Speaking Up Without Freaking Out | Matt Abrahams | TEDxPaloAlto

Summary

In this inspiring speech, the speaker recounts his anxiety-ridden first public speaking experience and how it led to a lifelong mission to help others conquer their fear of communication. He shares insights on the evolutionary roots of anxiety and offers practical techniques to manage its physiological and cognitive symptoms. The speaker emphasizes the importance of reframing communication as a conversation rather than a performance, encouraging audience engagement and reducing stress. The story of a 72-year-old woman overcoming her fear to give a wedding toast exemplifies the power of persistence and the potential for anyone to manage anxiety and communicate effectively.

Takeaways

• 😳 The speaker experienced intense anxiety as a teenager during a speech contest, which led to a wardrobe malfunction and a profound understanding of the impact of anxiety on communication.
• 🗣️ Anxiety is common in high-stakes speaking situations, with 85% of people reportedly feeling anxious, suggesting that managing anxiety is crucial for effective communication.
• 🏋️‍♂️ The speaker advocates for managing, not overcoming, anxiety, as it can be a source of energy and focus, indicating that anxiety has a functional role in our lives.
• 🧠 Anxiety is deeply rooted in our evolutionary history, linked to our concern for status within social groups, which is essential for understanding its pervasiveness.
• 🤝 To manage anxiety, a two-pronged approach is needed: addressing both the symptoms (physiological and psychological) and the sources that exacerbate anxiety.
• 🌡️ Physiological symptoms of anxiety can be managed through deep breathing, making broad gestures, and using cold objects to reduce perspiration and blushing.
• 🧠 Cognitive symptoms can be mitigated by acknowledging anxiety and giving oneself permission to feel it, which can provide a sense of control and reduce its intensity.
• 🗺️ Having a communication 'map' or structure, such as the 'what, so what, now what' framework, can help manage anxiety by providing a clear plan and reducing the likelihood of forgetting key points.
• 👀 Redirecting the audience's attention through interactive elements like videos, polls, or handouts can alleviate the pressure on the speaker and increase audience engagement.
• 💬 Reframing communication as a conversation rather than a performance can reduce anxiety by focusing on the audience's needs and using more inclusive and conversational language.

Q & A

What was the speaker's embarrassing experience on the first day of high school?

The speaker's embarrassing experience was ripping his pants while performing a karate kick as part of his introduction in front of a large audience, including his friends, parents, and a girl he had a crush on.

How did the speaker's experience with anxiety lead to a life dedicated to helping others?

The speaker's experience with anxiety during his presentation led him to understand the impact of anxiety on communication. This realization motivated him to dedicate his life to assisting others in overcoming their fear of public speaking and communication.

What percentage of people, according to the speaker, feel anxious in high-stakes speaking situations?

The speaker states that 85% of people feel anxious in high-stakes speaking situations, suggesting that the remaining 15% might not be entirely truthful about their feelings.

Why does the speaker believe anxiety is helpful and should not be completely overcome?

The speaker believes anxiety is helpful because it provides energy, helps focus, and indicates the importance of the task at hand. However, it should be managed so that it does not control the individual.

What is the 'second-hand anxiety' mentioned by the speaker?

Second-hand anxiety refers to the discomfort and nervousness that audience members may feel when they see a speaker who is visibly anxious. This can distract them and make it difficult to focus on the message being communicated.

What evolutionary basis does the speaker give for anxiety in communication?

The speaker suggests that anxiety in communication is hardwired in us based on evolution, where our concern for relative status within a group was crucial for survival, as it affected access to resources, food, shelter, and reproduction.

What are the two-pronged approach strategies the speaker suggests to manage anxiety?

The two-pronged approach strategies to manage anxiety are addressing both the symptoms, which involve physiological and psychological aspects, and the sources, which are factors that exacerbate anxiety.

How can one manage the physiological symptoms of anxiety during communication?

