How to get over an ex: the two best strategies

Summary

In this episode of *Psychax: Better Living Through Psychology*, Dr. Orion Taban shares effective strategies for overcoming a breakup. He introduces two primary methods: exposure therapy, where repeated exposure to emotional triggers reduces their impact, and extinction, which involves cutting off all contact—both physical and mental—with your ex. Dr. Taban also recommends the 'block and replace' technique, urging listeners to focus on their ex’s flaws to counter romanticized memories. These actionable approaches aim to help individuals regain emotional neutrality and move on, ultimately leading to personal growth and closure.

Takeaways

• 😀 Overcoming an ex is tough, but it is a process that can be tackled with the right strategies.
• 😀 The first strategy for moving on is **exposure**, which involves repeatedly confronting the painful stimulus (like seeing your ex’s social media posts) until it loses emotional impact.
• 😀 **Flooding** is a more intense version of exposure, where you deliberately expose yourself to the painful stimuli many times in a short period, similar to how phobias are treated in therapy.
• 😀 The second strategy is **extinction**, which involves cutting off all contact with the ex and eliminating mental engagement, such as avoiding thoughts, memories, and social media stalking.
• 😀 **No contact** (both physical and mental) is key in extinction, as even thinking about the ex can prolong emotional attachment and recovery.
• 😀 Relapsing into exposure after starting extinction can set you back and create an intermittent reinforcement schedule, which can cause addiction to the emotional cycle.
• 😀 To succeed in **extinction**, the cognitive version of your ex must be eliminated—this means no idealizing, no fantasizing, and no revisiting memories.
• 😀 **Block and replace** is a key technique: resist romantic thoughts of your ex and replace them with negative aspects of the relationship or the person to break the idealization cycle.
• 😀 Writing down a list of your ex’s flaws and carrying it with you can help you reframe the relationship and speed up the emotional detachment process.
• 😀 Healing from a breakup involves emotional neutrality toward your ex, where you either feel nothing or feel happiness for them moving on—this is a sign of true progress in the healing process.

Q & A

What are the two main strategies for getting over an ex discussed in the script?

The two main strategies are 'exposure' and 'extinction'. Exposure involves repeatedly confronting the emotional stimulus (like seeing photos of an ex), while extinction involves eliminating contact with the ex, both physically and mentally, to allow emotional neutrality to develop.

What is the concept of exposure in the context of getting over an ex?

Exposure involves repeatedly confronting the emotional stimulus, such as looking at a photo of your ex with a new partner, until it no longer evokes an emotional reaction. This is similar to behavioral therapies used to overcome phobias, where repeated exposure gradually reduces emotional intensity.

What does 'flooding' mean in the exposure strategy?

Flooding refers to exposing yourself to the emotional stimulus (like a photo of your ex) in a very short time frame, often repeatedly, to desensitize yourself to the emotional response. It is intense but effective in reducing the emotional charge attached to the stimulus.

Why does Dr. Orion recommend the extinction method over exposure for most people?

Dr. Orion recommends extinction because it is a less intense and more sustainable way to achieve emotional neutrality. Extinction involves cutting off all contact with the person, both physically and mentally, which eliminates triggers and helps the emotions associated with the person fade over time.

What is the concept of 'no contact' in the extinction strategy?

'No contact' means completely avoiding any form of interaction with the ex, including physical contact, communication, and especially checking their social media or reminiscing about the relationship. This is essential for the process of emotional extinction to be successful.

What role does cognitive 'no contact' play in the extinction strategy?

Cognitive 'no contact' involves eliminating any mental engagement with the ex, such as avoiding ruminating over memories, fantasies, or idealizations of the relationship. This is critical, as mental engagement can prolong the emotional attachment even if physical contact has been cut off.

What is the danger of intermittent exposure when using the extinction method?

Intermittent exposure can create an 'intermittent reinforcement schedule,' which can actually increase emotional attachment and prolong recovery. Relapsing into exposure after attempting no contact can cause a cycle of emotional dependence, which is counterproductive to healing.

How does the 'block and replace' strategy work in overcoming thoughts of an ex?

'Block and replace' involves actively resisting thoughts about the ex (blocking them) and replacing them with alternative thoughts. For example, writing down negative aspects of the ex and using this list to refocus whenever thoughts of the ex arise, helps to shift emotional responses.

Why does Dr. Orion suggest writing a list of flaws and negative traits about the ex?

Writing down the ex's flaws helps to counteract the idealization and romanticization that can occur after a breakup. It forces the individual to confront the less pleasant aspects of the relationship, which in turn helps to integrate a more balanced, realistic view of the ex and the relationship.

What is the ultimate goal of the strategies discussed in the script?

The ultimate goal is emotional neutrality in relation to the ex. Whether through exposure or extinction, the aim is to reach a point where thoughts or encounters with the ex no longer evoke any emotional reaction—whether that’s indifference or even feeling happiness for their well-being.