If Your Ex Was An Avoidant, Watch This

Summary

In this video, conscious breakup coach Nancy Ruth Dean discusses the avoidant attachment style. She contrasts it with secure and anxious attachment styles, explaining that avoidant individuals often struggle with intimacy due to neglect in their early lives. They tend to avoid emotional closeness, which can cause friction with anxiously attached partners who crave constant reassurance. Dean emphasizes that neither attachment style is inherently bad but stresses the importance of self-awareness and seeking securely attached partners to foster healthier relationships. She shares personal insights and suggests ways to build intimacy in relationships with avoidant partners.

Takeaways

• 😊 Avoidant attachment style involves a deep fear of intimacy and an 'it's me against the world' mentality due to early neglect or inconsistency in emotional needs being met.
• 📚 Much of the information shared is based on the book 'Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find and Keep Love,' a recommended read for anyone interested in attachment theory.
• 💡 Secure attachment occurs when a child’s emotional and physical needs are consistently met, making them trust the world and feel safe.
• 🤔 Anxious attachment style develops from inconsistent care in childhood, leading to a fear of abandonment and a strong craving for intimacy and reassurance.
• ⚖️ Avoidant and anxious attachment styles often attract each other, creating a dynamic where one partner fears intimacy while the other fears abandonment.
• 🙅 Avoidantly attached individuals tend to struggle with emotional closeness and self-reflection, which can make relationships difficult, especially with anxiously attached partners.
• 🛠️ For anxious individuals, it is crucial to seek partners who are securely attached, as they provide the emotional stability and intimacy needed for a healthy relationship.
• ❤️ People with avoidant attachment are not inherently bad; they simply have different emotional responses shaped by their past, which might make intimacy challenging.
• 👩‍❤️‍👨 With effort and awareness, relationships between anxious and avoidantly attached individuals can work, but it requires commitment and understanding from both parties.
• 💬 Those with avoidant attachment may not engage in deep self-reflection or personal development in the same way anxious individuals do, making communication and progress in the relationship more complex.

Q & A

What is the purpose of Nancy Ruth Dean's video?

The purpose of Nancy Ruth Dean's video is to provide an overview of the avoidant attachment style and help viewers, either avoidantly attached or those who recently left a relationship with someone who has an avoidant attachment style, better understand attachment dynamics.

What is the difference between secure and avoidant attachment styles?

Securely attached individuals receive consistent emotional and physical support from their caregivers, leading them to trust the world and feel safe. In contrast, avoidantly attached individuals experience neglect or inconsistent care, which makes them avoid intimacy and rely only on themselves.

How do anxiously attached individuals differ from avoidantly attached individuals?

Anxiously attached individuals crave intimacy and fear abandonment, often becoming clingy or needy. In contrast, avoidantly attached individuals fear intimacy and prefer emotional distance, seeing it as overwhelming.

Why do anxious and avoidant attachment styles often attract each other?

Anxiously attached individuals' fear of abandonment attracts avoidantly attached individuals because the avoidant person’s fear of intimacy complements the anxious person's desire for closeness, creating a push-pull dynamic in relationships.

What might cause someone to develop an avoidant attachment style?

Avoidant attachment often develops due to repetitive neglect, inconsistent emotional support, or caregivers who were themselves avoidantly attached or dealing with issues like addiction, leading the child to believe they cannot rely on others for emotional or physical support.

Why do avoidantly attached people often get a bad reputation in relationships?

Avoidantly attached individuals can get a bad reputation because they struggle with intimacy, often pulling away when their partner needs emotional closeness, which can create frustration and anxiety for partners, especially those who are anxiously attached.

Can avoidantly attached individuals form healthy relationships?

Yes, avoidantly attached individuals can form healthy relationships, but it requires effort from both partners. The avoidant partner needs to be willing to work on building intimacy, and a securely attached partner can help support this process.

Why is self-reflection less common among avoidantly attached individuals?

Avoidantly attached individuals often avoid self-reflection because it requires confronting past emotional pain or neglect, which they tend to suppress. This makes them less likely to engage in personal development or introspective activities.

