How to Bypass An Avoidant Attachment Style's Defenses To Connect More Deeply!
Summary
TLDRIn this video, Taes explores how to connect with someone exhibiting dismissive avoidant attachment style. Key strategies include mindful communication, avoiding criticism, acknowledging their efforts, and validating their feelings without solving their problems. Taes emphasizes the importance of recognizing dismissive avoidant individuals' fear of vulnerability and the need for a supportive, non-judgmental approach to foster deeper connections.
Takeaways
- 🔒 **Avoidant Attachment Style**: The video discusses strategies for connecting with someone who has an avoidant attachment style, characterized by emotional walls and a tendency to avoid deep connections.
- 🗣️ **Communication as Criticism**: Dismissive avoidants may perceive requests for more time or emotional needs as criticism, reinforcing their fears of inadequacy.
- 💬 **Mindful Communication**: When communicating with a dismissive avoidant, sandwich requests between positive affirmations to reduce the perception of criticism.
- 🤝 **Normalize Needs**: Encourage open dialogue about needs in relationships to normalize the expression of personal requirements.
- 🚫 **Avoid Conflict**: Dismissive avoidants are uncomfortable with conflict and may shut down or go into 'freeze mode' when faced with it.
- 🔗 **Avoid Feeling Trapped**: When discussing commitments or future plans, avoid putting dismissive avoidants in a corner where they feel they must respond immediately.
- 👍 **Acknowledge Efforts**: Positive reinforcement and acknowledgment of efforts can help dismissive avoidants feel valued and capable in relationships.
- 🌟 **Validate Emotions**: When dismissive avoidants open up, validate their feelings without trying to solve their problems, which can make them feel seen and understood.
- 💪 **Strength Over Weakness**: Encourage the idea that opening up and expressing emotions is a sign of strength, not weakness, to counteract their fear of vulnerability.
- 🤝 **Empowerment Over Helplessness**: Support dismissive avoidants by offering empowerment and a sense of support, rather than making them feel helpless or powerless.
Q & A
What is the main topic of the video script?
-The main topic of the video script is how to bypass an avoidant attachment style's defense mechanisms to deeply connect with someone.
Who is the speaker in the video script?
-The speaker in the video script is Taes, who discusses topics related to the subconscious mind, attachment styles, and building healthy relationships.
What is an avoidant attachment style?
-An avoidant attachment style is characterized by a person who tends to avoid deep emotional connections and may seem distant or detached in relationships.
Why might someone with an avoidant attachment style be difficult to connect with?
-Someone with an avoidant attachment style might be difficult to connect with because they often have high walls, are mysterious, and may avoid vulnerability or fear being seen as weak.
What is a dismissive-avoidant attachment style?
-A dismissive-avoidant attachment style is a subtype of avoidant attachment where the individual dismisses the need for close relationships and may seem indifferent or even critical of others' needs for intimacy.
How can one communicate their needs to a person with a dismissive-avoidant attachment style?
-When communicating needs to a person with a dismissive-avoidant attachment style, it's important to frame it positively, start with appreciation, and normalize the expression of needs as a part of a healthy relationship.
Why do dismissive-avoidant individuals often take things personally?
-Dismissive-avoidant individuals often take things personally because they may have a deep-seated belief that they are not capable or good enough, leading them to interpret needs or requests as criticisms.
What is the impact of conflict on someone with a dismissive-avoidant attachment style?
-Conflict can be very distressing for someone with a dismissive-avoidant attachment style, as they may not have been exposed to healthy conflict resolution models and may feel unsafe or triggered into a trauma response.
How can one avoid making a dismissive-avoidant person feel trapped in a relationship?
-To avoid making a dismissive-avoidant person feel trapped, it's important to have open-ended conversations about the future of the relationship without putting pressure on immediate decisions or commitments.
Why is acknowledging the efforts of a dismissive-avoidant person important?
-Acknowledging the efforts of a dismissive-avoidant person is important because it validates their attempts to connect and counteracts their inner belief that they are incapable, fostering a sense of pride and support.
How should one respond when a dismissive-avoidant person opens up emotionally?
