Why There’s So Much Conflict at Work and What You Can Do to Fix It Liz Kislik TEDxBaylorSchool 1

Summary

The speaker emphasizes the importance of addressing underlying structures rather than merely focusing on people's behavior in conflict resolution. They share a five-step approach to tackle persistent conflicts, including recognizing structural issues, asking critical questions, ensuring alignment, seeking allies, and teaching new communication habits. Techniques like 'lizard listening' and 'elephant cards' are introduced to foster better understanding and dialogue, ultimately aiming to improve organizational and societal functioning.

Takeaways

• 🤔 Conflict is often attributed to individual behaviors, but it's more complex and rooted in underlying structures.
• 👥 The belief that conflict would disappear if people behaved better can perpetuate and escalate conflicts.
• 🏢 Conflict management is crucial in various settings, including businesses, non-profits, schools, families, and societies.
• 🔍 To solve conflict, one must delve deeper into the structures that contribute to it rather than just addressing surface-level issues.
• 👂 'Lizard Listening' is a technique to consider how our primal brain reacts to emotional cues and to communicate in a way that avoids triggering it.
• 🧐 The 'Evil Logic Check' encourages reevaluating perceptions of others, questioning whether they are truly evil or just misunderstood.
• 🐘 'Elephant Cards' are a tool for addressing uncomfortable truths or taboo topics in a group setting, promoting open and honest communication.
• 🤝 Building alliances and seeking support from others can be instrumental in implementing changes to resolve conflicts.
• 🛠 Teaching new habits for managing differences is essential to equip individuals with better communication skills during conflicts.
• 💪 Resolving persistent conflict requires courage, commitment, humor, and effort from all parties involved.
• 🌟 Understanding the root causes of conflict can lead to more effective collaboration and contribution in various social contexts.

Q & A

What is the common misconception about conflict?

The common misconception is that conflict happens only between people, and if those people would just behave better, conflict would not exist.

Why does the belief that conflict is solely due to people's behavior often lead to more conflict?

This belief leads to actions and words that exacerbate conflict, causing more damage to organizations and individuals.

What are the five steps suggested to fix conflict?

The steps are not explicitly listed in the transcript, but the speaker mentions the need to look at underlying structures, manage up effectively, and teach new habits for managing differences.

What is the significance of looking at the structures underlying conflict?

Understanding the underlying structures helps in addressing the root causes of conflict, rather than just the visible interpersonal issues.

How can teaching new habits for managing differences help in resolving conflict?

New habits can help people deal with strong feelings and stressful thinking that conflict brings, leading to more effective communication and resolution.

What is 'lizard listening' and why is it important in conflict resolution?

'Lizard listening' is a technique that reminds clients to consider how their words might be interpreted by others' amygdala, or 'lizard brain,' which can misinterpret emotional cues as physical danger. This helps in reframing conversations positively.

What is the purpose of the 'evil logic check' technique?

The 'evil logic check' helps clients reconsider their perceptions of others by questioning whether someone they find annoying is truly evil, leading to a more compassionate understanding of their actions.

What are 'elephant cards' and how do they facilitate communication in conflict situations?

'Elephant cards' are a tool used to bring up important but uncomfortable topics in a meeting. They allow anyone to initiate a discussion on previously undiscussable subjects, promoting open communication.

Why is it crucial to uncover and understand what's truly underneath any conflict?

Uncovering the true underlying causes of conflict is essential for effective resolution and for enabling people to work together successfully for everyone's benefit.

What does the speaker suggest is necessary to help schools, workplaces, and civic organizations function better?

The speaker suggests that uncovering and understanding the root causes of conflict is necessary to help these organizations function better and enable people to make their real contributions.

What qualities does the speaker mention are needed to work through conflict effectively?

The speaker mentions that working through conflict requires courage, commitment, humor, and a lot of effort.

Outlines

00:00

🤝 Conflict Resolution Through Structural Understanding

This paragraph discusses the common misconception that conflict arises solely from interpersonal annoyances. The speaker emphasizes the importance of looking beyond surface-level irritations to the underlying structures that perpetuate conflict. They propose a five-step approach to address and resolve conflicts, starting with recognizing the problem with structures and ending with teaching new habits for managing differences. Techniques such as 'lizard listening' and the 'evil logic check' are introduced to help individuals navigate the emotional and cognitive challenges that conflict presents.