What is the role of a securely attached partner in helping someone with anxious attachment?

A securely attached partner can provide consistent emotional support, helping the anxiously attached person feel more stable and secure, even though the fear of abandonment may still linger.

What is Nancy Ruth Dean’s personal experience with attachment styles?

Nancy Ruth Dean shares that her father was avoidantly attached, which influenced her passion for understanding attachment styles. She also experienced anxious attachment in her past relationships, leading her to work on personal development before finding a secure relationship with her husband.

Outlines

00:00

💡 Introduction to Avoidant Attachment Styles

In this introductory section, Nancy Ruth Dean, a conscious breakup coach, welcomes viewers and introduces the topic of avoidant attachment styles. She explains that people watching might either identify with avoidant attachment or have experienced a relationship with someone who exhibits this style. Dean bases her discussion on the book 'Attached,' which explores attachment theory, and she emphasizes that the video will provide a brief overview of avoidant attachment. She also highlights secure attachment, where individuals had their emotional and physical needs consistently met, allowing them to trust and feel safe in the world.

05:02

🤲 The Impact of Anxious Attachment Style

This section focuses on anxious attachment styles, explaining how individuals with this style often experienced inconsistent love and attention from their caregivers. As a result, they developed fears of abandonment and tend to crave intimacy, becoming clingy or needy in relationships. Dean contrasts this with avoidant attachment, where individuals feel self-reliant and avoid emotional closeness due to childhood neglect or distant caregivers. She briefly touches on her personal experience with an avoidantly attached parent, which shaped her career focus.

10:04

💔 The Dynamic Between Anxious and Avoidant Attachment

Dean elaborates on the relationship dynamic between anxiously and avoidantly attached individuals, explaining that the former's need for intimacy and constant reassurance triggers the latter's fear of intimacy, causing them to withdraw. This push-pull dynamic is common, leading to frustration for both partners. She notes that anxiously attached individuals often wonder why their avoidant partners withdraw just when they need closeness the most, and Dean ties these patterns back to attachment theory.

⚖️ Misunderstanding Avoidant Attachment in Relationships

Here, Dean addresses common misconceptions about avoidant attachment. Avoidantly attached individuals are not 'bad people,' but their tendency to avoid intimacy can be challenging in relationships, especially for anxious partners. Drawing from her personal growth journey, Dean shares her past struggles in relationships with avoidant partners and her determination to find someone who could meet her emotional needs. She explains that avoidant individuals may either have few friends or many shallow connections, and they often avoid conflict due to a lack of self-reflection.

🔎 Avoidant Attachment and Lack of Self-Reflection

This segment dives deeper into the avoidant individual's lack of self-reflection. While anxiously attached individuals may seek personal development through books and videos, avoidantly attached individuals often avoid such introspection. Their fear of intimacy and emotional vulnerability means they tend to withdraw from deeper self-analysis, focusing instead on maintaining distance. Dean explains how this difference in self-awareness and emotional processing makes relationships with avoidant partners more complex for anxiously attached individuals.

🧠 The Impact of Fear and Intimacy on Avoidantly Attached Partners

Dean continues to explore how avoidant individuals' fear of intimacy affects their ability to engage in close, emotional relationships. She discusses the difficulty of establishing deep connections with avoidant partners and how this dynamic leaves anxious partners feeling like something essential is missing. The section also touches briefly on sexual intimacy, noting that while avoidant individuals may be passionate, this doesn't necessarily indicate emotional openness. The overall message is that emotional closeness is often inaccessible with avoidantly attached partners.

💪 Empowerment Through Self-Awareness and Secure Attachment

This section emphasizes the importance of self-awareness for anxiously attached individuals. Dean encourages them to seek securely attached partners who can provide the stability and support they need. She reassures viewers that avoidant attachment isn't something people choose, and there shouldn't be shame around it. Instead, anxiously attached individuals can empower themselves by recognizing what they need in a relationship and making conscious choices about the partners they select.

