How to win a negotiation, with former FBI hostage chief Chris Voss
Summary
TLDRThis transcript from a video featuring an FBI hostage negotiator delves into the power of emotional intelligence in negotiation. It highlights the importance of understanding and addressing the emotional drivers behind people's decisions, which is crucial in hostage situations and equally applicable in business and personal negotiations. The speaker emphasizes 'tactical empathy' and the concept of 'listeners judo,' illustrating how acknowledging and labeling emotions can lead to more successful outcomes. The narrative includes practical examples, such as a customer service interaction, to demonstrate the effectiveness of these techniques in real-life scenarios.
Takeaways
- 👂 Hostage negotiation skills involve intense listening and emotional intelligence, which are crucial for understanding and calming people in high-pressure situations.
- 🔍 The speaker emphasizes that people's decision-making in intense situations is driven by the same factors as in normal circumstances, suggesting that negotiation skills are universally applicable.
- 💡 The script highlights that successful negotiations are not just about logic or compromise, but also about understanding and leveraging people's emotions and passions.
- 💰 The speaker points out that failing to consider emotional factors in negotiations can lead to significant financial losses over time.
- 🤝 Tactical empathy is presented as a key strategy in negotiations, where understanding and acknowledging the other party's feelings can lead to better outcomes.
- 🧠 The script introduces the concept of 'listener's judo,' a form of active listening that focuses on identifying the underlying emotions and motivations of the speaker.
- 🏆 The importance of acknowledging and addressing the fear of loss in negotiations is discussed, as people tend to value avoiding losses more than acquiring gains.
- 🏷 Labeling emotions and dynamics through phrases like 'it seems like' or 'it sounds like' is suggested as a way to practice tactical empathy and reduce the intensity of negative emotions.
- 🗣️ The speaker shares a personal anecdote about using empathy and acknowledgment to turn a negative customer service interaction into a positive outcome.
- 🌟 The script concludes by suggesting that being nice and understanding towards others can lead to surprising acts of generosity and support.
Q & A
What was the speaker's initial training before becoming an FBI hostage negotiator?
-The speaker's initial training involved focused listening on a suicide hotline, which helped them learn about emotional intelligence and what drives people.
How did the hostage negotiators communicate with the gunman during the Chase Manhattan Bank incident?
-The hostage negotiators used a bullhorn to try and talk to the gunman during the incident.
What does the speaker believe is the key to successful hostage negotiation?
-The speaker believes that excellent hostage negotiating involves understanding and navigating human emotions to calm people down and help them make decisions.
How can hostage negotiation skills be applied to business and personal negotiations?
-Hostage negotiation skills, which are about navigating human emotions, can be applied to business and personal negotiations to work through complex situations and achieve better outcomes.
Why does the speaker argue that successful negotiations are not solely based on logic or compromise?
-The speaker argues that successful negotiations are not just about logic or compromise because people make decisions based on their emotions and what they care about, which can leave significant value on the table if not addressed.
What is the significance of understanding the other side's emotional perspective in negotiations?
-Understanding the other side's emotional perspective is significant because it allows for tactical empathy, which can lead to better understanding of their motivations and how to interact effectively with them.
How does the fear of loss influence decision-making in negotiations?
-The fear of loss drives decision-making more than the potential for gain, as people tend to value losses at least twice as much as equivalent gains, which can skew negotiations.
What is the role of tactical empathy in negotiations?
-Tactical empathy plays a role in negotiations by addressing the fears and concerns of the other party first, which can help diffuse negative emotions and lead to a more rational and open-minded discussion.
What is the concept of 'labeling' in the context of tactical empathy?
-Labeling in tactical empathy involves using phrases like 'it seems like' or 'it looks like' to put a label on the dynamic of a situation, which can help diminish negative emotions and improve understanding.
How does the speaker describe the type of listening they practice and teach?
-The speaker describes their listening approach as 'listeners judo', which involves carefully listening for aspects of what people care about and what they are against, looking for both positive and negative implications.
Can you provide an example from the script where the speaker used their negotiation skills in a non-hostage situation?
-The speaker provided an example of using their negotiation skills with a customer service representative from an airline, where they appreciated her generosity with their time, which led to a positive outcome.
