How to STOP Obsessing Over Someone and START Letting Go (Best Relationship Advice)

Summary

This video script humorously addresses the misconceptions about relationships, drawing parallels to the lack of formal education on finances. It emphasizes the importance of learning relationship skills, debunking the myth of obsessive love portrayed in media. The speaker outlines three types of love: dependent, codependent, and interdependent, advocating for the mature love of interdependence where both partners maintain individuality while enhancing each other. The script encourages viewers to pursue a relationship dynamic that respects freedom and individual growth, rather than one based on possession or obsession.

Takeaways

• 😀 Relationships and finances are often not taught, leading to a need for learning and seeking advice.
• 📚 Many people feel embarrassed seeking relationship advice, especially men, due to societal norms.
• 🎥 Society often gets relationship advice from media like television and movies, which can be misleading.
• 💔 The Disney fairy tale portrayal of love as mutual obsession is not a healthy model for real relationships.
• 🔗 Being over-attached or obsessed with something, including people, usually leads to worse outcomes, not better.
• 🤔 Over-attachment can cause nervousness and self-doubt, which can be off-putting in various situations.
• 🚫 The energy of neediness and insecurity can be repulsive and is often perceived as a lack of confidence.
• ❤️ Osho's book 'Intimacy' suggests there are three types of love: dependent love, codependent love, and interdependent love.
• 🔄 Dependent and codependent love are less mature forms and can lead to possessiveness and control issues.
• 🌐 Interdependent love is the mature form where both individuals are self-sufficient and choose to be together, enhancing each other's lives.
• 🌅 The importance of enjoying shared experiences without distraction and the need for trust in a relationship.
• 🆓 The fundamental human need for freedom is greater than the need for love, and relationships should not compromise this freedom.

Q & A

Why do people often feel embarrassed to seek relationship advice?

People often feel embarrassed to seek relationship advice because they believe they should be naturally good at relationships, similar to the way they might feel about finances, where they think they should intuitively know how to manage money without being taught.

What is the common misconception about love that the speaker wants to dispel in the video?

The common misconception the speaker wants to dispel is that being obsessed with someone or being overly attached to them is the way to create true love. The speaker argues that this approach can actually lead to worse results.

What are the three main points discussed in the video regarding relationships?

The three main points discussed are: 1) Over attachment often leads to worse results, 2) Most people have a flawed idea of what a relationship should be, and 3) The importance of understanding the different types of love and the need for freedom in a relationship.

Why does being over attached to something not yield better results according to the video?

Being over attached to something can lead to worse results because it causes people to get in their own heads, act nervously, and not be themselves, which can be off-putting to others.

What is the difference between dependent love and codependent love according to Osho's book 'Intimacy'?

Dependent love is when one person values the other more than themselves, often leading to obsession and a lack of reciprocation. Codependent love is when both people are equally obsessed with each other, which can lead to unhealthy clinginess and a lack of individual freedom.

What is the highest form of love according to the video?

The highest form of love is interdependence, where both individuals are self-sufficient and choose to come together to create a magnified entity that is greater than the sum of its parts.

Why is freedom considered a higher need than love in the context of relationships?

Freedom is a higher need than love because no one wants to be possessed in a relationship. People want to be loved but also maintain their individuality and autonomy.

What does the video suggest as an alternative approach to being overly attached in a relationship?

The video suggests an alternative approach of being more detached from the outcome and going with the flow, which can lead to better results as it respects the freedom and individuality of both parties.

What is the role of self-improvement in attracting better relationships according to the video?

Self-improvement plays a crucial role in attracting better relationships because it helps individuals become the best version of themselves, thereby attracting opportunities and people who are on the same level.

How does the video relate the idea of 'neediness' to the types of love discussed?

The video relates 'neediness' to dependent and codependent love, where individuals are overly attached and obsessed with their partners, which can be repulsive and lead to a lack of freedom in the relationship.

