The WORST ADVICE you can give an Autistic person #TakeTheMaskOff
Summary
TLDRThe speaker discusses the challenges of making friends for individuals on the autism spectrum, highlighting the paradox of fitting in versus being oneself. They critique the common advice to 'just be yourself' and 'not care what others think,' explaining how this can lead to social isolation. Instead, they advocate for finding a 'socially acceptable version' of oneself that allows for genuine connection and inclusion without sacrificing authenticity. The video supports the #TakeTheMaskOff campaign, emphasizing the importance of genuine connections over societal pressures to conform.
Takeaways
- 😢 The speaker emphasizes the difficulty of making friends for individuals on the autism spectrum and the struggle to fit in.
- 👶 In childhood, the speaker lacked the instinct to copy others and fit in, leading to social exclusion.
- 🤔 The speaker reflects on the natural reaction to try to fit in by acting like others, which can be harmful for autistic individuals.
- 🎭 The #TakeTheMaskOff campaign is highlighted to raise awareness of the emotional toll of trying to appear 'normal' for acceptance.
- 💡 The common advice 'just be yourself' is critiqued as potentially harmful for those on the autism spectrum who already struggle with social norms.
- 🚫 The speaker argues that completely disregarding others' opinions can lead to social isolation and should be avoided.
- 🤝 The goal is to find a balance between being authentic and being socially acceptable to form meaningful connections.
- 👗 The analogy of wearing clothes is used to illustrate the idea of presenting a socially acceptable version of oneself.
- 🙅♂️ The speaker warns against the extreme advice of either fitting in at all costs or not caring at all about societal acceptance.
- 🌟 The importance of emotional intelligence in understanding how others perceive us and the impact on our treatment is discussed.
- 💪 The speaker encourages not giving up on making meaningful connections and finding a balance between authenticity and social acceptance.
Q & A
What is one of the biggest challenges for people on the autism spectrum when it comes to making friends?
-One of the biggest challenges for people on the autism spectrum is the difficulty in understanding and emulating social norms, which can make it hard for them to fit in and relate to others.
Why did the speaker feel like an outsider during their childhood?
-The speaker felt like an outsider because they lacked the instinct to copy others and fit in, which led to them doing things differently and not being included in activities with other kids.
What is the speaker's opinion on the advice 'just be yourself' for someone on the autism spectrum?
-The speaker believes that the advice 'just be yourself' can be counterproductive for someone on the autism spectrum, as it overlooks the need for them to learn and perform socially acceptable behaviors to connect with others.
What social media campaign is the speaker supporting and why is it important?
-The speaker is supporting the #TakeTheMaskOff campaign, which raises awareness about the toll that trying to fit in by wearing a 'mask' can take on autistic individuals, emphasizing the importance of genuine connection and acceptance.
What does the speaker suggest is the worst advice for someone on the autism spectrum who is trying to make friends?
-The speaker suggests that the worst advice is to either 'just be yourself and not care what others think' or 'fit in at all costs,' as both extremes can prevent the formation of genuine connections.
How does the speaker describe the natural reaction of someone on the autism spectrum when they feel excluded?
-The natural reaction is to think that in order to be included, they need to act, talk, and be like everyone else, which can lead to trying to fit in at all costs.
What does the speaker mean by 'socially acceptable version of being myself'?
-The 'socially acceptable version of being myself' refers to expressing oneself in a way that is appropriate for different social situations, allowing for genuine connection without sacrificing authenticity.
Why is it important for people to like and understand the speaker according to their perspective?
-It's important because how people perceive and treat the speaker can significantly impact their life, affecting everything from employment to social inclusion and personal relationships.
What message does the speaker have for people on the autism spectrum who have given up on making friends?
-The speaker encourages them not to give up on making meaningful connections, emphasizing that it's possible to be genuine and still find inclusion and acceptance.
How does the speaker use the analogy of wearing clothes to explain the concept of a socially constructed self?
-The speaker uses the analogy of wearing clothes to illustrate that just as we cover our bodies appropriately in public for social reasons, we also present a version of ourselves that is suitable for different social contexts while still being authentic.
What does the speaker want viewers to do after watching the video?
-The speaker wants viewers to share the video, support the #TakeTheMaskOff campaign, and engage in discussion on social media or by becoming a patron to support their content.
Outlines
🤔 The Struggle with Social Integration for Autism Spectrum Individuals
The speaker reflects on the unique challenges faced by individuals on the autism spectrum when trying to make friends. They share personal experiences from childhood, highlighting their inability to instinctively mimic others, which led to social exclusion. The speaker emphasizes the importance of not fitting in at all costs and discusses the damaging effects of trying to conform to societal expectations, referencing the #TakeTheMaskOff campaign that advocates for authenticity and acceptance of autistic individuals. They also critique common advice given to those on the spectrum, such as 'just be yourself,' arguing that it overlooks the social skills needed to form genuine connections.