Outlines
🔍 The Power of Emotional Intelligence in Negotiation
The speaker's negotiation background began with intense training on focused listening and emotional intelligence through work on a suicide hotline. This foundation was crucial for later work as an FBI hostage negotiator. The speaker discusses how people in high-pressure situations make decisions similarly to those in less intense circumstances, suggesting that hostage negotiation skills can be effectively applied to business and personal negotiations. The speaker emphasizes that successful negotiations are not solely based on logic or compromise but are heavily influenced by emotions. Understanding and addressing the emotional drivers of decision-making is key to making great deals and fostering long-term relationships. The concept of 'tactical empathy' is introduced as a method to understand and connect with the emotional state of the other party, which can lead to more successful outcomes. The speaker also touches on the importance of recognizing and addressing the fear of loss, which can significantly influence decision-making.
🎧 Advanced Listening Techniques for Effective Negotiation
The speaker delves into the advanced listening techniques that go beyond active listening, which they refer to as 'listeners judo'. This approach involves carefully listening for the underlying concerns and motivations of the other party, both positive and negative. The speaker explains that people often reveal their true feelings and priorities between the lines, and by recognizing these, one can guide a negotiation more effectively. An example is provided where the speaker uses this technique in a customer service interaction, appreciating the representative's time and generosity, which leads to a positive outcome. The speaker concludes by highlighting the importance of being nice to people and how it can lead to surprising acts of kindness and assistance.
Mindmap
Keywords
💡Hostage Negotiator
💡Emotional Intelligence
💡Tactical Empathy
💡Decision-making
💡Fear of Loss
💡Tactical Listening
💡Labeling
💡Active Listening
💡Yin and Yang
💡Customer Service
💡Negotiation
Highlights
The speaker's negotiation background began with intense listening training on a suicide hotline, focusing on emotional intelligence.
Hostage negotiation is deeply rooted in understanding and navigating human emotions rather than logic or reasoning.
People under intense situations make decisions based on their emotional patterns, which can be leveraged in negotiations.
Emotional intelligence in negotiations, particularly using empathy, is critical for long-term success in both business and personal relationships.
Many negotiators mistakenly view negotiations as conflict and focus on the person across the table, rather than on understanding their emotions.
All decisions are emotionally driven, meaning understanding the emotional context is key to successful negotiations.
A critical aspect of negotiation is demonstrating that you fully understand the other side's emotions and concerns.
Often, being understood is more important to a negotiator than getting what they want, highlighting the value of empathy.
Tactical empathy involves recognizing the emotional drivers behind someone's decision-making and addressing them effectively.
Fear of loss is a powerful motivator, with people often valuing potential losses more than equivalent gains in negotiations.
Labeling a negative emotion, such as saying 'it seems like,' helps to diminish its impact and facilitate more productive discussions.
Preemptively addressing potential negative responses can lead to better outcomes, as people feel more at ease once concerns are acknowledged.
Listening carefully to both positive and negative emotions allows negotiators to guide conversations effectively.
Understanding the yin and yang of emotions—every positive has a negative and vice versa—helps in steering discussions strategically.
An example of empathy in practice: the speaker showed appreciation for a stressed customer service agent, resulting in a favorable outcome—a full refund.
Transcripts
- My negotiation background really started
even before I became an FBI hostage negotiator
because I needed to get some training.
And that training was really intense, focused listening
on a suicide hotline.
Really learning about emotional intelligence
and what drives people, and then how to navigate that
in a way that calms people down,
makes people make decisions.
- 'Gunmen burst into the Chase Manhattan Bank
in Park Slope this morning.
And ever since negotiators have been trying
to get them to give up.'
- 'Hostage negotiators used a bullhorn to try
and talk to the gunman.'
- 'Billy, we're on the same page.'
- 'What persuaded
the gunman finally to come out?
- I think it was excellent hostage negotiating.'
- People in intense situations
aren't changing their patterns.
They're still working in the same way
that they would under less intense circumstances;
they're still making the same decisions.
So if you take hostage negotiation skills,
which are navigating human emotions,
and you put them in the middle of business
and personal negotiations,
you've actually got a great way to work your way
through business negotiations,
and personal and everyday life negotiations.
If you think that successful negotiations are successful
because of logic or arguments or reason or compromise,
you're losing money-
you're leaving millions of dollars on the table.
And over the course of a lifetime,
that could be true for everybody.
Tactically, emotional intelligent negotiation
is the way you make great deals,
and the way you have great long-term relationships.
And sometimes they miss that and they think
that the problem is a person across the table.
And that's why, oftentimes, that people think of it
as conflict and actually treat it as conflict.
Negotiation is really about
what people are making decisions based on
what they care about, what's your passions?
