You Need To Stop Taking Things Personally
Summary
TLDRThis video explores the concept of taking things personally and its connection to narcissism. It highlights how personalizing external criticism or rejection can lead to negative feelings and prevent personal growth. Using examples like breakups and job rejections, the speaker explains how shifting focus from internal identity flaws to external behaviors allows for actionable change. By adopting empathy and externalizing the problem, we can improve our relationships and mental well-being. The video also touches on coaching, offering solutions for those struggling to see things from others' perspectives.
Takeaways
- 😀 Taking things personally creates negative emotions and bad outcomes, making it essential to learn how to avoid doing so.
- 🤔 Taking things personally is linked to narcissism, where the individual feels attacked and fails to address the real issue.
- 😕 Narcissists tend to internalize problems and play the victim instead of recognizing their own behavior as the cause of issues.
- 💔 In relationships, internalizing statements like 'it's not you, it's me' leads to feelings of inadequacy and low self-esteem, even when the problem isn't within you.
- 💡 The key to stopping taking things personally is accepting responsibility for specific behaviors without seeing it as an identity flaw.
- 🛠 Externalizing the problem from yourself allows you to focus on actionable areas of improvement, rather than seeing it as a defect in your character.
- 🎯 By identifying concrete areas of growth, like insufficient skills after an interview rejection, you can take corrective actions and feel empowered.
- 👁 Practicing empathy and understanding others' perspectives helps reduce the likelihood of taking things personally and can improve relationships.
- 🚫 Narcissists fail to change because they place the blame on themselves without addressing the specific behaviors causing the problems.
- 🌱 Accepting responsibility for behaviors, rather than identity, leads to positive outcomes in both personal growth and relationships.
Q & A
What is the primary issue the speaker addresses in the video?
-The speaker focuses on how to stop taking things personally and explains the negative consequences of doing so.
How does the speaker connect taking things personally with narcissism?
-The speaker explains that taking things personally is a trait of narcissism, as narcissists tend to view criticism as a personal attack, making it difficult for them to change their behavior.
What are some of the negative consequences of taking things personally, according to the speaker?
-Taking things personally leads to bad feelings, unproductive behaviors, low self-esteem, and an inability to take corrective action because the person focuses on themselves rather than the actual issue.
How does the speaker suggest people can stop taking things personally?
-The speaker suggests practicing empathy by looking at things from another person’s perspective and externalizing the problem, focusing on behavior rather than personal identity.
What example does the speaker give to illustrate how narcissists deflect responsibility?
-The speaker uses an example of a narcissist who shows up drunk repeatedly. When confronted about the behavior, instead of addressing the issue, the narcissist plays the victim, saying they can't make anyone happy.
How does taking responsibility relate to not taking things personally?
-Taking responsibility involves acknowledging the specific behaviors that need improvement rather than internalizing the issue as a personal defect, which leads to better outcomes and growth.
What role does empathy play in resolving the issue of taking things personally?
-Empathy helps by encouraging individuals to view situations from another person’s perspective, which allows them to focus on actionable behaviors instead of internalizing the problem.
Why is externalizing the problem important in changing behavior?
-Externalizing the problem shifts the focus away from seeing oneself as inherently flawed and helps identify specific behaviors that can be addressed, leading to more effective changes.
What does the speaker suggest you do if you're unsure about the specific behaviors you need to change?
-The speaker recommends asking the other person what behaviors they observe that bother them and analyzing what actions could improve the situation, even if you're unsure.
How does the speaker relate the process of not taking things personally to improving relationships and self-esteem?
-By focusing on specific behaviors rather than personal identity, individuals can take corrective action, which improves their relationships and self-esteem, leading to more positive outcomes.
Outlines
🧠 How to Stop Taking Things Personally
The speaker introduces the topic of how to stop taking things personally, explaining that it often creates negative feelings and outcomes. They discuss how people tend to internalize remarks and take them to heart, leading to frustration, especially in situations like breakups. The speaker highlights that one of the most transformative concepts they've taught their patients is to stop personalizing things, which involves accepting responsibility and will lead to better emotional outcomes.