💍 Personal Growth and the Path to Secure Attachment

Dean shares her personal journey toward feeling secure in her marriage, though she acknowledges that her attachment wounds have not disappeared. She stresses the importance of having a partner who can support you through emotional challenges and attachment fears. Avoidantly attached individuals, in contrast, often struggle to offer this kind of support, making it essential for anxious partners to recognize when they need to move on from relationships that don't meet their emotional needs.

🌿 Compassion for Avoidantly Attached Individuals

Dean wraps up by encouraging compassion for avoidantly attached individuals, noting that attachment styles are not chosen but shaped by early experiences. She explains that avoidantly attached people often benefit from relationships with securely attached partners, who can help them overcome their fears of intimacy. Dean emphasizes that both partners must work toward building intimacy in a relationship, and anxiously attached individuals must recognize when their avoidant partners are not making the necessary efforts.

❤️ Closing Thoughts and the Importance of Understanding Attachment

In her closing remarks, Dean reflects on the importance of understanding attachment styles and having compassion for avoidantly attached partners. She urges viewers to communicate openly about their needs and to be mindful of their partner's willingness to work on the relationship. While it may be challenging, there are ways to build intimacy with avoidant partners if both individuals are committed to the process. Dean invites viewers to share their experiences and continue the conversation around attachment.

Keywords

💡Avoidant Attachment Style

Avoidant attachment style refers to individuals who struggle with intimacy and tend to pull away from emotional closeness. In the video, the speaker explains that avoidantly attached people often grew up in environments where their emotional needs were neglected, leading them to believe they can only rely on themselves. This manifests in relationships as a fear of emotional closeness and a tendency to avoid deep connections.

💡Anxious Attachment Style

Anxious attachment style is characterized by a deep fear of abandonment and an excessive craving for intimacy. People with this attachment style often feel insecure in relationships and seek constant reassurance. In the video, the speaker discusses how individuals with this attachment style tend to be drawn to avoidantly attached partners, which can create a cycle of unmet emotional needs and fear.

💡Secure Attachment

Secure attachment refers to a healthy attachment style where individuals are able to form balanced, trusting, and stable relationships. In the video, the speaker describes how securely attached individuals had their emotional needs consistently met during childhood, allowing them to trust others and feel safe in relationships. This is highlighted as the ideal attachment style for both personal well-being and fulfilling relationships.

💡Fear of Intimacy

Fear of intimacy is a common characteristic of avoidant attachment, where individuals are uncomfortable with emotional closeness and may withdraw from deep connections. In the video, the speaker explains that this fear stems from childhood experiences of neglect, causing avoidantly attached people to avoid emotional vulnerability in adulthood, which can be challenging for their partners.

💡Fear of Abandonment

Fear of abandonment is a core issue for individuals with an anxious attachment style. This fear arises from inconsistent emotional support during childhood, leading to clinginess and a constant need for reassurance in adult relationships. The video highlights how this fear often drives anxious partners to pursue intimacy, which can overwhelm avoidantly attached partners, creating tension.

💡Emotional Neglect

Emotional neglect refers to a lack of emotional support or responsiveness during childhood. In the video, the speaker explains how avoidantly attached individuals often experience repetitive emotional neglect, either due to parental absence, addiction, or emotional unavailability. This neglect teaches them to suppress emotional needs and avoid seeking closeness in relationships.

💡Personal Development

Personal development refers to the process of self-improvement, particularly in understanding one's emotional patterns and attachment style. The speaker discusses her own journey of personal development, where she worked on understanding her anxious attachment style and sought healthier relationships. This concept is framed as a key step for individuals who wish to improve their relationship dynamics.

💡Attachment Theory

Attachment theory is a psychological framework that explains how early relationships with caregivers shape an individual's ability to form relationships throughout life. The video heavily references this theory to explain the various attachment styles, particularly focusing on avoidant and anxious attachments. The speaker draws from the book 'Attached' to provide insights into how these styles influence adult romantic relationships.

