L’intelligence amoureuse ou la mission du couple | Florentine D'AULNOIS-WANG | TEDxNarbonne

Summary

This script narrates a couple's journey through love and conflict, highlighting the transformative power of understanding and addressing childhood 'bruises' that affect adult relationships. It emphasizes the importance of communication and the Imago couple workshop that helped them reconnect with their innate 'wonder' and navigate daily life challenges, ultimately turning conflicts into opportunities for growth and deeper connection.

Takeaways

• 💑 Love at first sight: The narrator fell in love instantly upon seeing the essence of the person they visited, highlighting the power of a single moment in forming a deep connection.
• 🌧️ Unexpected beginnings: The narrator's encounter with their love was accidental, showing that love can happen when least expected, even during a simple act like drying wet hair from the rain.
• 🔄 Complementary differences: The couple's contrasting personalities, such as the narrator's spontaneous and messy nature versus their partner's organized and meticulous lifestyle, initially attracted them to each other.
• 🚫 Clash of lifestyles: Over time, the same differences that attracted them became sources of conflict, illustrating the challenge of maintaining a relationship as the initial infatuation fades.
• 💔 The reality of relationships: The script debunks the myth of 'happily ever after' and the idea of finding a 'Charming Prince,' emphasizing that love requires ongoing work and effort.
• 🛠️ The power of workshops: The couple's participation in an Imago couple workshop was a turning point, demonstrating the effectiveness of external tools and guidance in resolving relationship issues.
• 🌟 Embracing our 'wonder': The concept of being born as 'wonders' full of potential and having the ability to connect or be in our bubble is introduced, encouraging self-acceptance and growth.
• 🧊 The 'Theory of the freezer': The metaphor of a freezer is used to describe how parts of our identity and vitality can be metaphorically 'frozen' due to life's challenges, affecting our ability to love fully.
• 📚 Childhood's impact: The script discusses how childhood experiences can lead to 'psychiatrices' or 'psychic scars,' which can influence our behavior and reactions in adult relationships.
• 🔄 Healing through conflict: Conflicts are presented as opportunities for growth and healing, rather than problems, suggesting that they can be catalysts for positive change in a relationship.
• 🗓️ The importance of communication: The couple learned to make appointments for important conversations, emphasizing the need for deliberate and structured communication in a relationship.

Q & A

What is the significance of the 'one second' mentioned in the script?

The 'one second' signifies the immediate and profound connection the speaker felt upon seeing the essence of the person they fell in love with, highlighting the concept of love at first sight.

How does the speaker describe the initial attraction between the couple?

The speaker describes the initial attraction as a mutual and intense falling in love, with both parties seeing each other as wonders and being fascinated by each other's differences.

What is the 'Theory of the freezer' mentioned in the script?

The 'Theory of the freezer' is a metaphor for the emotional compartments within us where we store parts of our identity or emotions that we have suppressed or 'frozen' due to past experiences or traumas.

How did the speaker's childhood experiences shape their adult relationships?

The speaker's childhood experiences, particularly the lack of structure and the freedom to improvise, influenced their adult relationships by making them value spontaneity and resist the partner's need for order and planning.

What role did the couple's differing backgrounds play in their relationship dynamics?

The differing backgrounds led to conflicts and misunderstandings, as the speaker's free-spirited nature clashed with the partner's preference for order and planning, which were rooted in their respective upbringings.

What was the turning point for the couple in their relationship?

The turning point was attending an Imago couple workshop, which helped them understand each other better, communicate more effectively, and address the underlying issues in their relationship.

How did the couple address their recurring conflicts?

The couple addressed their conflicts by engaging in deep conversations, making appointments to discuss issues, and using the conflicts as opportunities for growth and understanding their childhood wounds.

What is the significance of the 'photo album' metaphor in the script?

The 'photo album' metaphor represents the mental images and expectations we form in childhood about relationships, which later influence the type of partner we choose and how we react in relationships.

What is the speaker's view on the common myths about love and relationships?

The speaker believes that common myths like 'happily ever after' and the 'Charming Prince' are hoaxes that prevent people from understanding that love requires work and active participation in a relationship.

How does the speaker define the purpose of being in a relationship?

The speaker defines the purpose of being in a relationship as an initiatory journey to become whole again, to thaw the frozen parts of oneself, and to heal the 'bruises of the soul' from childhood.

What advice does the speaker give for dealing with conflicts in a relationship?

The speaker advises to view conflicts as opportunities for growth, to sit down, breathe, connect, and engage in a relational meditation to understand and heal the underlying issues.