🔍 Narcissism and Taking Things Personally
The speaker draws a connection between narcissism and taking things personally. They explain that narcissists often deflect criticism by playing the victim and not addressing the root problem. Instead of fixing behaviors, they internalize everything as a personal attack, which perpetuates a cycle of victimhood. This is compared to how people, in general, may misinterpret feedback and feel guilt instead of addressing external issues.
💔 Breakups and Internalizing Blame
The speaker explores how individuals often misinterpret breakups by blaming themselves, leading to feelings of guilt and low self-esteem. They explain that when someone says, 'It's not you, it's me,' it may be true, but the person being rejected might still feel at fault. This prevents them from identifying actionable solutions, creating a cycle of self-blame with no path to improvement.
👥 Responsibility in Job Rejections and Relationships
The speaker uses job rejections to explain how internalizing failure can be harmful. Instead of blaming themselves, individuals should focus on the actionable reasons for their rejection, such as lacking a skill. This mirrors the experience in relationships where someone may feel inadequate but needs to address specific behaviors rather than self-worth. By externalizing the problem and taking responsibility for behavior changes, personal growth and improvement are possible.
🔄 Understanding External Behaviors for Personal Growth
The speaker emphasizes the importance of externalizing problems rather than taking them personally. By focusing on behaviors instead of internal flaws, individuals can identify specific actions to improve, leading to better outcomes in relationships and careers. They stress that this approach helps separate self-worth from external situations, which is key to taking responsibility and fostering growth.
🔍 Self-Reflection Through Empathy
The speaker advises practicing empathy and seeing situations from others' perspectives to better understand behaviors that might be causing issues. They suggest asking questions to gain clarity on how one's actions are perceived, as this helps separate identity from behavior. By focusing on tangible actions rather than internal feelings, individuals can take steps toward improvement.
🛠️ Actionable Steps to Address Criticism
The speaker encourages focusing on concrete manifestations of criticism, such as specific behaviors, and addressing them instead of getting hung up on emotions or ego. They explain that even if the perceived problem may not be the actual issue, improving related behaviors can still lead to positive outcomes. This is part of taking responsibility and separating ego from action.
🚀 Improving Life by Changing Behavior
The speaker concludes by explaining that changing behavior, rather than internalizing problems, leads to improved relationships and overall happiness. By externalizing issues and focusing on actionable changes, individuals can break the cycle of taking things personally and start seeing better results in both their personal and professional lives.
🧘 Ego, Narcissism, and Coaching Support
The speaker touches on the relationship between ego and narcissism, offering resources such as meditation guides and coaching programs to help people externalize their issues and gain a fresh perspective. Coaching, in particular, is highlighted as an effective tool for seeing situations from a new lens, which can aid in personal growth and overcoming challenges.
🎯 Final Thoughts and Coaching Support
The speaker wraps up the video by reiterating the value of externalizing problems and how coaching can provide actionable insights into personal behavior. They invite viewers to check out additional resources and to reflect on the lessons shared, encouraging feedback on whether the approach resonates.
Mindmap
Keywords
💡Taking things personally
💡Narcissism
💡Victim mentality
💡Externalizing the problem
💡Accepting responsibility
💡Empathy
💡Narcissistic defense mechanism
💡Low self-esteem
💡Corrective action
💡Mentalization-based therapy
Highlights
The speaker introduces the concept of not taking things personally and explains its importance in life.
Taking things personally leads to bad feelings and poor outcomes, which can be avoided by understanding the issue properly.
The speaker addresses the difficulty of teaching people how to stop taking things personally and the transformation it can bring.
Narcissism is linked to taking things personally, where narcissists often play the victim instead of addressing their behaviors.
Narcissists deflect responsibility by focusing on themselves as victims rather than solving the actual issue.
In relationships, people often take things personally, even when the problem may not lie with them.
Taking things personally prevents people from identifying the real issue, leading to self-blame and low self-esteem.
Not taking things personally allows one to externalize the problem, accept responsibility, and take corrective actions.
When we externalize the issue, it becomes clear what can be worked on or improved, rather than blaming oneself.
The speaker explains how narcissists often fail to change their behaviors because they don’t focus on the actual problem.
When you stop taking things personally, it helps improve relationships and performance by focusing on actionable behaviors.
Looking at situations through the lens of others allows you to better understand how your behavior affects them.
