What To Do When Your Anxious Attachment is Pushing a Good Person Away

Summary

In this episode, relationship coach Claire addresses the struggles of individuals with anxious attachment in romantic relationships. She shares personal experiences and insights on how overachievers, accustomed to gaining love and security through accomplishments, often misinterpret reassurance and inadvertently push partners away. Claire emphasizes the importance of shifting focus from 'doing' to 'being' in relationships, advocating for an internal focus on personal qualities like openness and compassion to foster genuine connection and intimacy.

Takeaways

• 😌 The speaker, Claire, emphasizes the importance of dealing with anxious attachment in relationships and offers guidance for those who feel their symptoms may be pushing away a good partner.
• 💔 Recognizing the pattern of feeling the same fight happening repeatedly can be a sign of underlying relationship anxiety or attachment issues.
• 🔑 Acknowledging that the partner is doing a good job and that the individual with anxious attachment might be creating the drama is a crucial step in addressing the problem.
• 🤔 Taking responsibility for one's part in the relationship issues without shame or blame is suggested as a healthier approach to resolving conflicts.
• 🚫 The speaker warns against the tendency to 'flail' emotionally in an attempt to fix problems, as this can often exacerbate the situation.
• 💡 The realization that doing and achieving are not the foundations of a healthy relationship is a key insight for high achievers who may struggle with anxious attachment.
• 🔄 The idea that 'doing' to gain love, connection, and safety is a subconscious pattern that needs to be addressed and healed is highlighted.
• 🤝 The speaker encourages focusing on 'being' rather than 'doing,' suggesting that who you are being in a relationship is more important than actions taken to prove oneself.
• 💖 The core message is that healthy relationships are built on openness, acceptance, and honor, rather than on scorekeeping or proving oneself.
• 🛑 The need to let go of the mindset of needing to prove one's worth or love in a relationship is a significant aspect of overcoming anxious attachment.
• 🌟 The 'hot tip' provided by Claire is to shift focus from what one has to do to who one is being in the relationship, as this internal focus fosters closeness and intimacy.

Q & A

What is the main issue discussed in the podcast episode?

The main issue discussed is how anxious attachment symptoms or relationship anxiety can affect a person's romantic relationships, potentially pushing away a good partner.

Who is the host of the podcast and what is her profession?

The host of the podcast is Claire, who is a relationship coach.

What type of individuals does Claire primarily work with?

Claire primarily works with high-achieving, overachieving women who are successful in their careers but struggle with romantic relationships.

Why does the speaker believe it's important not to blame or shame oneself for relationship issues?

Blaming or shaming oneself can make the situation worse by creating additional stress and negative emotions, which can further exacerbate relationship problems.

What is the 'flail' behavior described in the script?

The 'flail' behavior refers to the emotionally desperate actions one might take in an attempt to fix a relationship issue, such as excessive texting or calling, which can actually contribute to the problem.

How does the speaker relate the concept of 'doing' to relationship issues?

The speaker suggests that a tendency to 'do' or achieve can lead to problems in relationships, as it can create a subconscious pattern where love and connection are seen as rewards for doing things, rather than being based on genuine connection and acceptance.

What is the 'hot tip' that Claire shares towards the end of the episode?

The 'hot tip' is to focus on 'who you are being' in a relationship, rather than 'what you have to do', as this internal focus can help create genuine closeness and intimacy.

What does the speaker mean by 'Orient and feel the energy'?

The speaker is referring to the importance of being aware of and directing one's emotional state and behavior towards openness, acceptance, and honor, rather than towards proving oneself or controlling the relationship.

How does the speaker view the role of 'doing' in a healthy relationship?

The speaker believes that a healthy relationship is not about what one does for the other, but rather about who one is being, emphasizing qualities like openness, acceptance, and compassion.

What is the significance of the car salesman analogy used by the speaker?

The car salesman analogy is used to illustrate the negative impact of trying to 'sell' oneself in a relationship, which can come across as insincere and pushy, rather than creating a genuine connection.

