirements.
• 🚫 **Avoid Conflict**: Dismissive avoidants are uncomfortable with conflict and may shut down or go into 'freeze mode' when faced with it.
• 🔗 **Avoid Feeling Trapped**: When discussing commitments or future plans, avoid putting dismissive avoidants in a corner where they feel they must respond immediately.
• 👍 **Acknowledge Efforts**: Positive reinforcement and acknowledgment of efforts can help dismissive avoidants feel valued and capable in relationships.
• 🌟 **Validate Emotions**: When dismissive avoidants open up, validate their feelings without trying to solve their problems, which can make them feel seen and understood.
• 💪 **Strength Over Weakness**: Encourage the idea that opening up and expressing emotions is a sign of strength, not weakness, to counteract their fear of vulnerability.
• 🤝 **Empowerment Over Helplessness**: Support dismissive avoidants by offering empowerment and a sense of support, rather than making them feel helpless or powerless.

Q & A

What is the main topic of the video script?

The main topic of the video script is how to bypass an avoidant attachment style's defense mechanisms to deeply connect with someone.

Who is the speaker in the video script?

The speaker in the video script is Taes, who discusses topics related to the subconscious mind, attachment styles, and building healthy relationships.

What is an avoidant attachment style?

An avoidant attachment style is characterized by a person who tends to avoid deep emotional connections and may seem distant or detached in relationships.

Why might someone with an avoidant attachment style be difficult to connect with?

Someone with an avoidant attachment style might be difficult to connect with because they often have high walls, are mysterious, and may avoid vulnerability or fear being seen as weak.

What is a dismissive-avoidant attachment style?

A dismissive-avoidant attachment style is a subtype of avoidant attachment where the individual dismisses the need for close relationships and may seem indifferent or even critical of others' needs for intimacy.

How can one communicate their needs to a person with a dismissive-avoidant attachment style?

When communicating needs to a person with a dismissive-avoidant attachment style, it's important to frame it positively, start with appreciation, and normalize the expression of needs as a part of a healthy relationship.

Why do dismissive-avoidant individuals often take things personally?

Dismissive-avoidant individuals often take things personally because they may have a deep-seated belief that they are not capable or good enough, leading them to interpret needs or requests as criticisms.

What is the impact of conflict on someone with a dismissive-avoidant attachment style?

Conflict can be very distressing for someone with a dismissive-avoidant attachment style, as they may not have been exposed to healthy conflict resolution models and may feel unsafe or triggered into a trauma response.

How can one avoid making a dismissive-avoidant person feel trapped in a relationship?

To avoid making a dismissive-avoidant person feel trapped, it's important to have open-ended conversations about the future of the relationship without putting pressure on immediate decisions or commitments.

Why is acknowledging the efforts of a dismissive-avoidant person important?

Acknowledging the efforts of a dismissive-avoidant person is important because it validates their attempts to connect and counteracts their inner belief that they are incapable, fostering a sense of pride and support.

How should one respond when a dismissive-avoidant person opens up emotionally?

When a dismissive-avoidant person opens up emotionally, it's crucial to validate their feelings without overdoing it, offering support without trying to solve their problems, and showing appreciation for their vulnerability.

What is the role of vulnerability in the perception of strength for dismissive-avoidant individuals?

For dismissive-avoidant individuals, vulnerability is often seen as a sign of weakness. Encouraging them to see vulnerability as a sign of strength and courage can help them overcome this perception and feel more comfortable opening up.

Outlines

00:00

🔒 Bypassing Avoidant Attachment Barriers

The paragraph discusses the challenges of connecting with someone who has an avoidant attachment style. It emphasizes the importance of understanding and addressing the barriers to connection in a mindful and respectful way. The speaker, Taes, introduces the topic and shares their expertise on subconscious mind and attachment styles. The key points include the difficulty of penetrating the walls that avoidant individuals put up, the need to communicate effectively without causing shame or criticism, and the importance of normalizing the expression of needs in a relationship.

05:00

😟 Avoiding Shame and Conflict

This section delves into the discomfort that dismissive avoidant individuals feel when faced with conflict and the tendency to freeze or shut down in such situations. The speaker shares personal experiences and insights into how this behavior can be a learned response from upbringing. It stresses the importance of avoiding ultimatums and instead having open-ended conversations that allow for the expression of needs without creating a sense of entrapment. The speaker also highlights the significance of acknowledging efforts made by dismissive avoidant individuals and the positive impact of validation and appreciation.