💡Inconsistent Parenting

Inconsistent parenting refers to caregivers providing love and attention in an unpredictable or unreliable manner, leading to confusion and insecurity in the child. In the video, the speaker explains how children who experience inconsistent parenting may develop anxious attachment styles, as they grow up never knowing when they will receive love and thus become preoccupied with seeking emotional closeness.

💡Self-Reflection

Self-reflection involves examining one's thoughts, behaviors, and emotional patterns to gain self-awareness. The speaker notes that individuals with an anxious attachment style tend to engage in extensive self-reflection, often seeking personal growth and understanding. In contrast, avoidantly attached individuals typically avoid self-reflection, as it forces them to confront painful emotional experiences they prefer to suppress.

Highlights

Introduction to avoidant attachment style and why people might be interested in learning about it.

Explanation of secure attachment: needs met emotionally and physically during childhood, leading to trust and freedom in adulthood.

Anxious attachment style overview: developed from inconsistent love, leading to fear of abandonment and a craving for intimacy.

Avoidant attachment style explained: belief that they cannot rely on others, rooted in repetitive neglect or emotionally unavailable caregivers.

The dynamic between anxiously attached and avoidantly attached partners: how the fear of abandonment and fear of intimacy interact.

People with avoidant attachment styles are not inherently bad, but their behavior can be damaging in relationships if not understood.

Avoidant attachment people struggle with intimacy and self-reflection, often becoming defensive and avoiding closeness.

Personal reflection: the speaker shares her experience of dating avoidantly attached partners and how it affected her emotionally.

Common traits of avoidantly attached people: limited close friendships or superficial relationships, struggles with conflict and intimacy.

Importance of finding a securely attached partner for those with anxious attachment to achieve stability and security.

Avoidantly attached people may not engage in self-reflection or personal development to the same extent as anxiously attached individuals.

Partners need to work together to build intimacy, with avoidantly attached people needing to make an effort to be present.

Partners who are avoidantly attached must want to improve for any intimacy-building process to succeed.

The book 'Attached' is frequently recommended as a resource for understanding attachment styles and navigating relationships.

Conclusion encourages compassion for avoidantly attached people and invites viewers to reflect on their own attachment styles.