To manage physiological symptoms of anxiety, one can take deep breaths, make broad gestures, hold something cold to reduce perspiration and blushing, and focus on calming the body.

What cognitive strategy does the speaker recommend to short-circuit the cycle of increasing anxiety?

The speaker recommends acknowledging the anxiety by giving oneself permission to feel nervous and recognizing the importance of the task at hand, which can help create a sense of agency and reduce the spiraling effect of anxiety.

What is the 'what so what now what' structure mentioned by the speaker, and how does it help manage anxiety?

The 'what so what now what' structure is a communication plan that starts with what is being communicated, explains why it is important (so what), and concludes with what comes next (now what). This structure helps manage anxiety by providing a clear map to follow, reducing the likelihood of forgetting key points and aiding audience retention.

How does the speaker suggest redirecting the audience's attention to manage anxiety?

The speaker suggests redirecting the audience's attention by showing a video clip, taking a poll, asking a question, or passing around a handout during a presentation. These activities distract the audience from focusing solely on the speaker, allowing the speaker to calm down and engage the audience more effectively.

What reframing does the speaker propose for communication to reduce anxiety?

The speaker proposes reframing communication not as a performance but as a conversation. This involves focusing on the audience's needs, using conversational language, and asking questions to create a more engaging and less stressful interaction.

Outlines

00:00

😅 Overcoming Communication Anxiety

The speaker shares a personal story from his first day of high school, where he was asked to participate in a speech contest. Despite being passionate about karate, his anxiety led to a wardrobe malfunction during his presentation, which became a turning point in his life. This experience taught him about the impact of anxiety on communication and inspired him to help others manage their fear. The speaker highlights that anxiety is common, with 85% of people feeling anxious in high-stakes speaking situations, and emphasizes the importance of managing anxiety to ensure that diverse voices are heard and society benefits from them.

05:04

💪 Managing Anxiety Through a Two-Pronged Approach

The speaker outlines a two-pronged approach to managing communication anxiety: addressing both the symptoms and the sources of anxiety. Symptoms include physiological and psychological reactions to high-stakes situations, such as increased heart rate, shaking, and sweating. Techniques to manage these symptoms include deep breathing, making broad gestures, and using cold objects to reduce blushing. The sources of anxiety are deeper-seated and can be managed by acknowledging one's anxiety, having a communication map or structure, redirecting the audience's attention, and reframing communication as a conversation rather than a performance. The speaker encourages the audience to be persistent and patient in managing their anxiety.

10:06

🎤 Transforming Communication into Conversation

The speaker concludes by emphasizing the importance of reframing communication as a conversation rather than a performance. This shift in perspective can reduce anxiety and make interactions more engaging for both the speaker and the audience. The speaker shares the story of Burma, a 72-year-old grandmother who overcame her fear of public speaking to give a toast at her granddaughter's wedding. This story illustrates that with determination and the right approach, anyone can manage their anxiety and communicate effectively. The speaker looks forward to a future where people can share their stories, ideas, and inputs without the overwhelming fear of public speaking.

Keywords

💡Anxiety

Anxiety refers to a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease about something with an uncertain outcome. In the video, the speaker discusses how anxiety affects communication, especially in high-stakes situations. The speaker's own experience of ripping his pants during a speech contest at the age of 14 illustrates the impact of anxiety on performance. The video emphasizes managing anxiety to ensure effective communication.

💡Communication

Communication is the process of exchanging information, ideas, or feelings through speech, signals, writing, or behavior. The video's main theme revolves around the challenges of communication when anxiety is present. The speaker shares personal stories and techniques to help manage anxiety, thereby improving communication skills. The video suggests that effective communication is crucial for sharing stories, ideas, and diverse voices.

💡Status

Status in the context of the video refers to an individual's position or rank within a social group, which is deeply rooted in human evolution. The speaker explains that our concern for relative status can exacerbate anxiety in social situations, including communication. The video suggests that understanding and managing our status-related anxiety can improve our communication within groups.