05:02

🐘 Addressing the Unspoken with Elephant Cards

The second paragraph introduces a tool for addressing uncomfortable truths or 'elephant in the room' issues within a group setting. The 'elephant card' is a mechanism that allows anyone to bring up important but undiscussed topics without directly confronting others. The speaker shares that this method has been effective in facilitating discussions that were previously considered taboo. The paragraph concludes with the speaker's belief in the necessity of understanding the root causes of conflict to improve the functionality of various social and organizational structures, advocating for courage, commitment, and effort in resolving persistent conflicts.

Keywords

💡Conflict

Conflict is a central theme in the video, referring to the disagreements or clashes that occur between individuals or groups. It is defined by the video as something that is commonly seen as a result of people's interactions, which can be annoying but are only part of the larger picture. The script discusses how the mistaken belief that conflict is solely due to individuals can lead to persistent issues within organizations, emphasizing the need to look beyond the surface to understand and resolve conflicts effectively.

💡Amygdala

The amygdala, often referred to as the 'lizard brain,' is a part of the brain involved in processing emotions and is mentioned in the context of 'lizard listening.' It is defined as the part of the brain that interprets emotional cues as physical danger before logical assessment can occur. The video uses the concept of the amygdala to explain how people can misinterpret communication during conflicts, leading to further misunderstandings and tension.

💡Interpersonal Communication

Interpersonal communication is a key concept in the video, highlighting the importance of how people interact with each other, especially in conflict. It is defined as the exchange of information between individuals, which can be affected by personal feelings and perceptions. The script discusses the need for new techniques and habits to improve communication during conflicts, such as 'lizard listening' and the 'evil logic check,' to foster better understanding and resolution.

💡Evil Logic Check

The 'evil logic check' is a technique introduced in the video to help individuals reassess their perceptions of others involved in conflicts. It is defined as a method to challenge the immediate assumption that someone is 'evil' when they annoy us, by asking whether a smart person would do a 'stupid' thing. The video uses this concept to illustrate how reevaluating such judgments can lead to a deeper understanding of the situation and potentially foster compassion.

💡Elephant Cards

Elephant Cards are a tool mentioned in the video for addressing uncomfortable or 'undiscussable' topics in a group setting. They are defined as a mechanism to bring important but often avoided issues to the forefront of a conversation. The script describes how playing an 'elephant card' can initiate discussions that were previously considered too risky or sensitive, thereby promoting open dialogue and conflict resolution.

💡Structures

Structures in the video refer to the underlying systems or frameworks that can contribute to conflicts within organizations. They are defined as the foundational elements that may not be immediately visible but have a significant impact on how conflicts arise and persist. The video emphasizes the importance of examining these structures to understand the root causes of conflicts and to implement effective solutions.

💡Performance

Performance is discussed in the context of how conflict resolution can lead to improved outcomes within organizations. It is defined as the effectiveness and efficiency with which tasks are completed. The video suggests that by addressing the underlying causes of conflicts and improving communication, organizations can enhance their overall performance and productivity.

💡Productivity

Productivity is a measure of the efficiency of production in the video, and it is closely linked to the resolution of conflicts. It is defined as the rate at which goods or services are produced in relation to the resources used. The script implies that by managing conflicts effectively, organizations can increase their productivity, as resources are used more efficiently and work environments become more conducive to output.

💡Behavior

Behavior in the video is related to how individuals act within organizations and how it can be influenced by conflict resolution. It is defined as the way in which one conducts oneself or the actions one takes. The video suggests that better conflict management can lead to improved behavior, particularly within executive teams, as more positive and productive interactions are fostered.

💡Allies

Allies in the context of the video are individuals or groups that can support the implementation of changes to resolve conflicts. They are defined as those who share a common goal or interest and can assist in achieving objectives. The script mentions the importance of identifying allies to help with the implementation of new conflict management strategies, indicating that collaboration is key to successful conflict resolution.

💡Techniques

Techniques in the video refer to specific methods or approaches used to manage and resolve conflicts. They are defined as the practical skills or procedures employed to deal with challenges. The script provides examples of such techniques, including 'lizard listening' and the 'evil logic check,' which are designed to help individuals navigate conflicts more effectively and promote better communication.

Highlights

Conflict is often seen as something that happens between people.

People are the most visible part of conflict, but not the only factor.

A common belief is that conflict would disappear if people could work things out.

This belief can lead to actions that perpetuate conflict.

Conflict can affect businesses, non-profits, schools, families, and societies.

To solve conflict, one must look at the underlying structures.

