Your Real & Ideal Self | John Laurito | TEDxBabsonCollege

Summary

The speaker recounts a moment of panic that led to a public breakdown, revealing a lifelong struggle with anxiety. He discusses the impact of this on his self-perception as a leader and the journey to overcome it. Through self-reflection, he discovers the power of focusing on small, controllable actions to influence larger outcomes, which he applies to both his personal battles and professional life. The narrative concludes with a call to recognize and harness one's influence, illustrated by the story of Steve Jobs, emphasizing the ripple effect of small changes.

Takeaways

• 😰 The speaker experienced intense anxiety and panic attacks, which were debilitating and affected his ability to speak in public.
• 🎯 Despite leading an office and being respected by colleagues, the speaker felt out of control and struggled with his self-image during a presentation.
• 🏃‍♂️ He once fled from a speaking engagement due to the overwhelming panic, marking a low point in his career.
• 🤔 The speaker grappled with the fear of legitimizing his panic attacks by acknowledging them, which led to a 20-year period of secrecy.
• 💡 He realized that focusing only on controllable aspects of life can be flawed, as it ignores potentially changeable factors that could improve one's situation.
• 🔄 The speaker learned that he could move things from being uncontrollable to controllable by finding the small, manageable steps that lead to significant change.
• 🏋️‍♂️ He applied this concept to his daily life, such as changing his morning routine by focusing on the small step of getting dressed for the gym.
• 🗣️ In public speaking, he overcame his panic by preparing questions to ask the audience, which gave him a moment to regain composure.
• 💪 Gaining control over his panic attacks empowered the speaker, boosting his confidence and expanding his comfort zone.
• ⏳ The speaker emphasizes the far-reaching impact of personal influence, as illustrated by the story of Steve Jobs learning about quality from his father.

Q & A

What was the physical sensation described by the speaker at the beginning of the script?

The speaker described a wave of heat starting from their feet and moving up through their body, causing their hands to tremble, beads of sweat on their forehead, and a rapid heartbeat.

Why was the speaker asked to speak in front of colleagues?

The speaker was asked to speak because they were leading an office that was experiencing great success, and their boss wanted them to share some of the things they were doing.

How did the speaker feel before their presentation, and why was this unexpected?

The speaker felt out of control and struggled to breathe naturally, which was unexpected because they knew and respected the colleagues they were speaking to and should have felt comfortable.

What was the speaker's reaction when they were introduced to speak?

The speaker began walking to the front of the room, feeling sweat drip down their face and back, and their face turned red. They felt they couldn't breathe, and the audience's expressions shifted from interest to concern.

What did the speaker do when they reached the front of the room and couldn't speak?

The speaker turned around, grabbed a pen, and started writing on the whiteboard for 20 painful silent seconds, not knowing what they were writing.

How did the speaker's panic attack affect their career and self-perception?

The panic attack led to a low point in the speaker's career and made them feel like an imposter, as they couldn't lead themselves through the situation despite being a leader.

Why did the speaker keep their panic attacks a secret for 20 years?

The speaker believed that if they didn't think about or talk about the panic attacks, they would go away, and they feared that acknowledging them would legitimize and fuel the attacks.

What philosophy did the speaker initially adopt to deal with things they couldn't control?

The speaker adopted a philosophy of focusing on what they could control, influencing what they could, and ignoring what they couldn't influence or control.

How did the speaker's approach to dealing with panic attacks change over time?

The speaker realized they could move things from one 'bucket' to another, gaining influence over things they initially couldn't control, and finding ways to change them into things they could control.

What is the 'three percent' concept the speaker talks about, and how did it help them?

The 'three percent' concept refers to finding a small, manageable part of a larger challenge that can trigger the rest of the process. For the speaker, it was getting out of bed and putting on gym clothes to start a workout routine, or preparing questions to regain composure during presentations.

How did the speaker use the 'three percent' strategy to overcome their panic attacks?