👥 Balancing Authenticity with Social Acceptance
Continuing the discussion, the speaker explores the delicate balance between being true to oneself and being socially acceptable. They argue that while it's crucial to be genuine, it's equally important to consider how others perceive us to avoid negative social consequences like unemployment and isolation. The speaker encourages not giving up on forming meaningful connections and suggests finding a version of oneself that is both authentic and socially acceptable. Using the analogy of wearing clothes, they illustrate how one can express their true self in a manner that is appropriate for different social settings. The speaker passionately supports the #TakeTheMaskOff campaign and ends with a call to action for viewers to engage in the conversation and support the cause.
Mindmap
Keywords
💡Autism spectrum
💡Inclusion
💡Social norms
💡Fitting in
💡Emotional intelligence
💡Authenticity
💡Connection
💡#TakeTheMaskOff
💡Meaningful relationships
💡Socially constructed self
💡Genuine connection
Highlights
The challenge of making friends for individuals on the autism spectrum is highlighted, emphasizing the importance of social connection.
The speaker shares personal experiences from childhood, illustrating the lack of instinct to conform and fit in with peers.
The natural consequence of not conforming is exclusion, leading to difficulties in relating to others and a sense of being on the outside.
The struggle to understand how to connect with others without simply copying their behavior is discussed.
The societal pressure to fit in at all costs is critiqued, with reference to the #TakeTheMaskOff campaign.
The common advice to 'just be yourself' is examined as potentially harmful for individuals on the autism spectrum.
The speaker argues that the reason for social difficulties often stems from not caring about others' opinions during early development.
The importance of finding a balance between being oneself and being socially acceptable is emphasized.
The concept of a 'socially acceptable version' of oneself is introduced as a means to form genuine connections.
The analogy of wearing clothes to express oneself appropriately in public is used to illustrate the point.
The speaker warns against the extreme of not caring about others' opinions, which can lead to social isolation.
The importance of not giving up on making meaningful connections is stressed.
The speaker encourages finding an authentic version of oneself that is also socially acceptable.
The idea of a 'socially constructed self' is presented as a balance between authenticity and social norms.
The video concludes with a call to support the #TakeTheMaskOff campaign and the importance of genuine self-expression.
The speaker passionately advocates for inclusion and the building of genuine connections, inviting viewers to share the video.
The video ends with a reminder of the ad-free nature of the content and an invitation for viewer feedback.
Transcripts
- How many friends am I gonna make
if I take off all my clothes
and run through a shopping center naked
trying to hug people,
and say won't somebody please accept me as I am?
It doesn't work like that clearly, it doesn't.
So it's no secret that trying to make friends
is one of the biggest challenges
for a lot of people on the autism spectrum.
So today I'm going to share a little bit of insight
into a couple of reasons as to why that is,
and share what is in my opinion,
the absolute worst advice you can possibly give
to someone on the spectrum who is trying to make friends
and struggling to make friends.
When I think back to my childhood
especially my early primary years.
Those really early childhood years.
I didn't know that I was supposed to copy
everyone else around me.
I was the kid in kindergarten where everyone else
was copying the dance moves of the teacher,
and I was just looking at everyone else thinking,
oh, this is really strange,
everyone else is doing the same thing.
I wondered why, how curious.
So it's like I just completely lacked the instinct
to copy everyone else and fit in,
and do what everyone else was doing.
So because of this, I ended up just doing
whatever I felt like
And the natural consequence of that
is I ended up not being included in what the other kids
were doing so it became harder and harder
to relate to the other kids my own age.
And then pretty soon as we started growing up,
they started assuming that I didn't wanna be part of them
that I didn't want to do whatever they were doing.
And that led to being on the outside,
and trying to figure out for a lot of my life
especially my teenage years looking
from the outside trying to figure out
how do I get in to this little community of other people
'cause I desperately wanted to connect with other people,
and be included in that space.
But I didn't know how to do that
without just copying what everyone else was doing.
So the natural reaction to that is to think
that if I wanna be included in whatever they're doing,
I need to act like them and talk like them,
and be like them so that they can accept me,
and we can be friends.
So maybe you can see where I'm going with this.
Obviously trying to fit in at all costs
can create some significant issues.
So much so that you may have seen on social media this week
the #TakeTheMaskOff.
Raising awareness for the toll that
having to wear a mask and try to pass as normal
can take on autistic people who feel that
that is the only way that they're ever going to be accepted
by society and have this connection to other people
that we all crave as human beings.
