I Lived As A Man For 18mths - Listen To What Happened
Summary
TLDRWriter Nora Vincent spent 18 months living as a man named Ned to understand male experiences and friendships. Using a disguise and acting skills, she infiltrated male-only spaces like bowling teams, strip clubs, and therapy groups. Nora's journey revealed surprising insights about men's emotional struggles, societal expectations, and the profound lack of intimacy in male friendships. Her experiences highlighted the differences in male and female sexuality and the challenges men face in expressing vulnerability. Ultimately, Nora's experiment deepened her empathy for men and appreciation for her own femininity.
Takeaways
- 👫 Men and women face different problems, but men need sympathy, love, and each other.
- 👩 Nora Vincent, a writer, disguised herself as a man named Ned to explore male life.
- 🎭 Nora used acting, makeup, and physical adjustments to transform into Ned.
- 🤝 Nora joined a men's bowling team and was surprised by their acceptance and camaraderie.
- 💔 She found that male friendships often lack emotional intimacy.
- 👀 Visiting strip clubs, Nora observed that they are about sexual drive and lack meaningful interaction.
- 👎 As Ned, Nora experienced rejection in the dating scene, finding women uninterested in vulnerable men.
- 🚘 Shopping as Ned, she noticed a significant difference in how she was treated by salesmen.
- 🙏 Living as a monk, she observed the struggle for male intimacy and communication.
- 🗣️ Joining a men's therapy group, Nora saw how men express emotions primarily through rage.
Q & A
What was the primary goal of Nora Vincent's project?
-Nora Vincent's primary goal was to learn about the human creature by experiencing life as a man and understanding male spheres of interest and male friendships from the inside out.
How did Nora Vincent physically transform herself into a man?
-Nora Vincent transformed herself into a man by getting a buzz cut, wearing baggy men's clothes and a too-small sports bra to flatten her breasts, adding padding in a jock strap, and using makeup techniques to create facial hair.
What initial reaction did Nora Vincent receive from the men on the bowling team?
-Nora Vincent was initially surprised by the generosity and acceptance of the men on the bowling team. They welcomed her warmly and made her feel comfortable, contrary to her expectation of rejection or mockery.
How did the men on the bowling team react when they learned about Nora's true identity?
-The men on the bowling team took the revelation of Nora's true identity well. They were initially surprised but remained friendly and accepting.
What insights did Nora gain about male friendships and intimacy?
-Nora discovered that male friendships often involve showing affection through cussing and ribbing, and that men have a tremendous potential for tenderness, although it is often unrealized. She found that male intimacy is often lacking.
How did Nora Vincent's perspective on male and female sexuality differ?
-Nora learned that female sexuality is more mental and emotional, whereas male sexuality is more of a bodily function and a powerful physical drive. She observed that men often lack intimacy in sexual situations.
What challenges did Nora face while trying to pick up women as Ned?
-Nora faced challenges such as dealing with women's initial hostility and the pressure of having to prove herself. She found that many women were not interested in a soft, vulnerable man and preferred a more traditionally masculine man.
What did Nora Vincent learn about men's emotional expression?
-Nora learned that men often have their emotional expression pounded out of them from an early age, leading to a lack of vocabulary and emotional awareness to express their feelings. Men often show their emotions through rage.
How did Nora's experience in a monastery reflect male intimacy issues?
-In the monastery, Nora found that the monks, despite being pious and smart, also struggled with communication and the need for male intimacy. She felt ostracized due to her feminine side and assumptions about her sexual orientation.
What conclusions did Nora Vincent draw about gender and identity from her experience?
-Nora concluded that gender is deeply ingrained in the brain and is more than just costume. Her experience taught her that men have different but equally challenging problems compared to women, and they need sympathy, love, and each other for support.
Outlines
👨 Understanding Men's Struggles
The introduction highlights the unique struggles men face and emphasizes the need for sympathy, love, and camaraderie among men. The segment introduces Nora Vincent, a writer undergoing a transformation into a man, not through surgery but by acting and disguise. This transformation is part of her research for a book on understanding the male experience.