Outlines

00:00

💞 The Instantaneous Love and Life's Transition

The speaker recounts a love story that began 20 years ago with a chance encounter during a rainstorm. The initial attraction was immediate and profound, with both parties seeing the 'wonder' in each other. However, as time passed, the differences in their lifestyles—tidiness versus spontaneity—began to cause friction. Despite the challenges, their love persisted, but the day-to-day struggles led to feelings of desperation and thoughts of separation. The speaker emphasizes that the fairy tale notion of 'happily ever after' is a myth and that love requires consistent work and effort.

05:00

🧊 The Theory of the Freezer: Unfreezing Emotional Blocks

This paragraph delves into the 'Theory of the Freezer,' a metaphor for the emotional parts of ourselves that we suppress or 'freeze' due to past experiences or traumas. The speaker uses personal anecdotes to illustrate how childhood events can lead to the suppression of natural instincts, such as curiosity, to avoid conflict. The speaker also explains how these 'frozen' parts can affect adult relationships, causing individuals to be attracted to partners who can help them confront and 'unfreeze' these suppressed emotions. The paragraph concludes with the idea that love has the power to heal these emotional wounds when both partners work together to address and understand their deep-seated needs.

10:03

🔄 Transformative Conflicts and the Journey to Wholeness

The final paragraph discusses the transformative power of conflict within relationships. The speaker argues that conflicts are not problems but opportunities for growth and self-improvement. By using tools and awareness, couples can turn the 'lead' of conflict into the 'gold' of personal development. The speaker shares their personal journey of resolving conflicts with their partner, which involved confronting childhood issues and 'unfreezing' suppressed emotions. The paragraph concludes with the idea that being in a relationship is a journey that can lead to a fuller, more alive version of oneself, and the speaker invites the audience to embrace the challenges and joys of this journey.

Keywords

💡Wonder

The term 'wonder' in the context of this video refers to the innate beauty and potential within each individual. It is used to describe the initial perception of one's partner when falling in love, as well as the inherent qualities that make each person special. The video emphasizes that recognizing and embracing this 'wonder' is crucial to personal growth and the health of a relationship. For example, the speaker mentions seeing the 'wonder' in her partner and being seen as a 'wonder' by him, which signifies the mutual admiration and acceptance of each other's essence.

💡Imago Relationship Therapy

Imago Relationship Therapy is a type of couples therapy mentioned in the script that focuses on creating a conscious, loving, and respectful relationship. The therapy is based on the idea of 'Imago,' which is Latin for 'image,' suggesting that we are drawn to partners who represent the image of our caregivers from childhood. In the video, the speaker describes how attending an Imago couple workshop helped them to understand and address the underlying issues in their relationship, transforming it from a state of conflict to a more harmonious and connected partnership.

💡Childhood Bruises

'Childhood Bruises' in the video is a metaphor for the emotional and psychological scars that individuals carry from their early life experiences. These 'bruises' can affect how people perceive themselves and interact with others, particularly in intimate relationships. The speaker uses this term to illustrate how unresolved childhood issues can resurface in adult relationships, causing conflict and pain. For instance, the speaker talks about 'freezing' parts of themselves due to childhood experiences, which later became points of tension in their relationship.

💡Freezer Theory

The 'Freezer Theory' is a concept introduced in the video that describes the psychological process of suppressing or 'freezing' parts of one's personality or emotions as a coping mechanism, often stemming from childhood. This theory is used to explain how individuals may unconsciously bury aspects of themselves that are perceived as problematic or not acceptable, leading to incomplete self-expression and potential relationship issues. The speaker refers to this theory when discussing how both she and her partner had to confront and 'thaw' out their frozen parts to achieve a more authentic and fulfilling relationship.

💡Conflict

In the video, 'conflict' is presented not as a negative aspect of a relationship but as an opportunity for growth and transformation. The speaker argues that conflicts arise from the interaction of unresolved childhood issues and can be a catalyst for self-discovery and healing. By addressing conflicts with understanding and communication, couples can turn them into positive experiences that strengthen their bond. The script provides examples of how the couple used to argue over issues like messiness and planning, but later learned to use these conflicts as a means to understand and heal each other's 'childhood bruises.'

💡Personal Photo Album

The 'Personal Photo Album' is a metaphor used in the video to describe the mental images or 'photographs' that individuals create of their caregivers and significant others from their childhood. These images influence the type of partners people are attracted to in adulthood. The speaker explains that falling in love with someone who resembles the figures in their 'photo album' can lead to both positive and negative reactions in a relationship, as it triggers the emotional responses associated with those early attachments.

💡Tidiness

'Tidiness' in the video represents one of the contrasting traits between the speaker and her partner. It is used to illustrate how different upbringings and personal preferences can lead to conflicts in a relationship. The speaker's partner values tidiness as a sign of love and order, while the speaker herself comes from a background where messiness was associated with freedom and joy. This difference in values initially caused tension between them but later became a point of mutual understanding and acceptance.