Every decision you make, you make based on
what you care about, which I'm afraid that by definition,
that makes decision-making an emotional process.
First of all, understanding where
the other side's coming from and especially emotionally,
and then being able to feed it back to them
in a way that they signal to you that you've got it right.
Understand and demonstrate that understanding.
There are a lot of negotiators
that really will give in on a deal
because being understood is more important
than getting what they want.
So once we completely understand
where somebody's coming from, then with tactical empathy,
we get a much better feel for exactly how they feel
about things, how that drives them-
and then how we can interact with the things
that are driving them.
The reasons you won't make a deal are typically
more important than the reasons you will make a deal.
There's Nobel Prize-winning behavioral economics theory
that says that people will put a value of losses
on at least twice what an equivalent gain is.
So losing $5 stings at least twice as much as gaining $5.
Losing $5 feels like losing $10 or even $35-
it's just a ridiculous skewing in our brains over loss.
So knowing that fear of loss is probably going
to drive someone's decision-making more than anything else,
tactically, I want to diffuse those fears.
I want to get them out of that fear-based thinking,
and I want to get them really in a more rational,
open frame of mind as quickly as I can,
which is why, tactically and empathy,
I wanna address their fears first.
Well, labeling is the best way to practice tactical empathy:
In its strictest form, it's just saying, or writing,
"it seems like, it sounds like, it looks like,"
putting a label on the dynamic.
And science is showing us now, that if we label a negative,
it diminishes it.
I'll actually say to somebody ahead of time,
"Look, this is gonna sound really harsh,
and there's a really good chance
that when I get done saying what I'm gonna say,
you're not gonna like me at all."
And then I'll say what I have to say,
and they'll say, "Wow, that wasn't that bad."
So I know I can take a very preemptive approach
to negative thinking because I know what a barrier it is
to decision-making in business.
The type of listening-I practice it as I teach it-
is really kind of beyond active listening all by itself.
We even sort of refer to it sometimes as 'listeners judo'
because we're listening very carefully for certain things.
We're listening for different aspects
of what people care about, and what they're against
at the same time.
People will reveal the negatives, very much,
either between the lines, a little bit of the adjectives,
and in also in every positive there's a flip side negative;
every negative, there's a flip side positive.
If I make it a point of talking about how I'm for integrity,
then if you're making it a point to state that
then you've been betrayed in the past,
that's been a problem for you in the past.
There's a yin and yang to everything.
And as soon as you realize that,
that there's a negative to every positive
and a positive to every negative,
and you're listening for it, you can kind of pick out
how you want to guide a discussion knowing
that those are the things that you're looking for.
I remember one time I was on the phone
with a customer service airlines person,
and that's gotta be a tough job
because those people get yelled at all day long every day.
Nobody calls customer service unless they're unhappy.
And this woman was one of those women
that she clearly she'd been yelled
at 50 times during the day,
and she was not interested in staying on the phone
with me a moment longer than she had to.
And I remember when I was off the phone
and she had me on hold, I remember saying,
"You know, I guarantee you this woman right now is thinking,
she's saying to her colleagues,
'You know, this guy's lucky I'm talking
to him on a phone at all!'"
So I was thinking about the negative of that,
and then I was about the flip side.
Well in her view, if she thinks I'm lucky to be talking
to her on the phone,
then the flip side of that is she's actually being generous
in her mind and her world.
She came back on the phone and I said to her,
"You know what?
I really appreciate how generous you've been
with your time."
And I could tell immediately her frame of mind changed.
She put me back on hold for about a minute
and a half after that.
And when she came back on the phone,
she'd given me a full refund on my ticket.
Most people, if you're nice to them,
can help you by doing a little bit
if you give them a chance.
If you're just nice to people,
it's amazing what they'll do for you.
- That's awesome. - That was great story.
- Thank you. - Thank you for awesomeness.
- Get smarter, faster
with videos from the world's biggest thinkers.
And to learn even more from the world's biggest thinkers,
Get Big Think+ for your business.
تصفح المزيد من مقاطع الفيديو ذات الصلة
Mindset For Overcoming Adversity With Crisis Negotiator Kirk Kinnell
Never Split The Difference | Chris Voss | TEDxUniversityofNevada
How To Get What You Want Every Time: ex FBI agent Chris Voss
Chris Voss: Negotiating Health, Navigating Difficult Conversations with Family & How to Change Minds
Never Split The Difference Summary & Review (Chris Voss) - ANIMATED
how to MASTER your emotions | emotional intelligence
5.0 / 5 (0 votes)