The speaker used the strategy by preparing questions to ask the audience, which gave them a few seconds to regain their composure and breathing, thus preventing the panic attack from escalating.

Outlines

00:00

😰 Overcoming Stage Fright and Panic Attacks

The speaker recounts a vivid experience of extreme anxiety and panic while being asked to speak in front of 70 colleagues. Despite the professional success and respect from peers, the speaker felt overwhelmed by physical symptoms of anxiety, including shaking, sweating, and an accelerated heartbeat. The fear of public speaking led to an inability to speak, prompting an escape from the stage. This incident was a low point in the speaker's career and represented a stark contrast between their ideal self, who could confidently speak in front of large audiences, and their real self, who suffered from panic attacks. The speaker kept this struggle hidden for 20 years, feeling like an imposter and unable to lead themselves through their fears.

05:01

🔒 Breaking the Silence on Personal Struggles

The speaker discusses the decision to keep their panic attacks a secret, fearing that acknowledging them would give them power and make them more real. They reveal a deep desire to avoid the emotional pain of anxiety, even to the point of preferring physical pain. The speaker also reflects on a philosophy they adopted in business, focusing on controllable aspects of life and ignoring the rest. However, they come to recognize the flaw in this approach when uncontrollable factors prevent personal growth. The speaker learns that they have more power to influence their life than they initially thought and that focusing on small, manageable changes can lead to significant improvements.

10:02

🔑 Finding the '3 Percent' to Overcome Challenges

The speaker shares a strategy for overcoming obstacles by identifying the '3 percent' of actions that can trigger the desired 97 percent of results. Using personal examples, such as the struggle to start a morning workout routine, they explain how small initial actions can lead to significant lifestyle changes. The speaker also applies this concept to managing panic attacks by finding a quick way to regain composure and breathing control. This approach not only helps them regain control over their panic attacks but also enhances their confidence and leadership abilities, leading to a more authentic and effective personal and professional life.

15:03

🌟 The Ripple Effect of Small Actions

In the final paragraph, the speaker emphasizes the far-reaching impact of small actions by sharing the story of a young Steve Jobs learning about the importance of quality from his father. This lesson influenced Jobs throughout his life, leading to a commitment to excellence that has affected over a billion people through his products. The speaker concludes by encouraging the audience to find their '3 percent' and use it to not only change their own lives but also to help others find their path to improvement.

Keywords

💡Panic Attack

A panic attack is a sudden episode of intense fear or discomfort that can cause physical symptoms such as a racing heart, sweating, trembling, and shortness of breath. In the video, the speaker describes experiencing a panic attack while preparing to speak in front of colleagues, which led to physical symptoms like trembling hands, sweating, and an accelerated heartbeat. This personal experience is central to the narrative as it illustrates the struggle with anxiety and the subsequent journey to overcoming it.

💡Imposter Syndrome

Imposter syndrome refers to the feeling of inadequacy and fear of being exposed as a 'fraud' despite evidence of success. The speaker mentions feeling like an imposter, leading others while struggling with personal challenges, which is a common experience for many high-achievers. This concept is integral to the video's theme of self-doubt and the quest for authenticity in leadership.

💡Control

Control, in this context, refers to the ability to manage or influence one's circumstances. The speaker discusses the desire for control during panic attacks and the realization that focusing on controllable aspects can help mitigate anxiety. The video emphasizes the importance of recognizing what one can control and leveraging that to influence outcomes, such as preparing questions to regain composure during presentations.

💡Influence

Influence is the capacity to have an effect on someone or something. The video highlights the power of personal influence, suggesting that individuals have more potential to influence their situations than they might realize. The speaker's journey from feeling powerless to gaining control over panic attacks exemplifies how influence can be harnessed to change one's life and, by extension, the lives of others.