Transcripts

hey there welcome back to my YouTube

channel my name is Nancy Ruth Dean I'm a

conscious breakup coach and today we are

talking about the avoidant attachment

style either you are watching this

because you yourself believe that you

might be avoidantly attached and you

want to know more about that or you

might be anxiously attached and just got

out of a relationship with somebody who

shows a lot of signs of avoidant

attachment and you just want to get more

resources you just want to learn more

this is going to be a shorter video just

to help you kind of dip your toes in the

water get a better sense but a lot of

what I'm going to be sharing with you is

from the book attach the new science

about attachment and how it can help you

find and keep love such a great book

um I recommend it to every single person

I work with if you've been following my

videos you know that I have been talking

about this book

so what does it mean to be avoidantly

attached well let's first talk about

what it means to be securely attached so

somebody that has a secure attachment

got their needs met both emotionally

physically if they cried their parents

picked them up they got attention they

got affection they felt like they could

really rely on their parents to be

responsive for their caregivers to be

responsive when they were in need they

grew up learning to trust the world

things were not so scary and they could

be free to spread their wings and knew

that they always had a safety net

but for those who have an anxious

attachment style yes we'll get to the

avoidant but those with an anxious

attachment Style

actually felt a level of inconsistency

with their love so they may have one or

more parents who gave them love but

maybe it wasn't to the extent that they

wanted maybe they had a really busy

parent and their parent just was unable

to give them all of that love or spend

that much time so they got some love but

it was very inconsistent and they grew

up just not knowing when they would get

that love and so they developed this

undercurrent of fear of Abandonment and

they tend to be like the clingy and the

needy version of the attachment style

we'll say like adding that label

and they want a lot of intimacy they

really crave intimacy as a result of

that inconsistency that they got when

they were young they now have this

almost like emotional hunger that they

consistently crave and

putting that aside for now we're going

to come back to that talking about

avoidantly attached people

what we really want to learn here is

that they have this undercurrent of you

know it's me against the world I cannot

rely on anybody I cannot rely on

anyone's support and I also don't really

give support either because I just don't

even know what that's like they have a

really deep sphere of intimacy and for

them this happened because they

experienced repetitive neglect maybe a

parent had an addiction or

were avoidantly attached themselves in

some way the child interpreted and grew

up that they could not rely on their

parents to support their emotional or

physical needs or maybe they had a

parent who just provided the physical

needs but did not provide anything

beyond that

uh I relate to that very deeply I would

say that my dad is very classically

avoidant and I think he has also his

classic avoidance has inspired me to

fall madly in love with attachment

Styles and helping women with anxious

attachment Styles so that's a little

side note about me but

what happens is we tend to people who

have anxious attachment Styles tend to

get in relationships with people with

avoidant attachment Styles because guess

what

the fear of Abandonment from the

anxiously attached partner

attracts the avoidantly attached partner

due to their fear of intimacy so

somebody with an anxious attachment

style when they feel like they need

they're craving that intimacy and that

constant communication and that constant

reassurance

they're they're wanting it from their

avoidantly attached partner well guess

what happens they're avoidantly attached

partner wants to step back because that

energy that emotional intimacy is

overwhelming for them so they pull away

so if you've dated somebody and you're

like why is it that I almost have this

sixth sense that when I almost need them

to be

fully there for me they're they're

unable to or why is it that I can date

people for a few weeks and then they

pull away well attachment Theory

attachment Styles might explain that

so people who have an avoidant

attachment style they are not bad people

but sometimes what can happen is they

can get a bad rep specifically because

of how they show up in relationships

because if we're people who have an

anxious attachment style and we don't

know we're dating somebody with an

avoidant attachment style it can be

quite damaging because the fears that

are playing out on a consistent regular

basis

is a lot to to deal with and as somebody

like I've shared I have had to do a lot

of work around me being anxiously

attached I'm now married but before I

found my husband I was very much on this

like personal development era of mine

where I was determined to figure out

like what was going on for me and why

did I keep dating avoidantly attached

partners because I really felt in my

heart of hearts that I deserved somebody

who could meet my needs that made me

feel stable where I didn't have to walk

on eggshells anymore but why is it that

I always attracted people who struggled

with commitment and people who made me

feel like a part-time girlfriend when I

wanted to be a wife and I wanted to

build a life together

what can happen when we're dating

somebody who's avoidantly attached is

because they have a fear of intimacy

there's a fear of this consistency being

able to be all in they might have

um not a ton of friends because it could

like having that closeness might not be

a thing or it can quite very well be the

opposite where they have a lot of

friends but they don't really go deep

with them at all they might struggle

with conflict because they tend to get

quite defensive because

because of the repetitive

nature of continuously not getting their

needs met when they were young

it was so painful for them that they put

it like at the back of their psyche and

they just don't do self-reflection

anymore and not to say that they can't

do any self-reflection but they don't do

a lot of it the way somebody anxiously

attached would right when we're