The speaker emphasizes the importance of asking for feedback and examining manifestations of one’s behavior to make improvements.
Improving behaviors by taking responsibility rather than internalizing blame can lead to better outcomes and emotional well-being.
Coaching programs can be valuable by providing an external perspective and helping individuals see things from a clearer, unbiased view.
Transcripts
today I want to talk to you all about
how to stop taking things
[Music]
personally so as we go through life
often times people will tell us things
that we don't want to hear and we take
it incredibly personally they'll say
things like oh bro like don't take it so
personally man like it's not really you
or if we're going through a breakup like
oh my God it's not you it's me and it's
infuriating and when I work with my
patients one of the most important
things that has trans formed their lives
is to teach them how to stop taking
things personally when you take things
personally it creates bad feelings and
bad outcomes and if we can learn how to
stop taking things personally which
ironically means accepting
responsibility those two are at opposite
ends of the spectrum as I hope to show
you what we'll discover is that it will
help you feel better and do better now I
was even debating making this video and
I talked to about it about my team
because I think while this concept is so
transformation
it is also really really hard to explain
so when I work with my patients it's
like at some point they get this like
light bulb that goes off above their
head like a a flip a switch flips in
their mind and then suddenly they get it
and it's really awesome but it's really
hard for me to try to explain this so I
I think it's really stressing my
abilities as a teacher so please try to
stay with me please try to get what I'm
saying because I think it'll really help
a lot and if that doesn't work out
remember it's not you it's me
so let's start by actually looking at
narcissism which if we really stop and
think about it for a second taking
things personally is a feature of
narcissism right so I want youall to
think about the people in your life that
you know who are narcissistic thankfully
one of the interesting positive sides
for the skyrocketing rate of narcissism
that we see due to things like the
internet is now at least everyone has
seen a narcissist and maybe you are a
little bit narcissistic it's what the
internet and social media is doing to us
we all watch videos on the internet
because we want to change the problem is
that even though we keep watching them
we don't necessarily change I want to
talk to you all about our coaching
program and if you're not interested
just jump forward 20 seconds and get
straight to the video but if you're
someone who is ready to actually make
change if you want to see outcomes in 6
8 12 weeks if you guys are struggling
with problems like career stuff burnout
stuff social skills low self-esteem if
you're trying to struggle to motivate
yourself to actually act that's what we
built a coaching program for check out
the link in the description below to see
how coaching can help you and now on to
the video so here is a narcissist I
guess they are green and what happens is
let's say that you are over here and you
say to the narcissist hey I don't like
this thing that you do right so let's
say that you have a narcissist who
always shows up drunk they are drinking
all the time this is a bottle of beer I
it looks like lipstick I look look y'all
don't watch me for the art okay so let's
say they they always show up drunk and
you tell the narcissistic person hey I
don't like this thing that you are doing
and how does the narcissistic person
respond the narcissistic person is like
oh my God I don't know what I can do to
make you happy I've tried everything I
do everything they take it so personally
right they're like I've tried everything
I don't know how to make you happy like
this is a relationship that I can't win
in they play the victim card and instead
of focusing on this problem over here
they take things personally this is a
defect of them as a person and if it
becomes a defect of them as a person
they don't actually fix this right
that's like what happens with the
narcissistic defense mechanism is that
they start playing the victim and then
they never actually have to create their
behavior they start saying all this crap
they make you feel guilty and they like
they never actually change because they
don't understand that the problem is
over here and instead you know they sort
of make the problem over here and this
is exactly the problem with taking
things personally now let's flip things
around so let's say that you are going
through a breakup with someone and the
person says it's not you it's me and if
they say the problem isn't you it's me
and you take that personally where do
you think the problem is the problem is
over here right and you're like oh my
God like what did I do wrong like I knew
I'm pathetic I I know that you're seeing
someone else like whatever kinds of
negative thoughts happen but you
internalize the problem that's what it
means to take something person
personally now this creates a huge
problem because sometimes you're
actually right and there is a problem
within you but even in this case you
don't know what that problem is right
because they're not saying this is the
reason I'm breaking up with you that
there's an external reason over here
they're actually saying that the problem
is not you at all so even in the event
that they the problem does lie with you
you still don't know what it is and you
can't really take corrective action
there's another
devastating possibility which is that