10:02

👍 Positive Reinforcement and Validation

The paragraph focuses on the power of positive reinforcement and validation for dismissive avoidant individuals. It explains how acknowledging their efforts and being appreciative of their attempts to open up can help counteract their belief that they are incapable in relationships. The speaker advises against solving their problems for them, as this can be perceived as a sign of weakness. Instead, validating their feelings and experiences is encouraged. The speaker also touches on the importance of promoting strength and empowerment in conversations to help avoidant individuals feel supported and valued.

15:03

💪 Encouraging Strength and Empowerment

In this paragraph, the speaker addresses the sensitivity of dismissive avoidant individuals towards feeling helpless or powerless. It suggests encouraging feelings of empowerment and support by validating their efforts and expressing appreciation for their vulnerability. The speaker also emphasizes the importance of creating an environment where it's safe to open up and express emotions, and the role of the listener in reinforcing the strength and courage it takes to be vulnerable.

Keywords

💡Avoidant Attachment Style

Avoidant attachment style refers to a pattern of behavior where individuals are uncomfortable with closeness and tend to avoid emotional intimacy. In the video, Taes discusses how to connect with someone who has an avoidant attachment style, emphasizing the need for mindful communication to avoid triggering their defense mechanisms.

💡Dismissive Avoidant

Dismissive avoidant is a subtype of avoidant attachment where individuals act as if they don't need close relationships and may dismiss the importance of others. The script mentions that dismissive avoidant people are often seen as 'stone-faced' and show no weakness, which can make it difficult for others to connect with them.

💡Defense Mechanisms

Defense mechanisms are psychological strategies that help individuals protect themselves from emotional distress or discomfort. In the context of the video, Taes talks about how avoidant individuals use defense mechanisms to protect themselves from vulnerability, which can create barriers to deep connection.

💡Mindful Communication

Mindful communication involves being fully present, aware, and respectful during conversations. The video emphasizes the importance of mindful communication when discussing needs with a dismissive avoidant person to avoid making them feel criticized or shamed.

💡Shame

Shame is a painful feeling of humiliation or distress caused by the consciousness of wrongs or foolish acts. In the script, Taes explains how dismissive avoidant individuals may feel shame when their needs are communicated, as they might interpret it as a sign of personal inadequacy.

💡Validation

Validation is the act of confirming or accepting the truth or value of something. The video suggests that validating the feelings and efforts of a dismissive avoidant person can help build trust and connection, as it counters their inner belief that they are incapable or unworthy.

💡Vulnerability

Vulnerability is the state of being exposed to the possibility of being attacked or harmed, either emotionally or physically. The script discusses how dismissive avoidant individuals often avoid vulnerability, which is a core part of forming deep connections in relationships.

💡Conflict

Conflict refers to a serious disagreement or argument. The video mentions that dismissive avoidant people are often uncomfortable with conflict and may react by shutting down or avoiding the situation, which can hinder relationship development.

💡Commitment

Commitment is the state or quality of being dedicated to a cause, activity, etc. Taes talks about how to approach the topic of commitment with a dismissive avoidant person without making them feel trapped or pressured, which can lead to them withdrawing from the relationship.

💡Emotional Validation

Emotional validation is the act of acknowledging and accepting someone's emotions as real and valid. The video script provides examples of how to validate the emotions of a dismissive avoidant person without overwhelming them, which is crucial for maintaining their openness in a relationship.

💡Courage

Courage is the ability to do something that frightens one; bravery. In the context of the video, Taes encourages viewers to frame vulnerability and openness as acts of courage, which can help dismissive avoidant individuals see their own emotional expression in a positive light.

Highlights

Understanding how to bypass an avoidant attachment style's defense mechanisms for deeper connection.

The importance of recognizing dismissive avoidant individuals' fear of vulnerability and shame.

How to communicate needs without causing feelings of criticism or inadequacy.

The significance of framing communication positively to avoid triggering shame.

The necessity of normalizing the expression of needs in relationships.

Avoiding conflict and drama when interacting with dismissive avoidant individuals.

The fear of feeling trapped and its impact on dismissive avoidant individuals.

Approaching commitment conversations without creating pressure or a sense of entrapment.

The power of acknowledging and validating the efforts of dismissive avoidant individuals.

The importance of responding to vulnerability with validation rather than problem-solving.

Balancing validation to avoid overwhelming dismissive avoidant individuals.