anxiously attached to talk about this

because I am a breakup coach I we tend

to go into like our personal development

era we tend to read all the books hours

of YouTube like all the time and then

somebody who hasn't avoidant attachment

style it's just not super into that

because self-reflection for them isn't

really something they want to spend

their time doing

so they don't dwell they tend to get a

little bit more defensive

um closeness and intimacy like I've been

sharing just that fear of intimacy

pushes them away from being able to

I guess experience that depth almost

and it's tough because when you have a

partner who either is secure anxiously

attached but they want to go deep and

that's just not available for somebody

avoidantly attached it can feel like

that closeness is not accessible like

you feel like there's something missing

here right and when I'm talking about

intimacy I'm not even talking about sex

but you might be wondering like okay

where does sex play into this some it

depends on the person like some people

can have a very

intimately

how do I say this it looks like they

have really good closeness and intimacy

because they're very passionate when it

comes to sex or they could be quite

removed right that depends on the person

but we can't assume that because

somebody is like more open and free in

the bedroom means that they're open and

free in their hearts as well but

sometimes that can be the case right so

I'm not going to be talking like a whole

lot about that because that's

um

I want to talk more about the overall

way that that a partner might be showing

up if they're avoidantly attached but I

think it's important to remember that

people who do have an avoidant

attachment style they didn't pick their

attachment style and they should not be

ashamed for their attachment style where

there is power and empowerment is for

people who are anxiously attached to

determine who is it that they want to

date from this moment forward if you

have the awareness and you really feel

that you are anxiously attached you

really could benefit from being with a

partner who is securely attached

and there are different signs to show if

somebody is securely attached but time

is also what's going to determine that

and it's important for us as anxiously

attached people

to be aware of like what we do want in a

partner and and where we can't

compromise anymore because

avoidantly attached Partners can play

out our deepest fears unless we

figure out a way to get to secure

attachment which I don't personally I

don't think is fully possible unless you

are born that way or unless you have a

partner who could help establish that

with you for me now being married I can

tell you that I feel incredibly

incredibly secure

but my fear of Abandonment my attachment

wounds like they have not left

but I've had my partner so beautifully

support me through it

so I don't want to sit here and be like

I'm 100 healed like it doesn't work that

way it's important for us to find

Partners who are really committed to

supporting us through our wounds and

sometimes when we date people who are

poignantly attached they're not about

that as you probably have learned or

experienced or know from being

avoidantly attached that that's just not

your bag and that's okay again the power

is knowing what you what you want what's

important to you and saying yes when

saying yes to Partners that that you do

feel can support you because they are

securely attached and saying no to

Partners that maybe you do have solid

chemistry with but you know they cannot

hold you and support you through this

um relationship that you crave and

desire most

so it is not about saying you know

avoidantly attached people are bad

because they're rude and they don't want

any intimacy no I have friends who are

avoidantly attached and I am obsessed

with them like I love them so much

because of what I've learned throughout

the years I I have learned in my own

unique way to really appreciate them for

who they are and what they bring to the

table and I every whenever they have a

relationship and it's working and it

feels very healthy I always know they're

with a securely attached partner and so

people who have an avoidant attachment

so I'll also need to move towards

somebody who has a secure attachment

because the last thing we want is to be

with Partners who play out our deepest

fears and don't really want to resolve

it or are unable to resolve it and

sometimes those are one and the same for

us who are anxiously attached

learning when our partner

could want to

help themselves but don't really show

any Improvement we need to kind of

really think about that if I'm being

honest with you

um I love in the book where it does say

that you know if if of course you've got

kids and you've got a family with

somebody who is avoidantly attached you

know you're not just gonna go and leave

that partner of course not you're gonna

learn ways that you're avoidantly

attached partner can move towards the

kind of intimacy that you need without

becoming overwhelmingly flooded so if

you are in a relationship with somebody

who is avoidantly attached there are

ways to build intimacy that will work

for you but it will take some some very

strong efforts on both of your parts

your avoidant partner has to want to

work on it right and so that's something

also very important to recognize because

as avoidantly attached to Partners we

tend to want to put in 200 of the work

and we have this thing where we learn

everything there is to know about

avoidance our avoidantly attached

partners and we go and we send the books

they don't read the books we have these

conversations and they turn around and

don't do anything about it right and

again it's that piece about

self-reflection they might do a little

bit of it but the sheer fact that you

could send them a book and believe that

they would want to read it that is an

act in and of itself of intimacy which

is why they're probably turning that

away

so that is that's my video for today I

think I'm going to stop it here let me

know what you think do are you finding

in your hearts like a place of of a part

of you that does have compassion for

people with an avoidant attachment style

or are you watching this and you're

avoidantly attached and want to share

any additional insight to this and

what's been helpful for you on your

journey thank you so much for tuning in

and I will see you in my next video