What is the main takeaway from the video regarding how to approach relationships?

The main takeaway is to approach relationships with an understanding of the different types of love, prioritizing interdependence and freedom over dependence and codependence, and to focus on self-improvement to attract healthier and more fulfilling relationships.

Outlines

00:00

😄 The Misconception of Natural Relationship Expertise

This paragraph discusses the common belief that people should inherently be good at relationships, similar to the misconception about financial literacy. It highlights the embarrassment some men feel when seeking relationship advice, like reading 'The Five Love Languages.' The speaker admits not being a relationship expert but emphasizes the importance of learning about relationships, especially during times like quarantine when people are spending more time together. The paragraph also touches on how people often learn about love from television and movies, which can create unrealistic expectations of love being an obsession that is reciprocated, a myth the speaker aims to debunk.

05:01

🔗 The Flaws in Common Relationship Approaches and the Concept of Love Types

The speaker explores the idea that being overly attached or obsessed with something, such as a job or a body image, often leads to worse outcomes due to increased anxiety and self-consciousness. This concept is then applied to relationships, where neediness and clinginess are seen as repulsive and indicative of insecurity. The paragraph introduces Osho's theory of three types of love: dependent love, where one person values the other more; codependent love, where both parties are equally obsessed with each other; and interdependent love, which is the mature form where both individuals are self-sufficient and choose to be together, creating a stronger entity. The speaker argues that most people mistakenly pursue the first two types, which can be draining and immature.

10:04

🚀 The Importance of Interdependence and Detachment in Relationships

The final paragraph delves into the concept of interdependence as the ideal form of love, where both partners maintain their individuality and freedom while enhancing each other's lives. The speaker contrasts this with the other forms of love, which can lead to feelings of possession and control, ultimately pushing people away as they seek freedom. The paragraph concludes with the idea that by detaching from the need for a specific outcome in relationships and embracing a more go-with-the-flow attitude, individuals can improve their relationships and overall life experiences. The speaker also mentions a coaching program that can help with personal growth and attracting better opportunities.

Keywords

💡Relationships

Relationships refer to the emotional and social connections between people. In the video, the speaker emphasizes that relationships, like finances, are not naturally intuitive and require learning and understanding. The video seeks to dispel common myths about relationships and provide deeper insights into how they work.

💡Finances

Finances involve the management of money, including saving, investing, and spending. The speaker draws a parallel between relationships and finances, highlighting that both are areas where people often lack formal education and feel embarrassed seeking advice. This comparison sets the stage for discussing the importance of learning about relationships.

💡Attachment

Attachment refers to the emotional bond or connection one feels towards another person or object. The video argues that being overly attached in relationships can lead to worse outcomes, as it may convey neediness and insecurity. The speaker uses job interviews and body image as analogies to explain how over-attachment can negatively impact various aspects of life.

💡Independence

Independence in relationships refers to each partner maintaining their own sense of self and autonomy. The video contrasts dependent and codependent relationships with interdependent ones, where both individuals are self-sufficient and choose to be together, creating a healthier and more balanced dynamic.

💡Codependence

Codependence describes a relationship where both partners are excessively reliant on each other for emotional support and validation. The speaker critiques this form of love, noting that it often leads to unhealthy dynamics and isn't sustainable in the long term. Codependence is presented as an immature form of love compared to interdependence.

💡Interdependence

Interdependence is a relationship dynamic where both partners are self-reliant but choose to support and enhance each other's lives. This is described as the most mature and healthiest form of love. The speaker advocates for interdependence, where both individuals' values are equal, and they complement each other without losing their individuality.

💡Neediness

Neediness refers to an excessive dependence on another person for emotional fulfillment and reassurance. The video discusses how neediness is often repulsive to others and can undermine one's confidence. The speaker emphasizes that true confidence comes from within, not from seeking constant validation from others.