💡Improvisation

'Improvisation' is presented as a life approach that the speaker values, which is characterized by spontaneity and flexibility. It contrasts with her partner's preference for planning and organization. The video uses this term to highlight the differences in personality and lifestyle that can exist between partners and how these differences can be a source of both attraction and conflict. The speaker's 'last minute' side and her tendency to improvise were initially seen as charming by her partner but later became a point of contention.

💡Couple's Mission

The 'Couple's Mission' as described in the video is the joint purpose of partners in a relationship to help each other heal and grow, ultimately becoming their best selves. This mission involves recognizing and addressing the 'childhood bruises' that each partner carries and supporting each other in overcoming these issues. The speaker emphasizes that fulfilling this mission requires work, communication, and a commitment to understanding and healing, rather than simply relying on the initial 'crazy love' that brought them together.

💡Relational Meditation

In the context of the video, 'relational meditation' refers to a process of deep communication and introspection that the couple engages in to address the root causes of their conflicts. It is likened to meditation in that it requires focus, presence, and a non-judgmental attitude. The speaker describes this process as a way to safely explore and release the emotional 'cries' from their past, allowing them to heal and move forward in their relationship. This practice is an integral part of their journey towards self-discovery and mutual understanding.

Highlights

The narrator fell in love at first sight, captivated by the essence and beauty of the man's being.

A spontaneous and happy childhood contrasts with the man's organized and meticulous lifestyle.

The initial attraction between the couple was based on their differences, which later became a source of conflict.

The couple's relationship evolved from passionate love to the challenges of daily life.

The realization that traditional fairy tales about love and marriage are often misleading.

The couple attended an Imago couple workshop that significantly improved their relationship.

The workshop introduced practices like pausing, slowing down, and breathing to enhance understanding and interaction.

The concept of 'enrollment in love' is introduced, emphasizing the importance of rebirth and potential in relationships.

The 'Theory of the freezer' explains how individuals freeze parts of themselves due to life's challenges.

The idea that we carry 'psychiatrices' or psychic scars from our past that affect our present relationships.

The process of creating a personal photo album of traits from childhood that influence adult relationships.

The power of love to both heal and trigger the 'bruises' or unresolved issues from one's past.

The importance of correctly identifying the real enemy in a relationship, which is often one's own childhood wounds.

The mission of a couple is to help each other become whole and alive again, thawing out the frozen parts.

The metaphor of the tingling sensation after touching snow to describe the pain of healing and coming back to life.

The practice of scheduling appointments with one's partner to navigate through emotional journeys.

The concept that conflict is not a problem but an opportunity for growth and transformation in a relationship.

The idea that conflicts are gifts wrapped in unattractive packaging, representing the potential for personal growth.

The use of relational meditation to safely explore and release childhood wounds within the context of a relationship.

The transformative journey of the couple, learning to embrace and love each other's past and present selves.

The narrator's invitation to embrace the initiatory journey of being in a relationship and to live fully.

Transcripts

Translator: Fadi Moris Kafa Reviewer: Hélène Vernet

One second.

It took me one second.

I entered his apartment.

He was cooking and was standing in his kitchen.

Along the wall was a recipe book.

He was weighing potatoes that were already peeled,

to cook a potato gratin.

He was weighing peeled potatoes.

One second!

In one second, I saw his essence, the beauty of his being.

I was in love.

It was twenty years ago.

I was passing by his house unexpectedly. it was raining. My hair was soaked.

So I started spreading happily the content of my bag

on his couch to dry it.

You'd have seen the content of my bag!

One second!

In one second, he also fell head over heels for me.

I saw him in his wonder, and I saw him as a wonder.

Until the day his tidy apartment, his tendency to organize everything,

and the well planned weeks,

started to really get on my nerves.

I came from a very free and happily messy childhood.

At home, for example, at the moment of eating,

we opened the fridge, took what were inside and put it in the oven,

and it delighted everyone who were there.

So can you imagine me weighing potatoes that were already peeled?

And this guy loved it so much.

Twenty years ago, he loved so much my "last minute" side,

my tendency to improvise,

my things scattered everywhere in the apartment,

life.

He saw me as a wonder, and he saw me in my wonder,

until the day he started to feel what a rubbish it was to live like that.

And gradually, like all the couples in the world,

we switched from a crazy love to a more difficult daily life.

Does it speak to you?

Ten years later, we had three children, a house, our jobs,

and a lot of pain together,

enervating moments where each theme goes into a spin.

When we weren't together,

I really felt love for him, and I cared about him.

But as soon as we'd discuss a subject, we'd fail to get along.

I felt desperate. I was terrified.

And I began to think about separation.

It was a nightmare.

Does this speaks to you?

"They got married, were happy and had many children" is a hoax.

All that stuff about the Charming Prince is a hoax.

These are just myths preventing us from getting to work,

because love requires work.

For us, it started as a workshop,

an Imago couple workshop in three days that changed everything.