💡Presentation

A presentation is a formal discourse or show, often delivered to an audience with the aim of informing, persuading, or entertaining. The video uses the speaker's experience of giving a presentation on karate as a pivotal moment that shaped his understanding of anxiety's impact on communication. The video also provides strategies for managing anxiety during presentations to ensure the message is effectively conveyed.

💡Cognitive Symptoms

Cognitive symptoms relate to mental processes and include thoughts and feelings that can accompany anxiety. In the video, the speaker describes how cognitive symptoms of anxiety, such as negative self-talk and fear of forgetting, can hinder communication. Techniques to manage these symptoms are discussed, such as acknowledging anxiety and reframing thoughts to reduce their impact.

💡Physiological Symptoms

Physiological symptoms are physical manifestations of anxiety, such as increased heart rate, shaking, sweating, or blushing. The video provides practical advice on how to manage these symptoms, like taking deep breaths, making broad gestures, and using cold objects to reduce blushing. By managing physiological symptoms, individuals can feel more in control during communication.

💡Second-hand Anxiety

Second-hand anxiety is the nervousness or discomfort that an audience may feel when witnessing a speaker's anxiety. The video explains that a speaker's anxiety can be contagious, making the audience feel uneasy and distracted from the message. Managing a speaker's anxiety not only benefits the speaker but also the audience by creating a more comfortable and engaged environment.

💡Structure

In the context of communication, structure refers to an organized framework or plan that guides the flow of information. The video introduces the 'what, so what, now what' structure as a way to manage anxiety by providing a clear roadmap for presentations. This structure helps speakers remember their points and ensures the audience can follow and retain the information being shared.

💡Performance

Performance in the video is used to describe the traditional view of communication as a one-way act where correctness and perfection are emphasized. The speaker argues against this view, suggesting that communication should be reframed as a conversation rather than a performance. This shift in perspective can reduce the pressure to perform perfectly and foster more natural and engaging communication.

💡Conversation

Conversation is an interactive exchange of ideas, information, or feelings through spoken words. The video encourages viewing communication as a conversation rather than a performance. This approach focuses on being audience-centric, using inclusive language, and asking questions to create a more engaging and less stressful interaction for both the speaker and the audience.

Highlights

Anxiety's impact on communication and the importance of managing it.

The speaker's personal story of anxiety during a speech contest at the age of 14.

The revelation that 85% of people feel anxious in high-stakes speaking situations.

The concept that anxiety is helpful but must be managed to prevent it from controlling us.

The idea of 'second-hand anxiety' and how the speaker's anxiety affects the audience.

The evolutionary basis for anxiety and its connection to our social status.

Strategies to manage physiological symptoms of anxiety like deep breathing and making broad gestures.

Cognitive techniques to manage anxiety, such as acknowledging and accepting nervous feelings.

The importance of having a communication plan or 'map' to prevent forgetting during speeches.

Redirecting audience attention as a method to manage the fear of judgment.

Reframing communication as a conversation rather than a performance to reduce anxiety.

The benefits of an audience-centric approach and using conversational language in communication.

The story of Erma, a 72-year-old grandmother, overcoming her communication anxiety.

The transformative power of managing anxiety in various communication scenarios.

The encouragement for everyone to speak up without freaking out.

The call to action for listeners to share their stories, input, and ideas more confidently.