this person is actually being honest
that they are going through some stuff
in their life right now where they're
not ready for a relationship there
really is nothing wrong with you and
then what happens is you feel bad and
the other problem is that there is no
corrective action to take see if you're
dating someone and they no longer want
to be with you because of they're
that they're going through there's
nothing you can do to actually fix that
so there's no corrective action so
there's no improvement that you can make
but you feel bad and then you will
further rack your
brain thinking what is wrong what is
wrong what is wrong what do I need to
fix what do I need to fix what do I need
to fix and this in turn leads to low
self-esteem which in turn leads to more
narcissistic defense mechanisms right
there's not actually anything to fix
because the problem isn't within you but
the moment that you take it personally
you beat yourself up the problem is you
you don't really know what to fix and
this becomes a huge problem so what is
the alternative so this is what I work
with with my patients which is is what
we actually want to do is accept the
appropriate responsibility let's say
that I go for an interview at Google and
there is some kind of Le code interview
okay so the skill is lead code and then
here is some prospective employer I go
to the interview and they say sorry you
don't get the job now in this situation
I have two choices I can take things
personally oh my God I knew I wasn't C
cut out for this I really suck at this
like oh my God like you take it
personally right the defect is within
you it is a part of your identity it is
an identity defect and this is exactly
how narcissists feel by the way right so
they feel like there isn't oh no it's
not you just don't like me it's not that
you don't like how I always steal your
or I'm always drunk or I have no
compassion for you or I don't listen to
what you say or how I prioritize all my
needs above yours it's none of that
stuff you just dislike me I can't win
right because what they see is they see
the problem is over here and I want
youall to think about this if you were a
shitty human what is the solution to
that if the problem is in your identity
you cannot change your identity it is
not actionable information so
interestingly enough if you go through
an interview and you don't get hired and
some people will take this personally
the defect is in here but this is not
actionable so when I work with my
patients what I try to help them do is
see what the actual defect effect is
right what we actually want to do is
externalize the problem from ourselves
when we externalize the problem from
ourselves we open ourselves up to
accepting
responsibility and we also create a path
of action the reason I didn't get hired
is not because I am a screwed up human
being the reason I did not get hired I
know this is shocking is because there
is a insufficiency of the skills that I
presented and I want youall to think
about that right that's literally what
not taking things personally is it is
not the problem isn't me it is there's
this thing that I need to work on even
in the case of a breakup right if
someone says I need someone who's more
emotionally available and if you're not
careful you will take that personally
and you'll be like oh my God how am I
ever like there's nothing I can do about
that this is who I am right this is who
I am it's deterministic it's fatalistic
and it's exactly how narcissists talk
they never actually address their
problem s which is why so going back to
the narcissist right if I have a problem
Behavior over here right like drinking
and someone says this is the problem but
the narcissist places the blame over
here they take things personally then
what that means is they never actually
correct this this continues again and
again and again the behavior continues
forever so the more that they take
things personally the less they actually
fix things in their life which
propagates the cycle and is what creates
the life of a narcissist which is that
no one ever likes me I don't know what I
can do differently I've tried so hard
everyone hates me and then they ignore
their behaviors over and over and over
again so now what we can do with some
something super cool we can use the
blindness of a narcissism to shed light
on our own lives and when we take things
personally we are literally doing the
same thing here is you and here is your
behavior and if you see the problem over
here instead of see the problem over
here because we as human beings are not
good at seeing problems in two places we
tend to look at just one problem right
oh yeah it's not you it's me or I'm the
problem in the relationship or you're
the problem in the relationship shared
responsibility is scary and way more
complicated so what this does is when we
see th things over here we do not see
what is in here and then we can't take
corrective action so instead what we
want to do and this is what's
revolutionary for my patients is when I
help them see that you are actually
totally fine as a human being it is this
behavior that you need to change and
what I tend to find with my patients is
when they start to realize this not only
do they feel better right because now
I'm not a poos over here and they can
take corrective action and this is what
taking responsibility means so you can
take corrective action and then as these
problems start getting better their
relationships start improving their
performance starts improving everything
gets better and they feel better because
they don't feel like a POS because they
recognize that the problem is outside of
myself if the problem is outside of