🏆 Gaining Acceptance in Male Spaces
Nora, as Ned, joins a men's bowling team despite being a novice bowler. Contrary to her expectations, she is warmly accepted by the team. This experience challenges her preconceived notions about men being less welcoming. The camaraderie and immediate acceptance she experiences surprise her and showcase the affectionate nature of male friendships.
🎭 Navigating Male and Female Interactions
Nora reveals her true identity to the team, starting with Jim, who initially disbelieves her. The team's acceptance remains unchanged, deepening her insights into male friendships. She explores the differences in male and female sexualities, noting men's emotional frustration and the lack of intimacy in their sexual experiences, particularly in environments like strip clubs.
🛠 Experiencing the Challenges of Dating as a Man
Nora delves into the dating scene, facing the pressures men endure to prove themselves. She finds many women uninterested in vulnerable men, preferring more traditionally masculine traits. Through her experiences, Nora gains a deeper sympathy for men and their struggles in romantic pursuits. She also explores how men and women are treated differently in various social interactions, such as shopping for a car.
Mindmap
Keywords
💡Nora Vincent
💡Ned Vincent
💡Male Vulnerability
💡Gender Roles
💡Intimacy
💡Strip Clubs
💡Dating
💡Men's Therapy Group
💡Identity
💡Emotional Expression
Highlights
Men are suffering, they have different problems than women have, but they don't have it better.
Nora Vincent is a writer who transformed herself into a man named Ned to learn about male experiences.
Nora's transformation involved a buzz cut, baggy men's clothes, and makeup techniques to create facial hair.
Nora joined a men's bowling team to experience male camaraderie, despite being a terrible bowler.
Nora found that men were surprisingly accepting and supportive, contrary to her expectations.
Nora revealed her true identity to her bowling team, who reacted positively and maintained their friendship.
Nora explored male sexuality by visiting strip clubs, finding them emotionally empty and frustrating for men.
Nora experienced the pressure of dating as a man, finding that women often rejected softer, vulnerable men.
Nora noted that many women preferred 'manly men' over sensitive, vulnerable men.
Nora's experiences led her to have greater sympathy and understanding for men's struggles.
Nora observed that men often lack the vocabulary and emotional awareness to express their feelings.
Nora's transformation into Ned highlighted the significant differences between male and female sexuality.
Nora's journey showed her the importance of male intimacy and the challenges men face in expressing emotions.
Nora's time in a men's therapy group revealed how men often express emotions through rage.
Nora concluded that identity is deeply tied to one's brain and is more than just a costume.
Nora found that men need each other's support and understanding more than anything else.
Nora believes that women do not fully understand what it's like to be a man.
Transcripts
men are suffering they have different
problems than women have but they don't
have it better they need our sympathy
they need our love and they need each
other more than anything else they need
to be together do you think women
understand what it's like to be a man
not at all no clue no
[Music]
idea
she's hardly a supermodel or movie star
but today Nora Vincent is getting the
full-blown glamour treatment Nora is a
writer and one of these shots will Adorn
the cover of her new book this wasn't
just a stunt this was about learning
this is a human project it was about
finding something out about the human
creature and I learned it the best
possible way because I went through it
what Nora went through or more
accurately what she became in the last
two years was a man yeah a little bit
shorter on the top okay no Nora didn't
get a sex change operation she did it
the oldfashioned way with acting and a
disguise at 5' 10 155 lb and wearing men
size 11 shoes Nora was a natural growing
up in the midwest with her actress
mother lawyer father and two older
brothers Nora was a tomboy with a player
for the dramatic she says she's still a
tomboy and in fact is a lesbian living
in Midtown Manhattan with her partner
Lisa I think we can work with this her
transformation into the guy she calls
Ned begins with a buzz cut baggy men's
clothes and a two small sports bra to
flatten her breasts she even wore a
little padding in a jock strap I also
tried to think well what kind of guy is
Ned and get for the rest she Enlisted
the help of makeup artist Ryan
McWilliams she just came to me and said
Ryan I'm I need to turn into a man the
hair as small as you can make it right
and so they came up with a method of
shredding braided wool into whisker size
bits and gluing it onto her face women
have much stronger nasal resonance as a
as a and then there's the theatrical
component H so just easy Tarzan out on
your chest a
little good juliard voice teacher Kate
morray coached Nora for months on a
program of movement breathing and
speaking I want you to be the best man