Encouraging strength and empowerment as opposed to helplessness or powerlessness.

The role of positive reinforcement in building confidence in dismissive avoidant individuals.

The impact of viewing emotional expression as a sign of strength rather than weakness.

The need for dismissive avoidant individuals to feel supported and empowered in relationships.

The importance of being mindful of one's own needs and not just catering to the other person's.

Transcripts

do you have somebody in your life maybe

you're starting to date them or perhaps

they're already an existing romantic

partner or even just a family member or

friend who you think may be an avoidant

attachment style and you're noticing

that difficulty that's stopping you from

more deeply connecting probably because

they're quite mysterious or they tend to

have big walls up well if this is

something you're experiencing in today's

video we are going to talk about how to

bypass an avoidance defense mechanisms

in order to deeply connect and my hope

for you is that you'll walk away from

this video understanding exactly what

those barriers are for connection but

also how you can address them in a

healthy way that's also Mindful and

respectful of the avoidant to get past

those walls and form a deeper Bond and

connection now if you're new to this

channel my name is taes I'm really

excited that you're here and grateful

that you stopped by and I put daily

content out here all about the

subconscious mind attachment Styles and

how to really build the best

relationships of our life by first

learning how to heal

and build the best relationship possible

to

ourselves um obviously the a huge part

of really connecting with a dismissible

warden isn't just like connecting with

some of their character traits at a high

level here and like being mindful of

some of these patterns it's also really

knowing the things that are going to

land poorly and sting or really affect

them and do harm to the relationship as

a result now um part of why we have to

talk about this in so much detail as

well is because dismissible WS are so

good at like being you know like Stone

facing through things like showing no

weakness showing no feelings that often

times you'll have no idea that you're

even affecting

them so when it comes to this one of the

first things that you want to make sure

that you're very mindful of is how much

and how often um the way you communicate

to a dismissive avoidant is going to

feel like criticism like dismissive wens

truly they feel and I've like been

shocked over the years when I met with

more and more and more people who were

Das um but they'll take really small

things as criticisms the vast majority

of the time if you say I need more time

together they may take that as a

criticism like oh you think I'm not

doing enough or or um rather than it

just being like a need and just a

request which is like we have to be able

to request St from each other um in the

name of like doing healthy relationships

and we're not supposed to know each

other's needs we're only really going to

arrive there when it comes to different

needs through communicating about them

so like usually like securely attached

people talk about their needs and they

don't always know each other's needs

right like the vast majority of time

they don't so that's like a normal

healthy thing it never makes somebody

bad or wrong or shameful if you had to

communicate a need but I will tell you

dismissive avoidance don't usually feel

that way um they do usually feel like

I'm bad or I'm wrong now here's why

remember a moment ago we were talking

about how a lot of dismissable avoidance

when I started asking questions more

they would be like I don't know how to

do it or I feel incapable often times

because they're carrying that deep inner

feeling about themselves as soon as they

hear a need it seems to reinforce that

big set of fears or wounds and so to be

able to have a dialogue and to be able

to say like um what you need you can you

want to handle these things with a lot

of extra care so we want to avoid shame

wounds one of the easiest ways is just

start off by saying things that you do

care about and value and appreciate and

then say you know and here's what I need

and then maybe even end with something

else where you can say something you

care or value or appreciate and the more

you do that the the less it's going to

be received with criticism and also the

more you can talk about like and

normalize as a standard with your

partner or loved one because it can be a

family member or anything here too um

but the more you say hey we're not

supposed to know each other each other's

needs it's not nor we're not supposed to

mindr each other we're supposed to talk

like we're supposed to get good at

expressing what we need from each other

that's actually how a healthy

relationship works and evolves and stays

growing together instead of growing

apart and the more we normalize it the

more we can then communicate openly

about those things because sometimes

instead you might communicate and say

like I need you to talk on the phone

more or I need you to you know whatever

the need is and the da will often right

away be like you you want things from me

and you think I'm not doing good job and

you think I'm incapable and they tend to

really take things personally um and

honestly this happens with da in the

work workplace this happens with da

really in a lot of different places in

their lives um and again we take things

personally the more neglect we have as a

general rule in our upbringing um so

that is a very very important thing um

and and just knowing how to phrase your

communication so you're not going to

shame somebody for something or make

them feel shame um and again it's not

that you are making them feel shame it's

that you might be handling communication

less than optimally but then they really

take it personally and the com the