What does the speaker suggest as a key step to resolving relationship anxiety?

The speaker suggests focusing on one's own qualities and behavior ('who you're being') as a key step to resolving relationship anxiety and fostering a closer, more intimate relationship.

Outlines

00:00

😣 Managing Anxious Attachment in Relationships

This paragraph discusses the struggles of individuals with anxious attachment symptoms within a relationship, particularly when these symptoms might be pushing away a good partner. The speaker, Claire, a relationship coach, introduces the topic by sharing her own experiences and those of a client, emphasizing the importance of taking responsibility for one's actions without self-blame. She highlights the common pattern of seeking reassurance and the tendency to 'flail' in response to triggers, which can inadvertently create more distance in a relationship.

05:02

🔄 Overcoming the 'Do More' Mentality in Relationships

The speaker explores the connection between high achievement and the tendency to 'overdo' in relationships, which can stem from subconscious programming that equates love and connection with achievement. Claire explains how this mindset can be problematic, especially for overachievers who may struggle with anxious attachment. She discusses the need to break free from the belief that doing more is the solution to relationship issues and emphasizes the importance of healing deep patterns to avoid repeating the same mistakes.

10:06

💔 The Pitfalls of Transactional Relationships

In this paragraph, the focus shifts to the concept of transactional relationships, where actions are seen as a means to gain love and connection. Claire argues that this approach is flawed, as it leads to scorekeeping and separation rather than genuine connection. She shares her realization that healthy relationships are not about proving one's worth through actions but are instead built on openness, acceptance, and honor.

15:06

🚫 Letting Go of the Need to Prove in Relationships

The speaker delves into the negative impact of trying to prove oneself in a relationship, likening it to the energy of a used car salesman. Claire points out that this approach is repellent and can lead to a lack of genuine connection. She encourages listeners to let go of the need to prove their worth and instead focus on being open and accepting, which is more conducive to building a strong relationship.

20:11

🌟 Focusing on 'Being' Rather Than 'Doing' in Relationships

Claire concludes the script by offering a 'hot tip' to shift the focus from 'doing' to 'being' in relationships. She shares a personal anecdote about realizing the importance of personal qualities in attracting the right partner and emphasizes the need to cultivate these qualities within oneself. The speaker advises listeners to focus on who they are being in the moment and to commit to being the person they aspire to be, which she believes is the key to creating closeness and intimacy in relationships.

Keywords

💡Anxiously Attached

Anxiously attached refers to a type of insecure attachment in relationships where individuals exhibit a strong desire for closeness and fear of abandonment. In the script, the host describes how anxious attachment can create a cycle of seeking reassurance and causing distress in relationships, which can push partners away.

💡Relationship Anxiety

Relationship anxiety is the feeling of nervousness or worry about one's romantic relationship, often stemming from fears of rejection or loss. The video discusses how this anxiety can be exacerbated during triggers and can lead to repetitive conflicts within a relationship.

💡Reassurance

Reassurance in the context of the video is the need for constant affirmation and validation from a partner to alleviate feelings of insecurity. The host mentions that seeking reassurance can become a problem when it leads to a cycle of dependency and can make the partner feel unheard.

💡Responsibility

Taking responsibility in the video is about acknowledging one's part in the dynamics of a relationship without blaming or shaming oneself. The host emphasizes that recognizing and owning one's role can be a crucial step in addressing anxious attachment patterns.

💡Overachiever

An overachiever is someone who consistently goes beyond what is expected or required, often excelling in their career or personal goals. The script discusses how the traits of an overachiever can interfere with romantic relationships, particularly when the individual applies the same 'get-it-done' mentality to their love life.

💡Subconscious Programming

Subconscious programming refers to the deep-seated beliefs and behaviors that are ingrained in us, often without our conscious awareness. The video explains how these subconscious patterns can influence relationship behaviors, such as the tendency to 'do' as a means to secure love and connection.

💡Trigger

A trigger is an event or situation that evokes a strong emotional response, often linked to past experiences or traumas. The script describes how triggers can activate anxious attachment behaviors and lead to conflict within a relationship.

