letting go of fixing people [cc]

Summary

This script discusses the futility of trying to 'fix' people in abusive situations, especially narcissists and codependents. It highlights the importance of self-healing and personal growth over external intervention. Therapists facilitate this process, but true change comes from within. The script also explores the psychological defenses and resistances that can arise when change is forced, and the need to support those ready to change rather than trying to fix the unyielding.

Takeaways

• 🌟 The desire to fix people in abusive situations often stems from a place of love and hope for change, but it can lead to exhaustion and failure as individuals can't truly mend others.
• 👩‍⚕️ Therapists don't 'fix' people; instead, they facilitate self-healing by helping clients navigate their own 'obstacle course' of personal development.
• 🚧 Clients may seek quick fixes or expect therapists to solve their problems, bypassing the necessary personal growth and learning that comes from facing challenges.
• 🛡️ Some individuals, like malignant narcissists, may resist change and use therapy as a tool for their own ends, rather than engaging in self-improvement.
• 🤝 The effectiveness of therapy is highly dependent on the client's openness to change and their active participation in their own healing process.
• 🧭 Therapists provide guidance and support, but it's the client who must take the steps to overcome obstacles and work through their issues.
• 🌌 At the extreme end of the narcissism spectrum, individuals may present a 'suit of armor' to the world, hiding their true selves and making change nearly impossible.
• 🌪️ Codependent individuals often feel a strong urge to fix their abusers, mirroring their own need for healing and validation, which can lead to further entanglement in abusive dynamics.
• 🌈 For codependents, the path to recovery involves finding a balance between empathy for others and self-compassion, learning to set boundaries and prioritize their own well-being.
• 🔑 Ultimately, change and recovery are personal journeys that can't be forced by others; they require self-recognition, a desire for change, and support from those who understand the process.

Q & A

What is the primary reason individuals who have been abused often try to fix their abusers or other targets of abuse?

Individuals who have been abused often try to fix their abusers or other targets because they have a deep-seated desire to counteract the negativity and heal the destructive compulsions of the abusers. They offer boundless love, reassurance, and understanding, hoping to mend people they cannot actually mend, which can lead to exhaustion.

How does the role of a therapist differ from the common misconception of 'fixing people'?

Therapists do not 'fix' people; instead, they facilitate the process of self-mending. The therapist's role is to help clients navigate their own obstacle course of personal development, offering perspectives and guidance, but it is ultimately up to the client to work through their issues and make changes.

What is the obstacle course analogy mentioned in the script, and how does it relate to therapy?

The obstacle course analogy refers to the challenges and obstacles a client faces between their current state and their desired state. The therapist and client view these obstacles together, assess risks, and consider how to navigate them. The client must traverse the course, and the therapist provides support and an additional perspective, but cannot carry the client through it.

Why do some clients seek therapy with the expectation of a quick fix to their problems?

Some clients seek a quick fix in therapy because they hope to avoid the personal development and difficult choices that come with working through a crisis. They may want the therapist to provide a magical solution that requires no effort on their part, such as grappling with difficult choices or accepting unfavorable outcomes.

What does the script suggest about the effectiveness of trying to force change on resistant clients?

The script suggests that trying to force change on resistant clients can make matters worse, activating psychological defenses that can further entrench them in their situations. It is important for clients to be open to change for therapy to be effective.

How does the script describe the behavior of individuals with narcissistic traits who come to therapy?

The script describes that some individuals with narcissistic traits may come to therapy not to fix themselves but for external reasons, such as appearing sympathetic in a legal hearing. They may not be genuinely interested in personal growth and may even try to manipulate the therapist to serve their own ends.

What is the concept of 'psychological gridlock' mentioned in the script, and how does it relate to therapy?

Psychological gridlock refers to a situation where neither party in a conflict is ready to change, leading to a stalemate in therapy. This can occur when both the abuser and the abused are resistant to change, and attempts to force change can intensify their defenses rather than promote healing.

How does the script explain the concept of 'narcissistic fleas' in relation to narcissistic behavior?

The script uses the term 'narcissistic fleas' to describe individuals who exhibit one or two narcissistic attributes, which might be effectively addressed in therapy if the person has self-awareness, emotional resilience, and openness to change. These attributes are likened to fleas picked up from exposure to narcissistic behavior, as opposed to deeper, more ingrained narcissistic traits.

What is the significance of the 'Martian Chronicles' analogy used in the script to describe codependent behavior?

The 'Martian Chronicles' analogy is used to illustrate how codependent individuals, like the empathic Martians, try to avoid annihilation by transforming themselves into what others want them to be. This can lead to an overwhelming sense of responsibility for others' feelings and needs, often at the expense of their own well-being.

How does the script differentiate between the protective 'armor' of a healthy individual and that of a narcissist?

The script differentiates by describing healthy individuals as having flexible and adaptable 'armor' that changes according to social situations, while narcissists maintain a rigid 'full armor' in the form of a fictional self or avatar. This armor guards against fears of rejection and the emptiness within, making change for narcissists nearly impossible.