Stop Overthinking Your Relationship (what you need to know!)
Summary
TLDRIn this 'Be That Healing Girl' podcast episode, Claire, a relationship coach, addresses the issue of overthinking in relationships, particularly among high-achieving women. She discusses the difference between critical thinking and spiraling thoughts, often driven by a disregulated nervous system and fear. Claire emphasizes the importance of understanding one's emotional state and the impact of thoughts on actions. She also touches on the need for emotional regulation and the role of conditioning in shaping our perceptions and behaviors in relationships.
Takeaways
- 🌟 The podcast episode focuses on addressing overthinking in relationships, particularly for high-achieving individuals who may struggle with relationship anxiety or anxious attachment.
- 👩🏫 Claire, the relationship coach and host, emphasizes the importance of understanding the difference between critical thinking and spiraling thoughts in the context of relationship anxiety.
- 🔄 Overthinking is often a defense mechanism that stems from a fear-based, disregulated nervous system, rather than logical, critical thinking.
- 🧠 The brain's 'lizard brain' or survival brain is activated during states of fear, leading to actions driven by instinct rather than rational thought.
- 🤯 Overthinking can lead to feelings of shame and frustration, especially for intelligent and successful individuals who feel they should know better.
- 💡 Recognizing the difference between a regulated and disregulated nervous system is crucial for understanding one's emotional responses in relationships.
- 👀 The speaker suggests that overthinking is not a sign of insanity but rather a symptom of a nervous system in overdrive, acting from a place of fear.
- 💭 The script touches on the idea that we are not our thoughts, and that understanding this can help in managing overthinking and emotional responses.
- 🔄 Overthinking is not a solution to problems but can instead create a vicious cycle of negative expectations and behaviors.
- 💔 Ignoring or stuffing down emotions can lead to emotional dysregulation, where small triggers can cause disproportionate emotional reactions.
- 🌱 The importance of emotional intelligence and regulation is highlighted, suggesting that learning to process and regulate emotions is key to overcoming overthinking in relationships.
Q & A
What is the main topic of the 'Be That Healing Girl' podcast episode?
-The main topic of the episode is to discuss how to stop overthinking in relationships and address relationship anxiety or anxious attachment.
Who is the host of the 'Be That Healing Girl' podcast?
-The host of the podcast is Claire, a relationship coach.
What type of audience does Claire primarily work with?
-Claire primarily works with high-performing, overachieving individuals, often referred to as 'type A' personalities, who are successful in their careers but struggle in their relationships.
What is the significance of the number of reviews on the podcast?
-The number of reviews, such as the 70 reviews on Spotify mentioned in the transcript, indicates the popularity and positive reception of the podcast episodes.
How does Claire define success in the context of her clients?
-Success is not limited to career achievements; Claire also considers clients who are married and home with kids as successful, acknowledging that being a stay-at-home parent is arguably a challenging job.
What is the difference between critical thinking and overthinking as discussed in the podcast?
-Critical thinking involves logical analysis and discernment, whereas overthinking often leads to spiraling thoughts and anxiety without leading to constructive outcomes.
What does Claire suggest is the root cause of overthinking in relationships?
-Claire suggests that overthinking in relationships is often a result of a disregulated nervous system acting from a place of fear, rather than logical thought.
Why does Claire emphasize that overthinking is not a sign of insanity?
-Claire emphasizes this to reassure listeners that their feelings and reactions are a result of a natural response to fear and anxiety, not a sign of mental instability.
What role does the body's nervous system play in overthinking, according to Claire?
-The nervous system, when activated or in a state of fight or flight, can lead to overthinking as the body is in a state of disregulation and not thinking rationally.
How does Claire differentiate between a regulated and a disregulated nervous system in relation to overthinking?
-A regulated nervous system allows for logical thinking and emotional stability, while a disregulated nervous system results in fear-based reactions and overthinking.
What advice does Claire offer to those who struggle with overthinking in relationships?
-Claire advises understanding the difference between spiraling thoughts and critical thinking, recognizing the signs of a disregulated nervous system, and seeking support to develop a healthy relationship with emotions.
What resources or support does Claire offer to help with overthinking and relationship anxiety?
-Claire offers one-on-one coaching, though it's on a waitlist, and mentions upcoming accessible support options that will be announced on her email list and Instagram stories.
Outlines
🎙️ Introduction to Healing Relationship Anxiety
The podcast 'Be That Healing Girl' introduces a new episode focusing on stopping overthinking in relationships. The host, Claire, a relationship coach, addresses her audience of high-achieving women who excel in their careers but struggle with relationship anxiety or anxious attachment. She acknowledges the common theme of overthinking in her DMs and client sessions and promises to provide solid advice on overcoming this issue. Claire also appreciates the growing support for her podcast, with a special mention of the increasing number of reviews on Spotify, and encourages new listeners to engage with the content.