💡Space

In the context of the video, 'space' refers to the concept of taking a break or creating distance in a relationship to allow for reflection and healing. The host suggests that sometimes, rather than trying to fix things immediately, giving each other space can be beneficial.

💡Connection

Connection in the video is the sense of being emotionally close and understanding each other within a relationship. The host contrasts the idea of connection with transactional behaviors, emphasizing that true connection comes from being rather than doing.

💡Prove

The concept of 'prove' in the video relates to the need to demonstrate one's worth or love for a partner. The host advises against this approach, stating that it can create a sense of obligation and pressure, which is counterproductive to building a healthy relationship.

💡Being

Being, as discussed in the video, is about focusing on one's character and presence in a relationship rather than actions or achievements. The host suggests that by concentrating on who we are being, we can foster a more authentic and attractive presence in our relationships.

Highlights

Anxiously attached symptoms can push away good partners, and this episode aims to address how to handle this in a relationship.

The speaker, Claire, is a relationship coach specializing in helping high-achieving women with relationship anxiety.

Claire shares her personal experience with anxious attachment and how it affected her past relationships.

Understanding that it takes two to maintain a relationship, and the importance of not blaming oneself for its issues.

The realization that reassurance-seeking behavior can actually create distance in a relationship.

The tendency for overachievers to apply the 'get stuff done' mentality to their romantic relationships, which can be problematic.

The subconscious programming that links doing and achieving with receiving love and connection.

The importance of addressing and healing deep patterns to avoid repeating them in relationships.

Claire's personal shift from focusing on doing to being in her relationship with her now-husband.

The flawed concept of scorekeeping in relationships and its negative impact on connection.

The speaker emphasizes that healthy relationships are not transactional and are based on connection, not separation.

The realization that love and relationships are not about proving one's worth or being in a constant state of proving.

The analogy of a used car salesman to illustrate the negative vibe of trying to prove oneself in a relationship.

The exploration of one's relationship with control and how it can sabotage the creation of closeness.

Claire's hot tip: Focus on who you are being in a relationship rather than what you have to do.

The transformative effect of focusing on 'beingness' rather than external actions in relationships.

The importance of internal focus and self-reflection to create closeness and intimacy in relationships.

Claire invites listeners to reach out for further guidance and emphasizes her belief in their ability to improve their relationships.

Transcripts

what should you do when your anxiously attached  symptoms or relationship anxiety is just in  

high gear and maybe it's pushing a good person  away so this episode is for you if you are in a  

relationship maybe you are even married I just  got a client who is married and her anxiously  

attached symptoms are still happening and you're  feeling like these little triggers keep happening  

in fact it can often feel like the same fight  I used to feel like the same fight would happen  

every 2 3 weeks and you are maybe not getting the  reassurance that you think you want and at the end  

of the day when you're not triggered you actually  know in your heart that they're doing a good job  

and you might be the drama so if that is you then  this episode is totally for you and make sure to  

listen to the end because I always drop a hot tip  and today I'm going to drop a hot tip towards the  

end around what I shifted internally to not only  not make them distant but to bring that person  

closer so make sure to listen to the end and also  if you're new here my name is Claire I'm your host  

and I'm a relationship coach who loves helping  girlies who are high achieving overachievers  

who are succeeding slaying at their careers the  entrepreneurial game and at the same time while  

you're killing it in other in all those fields  you are struggling romantically right maybe you  

keep attracting the same person or you know that  you're in this pattern and you just want to have  

your relationships go as well as your careers then  you're in the right spot honey and also if you're  

not new here or if you're new here leaving a five  star review would be so appreciated because this  

just number one feels great to know that you  are appreciating the podcast and it also helps  

other girlies who are struggling with anxious  attachment feeling relationship sh anxiety and  

it helps to reach more people so help a sister  out hit the FST star review and I appreciate  

that so let's dive in because for certain this was  absolutely my experience when I was dating my then  