you can be all to incorporate some of
the subtle and not so subtle
characteristics of being a guy notice
what men do if they need to suddenly
grab a taxi hey they just do that
whereas women will ask for a taxi
instead of demand one when all the
pieces are together hair makeup voice
posture style the transformation is
[Music]
complete and Nora Vincent becomes Ned
Vincent one of these shots will be the
second photo on the book cover the book
self-made man is out today and is about
Nora's 18 months living as Ned I wanted
to enter male spheres of interest and
see how men are with each other I wanted
to make friends with men I wanted to
know how male friendships work from the
inside out Ned's first act as a newly
minted male was to join that
quintessential Bastion of camaraderie a
men's bowling team the only problem was
she's a terrible bowler I probably
bowled before this three times in my
life and that was you know in high
school when you do it with both hands
you know so it was just insane for me to
walk into this place without any and why
didn't they just run you out of town
when they saw how bad you were it's an
amazing thing because I think I mean
that that's shows you the generosity
that they had it was the first of
Norah's many surprises she thought these
guys from a workingclass Pennsylvania
neighborhood would mock Ned's bowling
and reject him as a guy but from their
first meeting they accepted Ned the
handshake was unbelievable that blew me
away the first time I shook hands with a
guy a strange guy and I was amazed
because you think of women you know
we're so nice we're so easy men are so
mean complete opposite hey baby and I
felt as comfortable as I could feel
right away they just took me in no
questions asked this is the first time
the guys are coming face to face with
the female version of Ned would you have
known me on the street no no good good
look taller than I remember yeah I know
you're shorter what
happened though they've known about
Norah's true identity for months how are
you congrat this reunion is their first
chance to talk about their friendship
but you guys had said there wasn't there
that game that you know the the person
who didn't make it to 100 had to wear
women's panties at the end of the season
and
and I thought you know I'm going to give
you guys a shock of your life and I'm
the team had bowled together for 9
months and gradually Nora gained
entrance into the inner
sanctum she found that all the cussing
and good nature ribbing is just how men
often show affection for each other go
oh yeah remember oh my God that's right
I forgot all about that did you know
based on watching her Bowl I mean you
know the joke was she bowled like a girl
but well we had our susp who's that
these guys did I just everybody really
everybody has their own style you know
but my style was style is
this
style near the end of the team's run
Nora decided to reveal herself as a
woman nervous about how they'd react she
tested the waters with the one guy she
was closest to she took Jim out for a
drink so she sits you down she's very
serious and she says I'm going tell you
something that's going to blow your mind
and what did you say so the only thing
that will blow my mind is if you told me
that you were a girl and that she was a
guy and she goes well your half right
the she Jim's talking about is Norah's
partner Lisa who the team had met
several times Jim assumed they were Ned
and Lisa a heterosexual couple but you
didn't believe her at first at first
well I was still in shock I said how can
this Poss you know where would this come
from this is just a regular Monday night
I was out boring having a good time a
few minutes ago I'm trapped in this
bizarre conversation about your name
isn't net anymore you know later Jim
told the rest of the team who all took
it well what do you think nor expected
to find in a bowling alley full of guys
I think she expected to find like a
bunch of guys just talking about women's
private parts and bunch of racists and
you know I think kind of that's what she
came into this thinking they really
showed me up as being the one who was
really judgmental because they were the
ones who took me in not knowing anything
about me they were the ones who made me
their friend and you know no judgments
attached that's not like it what wrong
Nora and Jim became closer friends once
he knew that he was a she now Jim was
willing to speak more personally and
openly like about his wife's cancer Nora
came to see that between men intimacy is
sadly lacking there's a tremendous
potential for tenderness between men and
I'm I'm not sure that it's always
realized and it's terribly sad cracking
the mystery of a boy's Night Out is one
thing but what about the explicit world
of a man's sexuality I really ran smack
up against the difference between male
and female sexuality is that female
sexuality is mental it's up
here and male sexuality is a bodily
function it's a necessity you just have
to do it when we come back Norah goes to
strip clubs in the company of men as a
man
over the 18 months of venturing out in
the world as a man Nora Vincent guesses
she put on Ned's whiskers and clothes