🧠 Understanding the Impact of Overthinking on Relationships
This paragraph delves into the psychological aspects of overthinking in relationships. Claire explains that overthinking is often a symptom of relationship anxiety or anxious attachment and can be a result of the listener's nervous system being in a state of fight or flight, leading to a lack of critical thinking. She emphasizes the importance of distinguishing between spiraling thoughts and actual critical thinking. Claire also touches on the shame and frustration smart individuals may feel when they can't control their overthinking, attributing it to the activation of the 'lizard brain' rather than logical reasoning.
🔄 The Role of Fear and Conditioning in Overthinking
In this segment, Claire discusses the role of fear and conditioning in overthinking. She clarifies that overthinking is a defense mechanism triggered by fear and is not a result of logical thinking. The paragraph explores how overthinking can create a vicious cycle where negative thoughts lead to negative actions and outcomes. Claire also challenges the misconception that overthinking can solve problems, highlighting the importance of emotional intelligence and regulation. She shares her personal journey of realizing the need to feel and process emotions healthily, rather than suppressing them, which can lead to emotional dysregulation.
🌱 Healing and Growth Beyond Overthinking
The final paragraph wraps up the episode with a message of hope and self-empowerment. Claire shares her passion for helping others heal from the inside out, emphasizing that everyone deserves to experience love, joy, and peace. She acknowledges her own journey of self-discovery and healing, which has fueled her dedication to her work. Claire invites listeners to stay tuned for upcoming events and resources that can support them in overcoming overthinking and relationship anxiety, promising to provide more accessible ways to assist them in their personal growth.
Mindmap
Keywords
💡Overthinking
💡Relationship Anxiety
💡Anxious Attachment
💡High-Performing
💡Disregulation
💡Critical Thinking
💡Fear Mechanism
💡Emotional Intelligence
💡Conditioning
💡Nervous System Activation
💡Self-Regulation
Highlights
The podcast episode focuses on addressing overthinking in relationships and its connection to relationship anxiety or anxious attachment.
Claire, the host and relationship coach, specializes in helping high-performing, overachieving women with relationship issues.
Success is not limited to career achievements; it also includes women who are successful in managing a home and family.
The importance of distinguishing between critical thinking and spiraling thoughts in the context of relationship anxiety.
The role of the nervous system in overthinking, with a state of 'disregulation' leading to non-rational thinking patterns.
The acknowledgment that overthinking is a defense mechanism of the brain attempting to protect itself through fear.
The difference between a regulated and disregulated nervous system and its impact on behavior during times of fear.
The concept that we are not our thoughts and the importance of understanding this separation for emotional health.
The idea that overthinking is not a magical predictor of outcomes but rather a learned behavior.
The impact of thoughts on actions and behavior, emphasizing that overthinking does not cause events but influences how we act.
The need to recognize when we are intellectualizing or avoiding our feelings instead of processing them healthily.
The importance of emotional regulation and intelligence in managing emotions and avoiding overthinking.
Claire's personal journey and realization of her own emotional regulation issues, leading to a deeper understanding of the topic.
The upcoming support resources and events from Claire to help listeners manage overthinking and relationship anxiety.
The message of hope and empowerment, encouraging listeners to believe in their ability to overcome overthinking and relationship issues.