myself there is a clearer way to fix it
so how do we go about doing that so
literally what I want you all to do is
to anytime you take something personally
I want you to try to remove yourself
from the equation so in try to practice
a little bit of empathy put yourself in
the other person's shoes and ask
yourself what do they actually see what
is the behavior what are the words what
what is the visible expression it is not
identity right cuz they have no sense of
like who your identity is like that's
not a thing that they can see there are
going to be certain things that you are
doing saying certain ways that you're
acting that the other person is going to
perceive so the first thing that you
need to do is look through the eyes of
the other person which by the way is the
exact deficit that narcissists have
right so even if we look at
evidence-based treatment for narcissism
one of the treatments is something
called mentalization based therapy and
in mentalization based therapy literally
what we're training these people to do
is see things through other people eyes
so ask yourself if you get something
that makes you feel bad and you're
taking it personally you feel like a POS
look at the other person's perspective
and ask what are they seeing now the
other thing that you can do is literally
ask them what are you seeing that I'm
doing what are the behaviors that bother
you what are the words that bother you
like help me understand so what we want
to do is try to externalize our
perception and look at ourselves or look
at what they see the next thing that we
want to do is try to focus on when when
when you say I am a p o s and you take
things personally that is going to
result in once again certain
manifestations so what are the
manifestations is it that I don't text
people back fast enough is it that what
is what are the manifestations of being
a POS and as you examine the
manifestations you're going to start to
discover things over here and then comes
the most important step is once you
start to isolate these things and this
is the beautiful thing they don't even
need to be right right so a lot of my
patients will get hung up what if what
if I'm wrong about this right what if
I'm wrong about let's say this person
says I'm not invested in the friendship
and I ask them okay what what does this
person see well they text me and I don't
text them back and then my patients will
ask well what if I'm wrong what if
that's the wrong thing and that's not
really the problem that that is in the
relationship this is where I say I don't
care what what do you how do you feel
about texting people back more
frequently like do you think that would
improve your life in some way do you
think that that could help may help your
other relationships as well so as you
take this as you take this approach
you're going to start to isolate these
kinds of things and then you're going to
start working on them this is what we
mean by accepting responsibility you're
going to start to fix those actions and
the Beautiful Thing is as you start to
fix those actions you separate things
from your ego as you separate things
from your ego and you start to take the
right action you remove bad feelings and
bad outcomes and if you stop and really
think about it right so we're going to
end by talking about the narcissists
what is it that the narcissist never
does they never change their
Behavior they never change what
they say they keep on insisting that the
problem is within them but the whole
reason that it's so infuriating is
because they do not focus on the things
that are outside of them and so if you
want to take things less personally it
will help you so much practice a little
bit of empathy look at what other people
are seeing and you don't get to answer
with they're seeing a loser that is not
something you can see right even in the
case of a loser what is a loser maybe
it's someone who's overweight maybe it's
someone who doesn't wear properly
fitting clothing maybe it's someone who
doesn't it doesn't groom themselves
properly boom action item number one
action item number two action item
number three so literally look at things
through other people's eyes look at
things look at the manifestations of
what you feel makes you take things
personally and then focus on those
things it'll improve your life and it'll
proove the way that you feel last thing
is that there are a couple of other
things involved with this things like
ego and stuff like that we have other
sources that we talk about the
relationship of what activates the ego
because taking things personally is a
narcissist defense mechanism there's
certain meditation techniques and things
like that check out our videos on ego we
actually have a resource pack that's all
about ego and confidence and then we
also have things in in stuff like Dr K's
guide to meditation um the trauma guide
and then the last thing that is very
very
helpful is when we have trouble seeing
things the way that they are this is
really what our coaching program excels
at so the reason that their outcomes are
so good is because they are they're very
good at being an external lens for you
right so if you're having trouble
putting yourself in someone else's shoes
or seeing what they see that's exactly
what a coach is for they're there to
look at things from the outside and
share that information with you in an
actionable way so depending on what
y'all are interested check out more
stuff thanks for making it to the end of
the video and let us know if this
actually makes sense to you or not so is
it you or is it me or does it work out
or let us know
oh
[Music]
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