Transcripts

panic embarrassed exposed no that's not

how I'm

right now mostly those are the feelings

I had as a 14 year old boy on the very

first day of high school my English

teacher mr. Meredith had each of us

stand up and introduce ourselves when

class was over he called me over and

said hey Matt you're really good at this

talking thing I need you on Saturday to

show up at the speech contest doing as I

was told

I prepared a 10-minute presentation on

karate it was something I was passionate

about and it was pretty easy to do now

that cold September Saturday morning

when I showed up I was shocked the room

was much larger than I had expected

there were many more people there my

friends my friends parents who were

serving as judges and the girl I had a

crush on at that moment I felt

tremendous anxiety in the first 10

seconds of my 10-minute presentation my

life changed forever

you see I started my presentation with a

karate kick I was told to do this

because it would engage the audience and

get their attention but because of my

anxiety I forgot to put on my special

karate pants you know the ones with a

little extra room down there you get

where this is going I ripped my pants

from belt loop to zipper in that moment

I learned the impact of anxiety on

communication and from that moment I

have dedicated my life to helping others

learn to address this fear each of us

has stories to share

input to give and ideas to spread if we

allow anxiety to get in the way of that

we miss out society misses out and we

lose valuable diverse voices now I am

NOT alone in my anxiety in communication

if you have ever given spontaneous

feedback given a presentation

spoken up in a meeting or even asked

somebody on a date you know what this

anxiety feels like research shares with

us that 85% of people feel anxious in

high-stakes speaking situations and

quite frankly I think the other 15% are

lying I think we can create a situation

in which they would feel nervous too

so we must act to manage our anxiety so

we can accomplish our communication

goals now I use that word managed very

carefully I don't think we can ever

truly overcome our anxiety nor would we

want to anxiety is actually helpful it

gives us energy

it helps us focus it tells us what we're

doing is important but we must manage it

so it doesn't manage us and it's not

just to help us feel more confident it

helps our audience as well how do you

feel when you see a nervous speaker

communicate some of you might like to

watch people suffer but most of us don't

most of us feel very uncomfortable in

awkward in fact I call this second hand

anxiety the communicators anxiety makes

us feel nervous as an audience and

therefore we're distracted and we can't

pay attention to the message so we need

to manage our anxiety not just to help

ourselves as communicators but to help

our audience get our message before I

introduce you to some techniques that

can help us manage our anxiety I think

we need to spend a few moments

understanding where this anxiety comes

from I believe it's hardwired in us it's

based on evolution we are wired to be

very concerned about our relative status

to others now I'm not saying who drives

the fanciest car or who has the most

likes to a post they've just put up I'm

talking about the status that existed

when our species was first evolving and

we were hanging out in groups of about a

hundred and fifty people your relative

status there meant everything

Ament access to resources food shelter

reproduction it was absolutely critical

that you had status within that group it

was a matter of life or death

so this constant surveillance and

understanding of our status is something

that we carry forward to this day yet we

can manage it but we have to take a

two-pronged approach we have to first

address the symptoms as well as the

sources the symptoms have to do with

what goes on in our body physiologically

and what goes on in our mind

psychologically and sources are things

that actually make our anxiety worse so

let's get started for some of us when we

start communicating in high-stakes

situations we feel our heart pound maybe

we get a little shaky maybe we perspire

or blush we can manage these symptoms

take a deep breath before you start the

kind of breath you would do if you're

doing yoga or Tai Chi or Qi Gong that'll

calm you down if you shake gesture

broadly big broad gestures they can

really help that adrenalin go somewhere

most nervous people make themselves

small and tight and they hold it in and

shake if you perspire a blush hold

something cold in the palm of your hand

it'll cool you down much like putting a

cold compress on your forehead or the

back of your neck if you have a fever

holding something cold reduces your core

body temperature reduces the

perspiration reduces the blushing you've

all experienced this in Reverse on a

cold day have you ever held hot coffee

or tea and felt how it warmed you up

we're just doing the opposite there are

things you can do to manage the

physiological symptoms you have around

anxiety now what about the cognitive

symptoms the thing that makes people

really nervous

cognitively is their own anxiety it

works something like this you're sitting

in a meeting and your turn is about to

come up and as you're sitting there you

start getting a little shaky you might

have some

beads of perspiration on your brow and

you start thinking to yourself oh my