boyfriend now husband because if you're new to  the game here I used to be anxiously attached he  

was definitely avoidant and there was not only  was he avoidant but in his heart he was is and  

not just was is a really good person and besides  that whole anxious and avoidant attachment and the  

the the thing that we were working through with  our attachment Styles underneath it Not only was  

that happening but he really was doing a good job  right when we were together things were seriously  

so amazing and this is honestly the part that I  can take responsibility on now I am going to take  

responsibility which is different than blaming  and I I'm saying this because I also want to  

say this for you that the more you blame or shame  yourself for what's happening if if you know and  

are aware that you're playing a part because  the reality is it does take two to tango but  

the key here in you not being able to shame or  blame yourself is realizing that that's actually  

making things 10 times worse so when I say I'm  taking responsibility this is not from a place  

of shame or blame but I definitely can own that I  was not really hearing my partner at the time when  

he was saying great things or that he would say  he loved me or he liked me his vision for what we  

wanted there it was like my brain would just blink  like the tape got erased and it was almost like  

I could have I could reach a day or 5 hours or  something like that and I felt like I needed that  

reassurance back and when that would happen that  would often make him feel like I wasn't listening  

he didn't really feel heard because he had just  told me that so in those disagreements or those  

Road bumps speed bumps I would do this thing  where I would flail and I I I don't ever I've  

never heard somebody explain it like I'm about to  explain it but tell me you know send me an IG DM  

if you agree but I would flail I would just like  literally like emotionally I would shake my arms  

and just flail around and be so desperate that's  I'll just call myself out I was so desperate to  

make it better I was so willing to call to text  to say what needed to be said to make that better  

and the reality is that was the thing that was  actually causing the problem all right me filing  

and thinking that I had to do something that I had  to be more nice that I had to call more that I had  

to text more was actually part of the problem and  so again this goes back to if you feel like you  

are maybe trying to do your best and your symptoms  are making you push them away the the orientation  

or the flail is what's causing the problem or it's  making the problem work because if I go back into  

my past and when I go back into my past that that  desire to do I had to do something to prove my  

worth to make things better to get safety to get  connection that is actually a really key piece  

here and this is why if you are an overachiever  or you are really good at getting things done you  

have GSD quality get sh done quality then this  is where it becomes really really problematic  

because if you are oriented based on your past  to do or achieve or check things off the list  

to be safe to get accolades to get security in  your relationships in the past then this is a  

real setup for your romantic relationships so I  noticed with high Achievers women who are really  

excelling in their fields that they struggle with  this because honestly what has made you be a good  

overachiever which has made you achieve certain  things and or a high performer right um that could  

be another word that you relate to that you are  like you can really push and put the pedal to the  

metal and just go the go the distance that type of  programming because all of that is programming and  

whether you are aware of it or not and I'm going  to guarantee that for most of you it's actually  

unaware because this is subconsciously programmed  that safety that connection that love comes to you  

when you do something when you get good grades  when you can get the chores done in the house  

when you can fill in the blank watch your younger  siblings right when you can get on Verity and do  

score score the goals all of that has really  subconsciously created a pattern where doing  

is the thing that gets you love connection  and safety so and all of this is happening  

in your subconscious realm this is all happening  most likely when you're not even aware of it so  

again this becomes really problematic because our  subconscious programming is just it's happening  

all the time so in that moment of the trigger and  I want to make make it better I I don't want to  

push them away or them away this is a system that  gets activated so when we have these deep patterns  

that aren't uh addressed that aren't looked at  that aren't healed we repeat what we don't repair  

so we get into relationship when actually the best  thing for you both might be just some space not  

even a breakup just like let's take a breather and  in your body you might feel just totally freaked  

out because I know I used to feel totally freaked  out that I did something wrong that he's going to  

leave or they're going to leave that it's over  all of that is just just not what's actually  

happening so I speak from experience because  this was literally the first just for a long  

time in dating in general but also really became  Amplified with my husband because I I believe that  

our relationships are a mirror that they are there  for us to learn and to see something deeper so  

this was really obvious for me this flail pattern  that I had that I was really oriented to what can  