So with that in mind, I wanna talk about
a really common piece of advice
that's actually really good for most people
but probably the worst thing you could possibly say
to someone on the autism spectrum.
And that is the advice to just be yourself,
and stop caring what other people think.
Now on the surface that might sound
like a really good idea
and if I'm trying to fit in at all cost.
Surely it's better to just be myself
however if we dial this all the way back to the beginning.
The reason that I'm in this mess in the first place
is because when I was really little,
I didn't care what other people thought about me
and because of that I wasn't trying to fit in.
I wasn't trying to do what everyone else did
and I was 100% being myself without thinking of
what the consequences would be for me socially to do that.
So while 99% of the population probably does care too much
about what other people think and probably does feel
this inherit drive to fit in at all cost.
I've found that people on the spectrum.
Tend to be the opposite.
And I know this was definitely true for me.
I actually needed encouragement to do
those socially acceptable things
that everyone else took for granted.
So interestingly if the worst advice you can possibly give
is just be yourself and don't care at all
about what anyone else thinks.
Then the next worst advice is the exact opposite
which is fit in at all cost.
Wear that mask, always perform in public.
So let's remember what the goal is, right.
The goal is to find a way to be connected and included
and feel valued, loved and accepted
by the other people in our lives.
I would like friends,
I want to have meaningful relationships.
I wanna be employed.
I wanna have a place in society with other people.
So if I don't care about what other people think,
It's gonna be almost impossible to achieve all that.
But at the same time if I cared too much
about what other people think
then I'm not going to be myself enough
to form any genuine connection with another person.
One of the things that I've learned
in my journey towards emotional intelligence
is that what other people think and feel about me
makes a huge difference to how they treat me.
People that like me, will be treat me better.
People that don't like me, will treat me worst.
So obviously, it's important for people to like me
and to understand me.
Otherwise I will be treated unfairly by other people
my entire life and we all know what that looks like.
Chronic unemployment, social isolation.
The list goes on and it's really not pretty.
So telling people to just be yourself
and not care about what other people think.
That's actually a really sad place to end up,
and unfortunately, it is the message that I hear
from a lot of especially adults on the spectrum
who have been so burned by trying to fit into society
that they say, "No, that's it.
"I'm not trying anymore, I can't try anymore.
"I'm just gonna accept the rejection of society.
"I'm not gonna try and connect.
"I'm not gonna try and make friends.
"I've given up on making friends.
"I've given up on trying to find meaningful relationships."
And that is not a fun place to be.
So my message instead is do not give up on making
meaningful connections with other people.
It's a hundred percent possible to be yourself,
and find that connection and inclusion at the same time.
It's all about finding a socially acceptable version
of what being myself looks like.
So if I go out in public, I don't wanna cover myself up.
I wanna express myself in a way that is going to be
received well by others.
A good analogy is like wearing clothes.
My body is perfectly fine exactly how it is,
but for social reasons when I'm on camera,
when I'm in public
I wear clothes over the top of my body to express who I am
in a way that is socially acceptable
to strip off everything,
and say this is the raw, naked me all the time,
a hundred percent.
That is not in a format that allows
people to receive that well.
How many friends am I gonna make
of I run through a shopping center naked
saying won't somebody please accept me
exactly how I am?
It doesn't work like that in society.
Everyone has a version of themselves
ideally an authentic version of themselves
that they put forward in any given situation.
There are things that I say and do
when I'm home alone that I would not say and do
in a professional setting for example.
Am I less myself in a professional setting?
No, hopefully not.
Hopefully, my professional version of myself, my on camera
for example version of myself is still an authentic version.
It's just the version that is appropriate
for what I'm doing right now.
Sometimes people call this the socially constructed self.
It's still myself, I'm still being myself.
It's just the side of myself that I'm gonna show
to any given person at any given time
to maximize my chance of connection with that person,
and being included in that setting.
Okay, well I hope I've been making sense today.
I really wanna support the #TakeTheMaskOff campaign
'cause it's really important
that we don't cover up who we are to try and fit in
because that prevents the possibility of genuine connection
with other people unless we can be ourselves first.
But on the other hand if I don't care at all
about what other people think of me.
I've essentially given up on trying to make that connection
and trying to be included in the society that I live in.
And that can have some pretty extreme
negative consequences, unfortunately.
So thanks for watching, I hoped that you've enjoyed that.
I'm clearly very passionate about this topic
of inclusion and helping people build
that genuine connection so please share this video.
If you'd like support the #TakeTheMaskOff campaign
and yeah I'll see you another time, bye.
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