💡Authentic Leadership

Authentic leadership involves being genuine and transparent in one's actions and communication. The video contrasts the speaker's initial inauthentic leadership, stemming from unaddressed personal struggles, with the empowered leadership that emerged after overcoming those struggles. Authenticity is portrayed as a cornerstone of effective leadership, enabling the speaker to connect more genuinely with others.

💡Comfort Zone

A comfort zone is a behavioral state within which an individual feels at ease and in control. The video discusses the importance of stepping out of one's comfort zone to achieve growth, like facing the fear of public speaking. The speaker's experiences illustrate how overcoming personal challenges can expand one's comfort zone, leading to increased confidence and the ability to take on greater challenges.

💡Self-Esteem

Self-esteem refers to the value and respect one has for oneself. In the video, the speaker's initial lack of self-esteem is tied to the fear of panic attacks and the feeling of being an imposter. Overcoming these fears and gaining control leads to a boost in self-esteem, which is depicted as a critical factor in personal and professional success.

💡Empathy

Empathy is the ability to understand and share the feelings of others. The video indirectly touches on empathy through the speaker's realization of the impact his actions have on his audience during panic attacks. This awareness leads to a more empathetic approach to leadership, where the speaker can better connect with and support others.

💡Three Percent

The 'three percent' concept refers to the small, manageable actions that can lead to significant change. The speaker uses this idea to illustrate how focusing on a small, achievable step (like putting on gym clothes) can trigger a chain of events that lead to a larger goal (exercising regularly). This concept is central to the video's message of leveraging small actions for big changes.

💡Public Speaking

Public speaking is the act of addressing an audience, which the speaker discusses as a significant fear and a platform for leadership. The video uses the speaker's panic attack during a presentation as a pivotal moment, highlighting the challenges and the eventual triumph over fear. Public speaking serves as a metaphor for facing and overcoming personal and professional obstacles.

💡Confidence

Confidence is the self-assurance that one can successfully perform a task or handle a situation. The video's narrative arc sees the speaker's confidence grow as he gains control over his panic attacks and becomes a more authentic leader. Confidence is portrayed as a result of self-mastery and a key component in achieving personal and professional goals.

Highlights

The speaker describes a vivid experience of anxiety and panic while preparing to speak in front of colleagues.

Despite leading an office with great success, the speaker felt out of control and struggled to breathe.

The speaker's ideal self was someone who could speak confidently in front of large audiences, contrasting with the reality of panic attacks.

The experience of a panic attack during a presentation led to a devastating and low point in the speaker's career.

For 20 years, the speaker kept his panic attacks a secret, fearing that acknowledging them would give them power.

The speaker discovered a philosophy that successful people focus on what they can control and ignore what they can't.

A realization that one can move things from uncontrollable to controllable by finding ways to influence them.

The concept of finding the 'three percent' that can lead to change the '97 percent' of a situation.

An example of how the speaker changed his morning gym routine by focusing on the small action of getting dressed.

The speaker learned to manage panic attacks by focusing on small actions that could regain control, like breathing.

Having a strategy to regain composure during presentations gave the speaker confidence and eliminated panic attacks.

The empowerment that comes from gaining control and influence over one's reactions and outcomes.

The story of Steve Jobs being taught the importance of quality in everything he does, even what's not visible.

The idea that small influences can have a significant impact, as illustrated by Steve Jobs' story.

The speaker's call to action for everyone to find their 'three percent' and help others do the same.