💡Osho

Osho was a spiritual teacher and author known for his unconventional views on love and relationships. In the video, the speaker references Osho's book 'Intimacy,' where Osho categorizes love into three types: dependent, codependent, and interdependent. These categories form the basis of the speaker's argument about healthy relationship dynamics.

💡Freedom

Freedom is described as a fundamental human need that supersedes even love. The video suggests that people desire love without feeling possessed or controlled. The speaker argues that true love respects the other person's freedom and that relationships based on dependence or codependence can infringe on this freedom, leading to dissatisfaction.

💡Detachment

Detachment in the context of relationships means letting go of the outcome and not being overly fixated on how things should turn out. The speaker advises that detaching from the result of a relationship or interaction can lead to better outcomes, as it reduces pressure and neediness, allowing for a more natural and confident approach.

Highlights

The societal expectation that people should naturally be good at relationships, similar to the lack of formal education on financial matters.

The reluctance, especially among men, to seek relationship advice due to societal stigma.

The common misconception that being overly attached or obsessed leads to better outcomes in relationships.

The analogy of a job interview to illustrate the negative impact of over-attachment.

The critique of the unrealistic portrayal of love in media and its influence on people's expectations.

The debunking of the myth that obsession is a form of true love.

The three types of love as described by Osho: dependent love, codependent love, and interdependent love.

The idea that dependent love is a lower form of love, often mistaken for the real thing.

The explanation of codependent love as an unhealthy form of mutual obsession.

The concept of interdependent love as the mature and ideal form of love in a relationship.

The importance of not being overly focused on the other person in a relationship.

The assertion that freedom is a higher need than love, and its impact on relationships.

The advice against being overly attached to the outcome of a relationship.

The notion that people are attracted to who you are, not what you want.

The promotion of a program for personal growth and identity shift.

The offer of a free video for those curious about personal transformation.