-When a dismissive-avoidant person opens up emotionally, it's crucial to validate their feelings without overdoing it, offering support without trying to solve their problems, and showing appreciation for their vulnerability.
What is the role of vulnerability in the perception of strength for dismissive-avoidant individuals?
-For dismissive-avoidant individuals, vulnerability is often seen as a sign of weakness. Encouraging them to see vulnerability as a sign of strength and courage can help them overcome this perception and feel more comfortable opening up.
Outlines
🔒 Bypassing Avoidant Attachment Barriers
The paragraph discusses the challenges of connecting with someone who has an avoidant attachment style. It emphasizes the importance of understanding and addressing the barriers to connection in a mindful and respectful way. The speaker, Taes, introduces the topic and shares their expertise on subconscious mind and attachment styles. The key points include the difficulty of penetrating the walls that avoidant individuals put up, the need to communicate effectively without causing shame or criticism, and the importance of normalizing the expression of needs in a relationship.
😟 Avoiding Shame and Conflict
This section delves into the discomfort that dismissive avoidant individuals feel when faced with conflict and the tendency to freeze or shut down in such situations. The speaker shares personal experiences and insights into how this behavior can be a learned response from upbringing. It stresses the importance of avoiding ultimatums and instead having open-ended conversations that allow for the expression of needs without creating a sense of entrapment. The speaker also highlights the significance of acknowledging efforts made by dismissive avoidant individuals and the positive impact of validation and appreciation.
👍 Positive Reinforcement and Validation
The paragraph focuses on the power of positive reinforcement and validation for dismissive avoidant individuals. It explains how acknowledging their efforts and being appreciative of their attempts to open up can help counteract their belief that they are incapable in relationships. The speaker advises against solving their problems for them, as this can be perceived as a sign of weakness. Instead, validating their feelings and experiences is encouraged. The speaker also touches on the importance of promoting strength and empowerment in conversations to help avoidant individuals feel supported and valued.
💪 Encouraging Strength and Empowerment
In this paragraph, the speaker addresses the sensitivity of dismissive avoidant individuals towards feeling helpless or powerless. It suggests encouraging feelings of empowerment and support by validating their efforts and expressing appreciation for their vulnerability. The speaker also emphasizes the importance of creating an environment where it's safe to open up and express emotions, and the role of the listener in reinforcing the strength and courage it takes to be vulnerable.
Mindmap
Keywords
💡Avoidant Attachment Style
💡Dismissive Avoidant
💡Defense Mechanisms
💡Mindful Communication
💡Shame
💡Validation
💡Vulnerability
💡Conflict
💡Commitment
💡Emotional Validation
💡Courage
Highlights
Understanding how to bypass an avoidant attachment style's defense mechanisms for deeper connection.
The importance of recognizing dismissive avoidant individuals' fear of vulnerability and shame.
How to communicate needs without causing feelings of criticism or inadequacy.
The significance of framing communication positively to avoid triggering shame.
The necessity of normalizing the expression of needs in relationships.
Avoiding conflict and drama when interacting with dismissive avoidant individuals.
The fear of feeling trapped and its impact on dismissive avoidant individuals.
Approaching commitment conversations without creating pressure or a sense of entrapment.
The power of acknowledging and validating the efforts of dismissive avoidant individuals.
The importance of responding to vulnerability with validation rather than problem-solving.
Balancing validation to avoid overwhelming dismissive avoidant individuals.
Encouraging strength and empowerment as opposed to helplessness or powerlessness.
The role of positive reinforcement in building confidence in dismissive avoidant individuals.
The impact of viewing emotional expression as a sign of strength rather than weakness.
The need for dismissive avoidant individuals to feel supported and empowered in relationships.
The importance of being mindful of one's own needs and not just catering to the other person's.