Transcripts

[Music]

so i remember looking down

and my hands were shaking and not just

shaking

they were trembling and it was weird i

could feel this

like wave of heat that started at my

feet and just

worked its way up my body like through

my legs up my torso

up through my shoulders and my head and

i could feel

just beads of sweat start to bubble up

on my forehead and my head and

i felt my heart beating really fast

and it's weird i should have felt great

i should have felt honored

i should have felt proud here i was my

boss had asked me to speak

in front of 70 of my colleagues for good

reason because he wanted me to share

some of the things that we were doing i

was leading an office we were having

great success

and he said john why don't you speak and

share some of the things you're doing

for a half an hour with this group

now these were 70 people that i knew not

nameless faces these were people that i

had relationships with i respected they

respected me

so this should have felt pretty

comfortable but here i was at the back

of the room

staring at the backs of their heads

watching the speaker before me who was

just about a couple of minutes from

finishing up and i was feeling

nothing like i wanted to feel i felt out

of control

i mean even my breathing was strained i

was

really struggling to breathe naturally

it was

almost like walking up a hill at 10 000

feet above

elevation above sea level it was feeling

like i just

couldn't get my breath i couldn't speak

i couldn't do anything and my heart was

beating so hard i could look down i

could see it beating through my

shirt and just then the speaker ended

his presentation

introduced me and i began my walk to the

front of that room

and i could see and feel the wave of

eyes that started now turning to look at

me

as i was making my way to the front i

got somehow to the front center stage

and looked out at the group

and i could feel sweat dripping down my

face and down my back

i could feel my face red i could just my

shirt felt tighter on me i couldn't

breathe

and the faces looking at me started with

interest

and then went to confusion and then to

concern like thinking what's happening

here

i don't know i couldn't speak

the only thing i could think to do was

turn around there was a white board

behind me and i grabbed the pen and

started writing on the whiteboard

to this day i have no idea what i was

writing

but for 20 painful silent seconds of

writing hieroglyphics on the board

i had to turn around i turned around and

faced my audience who still was looking

at me very concerned

and puzzled and again i couldn't speak i

could not

get words out and all i kept thinking is

i have to get out of here i didn't know

what to do

and i ran out of the room off the stage

and out the door down the hall thinking

i can't believe what i just did

i literally ran off the stage and i went

into the bathroom that was down the hall

and i

i stood in the in the bathroom and i'm

just trying to collect my thoughts in

total disbelief at what i had just done

and the door opened up and people that

had just witnessed this

came in i guess the organizer didn't

know what to do and just said okay take

a bathroom break

i didn't know what to do at that point

so i just went into the stall

and pretended like i was throwing up

that was what my excuse was going to be

that i was sick

but i could hear the comments i could

hear the laughter

of the guys that are outside that stall

that was a devastating day that was a

low point in my career

see my ideal self was someone who was

cool

calm and collected under pressure it

didn't matter i could speak in front of

thousands of people on the biggest

stages in the world

and i'd feel great totally confident at

ease

and drawing that audience in

but my real self my real self was scared

and really felt weakened by this

i felt like i had no control over this

thing that would happen

when it would happen and how long and

how intense and who would be watching

and i felt like an imposter i felt like

here i am a leader

trying to lead other people to become

their ideal self and ultimately do

things

that they wouldn't have done otherwise

and here i was i couldn't lead myself

through this

it was devastating i actually kept it

hidden for 20 years

20 years of having panic attacks and i

did not tell a single person not my

family not my friends

no one because i felt that if i talked

about it i would legitimize it i would

give it fuel

i would give it momentum and it would

become this thing that real

that was reality when in reality i just

wanted it to go away

i felt like if i didn't think about it

or talk about it it would

but now my very private

personal painful struggle was now made

very public

have you ever had an emotional pain that

was so bad you would gladly take a

physical pain in front of it

instead of it absolutely i mean i have i

played baseball i can remember a time

i was a type of batter that i would

either hit a home run or strikeout

rarely anything other than that i'd

always swing for the fences

i remember facing a really tough pitcher

and a critical moment of the game and

thinking wow