Transcripts

it's so funny about relationships

because we think we're just supposed to

be naturally good at it

it's kind of like money it's like no one

really teaches you about finances and

then you come

to be an adult and you're like oh are we

supposed to learn that

did i miss the class on finances and so

many of us are

almost embarrassed to go looking for

relationship advice especially for guys

it's like dude you're reading a

book called the five love languages man

i didn't want to be caught dead reading

this in a coffee shop now i'm telling

you that not because i'm a relationship

expert my girlfriend would definitely

agree with that statement i'm telling

you that because no one's born

knowing how to be in a relationship with

someone and spend

that much time with someone hence

quarantine wanting to rip their heads

off right but man if you're gonna spend

a lot of time with someone get in a

relationship right or at least knowing

this stuff that we're talking about in

these kinds of videos

super important and so on that point

like where do we get our relationship

advice from knowing that most people

don't seek it out

we get it from television we get it from

movies and even growing up we're

programmed with like this disney fairy

tale of

this person really obsessed with another

person and then they're really obsessed

back

and that's what creates true love so in

this video i want to dispel that myth

and go really deep on it because i

actually think that

doing the opposite will get you better

results there's three main points in

this video and the first one is this

anytime you are over attached to

something

you actually get worse results not

better ones

now hear me out think about this in

terms of a

job interview we think that if we go

into a job interview

we're really wanting the job needing the

job we're super hungry

we're gonna perform better nine times

out of ten that just gets you in your

own head

you maybe don't act like yourself you're

maybe really nervous they pick up on

that and they're like what the heck is

wrong with this guy or girl

we think that if we want a good body you

know we just have to brainwash ourselves

with pictures of ripped people with

six-pack abs

but what's the problem there we're over

attached to it and anytime you look in

the mirror

now all of a sudden because you don't

have this you start beating yourself up

you start nitpicking every one of your

flaws you start seeing your love handles

even though other people can't even

notice that

it makes you feel less confidence not

more and now let's go back to the frame

that most people approach their

relationship with

or your crush with or the person you

want to date you're like if i'm really

interested in this person if i'm really

obsessed with

this person that's going to win them

over that's going to get them to like me

because i see it in the movies or i see

it

you know elsewhere or maybe i'm just i

can't control it i'm just so all in i'm

so

out of the gate just 100 out of 100. a

lot of times that energy doesn't

translate as passion or

interest it translates as you need

someone else to complete you

when you go after someone right and

you're chasing them

that also carries the energy of like

neediness

and almost insecurity so understand that

the more you pursue someone over and

over and over again

right though i mean we all know this

from a texting perspective right if

you're texting someone

and there's like five or six blue texts

from you

right and like one little white text or

green text

don't text anyone where it's on green

right that's your first red flag right

there

one text back what does that convey that

they're more important than you

that they're up here and you're down

here and so you're kind of like

looking up at them one of the most

repulsive things for people is neediness

is clinginess

unless they're an unhealthy person where

they like that and they're fueled on

that some people are

right that neediness is gonna translate

as a lack of confidence for you

now here is the second thing you really

need to understand

okay most people's idea of a

relationship is completely

flawed to begin with now here's the

thing i was reading this book

very long time ago this is osho he wrote

the book intimacy

he also ran a coal in oregon for what

it's worth so i don't know

but he had some good ideas in here minus

the coal osha says that there's three

types of love okay and most people go

after these two forms and they never get

to the third form which is the most

important one

the first form this is dependent love

this is where one person is down here

and the other person's value is up here

okay this is how most people approach

getting in a relationship with someone

or if you're obsessed with someone and

you keep checking your phone over and

over and over again

right and you feel like they're not

reciprocating or they're not texting you

back as fast or they're not

putting as much interest in you this is

this falls into the dependent category

one person has more interest than the

other okay and so he says that

dependence

is not really love it's one of the

lowest forms

because it masquerades as love but

ultimately it's not

because no one wants to be dependent on

right or if someone's in a relationship

and you're like the caretaker eventually

that role is going to get kind of old

of taking care of someone someone's

needs or financially or whatever

right if someone's really dependent on

you then you're not going to have as

much energy for yourself and that's

going to drain you over time so that's

the first kind

now the second kind and this is also

equally as in odds common

this is where both people are dependent

on

each other this is what we call

codependence

okay now some people want this some

people think that this is love like

if i need them as much as they need me

right here

and we can just you know be obsessed

with each other and get matching

t-shirts and you know hold hands 24 7 in

public

and ah just be obsessed all day long but

what happens

anyone who's been in a relationship

knows that maybe at the start you know

you have some of that right

and that's kind of the the passion at

the beginning

but then when that goes away a little

bit month two month three

and both of you are like oh no we're

that we're that you know obsession where

we have to do things 24 7 go together

people are like they freak out and they

want that back because it's like flashy

and it's what we see in romance films

and stuff

but that's not the deepest form of love

osha would say and if you look at any

marriage right it's not like