Transcripts
do you have somebody in your life maybe
you're starting to date them or perhaps
they're already an existing romantic
partner or even just a family member or
friend who you think may be an avoidant
attachment style and you're noticing
that difficulty that's stopping you from
more deeply connecting probably because
they're quite mysterious or they tend to
have big walls up well if this is
something you're experiencing in today's
video we are going to talk about how to
bypass an avoidance defense mechanisms
in order to deeply connect and my hope
for you is that you'll walk away from
this video understanding exactly what
those barriers are for connection but
also how you can address them in a
healthy way that's also Mindful and
respectful of the avoidant to get past
those walls and form a deeper Bond and
connection now if you're new to this
channel my name is taes I'm really
excited that you're here and grateful
that you stopped by and I put daily
content out here all about the
subconscious mind attachment Styles and
how to really build the best
relationships of our life by first
learning how to heal
and build the best relationship possible
to
ourselves um obviously the a huge part
of really connecting with a dismissible
warden isn't just like connecting with
some of their character traits at a high
level here and like being mindful of
some of these patterns it's also really
knowing the things that are going to
land poorly and sting or really affect
them and do harm to the relationship as
a result now um part of why we have to
talk about this in so much detail as
well is because dismissible WS are so
good at like being you know like Stone
facing through things like showing no
weakness showing no feelings that often
times you'll have no idea that you're
even affecting
them so when it comes to this one of the
first things that you want to make sure
that you're very mindful of is how much
and how often um the way you communicate
to a dismissive avoidant is going to
feel like criticism like dismissive wens
truly they feel and I've like been
shocked over the years when I met with
more and more and more people who were
Das um but they'll take really small
things as criticisms the vast majority
of the time if you say I need more time
together they may take that as a
criticism like oh you think I'm not
doing enough or or um rather than it
just being like a need and just a
request which is like we have to be able
to request St from each other um in the
name of like doing healthy relationships
and we're not supposed to know each
other's needs we're only really going to
arrive there when it comes to different
needs through communicating about them
so like usually like securely attached
people talk about their needs and they
don't always know each other's needs
right like the vast majority of time
they don't so that's like a normal
healthy thing it never makes somebody
bad or wrong or shameful if you had to
communicate a need but I will tell you
dismissive avoidance don't usually feel
that way um they do usually feel like
I'm bad or I'm wrong now here's why
remember a moment ago we were talking
about how a lot of dismissable avoidance
when I started asking questions more
they would be like I don't know how to
do it or I feel incapable often times
because they're carrying that deep inner
feeling about themselves as soon as they
hear a need it seems to reinforce that
big set of fears or wounds and so to be
able to have a dialogue and to be able
to say like um what you need you can you
want to handle these things with a lot
of extra care so we want to avoid shame
wounds one of the easiest ways is just
start off by saying things that you do
care about and value and appreciate and
then say you know and here's what I need
and then maybe even end with something
else where you can say something you
care or value or appreciate and the more
you do that the the less it's going to
be received with criticism and also the
more you can talk about like and
normalize as a standard with your
partner or loved one because it can be a
family member or anything here too um
but the more you say hey we're not
supposed to know each other each other's
needs it's not nor we're not supposed to
mindr each other we're supposed to talk
like we're supposed to get good at
expressing what we need from each other
that's actually how a healthy
relationship works and evolves and stays
growing together instead of growing
apart and the more we normalize it the
more we can then communicate openly
about those things because sometimes
instead you might communicate and say
like I need you to talk on the phone
more or I need you to you know whatever
the need is and the da will often right
away be like you you want things from me
and you think I'm not doing good job and
you think I'm incapable and they tend to
really take things personally um and
honestly this happens with da in the
work workplace this happens with da
really in a lot of different places in
their lives um and again we take things
personally the more neglect we have as a
general rule in our upbringing um so
that is a very very important thing um
and and just knowing how to phrase your
communication so you're not going to
shame somebody for something or make
them feel shame um and again it's not
that you are making them feel shame it's
that you might be handling communication
less than optimally but then they really
take it personally and the com the
combin of those things is what creates
that that big feeling of Shame um but
just the more mindful you are the better
another big thing is I know for a lot of
fas in here um and sometimes APs too um
you know sometimes you think and I'll
just speak from personal experience like
I thought growing up because I saw my