combin of those things is what creates

that that big feeling of Shame um but

just the more mindful you are the better

another big thing is I know for a lot of

fas in here um and sometimes APs too um

you know sometimes you think and I'll

just speak from personal experience like

I thought growing up because I saw my

parents fighting like cats and dogs all

the time I thought growing up that like

that's what love is like that's how

people are in relationships they fight

like crazy that's love so when I look

back until I did a lot of healing and

self-work when I look back at like these

early relationships in my life like mind

you was like a teenager at the time but

like I would pick fights because I

thought that like hey this is what we're

this is how we know we're in a

passionate connected relationship and

and so if I thought that things were too

normal I would be like oh my gosh the

relationship's fading it's dying out the

connection is over and so you know so a

big learning for me was oh that's

definitely not how other people feel and

I can tell you who feels like that the

least and it's dismissive avoidance

nobody is going to want to get away from

that situation more than a dismissive

avoidant because fighting drama conflict

it it like it really terrifies them deep

down like dismissible wens are really

generally super highly uncomfortable in

Conflict oriented situations they didn't

have that model to them it's not part of

their subconscious comfort zone it

doesn't feel safe they don't feel

empowered to know how to work through

conflict and they tend to go into like

survival mode and then feel like their

needs are not met um so it's really

important to recognize hey that's not

necessarily

um all the Real Housewives lousy

programming that was funny it's true um

yeah and sun says they freeze right like

and that's tends to be a a big um sort

of normal space for DA they kind of go

into freeze mode and it's honestly like

a bit of a trauma response um so yeah I

hear this too right the moment someone

shouts at me I shut down hard

dismissible like securely attached

people don't like that but dismissible

wens like it will make them want to run

the other way like it really causes this

super uncomfortable um situation so it

triggers this wound of like I am unsafe

and like we don't like to be around

things where we truly feel unsafe so

being mindful of that is huge another

big thing is um feeling trapped scares

dismissive avoidance a lot so like

sometimes if you're asking for um

something that you need or maybe you're

dating somebody and you like want a

commitment right what we don't want to

do is put people in like pigeon hold

situation so maybe you've been dating a

DA for let's say three months and let's

say that you want a commitment you want

to know you know maybe you don't

generally people commit around three

four months securely attached people

sometimes a little longer sometimes a

little shorter depending on

circumstances like were they friends

first have they known each other for a

long time different things will VAR like

create a variation of Dynamic so let's

say you're at like two or three months

and you are wanting that commitment um

so then if you're in that position you

don't want to have conversations like

this and this is one example of many

examples but you don't want to have a

conversation that says like what are we

are we

committed because it it puts this sense

of like I need the answer right now it

almost gives this like air of an

ultimatum um instead you know you want

to have conversations that are like hey

I'm really enjoying this relationship

I'm really enjoying how things are going

I could definitely see this turning into

something it doesn't have to be

immediate but I do need to know that you

know my time is valuable and for me to

be investing my time I want to know that

you're on the same page and also see a

strong future so like conversations like

that tend to bode a lot better and this

can come across in a variety of

different ways right it can be

conversations about moving in together

buying a house where you're going to

live like whatever it is rather than

saying are we going to live here you

know are we going to going to move in

are we because there's this sense of

like I need to know right now you need

to tell me immediately so instead of

going through that Dynamic having more

of this kind of open-ended conversation

but that you still get your needs met

for certainty like I need to know that

we're on the same page I need to know

that we're moving in the same direction

you know I do need to know that this

will come about it doesn't have to be

the second but I need to know that we're

going there you know doing things like

that allow to have um you know in

important commitment-based conversations

without the like trapping nature of how

those conversations can come across

right again like I'll say this

throughout this whole presentation over

and over again this isn't about doing

back flips to like appease the other

person this is about knowing how you're

most likely to get your needs met well

connecting to them and being able to be

mindful and considerate of some of their

different wounds and fears other really

important things related to core wounds

um when dismissable WS do do something

and they do make an effort acknowledge

it see it pay attention to it honor it

appreciate it it doesn't have to be over

the top but just like even just

mentioning I I hey I see you're putting

in an effort I appreciate it I've never

seen any other attachment style respond

so well to positive reinforcement of

needs better than any other attachment

Style by Leaps and Bounds and I think

it's because it inherently gets them out

of this mindset or belief sort of way

that they're living that thinks oh my

gosh I'm I'm not capable of doing this

I'm not good at doing relationships I'm

not capable at doing relationship ship