I do what can I say what can I can I call you more  can I text you more and in my healing Journey it  

was in realizing that it's not about the doing  that healthy relationships all right and I'm  

sure if you settled with this and hopefully you're  listening to this and you're in in a nice space or  

taking a walk or popping this on your drive and  you're nice and calm that doing and and and being  

in a healthy relationship is not about what you  do okay and and a good example of this is that  

good relationships aren't necessarily because the  other person or you make a lot of money I mean  

that is nice but that is not what actually creates  healthy long- lasting marriages or relationships  

that somebody doing a job or making a lot of  money isn't actually the glue that's making  

the relationship work all right and I don't know  if you look around but a lot of our relationships  

are oriented towards what can somebody do for us  if he wanted to he would that kind of that kind  

of thinking and in reality healthy relationships  are not based on what we do for each other and in  

my opinion that is really just a transactional  relationship where if we are tallying score or  

like okay I did this this this nice thing for you  and you did or did not do this this this then we  

end up just really pitting ourselves against each  other it's actually not really creating connection  

we are actually creating more separation which  is not good in relationship because healthy  

relationships are all based on connection and  closeness not separation so even the concept  

of what should I do in inherently I believe is is  not the right orientation because that just that  

just exacerbates this okay well I'm doing this and  they're not doing this it becomes a scorekeeping  

kind of relationship and I don't know if you've  been in a relationship that where you keep score  

or maybe you're seeing the impact of being in a  relationship where you are subconsciously keeping  

score it doesn't feel good it doesn't feel good  because you're never going to win you're never  

going to win in a relationship where you're  keeping score but everybody certainly loses  

because that orientation towards doing towards I  did this and you didn't do that I mean you can you  

can even hear the finger pointing in that language  so that was something that I really had to break  

in my my mindset and my my my nervous system  and realizing that it's not about what somebody  

does or does not do right that's just again not  the orientation I would recommend for building  

a longas in relationship and so I I thought of  this podcast episode because somebody literally  

asked me a question I'm like oh I just I have  so much underneath this that I think a podcast  

episode should be fitting and I just again want to  emphasize that that way of thinking that I need to  

do something is a it's also gives the vibe it's  giving I need to prove something okay I need to  

prove something and I have really in the past  last four or five years have been unraveling my  

relationship and needing to prove something to  people that I love to people that I don't even  

know what whatever and when we have the thought  well what should I do to make you know that you I  

I love you or make things better that it's giving  prove and I'm just here to reassure you and let  

remind you that you have nothing to prove and to  be in a relationship or to place your s in the  

seat in relationship where you feel like you need  to prove something then you're again it's just  

not setting up the relationship for relationship  words are hard relationship up for Success that  

love is not about proving anything to anyone and  that also is it's giving just push energy that I  

have something to prove I've got to convince you  I've got to sell you on this product of me and I  

mean it's just like I it's giving walking onto a  a car sales lot and just putting the chum out for  

the Sharks and I've got something to prove just  sell me and I'm going to sell you when really  

healthy relationships are built on openness and  acceptance and honor when we can Orient and feel  

that energy versus I've got something to prove  and I'm going to I'm going to text you 10 times a  

day or or whatever you you can see the difference  you can feel the difference you know which which  

is what way more important that you can feel the  difference from I am here open and accepting and  

honoring where I'm at and I'm entering this  relationship doing the best I can and you are  

to very different feeling and very different vibe  then I need to prove to you that I am good enough  

for you I need to prove to you that I'm worthy  I need to prove to you that I can be a good good  

girlfriend or potential wife I mean that's all  kind of the underlying message that we are not  

often paying attention to in relationship and  if so let's go with the sales the car salesman  

analogy even if we have the best intentions like  e even if we have our heart into it and we really  

want that when we go into relationship trying to  prove something even if our intentions are good  

good and we are doing a good job it's just giving  used car salesman there's nothing to prove and so  

if we're giving used car salesman energy what is  the other person going to going to be the natural  

seat is them being the person that's being sold to  right and sorry if you sell cars I'm sure they're  

really wonderful people out there that sell cars  but I've been on the receiving end of a used car  

salesman or a sales a car sales person and it  doesn't feel good it even even when they're  

saying the right things or the right words I you  can tell the that the vibe is not not great and so  

again unintentionally when we are focused on what  can I do what can I say to prove it to you how can  

