How to tame your Advice Monster | Michael Bungay Stanier | TEDxUniversityofNevada

Summary

In this engaging TED talk, Michael explores the concept of the 'Advice Monster' — an internal urge to give unsolicited advice in conversations. He explains how this impulse, though seemingly helpful, often leads to misunderstanding, disempowering others, and offering irrelevant solutions. Michael highlights three personas of the Advice Monster: 'Tell it,' 'Save it,' and 'Control it.' He suggests replacing the default habit of giving advice with a new habit: staying curious. By asking thoughtful questions like 'What's the real challenge here for you?' and 'And what else?', we empower others to find their own answers and strengthen their autonomy, fostering more meaningful connections and growth.

Takeaways

• 😀 The 'Advice Monster' is a mental habit that causes us to rush into offering advice without fully understanding the situation.
• 😀 Giving advice too quickly can often lead to solving the wrong problem and wasting time, resources, and effort.
• 😀 The real challenge in advice-giving is not just offering the right solution, but recognizing when advice is unnecessary.
• 😀 There are three key personas of the Advice Monster: 'Tell it' (offering answers too quickly), 'Save it' (the urge to rescue others), and 'Control it' (the need to maintain control).
• 😀 When we let our Advice Monster take over, we disempower others by making them feel they can't figure things out themselves.
• 😀 Constantly giving advice creates a bottleneck, as it puts the responsibility of solving problems on one person instead of empowering others.
• 😀 Instead of giving advice, we should focus on staying curious and asking thoughtful questions to help others find their own solutions.
• 😀 The question 'What's the real challenge here for you?' is crucial in ensuring that you're addressing the true problem, not just the initial issue.
• 😀 The question 'And what else?' is powerful because it encourages deeper exploration, leading to better insights and understanding.
• 😀 Asking 'What do you want?' helps people focus on their own goals, providing a foundation for action and empowerment.
• 😀 Replacing the habit of giving advice with curiosity leads to greater autonomy, competence, and confidence in others, fostering better outcomes.

Q & A

What is the core issue with advice-giving that the speaker addresses?

The core issue is that advice-giving often becomes a default response, which leads to solving the wrong problem, providing ineffective advice, and disempowering others by suggesting they can't figure things out on their own.

How does the speaker describe their own behavior when giving advice to their friend Shannon?

The speaker acknowledges that they initially pretended to listen to Shannon, with their 'Advice Monster' already eager to provide a quick solution. Despite appearing engaged, they were more focused on giving advice than truly listening.

What is meant by the term 'Advice Monster'?

The 'Advice Monster' refers to the part of ourselves that urges us to give advice immediately, often without fully understanding the situation or context. It interrupts the conversation and tries to solve problems quickly without considering the other person's perspective.

What are the three main personas of the Advice Monster, according to the speaker?

The three personas of the Advice Monster are: 'Tell It' (the need to have all the answers), 'Save It' (the impulse to rescue others from failure), and 'Control It' (the desire to maintain control over situations and people).

Why does the speaker suggest that advice-giving can be detrimental to both parties involved?

Advice-giving can undermine the receiver's sense of competence and autonomy, while the giver may become overwhelmed by the responsibility of always having the answers, leading to exhaustion and frustration.

What are the three key questions the speaker suggests to replace giving advice?

The three key questions are: 'What's the real challenge here for you?', 'And what else?', and 'What do you want?'. These questions are designed to encourage curiosity and help others find their own solutions.

What is the purpose of the question 'What's the real challenge here for you?'?

This question helps to identify the true issue at hand, preventing the speaker from solving the wrong problem and shifting the focus to what is most important for the person involved.

Why is the question 'And what else?' important in the conversation?

'And what else?' is important because it helps dig deeper beyond the initial response, revealing additional challenges and insights. It encourages further exploration rather than settling for the first answer.

How does the question 'What do you want?' empower the person seeking advice?

The question 'What do you want?' helps clarify the person's goals, promoting autonomy and a sense of confidence. It encourages the person to define their path forward rather than simply receiving instructions.

How does the speaker suggest that taming the Advice Monster can lead to better outcomes?

By taming the Advice Monster, individuals can replace the habit of giving unsolicited advice with the habit of staying curious, which empowers others to find their own answers and fosters a deeper connection based on empathy and collaboration.