i just hope he throws a fastball hits me

in the head and i get a free base

so i get out of this situation i don't

want to be the having the responsibility

of potentially striking out

and letting down the team okay that's an

example

but as a speaker i remember thinking wow

i wish i had a control

that i could keep in my pocket and i

could hit a button if i felt those

familiar and really unwanted feelings

coming

and i could hit this button and a light

fixture would fall from the ceiling

and bap hit me in the head and knock me

unconscious

and then i could get out of it that's

literally how bad it was and i

remember thinking i wish i could have

something like that

but why did i ignore it for so long well

you know i had subscribed to a

philosophy that

i learned many years ago in business and

that was that successful happy people

focus on and think about the things that

they can control

the things that they can't control and

they can't influence

they don't think about they don't worry

about they don't spend any mental energy

on it

they spend 80 to 90 percent of the

things they can control

10 to 20 on things they can influence

and

zero on what they can't influence or

control so for me

i thought okay let me just ignore it

but there's a flaw in that model there's

a flaw in that theory what if one of

those things that's in that third bucket

is truly something that is preventing

you from becoming your

ideal self what if it is something that

is preventing you

from having the career you want to have

from ultimately being the leader that

you want to be

and ultimately having the self-esteem

and the confidence that you want to have

well what i realized is you can actually

move things

from one bucket to another you can take

something that you have

no influence on and in many cases

develop influence and actually change it

you can then once you have influence

change it to something

that you have control over i learned

that

see we have the power to influence much

more than we realize

and most of us never tap into that power

we never tap into the power to influence

ourselves

and then other people as humans we we

tend

to go down that path of least resistance

we like what's easy

we like what's comfortable we like

what's pain-free

and sometimes changing what we're doing

in any way

is uncomfortable what i realized is

all i had to do was find the three

percent

that makes the other 97 percent happen

you see i didn't have to accomplish that

big goal or control this big thing that

i couldn't control

i just had to have and find the right

three percent

i had to find the three percent that

makes the other 97 happen i'll give you

a great example

for me i've always wanted to go to the

gym in the morning i've kind of known

that that's a great way to start the day

but i was working out at eight or nine

at night

i'd be staying up late it was just a

really bad cycle

but for me i'd set the alarm clock at

five in the morning it'd be dark out it

would be

cold i wouldn't want to get out of bed

i'd hit the snooze button and i'd say

i'll work out at night

for years it was like that and then i

realized you know what

i don't need to really go to the gym in

the morning

the only thing i need to do is i need to

get out of bed

and i need to put my gym clothes on

that's it because once i have my gym

clothes on i'm not going to go

back into bed and once i have my gym

clothes on i'm probably going to brush

my teeth and grab my wallet and my keys

and

go into the car and then once i'm in the

car i'm going to drive to the gym

and once i'm at the gym i'm going to go

in and i'm going to work out i'm not

going to just sit there

so in reality it's not waking up in the

morning to go to the gym

the 3 percent that made the 97 happen

was just getting out of bed and putting

my gym clothes on

my goal changed and i've gone to the gym

every morning

every morning so from there

i started to realize everything can

happen that way in reality i have hard

conversations that i need to have

okay i ultimately whether it's loved

ones or a boss or a colleague

or whatnot these tough conversations

sometimes

we think about them as being this big

thing in reality all i need to do is

have that first

few moments of the conversation i just

need to be able to say hey

you know i've got an important issue and

something i want to talk about do you

have a couple minutes

once i do that i'm committed i'm having

the conversation

okay if i'm in sales i might say well i

hate prospecting calls but

i don't really need to think about the

whole call i just need to pick up the

phone and make it make a dial that's

it in fact i don't even need to do that

i can have somebody else do that

it works for everything and it even

worked for my panic attacks

you see i realized that i had been

dealing with these for so long and i had

actually

found the three percent with one of my

panic attacks long ago

when i was in high school one of them

was i'd be sitting in classroom and i

would just

feel everybody's eyes on me whether they

were not i felt like the whole class was

staring at me

and i would start to heat up and i