I be nice to prove it to you it's it is naturally  a repellent because people don't want to be sold  

to your partner does not want to be sold to and  convinced that you're a good partner so I know  

that's really hard because the other layer to this  might be a relationship with control right how how  

is your relationship with control right how are  your control issues that's just something to be  

really curious and to explore because again the  if we have these underlying self-sabotage patterns  

they really get in the way of creating closeness  so if we have an interesting relationship with  

control and pair that with I'm trying to prove  something and if I can control this environment  

and can control the situation and I can lay out  all the logistical things of why you should like  

me uh which is honestly I'm ashamed to say how  I used to enter dating I would put out all the  

logistics I would look at them logistically and  have these expectations in my mind it's not it  

doesn't go over well it doesn't go over well for  the other party because it's kind of a turnoff so  

here's what I want to just open up and here's the  the hot tip especially since we've been talking  

about okay what do I do what do I do what do  I do and what really shifted for me and I I  

remember the almost so clearly just the the scene  that I was at when I was I was at dinner with a  

girlfriend a good my best friend at the time and  we were looking at okay what qualities do I want  

to be with a person and as I was listing them out  I started realizing oh my gosh this person that I  

am going to meet this man so incredible and I'm  looking at all these qualities inside of him I  

realize holy smokes I have got to work on who I'm  being who I'm being in order to have this amazing  

person in my life and so here's the hot tip is do  not focus on what you have to do instead focus on  

who you are being and I know my clients listen  to this podcast and I love them but literally  

they will tell you that this is the thing that we  open every single session with every single time  

I talk with a one-on-one client it's really about  who are you being because who you are being is the  

center of it it's really the core it's the it's  the ooey gooey middle that the hard outer shell  

of the Truffle circles around or en cases it's  who we're being is literally everything and so  

when you Orient yourself into who am I being  in this relationship and who do I want to be  

that is very different than the external Chase  in and focus on what do I have to do what's the  

scramble and you can for me I I at least feel the  difference between okay like the flail and the  

scramble of what are the chest pieces that I have  have to move in order to get this person closer  

but when we focus on who we're being in the moment  and the person that we want to be the person that  

we ultimately our ideal uh our ideal partner our  our husband our wife when we focus on who we need  

to be in order to be with the right person it's  really it literally changes the game it turns  

it inside out and upside down because that is what  is so important and that's the core that is really  

the core and the the way that we want to operate  is in who we're being because when you are being  

a person that is open compassionate considerate  that is receptive I mean literally name any good  

quality that you could be that inherently is what  attracts people when we are focused on who we're  

being at any given day on any given moment that  is the quality that people are drawn to and that  

they want to be around so and then that's more  of an internal Focus versus the external flail  

all right doing feels like okay I'm freaking out  I'm flailing around ah versus okay I'm going to  

be somebody who is open who's receptive who's  compassionate who accepts myself fill in fill  

in whatever word around the beingness when we can  Orient to who we're being and commit to who we're  

being that is how we actually create closeness  and Intimacy in our relationships so I just saw  

that question on my Tik Tok and I just wanted  to go deeper with it so if you in that position  

where you your symptoms of relationship anxiety  or anxious attachment are kicking up and you  

don't want to push them away this is seriously  a key step in bringing them closer and that is  

focusing on who you're being all right Angels so  again thanks for listening I love you so much and  

if you feel good leave a five star review and if  you also have questions or you want me to answer a  

situational question with you then you can always  send me an Instagram DM and I'll go more in depth  

on it on your situation on this podcast and let  me know all right I believe in you I love you