every time you say hey I see you're

trying I know you're making an effort I

notice it thank you every time you do

that it it gets them around that belief

about themselves which is a huge sabur

in relationships um and on top of that

it makes them feel the opposite of shame

it makes them feel you know pride and

and supported and and it makes them see

that them opening up is doing good and

not bad because making an effort in a

relationship is inherently

vulnerable right and like who who hates

vulnerability the most is our da so when

they're doing something vulnerable when

there's a little bit of positive

reinforcement that ends up being a

fantastic thing also hello to somebody

returning faces it's nice to see

everybody I keep seeing little faces pop

and I'm like oh hi um so so um the more

we're doing these things the better it

makes a huge difference other really

important place to acknowledge is when

and if a dismissible Wen does open up

right they're not going to like you're

not going to sit down on date number

seven and they're going to tell you

their whole life story you know they

they'll open up a little bit over time

but acknowledging that like like doing

things to support that right so so

saying things like hey like that was

really courageous to share that or

little tiny things even that might be a

little bit too strong um but just

validating like their feelings their

perspective when they do open up goes a

very very long way um and funnily enough

dismiss of avoidance don't love when you

try to solve their problem problems when

they do open up um similar to all other

attachment Styles if you try to solve

their problems when they do open up

they I came in and saw Jerry's reaction

to that and it made me laugh um but what

ends up happening is is dismissive

avoidance um because it's like these

kind of rare occasions when they do open

up they actually usually want you to

validate their emotions like oh I see

why that would suck I see why that hurts

to feel that way I see why you know

that's an uncomfortable situation If

instead you're like oh do this or do

this they tend to receive it as like oh

you think I can't handle myself you

think that I can't handle my own

problems you're trying to do it for me

so when dismissive avoidance do open up

um the more you can you know hey I that

sucks like I appreciate you sharing that

that's not a very fun thing to be going

through I'm sorry you're going through

that I can see how you would feel hurt

or upset like the more you can just do a

little bit again I know that this is so

nuanced and again this you're job is not

to be like a scientist and remember all

these little tiny pieces but um if you

overdo the emotional validation for two

long they'll close back down if you

don't validate and you try to solve the

problem they'll close down and they

won't open up again so you have this

kind of tricky Middle Ground where you

want to be able to validate a little bit

like oh that's a tough situation like I

can see why that would feel super

uncomfortable but if you say something

like oh my gosh that's the saddest thing

I've ever heard you must be so hurt and

sad and frustrated and I can't can't

believe like if you want for too long

they're like okay you're making me feel

too much I need to close back down again

and go back into my safe zone so like

having that middle ground validating

even asking you know what is there

anything I can do to support you is

there anything you need from me or like

hey that's that's amazing that you're

sharing that and you were able to go

through that and come out the other side

of it if it's something they're sharing

about their past like doing things like

that tend to be that really healthy

Middle Ground um so again I I'm going to

tell you the go goal of this today is to

tell you all the information so you can

notice what you might be doing you can

take the pieces that apply best to you

but your job is not to like do back

flips all the time and remember every

single little thing because then you'll

just end up in this like self- abandoned

relationship where you're not showing up

for your own needs and your own feelings

and experiences too um so just be

mindful of that throughout today um

another big thing is dismissive

avoidance generally have this huge idea

that when they do open up or they are

expressing emotion in any way that it

makes them like weak super weak um the

more we can oppose that hey it's strong

the more we can talk about like hey it's

actually really strong and courageous

when people open up like look at our

world today the whole world is designed

to like not get you to open up and to

scare us out of like opening up and

being vulnerable and so the more that we

actually do that the more courageous

that is even if you just share that from

your own experience your own belief

system your own example um then that's a

great place to start just so that if

that person then opens up to you they

already know that you're not going to

judge them as being weak you're going to

see them through the lens of of being

strong so that tends to be a huge um

plus as well and something good to to

pay attention to um they tend to have a

sensitivity towards being helpless or

powerless um so the more that you can

encourage them like the opposite of

helplessness is is um either supported

um or empowered right and we can sort of

have empowered for the opposite of

powerless um and so the more that like

we can feed into that in conversation

um if you're if they're going to have to

rely on you for something letting them

know that you'll be there to support

them in the process things like that so

that it just we know how to in

conversation bypass some of these core

wounds again dismiss avoidance you know

ideally they're working through their

their own core wounds things like that

but um the more we know the easier it is

to consider somebody

else

for