They made us do incredible stuff

such as take a pause, slow down,

breathe,

interact and understand.

These three days changed everything.

We understood we had made the perfect enrollment

to become alive again.

It is romantic to talk about enrollment in love, isn't it?

Yet, it was a fundamental recruitment because we are born wonders.

We are born wonders that are full of potential.

Then, we made a trip.

But look my dears,

we have the ability to connect or be in our bubble.

We've tenacity, tenderness, sensuality,

curiosity, creativity, joy and so on.

We are really born as wonders.

So we made a trip.

We made a trip in a family, in a community.

We made a trip in a world that gave us messages

and made us "psychiatrices".

No, that's not a slip of the tongue.

"Psychiatrices" means "bruises on the soul,"

or "psychic scars."

During that trip, we put parts of us,

parts of our vitality, our freedom to be and our joy...

... in a freezer.

And that's how we enter the life of those wonders,

while we are partly frozen.

Here is the "Theory of the freezer."

Well, do you see a freezer?

Not this one.

There is another kind of freezer, much more important,

the one in which we burried parts of us.

There may have been mourning, abuse and maltreating.

In fact, simply growing up withing my family

makes me decide to freeze parts of me.

For example, I'm four years old,

and I'm exploring Grandma's sewing box.

And I'm discovering the reels, the scissors - I'm four, it's magic.

When Grandma comes back, I understand immediately.

Her face, the tone of her voice, something is wrong with me.

And I am four,

so I decide that my curiosity,

I'll put it in my little freezer.

Because as a child, I'll always decide to let go of parts of myself

rather than risk losing my connection with the other.

And then as a child too, I'm going to take pictures.

I'll create photographic-like images of the inside of my little world.

I make my little personal photo album

of the positive and negative personal traits

of the people who took care of me.

And do you know what I'm going to do when I reach adulthood?

Well, I'm going to fall in love with someone

who looks like the photos in my album.

This is how, in a relationship, we're wired to react agitatedly

for better and for worse.

Now let me recap.

When I fall in love,

1. I saw the wonder and I know how wonderful you are.

2. I am still really alive in places you have frozen a lot.

And that's when we say "opposites attract each other."

3. I have the superpower to push your buttons.

Indeed, I'm in your photo album!

So,

tirelessly, since I have seen the wonder and know it,

I'm going to touch your nerve to transform you

because I want the great "you".

I want you entirely.

And that's what creates crisis.

The intelligence of love, it's going from

"Ouch, you hurt me!" so I defend myself in the relationship,

to "Ouch, I make you so close to my heart,

when you move, you put your hand on my bruises.

It's painful. I need your help."

Because in love, we mustn't mistaken the enemy.

The other is not the enemy, the enemy is the bruises of my childhood.

It's our childhood's bruises that take us hostage in the relationship.

And all that is of the order of criticism, blame,

changes of mood and anger,

all that is just the twists our heart makes to talk about deep needs.

And we've to learn how to express them differently

because in a relationship, we have a mission.

And the couple's mission is to bring us back to our wonder,

to become whole again, alive, thawed ...

And it stings.

You know, those tinglings in our hands

after touching the snow,

we readily believe that it's the cold that hurts,

but no, the cold numbs!

What burns us is the blood that brings back life.

So we made an appointment.

I have a scoop for you:

between lovers, even if we live together 24/7,

we have to make appointments, in the diary,

with an agenda and a process just like in the office.

That's how both of us,

by way of conversations, we managed to make that journey

and welcome a little boy from my husband's story

who always had to be tidy in order to be loved,

and manage to welcome and give love together

to a little girl from my childhood's trip who had lacked quite a bit of guidance.

Then, those recurring conflicts

about messiness, tidiness, improvisation, planning,

all those moments where we had an argument,

all that dissolved.

I have a second scoop for you:

Conflict is not a problem, it's the heart of the reactor.

It's precisely the moment we have together

where we can turn lead into gold.

And without tools, without conscience, lead is turned into a slurry.

Because our conflicts are gifts.

Conflict is growth knocking at the door.

But we pack those gifts with such a repulsive paper

that no one wants to open them.

Who wants anger, rejection, violence, bad mood, criticism, and victimization?

No one! ... No one.

Now this man and I,

each time a conflict emerges,

we sit down,

we breathe,

we connect,

and we make this trip to enlighten our childhood,

in safety and connection.

And the two of us open those freezers

that prevents us from completely loving ourselves.

It's similar to a relational meditation

whose purpose is to release smoothly the cries from within,

and put them in another place.

To be in a relationship is an initiatory journey.

Ladies and gentlemen, watch out!

Being in relationship puts us in danger of living!

So, let's live!

And I can't resist presenting you ...

(Laughing) ... my laboratory of life!

(Cheers)

(Applause)

(Cheers)