about 150 times after the bowling league
she was ready for love and
[Music]
sex you went to a couple of sex clubs
what were you trying to get at well at
first I thought this is sort of the qu
essential guy guy thing to do right the
bachelor party at the strip club when I
told people initially that I was doing
this it' say oh you got to go to a strip
club she says the clubs were obviously
sexual but once again lacking in
intimacy which leaves men emotionally
frustrated I saw the men there I saw the
looks on their faces I saw them sitting
alone nursing their Bourbon and this is
not about appreciation of women of
course it's not about appreciation of
their own sexuality it's about an urge
and it's that's not not always that
pleasurable really these guys who go to
these high pric clubs would say this
isn't about pain it's about pleasure men
have had the tears and the emotional
expression sort of pounded out of them
from an early age and so by the time
they're they're men it's very they don't
even have the vocabulary anymore or or
the emotional awareness to really say
what they're feeling Nora says strip
joints are about pure sex drive
completely empty of any meaningful
interaction even when a woman is gting
on your lap but you're attracted to
women were you ever aroused during any
of these I really ran smack up against
the difference between male and female
sexuality is that female sexuality is
mental it's up here whereas for men Nora
says sexuality is shall we say below the
waist at its core it's a bodily function
it's a necessity it is such a powerful
drive and I think because we don't have
testosterone in our systems we don't
understand how hard it is so it never
gets cold where you back into Australia
throughout the project Ned dabbled in
the art of picking up a woman where did
your friend go we went with him to this
bar wearing hidden cameras this is my
friend JC I'm n Nora was reminded that
in this Arena it's women who have all
the power we sit there and we just with
one word no will crush someone and the
thing is we don't have to do the part
where you cross the room and you go up
to a stranger and say the first words
and those first words are so hard to say
without sounding like a cheeseball or
sounding like a jerk or whatever else
yeah what do you guys do Nora says the
Brash off Barbara Jones gave Ned was
typical she was just sort of emblazoned
with hostility you know just looked at
you and you saw everything cross her
face which was oh God help me not again
I'm trying to have a drink with a friend
and I got to deal with you Barbara was
trying to dispose of Ned before her
friend returned from the
bathroom
while but Ned returned and told Barbara
the truth about her gender saying you
gave us all the lines like try to get
rid of us I see and as a woman I have
such sympathy I'm like oh I hate being
this guy that you're trying to get rid
of talking to a woman Barbara seemed
more open and friendly and in the end
actually apologized for how she had
treated Ned sorry for being bit please
does that kind of living in the skin of
a man in the bar scene in the dating
scene give you a different kind of
respect for men it gives me a certain
definite
sympathy um and I don't mean that
there's any disrespect but it it just
makes me understand what's going
on Nora as Ned also went on about 30
dates with women mostly arranging them
on the Internet did you have any fun
rarely rarely it was just an yeah she
says the pressure of Ned having to prove
himself was grueling Nora was surprised
that many women had no interest in a
soft vulnerable man my Prejudice was
that the the ideal man is a woman in a
man's body and I learned no that's
really not there are a lot of women out
there who really want a manly man
ultimately Ned told most of his dates
that he was Nora many of the women
reacted angrily but usually just for a
little while some women wanted to
continue the relationship they remained
interested in pursuing something further
you know so whereas sexually yeah and
that was heterosexual women who that's
what I'm saying it's all up here because
they said well we connected and you know
there's something I really like you and
I don't care how many guys would do that
that's the difference between male and
sex female sexuality right there Nora
says she found differences not only in
sexuality and intimacy but in every Walk
of Life I'm in the market for a car and
take for example shopping for a new car
going in as Nora the sales pitch quickly
becomes flirt ious any guy that gets in
it's going to be like okay this girl I
want to date this girl just for a car
well well see I didn't say
I but going back to the same salesman as
Ned the tone was all business and the
talk was all about performance they have
the 3 l durch V6 engine and in the end a
personal touch for Nora the salesman
would never have offered Ned all right
thank you you're
welcome in Nora's final month says Ned
she upped the Annie infiltrating all
male inner sanctums but after 18 months
of deception she was unraveling and the
play acting at a men's Wilderness
encounter group would begin to scare her
one guy had chopped up a log pretending
it was his wife so I thought great you
