Why Avoidants show their true self ONLY after 1 year

Summary

In this insightful video, attachment specialist Adam Lane Smith explores the dynamics of relationships with individuals exhibiting avoidant attachment styles. He explains that the first year of dating can be deceptive, driven by temporary neurotransmitters rather than genuine connection. Smith outlines four key strategies to foster trust, address fear of engulfment, and build a secure attachment base, which can transform avoidant behaviors and lead to enduring relationships. His course, 'How to Love an Avoidant Man,' offers a roadmap for couples seeking to deepen their bond beyond the dopamine-driven honeymoon phase.

Takeaways

• 🔍 The first year of a relationship with an avoidant partner is often based on temporary feelings and games, rather than a genuine connection.
• 🧠 Avoidant individuals may not know how to engage authentically due to their attachment style, which is characterized by a lack of oxytocin bonding and an over-reliance on dopamine.
• 💔 The 'dopamine cliff' refers to the drop in the feel-good hormone after about five months, leading to potential relationship dissatisfaction.
• 🔗 Building trust is crucial in the first year with an avoidant partner, involving consistency, reliability, acceptance, and mutual fulfillment.
• 🚫 Avoidant partners often fear engulfment and losing their independence, so it's important to respect and value their need for personal space.
• 🤝 Testing the waters is a natural part of the first year for avoidant individuals, who may push boundaries to gauge reactions and ensure trust.
• 🛡 Establishing a secure attachment base can help rewire an avoidant person's attachment style over time, fostering a deeper emotional connection.
• 💡 Adam Lane Smith, the attachment specialist, emphasizes the importance of understanding and addressing the specific needs and fears of avoidant partners.
• 🔗 The video offers a course called 'How to Love an Avoidant Man' to provide a roadmap for building a strong relationship with an avoidant partner.
• 🔗 The use of the discount code 'YouTube 25' is offered for a 25% discount on the course, encouraging viewers to take proactive steps in their relationship.

Q & A

What is the main issue with relationships involving someone with an avoidant attachment style?

The main issue is that avoidant individuals often present a false image and may not show their true selves until around the one-year mark, due to the influence of temporary neurotransmitters and the lack of genuine oxytocin bonding.

Who is Adam Lane Smith and what is his area of expertise?

Adam Lane Smith is an attachment specialist who has worked with couples for years, first as a licensed marriage and family therapist and now as a coach specializing in attachment theory.

What is the term used to describe the initial excitement in a new relationship that is based on novelty?

The term used is 'novelty dopamine', which tends to last for the first five months of a relationship.

What happens after the 'novelty dopamine' phase ends in a relationship with an avoidant person?

After the novelty dopamine phase, which typically ends around the five-month mark, avoidant individuals may struggle to form a deeper bond due to a lack of oxytocin bonding.

Why do avoidant people struggle to form an oxytocin bond?

Avoidant people struggle to form an oxytocin bond because their oxytocin receptors may be blocked by cortisol, and in some cases, have shifted to accept vasopressin instead, resulting in a reduced ability to bond.

What is the 'dopamine cliff' and how does it relate to relationships with avoidant individuals?

The 'dopamine cliff' refers to the point when the novelty dopamine begins to fall off, typically around five months into a relationship. For avoidant individuals, this can lead to a lack of genuine connection and potential relationship breakdown.

What are the four key things that couples can do in the first year to help an avoidant person bond properly?

The four key things are: 1) Establishing clear trust, 2) Testing the waters and understanding the first year as a testing ground, 3) Addressing the avoidant person's fear of engulfment, and 4) Building a secure attachment base in the relationship.

How can trust be established with an avoidant partner according to the script?

Trust can be established by demonstrating consistency, reliability, acceptance of the avoidant person's needs, and mutually fulfilling the relationship's expectations.

What does the term 'testing the waters' mean in the context of a relationship with an avoidant person?

In the context of a relationship with an avoidant person, 'testing the waters' refers to the initial stages where the avoidant individual may push boundaries, create distance, or withdraw to gauge the partner's reactions and build trust.

Why is addressing the fear of engulfment important for avoidant individuals in a relationship?

Addressing the fear of engulfment is important because avoidant individuals cherish their independence and are afraid of losing themselves in a relationship. Helping them feel secure in their individuality fosters a healthier bond.

How can a secure attachment base be built in a relationship with an avoidant person?

A secure attachment base can be built by fostering open communication, understanding the avoidant person's fears and needs, and creating a consistent and reliable relationship dynamic that can rewire their attachment style over time.

What is the special offer mentioned by Adam Lane Smith for those looking to build a strong relationship with an avoidantly attached partner?

The special offer is a 25% discount on his video course 'How to Love An Avoidant Man' using the code 'YouTube 25', which provides a roadmap to foster a strong relationship with an avoidantly attached partner.