parents fighting like cats and dogs all
the time I thought growing up that like
that's what love is like that's how
people are in relationships they fight
like crazy that's love so when I look
back until I did a lot of healing and
self-work when I look back at like these
early relationships in my life like mind
you was like a teenager at the time but
like I would pick fights because I
thought that like hey this is what we're
this is how we know we're in a
passionate connected relationship and
and so if I thought that things were too
normal I would be like oh my gosh the
relationship's fading it's dying out the
connection is over and so you know so a
big learning for me was oh that's
definitely not how other people feel and
I can tell you who feels like that the
least and it's dismissive avoidance
nobody is going to want to get away from
that situation more than a dismissive
avoidant because fighting drama conflict
it it like it really terrifies them deep
down like dismissible wens are really
generally super highly uncomfortable in
Conflict oriented situations they didn't
have that model to them it's not part of
their subconscious comfort zone it
doesn't feel safe they don't feel
empowered to know how to work through
conflict and they tend to go into like
survival mode and then feel like their
needs are not met um so it's really
important to recognize hey that's not
necessarily
um all the Real Housewives lousy
programming that was funny it's true um
yeah and sun says they freeze right like
and that's tends to be a a big um sort
of normal space for DA they kind of go
into freeze mode and it's honestly like
a bit of a trauma response um so yeah I
hear this too right the moment someone
shouts at me I shut down hard
dismissible like securely attached
people don't like that but dismissible
wens like it will make them want to run
the other way like it really causes this
super uncomfortable um situation so it
triggers this wound of like I am unsafe
and like we don't like to be around
things where we truly feel unsafe so
being mindful of that is huge another
big thing is um feeling trapped scares
dismissive avoidance a lot so like
sometimes if you're asking for um
something that you need or maybe you're
dating somebody and you like want a
commitment right what we don't want to
do is put people in like pigeon hold
situation so maybe you've been dating a
DA for let's say three months and let's
say that you want a commitment you want
to know you know maybe you don't
generally people commit around three
four months securely attached people
sometimes a little longer sometimes a
little shorter depending on
circumstances like were they friends
first have they known each other for a
long time different things will VAR like
create a variation of Dynamic so let's
say you're at like two or three months
and you are wanting that commitment um
so then if you're in that position you
don't want to have conversations like
this and this is one example of many
examples but you don't want to have a
conversation that says like what are we
are we
committed because it it puts this sense
of like I need the answer right now it
almost gives this like air of an
ultimatum um instead you know you want
to have conversations that are like hey
I'm really enjoying this relationship
I'm really enjoying how things are going
I could definitely see this turning into
something it doesn't have to be
immediate but I do need to know that you
know my time is valuable and for me to
be investing my time I want to know that
you're on the same page and also see a
strong future so like conversations like
that tend to bode a lot better and this
can come across in a variety of
different ways right it can be
conversations about moving in together
buying a house where you're going to
live like whatever it is rather than
saying are we going to live here you
know are we going to going to move in
are we because there's this sense of
like I need to know right now you need
to tell me immediately so instead of
going through that Dynamic having more
of this kind of open-ended conversation
but that you still get your needs met
for certainty like I need to know that
we're on the same page I need to know
that we're moving in the same direction
you know I do need to know that this
will come about it doesn't have to be
the second but I need to know that we're
going there you know doing things like
that allow to have um you know in
important commitment-based conversations
without the like trapping nature of how
those conversations can come across
right again like I'll say this
throughout this whole presentation over
and over again this isn't about doing
back flips to like appease the other
person this is about knowing how you're
most likely to get your needs met well
connecting to them and being able to be
mindful and considerate of some of their
different wounds and fears other really
important things related to core wounds
um when dismissable WS do do something
and they do make an effort acknowledge
it see it pay attention to it honor it
appreciate it it doesn't have to be over
the top but just like even just
mentioning I I hey I see you're putting
in an effort I appreciate it I've never
seen any other attachment style respond
so well to positive reinforcement of
needs better than any other attachment
Style by Leaps and Bounds and I think
it's because it inherently gets them out
of this mindset or belief sort of way
that they're living that thinks oh my
gosh I'm I'm not capable of doing this
I'm not good at doing relationships I'm
not capable at doing relationship ship
every time you say hey I see you're
trying I know you're making an effort I
notice it thank you every time you do
that it it gets them around that belief
about themselves which is a huge sabur