that the whole time i mean you go to

work they go to work you got kids

there's other things that take

priorities like people who've been

married 20 30 years

would look at that and laugh or maybe

you've been in a long-term relationship

before or

you're in one right and your friend

starts dating someone and within like a

month he's like dude she's the one he's

the one

you know we're obsessed over each other

and they like want to give you

relationship advice and you're like all

right you've been together for a month

give it like

six six months a year two years and

let's see who's talking now right

that you're looking at them and they're

in that codependent style relationship

again unavoidable at the start there's

nothing wrong there

but just know that that is almost more

of a

immature type of love okay and it's not

really the highest form

the highest form is this interdependence

okay this is where both people are

self-full enough

both people's value is right here it's

equal

and they choose to come together because

it's magnified

together one plus one together

equals three an entity which is your

relationship that

is the mature form of love we're going

to go deeper

but in an analogy to really paint this

picture

you're going you see a sunset like hey i

got this great place to watch the sunset

we're going to eat in and out burgers

we're going to watch it it's going to be

a great time so you drive up there

and you watch the sunset and instead of

watching the sunset

you're just staring at them the whole

time they're like dude watch the sun so

you're like no you're more beautiful

than the sunset

like how would you feel if someone did

that to you that'd be kind of creepy

right

that's the neediness that's the

dependent love some people

think that that is love that is not then

there's codependence

same situation right there sunset in and

out good time right

that's where both of you are like what

sunset i just want to look at you the

whole time no i want to look at you the

whole time let's take selfies oh my god

let's tweet about like you're not really

enjoying the thing right there in front

of you you're just

trying to like you know you're just

distracted by each other

that's the codependent style but the

third kind right here this is the

interdependence

it's where you're both sitting there

you're watching the sunset you're having

a good time

you know that the other person is there

with you because they're literally

sitting right next door right

you can feel them that it's fine but

you're both enjoying the moment together

you're both watching that sunset because

you know that they're there and you

trust that they're there

you're not going through your head like

do they love me or they watch it like

why aren't they paying attention to me

why

why don't they care about me why are

they distracted by this stupid sunset

like i should be more important than

this freaking sunset

you see my point those are the three

times of love but most people want those

first two because it's like an ego love

here's the biggest thing you need to

understand

the two most important needs we have all

right

you would say love is one of those right

yes

love is one of those love is one of

those needs you need it

you know if you don't love a baby up

until the age of like four or whatever

we're one of the only animals where you

can't survive on your own without the

love of a mother or love of a stranger

or people who are taking care of you

right you need people to do that that's

hardwired into us

but there's a need higher than love okay

now this is

very meta and very important for you to

understand

you know what that is freedom freedom is

higher is a higher need than love it

supersedes it

no one wants to be possessed they want

to be loved but they don't want to be

possessed

so if you come into a relationship or

you approach someone

with one of those first two types of

love right there codependence

or dependence one of you is trying to

possess the other person almost you're

trying to control them

and you hear people all the time i was

in a really controlling relationship

right or he's so controlling so let's

bring this all full circle now

we started this video by saying that

when you're over attached when you're

over obsessed with people that that

actually

pushes them away now you know why

because

there's three kinds of love dependence

codependence and interdependence these

two push people away

and even if they don't for the first six

weeks they will over six months six

years

it's not a good place to have a

relationship from okay

the reason is because people they don't

want to be possessed

intuitively you feel this they need the

need of love

but ultimately the need of freedom

supersedes their need of

love and any time you have these you're

taking away their freedom they will feel

that

and thus want to run away so they can be

free

this is why detachment right and

not detaching from someone okay but

detaching from the result

detaching from the idea of what you

think love has to look like right

being more go with the flow almost

caring less

about the outcomes of things definitely

gets you better results and i've seen

this time and time again in my life i'm

playing with this idea

in almost every area and it's one of the

most powerful ideas i've come across

recently this is one of the things we

speak about so much in my metamorphic

coaching program

just did a 10 week round with

some of the first founding members and

like two of them got new relationships

okay i knew one of them hadn't dated in

like 15 years

and when you start shifting into this

2.0 version of you right which we help

you create

and shift into so it doesn't feel fake

or vague it's just natural of who you

are

you start to notice you raise yourself

up and then everything in your life all

the people all the opportunities that

come to you

are higher as well because they're on

the same level and remember you attract

what you are not what you want

so if you're interested in creating the

two point of view of having an identity

shift what i'll do now

is i'll link down below just a free like

30 minute video you don't even have to

subscribe to anything i'm not going to

ask you to buy anything at the end of it

okay

just telling you a bit more about that

process if that's

if you're curious about it and then as

well at the end of that video if you

want

you can apply for this program to have a

call with myself or someone

and we'll tell you a little bit more

about that and if it even makes sense

for you

thanks so much for watching until next

time stop settling start living

see ya