know we're going to have axes and knives
so I was
terrified having survived strip clubs
dating and a
bingly Nora Vincent wanted Ned's last
day days to be among men only in private
and intimate
surroundings Nora elapsed Catholic
thought the cloistered inner world of a
monastery would be ideal Ned managed to
live for 3 weeks as a trainee the monks
she says were Pious smart men but they
were still men what made it
prototypically male what do you mean by
that the breakdown in communication the
the the need the desperate need for male
intimacy and the lack of ability to give
it really painful Norah says the monks
were hostile to her feminine side she
says she was ostracized because of the
monks assumptions about her sexual
orientation Ned was really at the center
of it because he was an effeminate man
and many of them thought I was gay as
one of them told me in confession you
know I said I have something to confess
to you and he said well I think I know
what it is and and I said what and he
said well you're gay and I said well
yeah but not in the way you think
loneliness can't hide Nora thought the
perfect end to her 18-month Saga was to
join a menonly Therapy Group a place
where guys tried to bond and show their
emotions instead of hiding them they
don't get to show the weakness they
don't get to show the affection
especially with each other and so so
often all of their emotions are shown in
Rage and they kept talking about their
rage often their rage toward women and
what they would do physically and
violently towards women right a lot of
this was blowing off steam it's sort of
talking about things that need to be
said that you know you would never do I
mean you know they would talk about
fantasizing about chopping up their
wives or something it's not that they
would ever do that but it was a way to
get out the blackest thoughts he doesn't
like doing that work but he can't quit
Nora began to empathize with the fear
and stress men feel for having to always
be the strong provider the therapy
leader psychologist John gorelli saw
Ned's shyness as typical of a newbie
coming to Brave the group a lot of of
the guys spoke to me after the retreat
and said talking to him I felt like I
was talking to somebody
feminine once again some group members
thought Ned was gay but no one suspected
he was a
woman after eight sessions the group
went on a back country retreat but
Norah's 18 months of being an impostor
was closing in on her the pressure of
being someone that you're not and being
the fear of Discovery and the deceit
that it involves piles up and PES up so
by the time I got around to doing this
men's group it was really reaching
critical critical
mass on the retreat her fear became
palpable and I was out in the woods with
a bunch of guys who have rage issues
about women and I was in Drag and I
thought oh God you know what am I doing
Nora was unraveling she felt guilty
about lying as though she should be
punished in the final ritual of the
weekend the men were to act out about
the problems Unearthed at the retreat
with a partner and you asked that he
harm you yeah yeah I did at that point I
was starting to really kind of crack up
I was really you were coming unglued
yeah you were asking this guy to cut you
to cut me so self-mutilation is is very
much a female thing and I think it was
my way of of paying the penalty for what
I I felt I had done Nora was not harmed
physically but she continued her
emotional sent and a week later checked
into a hospital with severe depression
identity she concluded was not something
to play around with when you mess around
with that you really mess around with
something that you you need that helps
you to function and I found out that
gender lives in your brain and it's
something much more than costume and I
really learned that the hard way Nora
says she's healed now and glad to be rid
of Ned but her views about men have
changed forever men are suffering they
have different problems than women have
but they don't have it better they need
our sympathy they need our love and they
need each other more than anything else
they need to be together do you think
women understand what it's like to be a
man not at all no clue no idea John
gorelli thinks Norah's conclusions that
men are just as emotionally vulnerable
as women are important and will be taken
seriously because they came from a woman
I said to her this is going to be
revolutionary because it's been looked
at as though men were the perpetrators
and women were the victims this is and
now one last identity switch War aeli
has never come face to face with the
real Nora hi John I'm Nora hi
wow Ru teaches so we can never come to
the meeting so and both John and Nora
are happy she is a she the irony is not
lost on Nora that it took a trip into
manhood to help her appreciate her own
own femininity I'm so much closer to
myself than I ever was that I really
like me I really like being me and I
really like being a woman did you like
being a woman before N I did but I like
it more now cuz I think it's more of a
privilege that's perfect right there
that's awesome like
[Music]
that
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