If Your Ex Was An Avoidant, Watch This

Summary

In this video, conscious breakup coach Nancy Ruth Dean discusses the avoidant attachment style. She contrasts it with secure and anxious attachment styles, explaining that avoidant individuals often struggle with intimacy due to neglect in their early lives. They tend to avoid emotional closeness, which can cause friction with anxiously attached partners who crave constant reassurance. Dean emphasizes that neither attachment style is inherently bad but stresses the importance of self-awareness and seeking securely attached partners to foster healthier relationships. She shares personal insights and suggests ways to build intimacy in relationships with avoidant partners.

Takeaways

• 😊 Avoidant attachment style involves a deep fear of intimacy and an 'it's me against the world' mentality due to early neglect or inconsistency in emotional needs being met.
• 📚 Much of the information shared is based on the book 'Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find and Keep Love,' a recommended read for anyone interested in attachment theory.
• 💡 Secure attachment occurs when a child’s emotional and physical needs are consistently met, making them trust the world and feel safe.
• 🤔 Anxious attachment style develops from inconsistent care in childhood, leading to a fear of abandonment and a strong craving for intimacy and reassurance.
• ⚖️ Avoidant and anxious attachment styles often attract each other, creating a dynamic where one partner fears intimacy while the other fears abandonment.
• 🙅 Avoidantly attached individuals tend to struggle with emotional closeness and self-reflection, which can make relationships difficult, especially with anxiously attached partners.
• 🛠️ For anxious individuals, it is crucial to seek partners who are securely attached, as they provide the emotional stability and intimacy needed for a healthy relationship.
• ❤️ People with avoidant attachment are not inherently bad; they simply have different emotional responses shaped by their past, which might make intimacy challenging.
• 👩‍❤️‍👨 With effort and awareness, relationships between anxious and avoidantly attached individuals can work, but it requires commitment and understanding from both parties.
• 💬 Those with avoidant attachment may not engage in deep self-reflection or personal development in the same way anxious individuals do, making communication and progress in the relationship more complex.

Q & A

What is the purpose of Nancy Ruth Dean's video?

The purpose of Nancy Ruth Dean's video is to provide an overview of the avoidant attachment style and help viewers, either avoidantly attached or those who recently left a relationship with someone who has an avoidant attachment style, better understand attachment dynamics.

What is the difference between secure and avoidant attachment styles?

Securely attached individuals receive consistent emotional and physical support from their caregivers, leading them to trust the world and feel safe. In contrast, avoidantly attached individuals experience neglect or inconsistent care, which makes them avoid intimacy and rely only on themselves.

How do anxiously attached individuals differ from avoidantly attached individuals?

Anxiously attached individuals crave intimacy and fear abandonment, often becoming clingy or needy. In contrast, avoidantly attached individuals fear intimacy and prefer emotional distance, seeing it as overwhelming.

Why do anxious and avoidant attachment styles often attract each other?

Anxiously attached individuals' fear of abandonment attracts avoidantly attached individuals because the avoidant person’s fear of intimacy complements the anxious person's desire for closeness, creating a push-pull dynamic in relationships.

What might cause someone to develop an avoidant attachment style?

Avoidant attachment often develops due to repetitive neglect, inconsistent emotional support, or caregivers who were themselves avoidantly attached or dealing with issues like addiction, leading the child to believe they cannot rely on others for emotional or physical support.

Why do avoidantly attached people often get a bad reputation in relationships?

Avoidantly attached individuals can get a bad reputation because they struggle with intimacy, often pulling away when their partner needs emotional closeness, which can create frustration and anxiety for partners, especially those who are anxiously attached.

Can avoidantly attached individuals form healthy relationships?

Yes, avoidantly attached individuals can form healthy relationships, but it requires effort from both partners. The avoidant partner needs to be willing to work on building intimacy, and a securely attached partner can help support this process.

Why is self-reflection less common among avoidantly attached individuals?

Avoidantly attached individuals often avoid self-reflection because it requires confronting past emotional pain or neglect, which they tend to suppress. This makes them less likely to engage in personal development or introspective activities.

What is the role of a securely attached partner in helping someone with anxious attachment?

A securely attached partner can provide consistent emotional support, helping the anxiously attached person feel more stable and secure, even though the fear of abandonment may still linger.

What is Nancy Ruth Dean’s personal experience with attachment styles?

Nancy Ruth Dean shares that her father was avoidantly attached, which influenced her passion for understanding attachment styles. She also experienced anxious attachment in her past relationships, leading her to work on personal development before finding a secure relationship with her husband.