remember i would start to turn red

and then i'd start to sweat and i felt

like more and more people were watching

and

i'd go into a little cocoon and pray

that nobody would see me and god forbid

the teacher wouldn't call me out which

they did one time

and i remember starting to draw a

picture and i drew a picture of a guy

who was standing there i happened to be

a pretty good drawer and i was drawing a

picture of a guy who was

who was freezing he was shaking and he

had icicles

just hanging from every part of his body

and ultimately as i'm drawing this i

realized

wow i'm not hot anymore i'm actually

getting

cool it had a physical change

and then i was breathing okay and i no

longer had a panic attack

it went away and then the next time

i drew that picture i only made it

through halfway and the panic attack was

gone

the next time i just drew the face and

the time after that i just put the pen

to paper and they had gone for good

so now i just had to find that same type

of thing for when i was on stage

right and i couldn't just stop and in

the middle of a stage presentation say

okay let me draw a picture and

you know hold on one second here and

just you know that wasn't realistic

um i couldn't do the light thing that

might be a little too violent

but there was something i could do all i

needed to do was give myself a break

that's it i just needed a couple minutes

because what i figured

a couple seconds even what i figured is

i just needed to breathe

because when i stopped breathing or had

difficulty breathing

it's really impossible to talk you need

breath going over your vocal cords in

order to be able to speak

try it you can't do it so what i

realized is okay if i can relax

myself and just breathe normally

then i'm going to be able to speak and

if i can speak

i can continue along and i can go

through this presentation

and manage through this so what i did

is i came up with an idea i figured okay

all i need to do is have some questions

that i need to throw out to the audience

if i'm in that situation

so i did i had a couple questions

prepared at the beginning of every

presentation

sometimes i used them sometimes they

didn't but if i felt that coming on

i did and it gave me a couple of seconds

to regain my

pace my composure my breathing

and it worked

eventually i didn't even have them

anymore not only did i not have to use

them just the fact that i had them in my

back pocket to use

that was my panic hack it was like a

switch a light switch that i could turn

off that panic attack

at any given moment that gave me the

confidence and the self-esteem

to realize i don't have these anymore

something incredible

happens when you gain control and

influence a different

outcome it's empowering because it gives

you

confidence and that confidence helps you

extend

and expand your comfort zone that

comfort zone helps you take bigger risks

like standing in front of larger

audiences

and it helps you take bigger chances and

ultimately bigger victories

and those bigger victories lead to even

more

confidence and it's an amazing

phenomenon once we can

influence ourselves we then can

influence other people

authentically that was my challenge i

was doing it from an inauthentic place

because i hadn't done it for myself

effectively

once i did my leadership effectiveness

absolutely took off that's when i became

the best version of myself as a leader

and when we realize how far-reaching and

long-lasting our influence can be

it is staggering we never realized the

power

of our influence there was a boy on a

saturday morning his dad had asked him

to paint the fence

and this boy kind of begrudgingly began

to do it and took him a couple hours and

when he got done his dad inspected it

and his dad came upon an area of the

fence that was behind the shed

and the boy had not painted it and he

asked the boy about it the boy said well

it's not visible nobody can see nobody's

going to know

and the father said no you will know

and his father who is a cabinet maker

went on to explain

that the quality of what you do and the

detail of what you do

is critical he explained as a cabinet

maker even the piece of wood that was

against the wall that he used in

building a cabinet was as

fine a piece of wood as the one on the

outside

well that conversation stuck with that

boy for the rest of his life he

internalized that

and almost obsessed about quality and

quality of design

and as he grew up and he built things he

built them in a manner where

they were as nice on the inside as they

were on the outside

and today over a billion people are

impacted by that conversation that took

place

that saturday morning because that boy

was steve jobs

you never know the impact of what your

influence is what steve and his dad

didn't know that day was that

conversation was the three percent

that helped steve find the other 97

percent that put him on a path to

design things as beautiful as the iphone

and ultimately touch each and every one

of us when you find your three percent

and you change

your path and your world then it's up to

you

to help somebody else find their three

percent

thank you very much