goodness this is really important I

should have prepared more I can't

believe I'm in this situation why am I

doing this I'm not my colleague this

sucks

that's your anxiety making you more

nervous there is a way that you can

short-circuit this instead of running

away from your anxiety greet it say to

yourself this is me feeling nervous it

makes sense that I'm nervous I'm about

to do something of consequence and

importance and by giving yourself

permission to feel anxious you actually

give yourself a sense of agency you can

take a breath walk around the building

this will help you feel composed rather

than as if your anxiety is spiraling out

of control we can do things that manage

our physiological and psychological

symptoms but we also have to address the

things that make our anxiety worse the

sources the number one fear I hear from

people is I'm afraid I'm going to forget

I'm gonna blank out a great way to

manage this is to have a map you can't

get lost if you have a map a map is

nothing more in communication than a

plan a structure a design there are many

structures that can help you with your

communication my favorite is the what so

what now what structure you start by

talking about what it is you're

communicating could be your idea your

plan your product a process you then

explain why it's important to your

audience how do they value from what

you're saying and then finally you

explain what is next what comes

afterwards by having a structure like

what so what now what you are less

likely to forget and by the way it helps

the people you're speaking to remember

what you're saying as well now another

big accelerant to anxiety has to do with

the valuation in judgment we feel the

audience is doing on us

a great way to manage this is to

redirect their attention have them focus

on something else so if you're giving a

presentation show a video clip take a

poll if you're in interpersonal

communication ask a question pass around

a hand out these distract people from

paying attention to you

it gives you an opportunity to calm down

and the cool thing is it gets them more

involved and engaged it's a true win-win

the last source I'd like to talk about

has to do with how we see our

communication raise your hand if you

have done one of these four things

before in your life has anybody done any

singing dancing acting or played a sport

everybody in each of those activities

there's a right way and a wrong way to

do it you're performing if you're an

actor and you miss speak your line at

the wrong time in the wrong place you've

made a mistake not just for you but the

audience and the other actors if you're

an athlete and you don't do what your

sport requires at the right time in the

right way you've done it wrong in fact

some sports keep track of the errors you

make we carry this mentality of right or

wrong into our communication I am here

to tell you as somebody who has been

doing this for a long long time there is

no right way to communicate there are

better ways in worse ways certainly but

no one right way so we need to replace

the way we see communication as a

performance as something else and I'd

like to suggest we need to reframe it as

a conversation how do you do that first

and foremost put your attention on your

audience you're in service of their

needs with this audience centric

approach it makes it more conversational

second use conversational language words

like us you and we that involves people

and finally ask questions questions by

their very nature are conversations

there to weigh in so doing you make the

interaction less stressful for you and

more engaging for your audience

so taken together there are things that

we can do to manage our anxiety by

addressing both symptoms and sources now

this isn't necessarily easy it takes

time it takes persistence we're fighting

against ingrained anxiety and years of

learned behaviors and habits but with a

little self kindness in patience we can

learn to manage our anxiety I see it

happen all the time let me share a story

with you

I met Erma who is a 72 year old

grandmother a couple years ago Burma

like me had a very traumatic experience

in high school she contributed some

comment in class and her English teacher

looked at her and said that is the

absolute worst communication I have ever

heard

from that moment on Burma actively

avoided communicating with others so

much so that she chose the profession as

a research librarian specifically so she

wouldn't have to talk to many people but

one day her granddaughter who she loved

very much asked her to give a toast at

her wedding

Burma wanted to fulfill this request and

that's where our paths crossed I'll

never forget the look on Irma's face

when she told me of her goal it was a

combination of sheer terror and complete

determination now I am thrilled to share

with you that Burma after three months

of hard work and a little encouragement

gave an amazing toast the joy on her

face is something that I will never

forget like Burma we all can learn to

manage our anxiety regardless of if

you're presenting at a wedding or in a

meeting if you're pitching or protesting

you can learn to feel more confident

when you communicate and we all benefit

from the stories you're going to share

the input you're going to give and the

ideas that you're going to spread I so

look forward to your speaking up without

freaking out

thank you

[Applause]

[Music]