Transcripts
welcome to the be that healing girl podcast and today on this episode we're going to talk about
what you need to know to stop overthinking your relationship and I don't know if you're new here
but if you are I talk about this all day every day and honestly I love it I can't get enough
of it and I have been noticing this kind of theme in my DMs and with my clients and I just thought
I'd make an episode on this on what you're probably doing wrong in your attempt to heal
your relationship anxiety or anxious attachment because if you're overthinking your relationship
it is highly highly likely that you have this issue in your relationships relationship anxiety
or anxious attachment so make sure to hang around I'm going to drop some really solid tips on what
you're probably doing wrong so that you can actually stop doing them yourself so let's
do it and if you're new here my name is Claire I am a relationship coach and I love helping High
performing overachieving maybe type A girlies who are slaying in their career but you are
sucking in your relationships and that can be a whole range of whether you're in medical school
you are a medical doctor you're academic you're a career Crusher you're climbing the corporate
ladder or you're an entrepreneur I just notice these themes in my clients again and again
where they are highly successful and by the way success does not is limited to is not limited to
you being uh successful at your career I also have clients who are married and home with the
kids arguably that is the hardest job out there uh and maybe you left a career to do that so just
know that these have many definitions but I I will say particularly that the women that I tend to
support have you guys are overachievers that's just hands down that's that's the thing so if
that is you and you're in good company and also I have the noticing the reviews on the podcast oh my
gosh I think I just saw 70 reviews on Spotify if you are enjoying this episode or any of the other
episodes hitting the five stars means so much it seriously is like one click of the button and I am
watching literally every week thank you so much if you done that and just hit the star it just takes
nothing so thanks so for doing that uh let's dive in because I know that this is a topic that I just
I love sharing because this was my experience and I'll even say this wasn't just my my dating
experience this even was in my uh early stages of my marriage and quite honestly I see different
forms of it now and here's what I just want to say around overthinking and how I approach it and
what I notice with my clients and I had a client of mine who was sharing well it's not completely
gone my overthinking and I'm like well yeah because thinking is part of what we do as humans
and we need to have critical thinking and I I just don't even want to go down that road around what I
think these days around a lot of us who are not using critical thinking I'm just thinking about
politics but anyway um we need critical thinking we need to discern and we need to use our brain to
make good decisions and while that is important there's like a whole spectrum of that and you
might be on the spectrum that is not necessarily critically thinking or making discernments in your
relationship but instead you spiraling you're spinning you're thinking the same thoughts over
and over again and so I just want to make that important distinction as you are Discerning how
can I tell if I'm actually just using my logical critical thinking brain or if I am spiraling out
okay and I'll say this is what you need to know that there is a difference between spiraling and
using having the same thought again and again and again they don't like me what did I do wrong did
I push them away or something like that versus being able to critically think and what you need
to know is if you are in a state where your body is activated your nervous system is activated
and the the simple term for that is if you are disregulated at ated meaning you are in a fight
ORF flight then yeah it is highly likely that you are not critically thinking okay I say that with
so much love but is probably not what's happening instead you acting from literally your lizard
brain all right the the science around this is really clear we have different parts of our brain
and when we're in disregulation when our nervous system is activated we are seriously just thinking
and acting usually from our brain stem it's like literal survival brain and when we get activated
when we feel fear feel that fear by the way if you didn't know this I don't edit my podcast this is
seriously like one shot because this is the brand y'all I don't believe in Perfection there's no
such thing as being perfect in relationship so just FYI uh let me say this again so our
fear brain when it's activated we we can't make those distinctions it's literally our our nervous
system takes over and we cannot think with our logical brain so a lot of times I notice with my
clients they feel really ashamed and like really frustrated because they are smart okay to go to
medical school to open three businesses to climb a corporate ladder you have to be smart there's
just no other way around it and what I notice is that it causes a lot of Shame for a lot of a lot
of you because you feel like you know better and a lot of times times this is like a classic Hallmark
thing when I work with clients logically in your brain logically you know that you shouldn't send
the five pages of text you shouldn't call him 17 times okay and I'll just speak personally I would
feel so ashamed but at the same time at the same time I couldn't help myself I had I had to send
the text uh I had to say the thing and sometimes disregulation will show up as just like word vomit
and so what we need to know is it's actually not your logical brain the part of you that
knows better that knows that this is probably not appropriate and I probably should take a
chill pill that's not the part of your body that is acting out so what you need to know is that the
difference between a regulated nervous system and a disregulated nervous system and I don't
like saying this word word but I'm only going to say it because it's out there and I I just want
to be be clear that this is like not a term that I use flippantly but I'll just use it in describing
myself like I felt like I was crazy I I felt like I I was feeling so disconnected from what my mind
wanted to do but I couldn't help this part of me and so again I don't use that word lightly but
that it's you're not crazy I was not crazy I was just regulated my nervous system was in overdrive
I was feeling the fear and I was straight up just acting from a place of fear and so that in simple
in simple explanation and simple terms is you are not yourself you are acting from a disregulated
state where you're not thinking rationally and you're coming from a place of fear so when it
comes to overthinking that is a fear mechanism okay that is essentially your brain trying to
protect itself and I actually have seen this a few times and you can make the distinction right
now because if you are really clear that this is how it has to be then honestly I'm I love you but
I'm not the person for you like I'm not the best person to listen to because this is not going to