in relationships um and on top of that
it makes them feel the opposite of shame
it makes them feel you know pride and
and supported and and it makes them see
that them opening up is doing good and
not bad because making an effort in a
relationship is inherently
vulnerable right and like who who hates
vulnerability the most is our da so when
they're doing something vulnerable when
there's a little bit of positive
reinforcement that ends up being a
fantastic thing also hello to somebody
returning faces it's nice to see
everybody I keep seeing little faces pop
and I'm like oh hi um so so um the more
we're doing these things the better it
makes a huge difference other really
important place to acknowledge is when
and if a dismissible Wen does open up
right they're not going to like you're
not going to sit down on date number
seven and they're going to tell you
their whole life story you know they
they'll open up a little bit over time
but acknowledging that like like doing
things to support that right so so
saying things like hey like that was
really courageous to share that or
little tiny things even that might be a
little bit too strong um but just
validating like their feelings their
perspective when they do open up goes a
very very long way um and funnily enough
dismiss of avoidance don't love when you
try to solve their problem problems when
they do open up um similar to all other
attachment Styles if you try to solve
their problems when they do open up
they I came in and saw Jerry's reaction
to that and it made me laugh um but what
ends up happening is is dismissive
avoidance um because it's like these
kind of rare occasions when they do open
up they actually usually want you to
validate their emotions like oh I see
why that would suck I see why that hurts
to feel that way I see why you know
that's an uncomfortable situation If
instead you're like oh do this or do
this they tend to receive it as like oh
you think I can't handle myself you
think that I can't handle my own
problems you're trying to do it for me
so when dismissive avoidance do open up
um the more you can you know hey I that
sucks like I appreciate you sharing that
that's not a very fun thing to be going
through I'm sorry you're going through
that I can see how you would feel hurt
or upset like the more you can just do a
little bit again I know that this is so
nuanced and again this you're job is not
to be like a scientist and remember all
these little tiny pieces but um if you
overdo the emotional validation for two
long they'll close back down if you
don't validate and you try to solve the
problem they'll close down and they
won't open up again so you have this
kind of tricky Middle Ground where you
want to be able to validate a little bit
like oh that's a tough situation like I
can see why that would feel super
uncomfortable but if you say something
like oh my gosh that's the saddest thing
I've ever heard you must be so hurt and
sad and frustrated and I can't can't
believe like if you want for too long
they're like okay you're making me feel
too much I need to close back down again
and go back into my safe zone so like
having that middle ground validating
even asking you know what is there
anything I can do to support you is
there anything you need from me or like
hey that's that's amazing that you're
sharing that and you were able to go
through that and come out the other side
of it if it's something they're sharing
about their past like doing things like
that tend to be that really healthy
Middle Ground um so again I I'm going to
tell you the go goal of this today is to
tell you all the information so you can
notice what you might be doing you can
take the pieces that apply best to you
but your job is not to like do back
flips all the time and remember every
single little thing because then you'll
just end up in this like self- abandoned
relationship where you're not showing up
for your own needs and your own feelings
and experiences too um so just be
mindful of that throughout today um
another big thing is dismissive
avoidance generally have this huge idea
that when they do open up or they are
expressing emotion in any way that it
makes them like weak super weak um the
more we can oppose that hey it's strong
the more we can talk about like hey it's
actually really strong and courageous
when people open up like look at our
world today the whole world is designed
to like not get you to open up and to
scare us out of like opening up and
being vulnerable and so the more that we
actually do that the more courageous
that is even if you just share that from
your own experience your own belief
system your own example um then that's a
great place to start just so that if
that person then opens up to you they
already know that you're not going to
judge them as being weak you're going to
see them through the lens of of being
strong so that tends to be a huge um
plus as well and something good to to
pay attention to um they tend to have a
sensitivity towards being helpless or
powerless um so the more that you can
encourage them like the opposite of
helplessness is is um either supported
um or empowered right and we can sort of
have empowered for the opposite of
powerless um and so the more that like
we can feed into that in conversation
um if you're if they're going to have to
rely on you for something letting them
know that you'll be there to support
them in the process things like that so
that it just we know how to in
conversation bypass some of these core
wounds again dismiss avoidance you know
ideally they're working through their
their own core wounds things like that
but um the more we know the easier it is
to consider somebody
else
for
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