Five steps are proposed to fix conflict.

The importance of managing up to improve performance and behavior.

The fifth step involves teaching new habits for managing differences.

Interpersonal communication problems need to be addressed.

Lizard listening is a technique to reconsider communication through the lens of the amygdala.

The evil logic check encourages rethinking negative labels about others.

Elephant cards are used to discuss uncomfortable but important topics.

Eliminating dysfunctional individuals is part of the conflict resolution process.

Asking the right people the right questions is crucial.

Ensuring alignment is key to resolving conflict.

Finding allies to help implement change is important.

Teaching specific techniques can improve communication.

Working through these steps requires courage, commitment, humor, and effort.

Uncovering the true underlying causes of conflict is essential for successful resolution.

Understanding and addressing conflict can help improve various organizations and societal functions.

Transcripts

we usually think

of conflict as something that happens

between

people

after all

who's there when things go wrong

people

and people can be

very

annoying

but they're really just

the part of the story that's easiest to

see

in almost 30 years of working with

employees at every level from warehouse

associates and service reps to ceos i've

seen over and over what happens when we

hold the mistaken belief

that conflict would not exist if those

annoying people

would just get themselves together

and work things out

unfortunately

when we operate out of that belief we

tend to say and do things that cause

conflict to persist

and to create even more damage to both

organizations and the people in them

and that's true whether we're talking

about businesses or non-profits

schools

even families and entire societies

if we want to solve conflict

we've got to do some digging

we have to look at the structures

that lie underneath the conflict

and i'm going to give you an example and

then five steps that you can take to fix

conflict wherever you are so we're able

to start managing up

in ways that created better performance

better productivity and definitely

better behavior

even within the executive team

and the fifth step

teach new habits for managing

differences i've talked about

the problems with

structures and how you have to recognize

them and what their impact can be

but from time to time

people do have significant interpersonal

communication problems so it only makes

sense to teach some new techniques and

habits

that can help people deal

with

the strong feelings and the stressful

thinking that conflict brings with it

here are just a few of the habits i

teach my clients

the first one

is called lizard listening

i remind clients that our amygdala

our ancient lizard brain

interprets immune emotional cues

as if they were present physical danger

even before we have a chance to assess

what's going on or interpret them

logically

i encourage them to reconsider

what they've just said or are planning

to say to their counterpart in conflict

and to think about what will happen

when that counterpart

filters the conversation

through their lizard brain

what

misconceptions

could come up inaccurate negative

beliefs

what could be misconstrued even

perfectly good intentions are there ways

to reframe those negatives

so that the next conversation can be

more persuasive and more positive

then we have the evil logic check

when somebody bothers us

we tend to think of them as a bad

person so when clients complain about

the bad people they work with i ask them

specifically if they think their

counterpart is evil and that's the word

i use because it's so strong

no no they have to step back

she's not really evil she's just

annoying

so then i press it a little bit further

and i ask

why would a smart person

do such a stupid thing this leading

question

helps people reconsider

what's really going on with that

annoying person and sometimes

in addition to the alternative

explanations for what they meant

they can even develop some compassion

for the annoying person's situation

because after all

when we label behavior as bad and stupid

it is usually coming from some form

of pressure

fear or threat

and then my favorite are these elephant

cards

sometimes there is something important

and true

that needs to be said

but it's too uncomfortable

most of us don't want to be the one

to put someone on the spot

we don't like to say something that

sounds unkind

it can feel like a real risk

to put undiscussable subjects on the

table

i distribute these elephant cords at my

facilitations

when there's something

important going unsaid

anybody in the room can play an elephant

card i have clients who are doing this

years later the very act of playing the

card

raises the possibility with other people

who understand the significance

that you can discuss topics which

previously would have been impermissible

okay

so

we have

ruled out dysfunctional individuals

we've asked the right people the right

questions

we've ensured that we have alignment

we've looked for allies to help us

implement the change and we've taught

some specific techniques so people feel

that they have a better way to

communicate with each other

now let me tell you

working through these five steps

it's not easy

it takes courage and commitment

it takes a little humor and it takes a

heap of effort to get traction on

persistent conflict

but if we are ever

going to help our schools

our workplaces

and our civic organizations function

better

if we want to help people make the real

contribution

that they can

we have to uncover and understand

what's truly

underneath

any conflict in any situation

then

we can help people work together

successfully

for everyone's benefit

wherever we are

thank you

[Applause]