land for you so keep going but um I used to I could definitely relate to thinking well this
is just how I am this is is the way that I do it I have to think about these things and there's
a combination of not just your your system is disregulated your nervous system is disregulated
but also the conditioning what who you think you are and I don't this this is like a big big topic
but really you are not your thoughts all right you are totally separate than your thoughts and this
is like dipping our toes into the spirituality realm and I not going to hide that this is part
of it but when we start to understand that we are not our thoughts that really our thoughts
were given to us we our brains learn through Association so it's the the patterns are how
you defend yourself when you're feeling fear so we know on a body level okay I fear Fe I feel fear
and I start down this whole defensive mechanism I have my lizard brains turned on I can't think
my brain my logical brain there's another layer to this which is why when I work with clients it's a
very holistic approach of mind body and spirit but then there's this other layer that we don't even
understand and you need to know that there's the body response but then there's also our response
into our conditioning and so if you have ever said well I've I've thought it and so and I and
and I I I thought about it so then it happened like I love you so much but that is not what's
happening I love you but you don't have a magic eightball well maybe you have a magic eightball
but you don't have a magic wand like Harry Potter you aren't God like you you nobody's out there
thinking things into happening um overthinking is a mechanism which you have maybe learned that
if I can think about what I need to do then it'll happen and that's actually not what's causing the
thing to happen so it is overthinking is a defense mechanism that we sometimes get we literally talk
ourselves into thinking that that's that's reality and it's not but what could be happening is that
we have thoughts and our thoughts impact our actions and our Behavior so if we are thinking
bad things happen we are acting as though bad things happen we are putting making choices
like bad things are going to happen what do you think's going to happen I mean you don't have
to be a rocket scientist to to figure that out because our thoughts impact our choices and impact
how we behave so it's not the overthinking that got you in that place even though it might feel
like that um but again you're not God you don't have a magic wand that's not what's happening
but it does our our thoughts impact our choices our behavior and all that's connected so um it's
almost like this py this vicious cycle where oh I think bad things are going to happen so they
happen no it's that's not what's happening and I want just want to say that it's really simple to
uh simple yeah simple to shift how you perceive things and a lot of times we don't even recognize
that we're we're overthinking in the attempt because we're not actually feeling our feelings
and I would say this is a big piece around what if you what you need to know around the overthinking
is that the overthinking is not going to solve the problem and a lot of times we we are taught
in our society that intellectualizing that knowing something is important and re really the reality
is we are totally displaced from feeling our feelings I'll call myself out I would say with
my I've had multiple spirital Awakenings at this point but I had a big Awakening around 2020 2021
that I I had thought up to that point and I think how old was I I was like you know mid-30 something
like that not going to age myself but I I had no clue that I had been stuffing down ignoring
avoiding and distracting from feeling and once I started understanding how to feel my feelings
how to look at my subconscious have a healthy relationship with it when I started to understand
oh my gosh I'm not crazy this is just my disregulated nervous system and I started putting
all those pieces together that I had no clue about because we are not taught we are not it's just
like I don't I have yet to meet somebody very few people I take that back I very very few people and
I consider them to be like walking angels on Earth are actually taught how to feel our feelings where
feelings were maybe never valued they were never safe they were dismissed they were told to get
over it uh but I had had no clue that I was not feeling my feelings uh what I now can understand
at that point was I was emotional but I was not in right relationship with my emotions and there is
a huge difference between being able to process your emotions and being emotional and uh I call
that emotional intelligence emotional regulation there's a huge difference between I'm crying all
the time which by the way crying is great I'm a huge crier believe me I've made peace of that I
I am a crier but there's a big difference between being emotional ex and experiencing the emotions
versus processing them and regulating them and there's like a whole different conversation about
that but I would think well I'm not emotional I'm not emotional and I don't cry in fact when I was
in my 20s I definitely that was like something I said oh I cringe cringe cringe cringe at Young
Claire and I love her I bless her when I would say I don't cry crying is for babies crying is weak
because guess what that's what I thought about feelings but feelings uh but my those thoughts
were not my thoughts those were given to me I took that on somebody had told me that before so yeah
I didn't understand how to process feelings to be with my emotions and it was showing up because I
was tamping all of that down I was becoming overly emotional when I really shouldn't be right like
when small things would happen I'd get really worked up really overwhelmed because I wasn't
having a healthy relationship with my emotions so lots of things that I kind of opened the box on
and I just want to say that these are things that I I'm only sharing these things because I myself
did not know them until I started on the long path and I spent a lot of time a lot of energy a lot
of investment of of everything into this healing process and it's also why I'm really passionate
about it I can talk about it all day every day and I do because we all deserve you deserve your
Birthright is to feel love and joy and peace inside yourself and we don't know what we don't
know so understanding wow am I being emotional or am I actually in right relationship with my emo
am I overthinking because I'm trying to protect myself am I crazy or am I Justice regulated these
are things that I I Know Myself personally I struggled with and I know that you can
work through them and if you are at all wanting support needing that um I am open to talking about
clients in fact I will just say this my oneon-one clients are on a wait list but I have some really
fun things coming out and make sure you just are on the email list or checking out my Ig stories
because I've got some really fun things coming up for the summer different ways that I can support
you in in more accessible ways that can really make the difference in overthinking and your
relationship anxiety and your anxious attachment I believe in you I love you catch you soon
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