How To Really Listen To People | Jordan Peterson | Best Life Advice

Summary

The transcript explores the importance of genuine listening and empathic communication in personal growth and therapy. It emphasizes the value of understanding others' perspectives, even when they differ from our own, as a means to foster healthier relationships and personal insight. The speaker advocates for a therapeutic approach where the goal is mutual improvement through honest dialogue, challenging the listener to engage more deeply with others to uncover truths that can lead to psychological well-being.

Takeaways

• 🗣️ Communication is often one-sided, with people either trying to prove their point or impress others, rather than genuinely listening.
• 👂 Active listening is crucial for gaining new insights and avoiding conflicts, as it can reveal useful information that one might not initially know.
• 🤔 The speaker emphasizes the importance of being open to new information, even if it challenges one's existing beliefs, for personal growth.
• 🌱 Rogers' proposition suggests that honest conversations can lead to psychological health and improvement for both parties involved.
• 💡 The idea that truth can be curative is a deep concept that underpins the purpose of a therapeutic alliance, aiming for mutual understanding and improvement.
• 🤝 A real relationship is therapeutic, whereas a lack of genuine connection can lead to conflict and a breakdown in communication.
• 👁️ The speaker advocates for truly listening and observing during conversations, allowing thoughts and questions to emerge naturally without a preconceived goal.
• 💭 The dialogue between two individuals should aim to express the truth of a situation clearly, with the intention of making things better for both parties.
• 🧐 Listening deeply can reveal the unique and 'weird' aspects of a person, which can be fascinating and far from boring if one is truly engaged.
• 🤝 The speaker suggests that the orientation of a conversation should be towards mutual improvement, questioning why anyone would not aim for this outcome.
• 📈 Empathic understanding and accurate restatement of another's point of view can lead to significant personality changes and is a test of true listening.

Q & A

What is the primary difference between the type of conversation described in the script and typical communication?

The primary difference is that in the described conversation, the focus is on listening and potentially learning something new or useful, rather than trying to prove oneself right or impress the other person.

According to the script, why might someone engage in a conversation where they are not truly listening?

They might be more focused on planning their next response, trying to impress the other person, or demonstrating their own rightness, rather than genuinely engaging with what the other person is saying.

What does the script suggest is the potential benefit of listening to someone who is different from you?

Listening to someone different can provide new insights and information that you may not have known before, potentially making you less ignorant and better equipped to navigate the world.

What is the role of truth in the context of the therapeutic alliance as described by Rogers?

Rogers believed that the exchange of truth in a conversation is curative and contributes to psychological health. The purpose of the therapeutic alliance is to help both parties become better through the exploration of truth.

What is the minimal precondition for engaging in therapy according to the script?

The minimal precondition is recognizing that something is wrong, being willing to talk about it truthfully, and having the desire for improvement.

What does the script imply about the nature of a 'real' relationship?

A 'real' relationship, as implied by the script, is one where there is genuine listening and exchange of experiences, rather than a power struggle or an attempt to dominate.

How does the script describe the process of listening in a therapeutic session?

The script describes the process as actively listening, observing, and then sharing any thoughts, images, or questions that emerge without a specific goal other than making things better.

What is the significance of the experiment suggested by the script for testing the quality of understanding during an argument?

The experiment is significant because it requires each person to accurately restate the other's ideas and feelings before presenting their own point of view, which can lead to a deeper understanding and more effective communication.

What does the script suggest is the outcome of truly listening to people during a conversation?

The script suggests that if you truly listen to people, they will reveal surprising and 'weird' aspects of themselves, making the conversation far from dull.

What is the orientation that the script recommends for a conversation to be truly beneficial for both parties?

The recommended orientation is to aim for both parties to walk away from the conversation smarter and more well-equipped for the world than they were before.

How does the script define 'empathic understanding' in the context of a conversation?

Empathic understanding, as defined by the script, is understanding with a person, not about them, which is an effective approach that can lead to major changes in personality.

Outlines

00:00

🗣️ Active Listening and Psychological Health

The speaker emphasizes the importance of genuine listening in communication, contrasting it with the common approach of trying to assert one's own correctness. They discuss how listening can lead to personal growth and improved relationships, referencing Rogers' idea that truth-telling in conversation can be therapeutic. The paragraph also touches on the concept of a psychotherapeutic alliance, where the goal is mutual understanding and improvement, rather than winning an argument. The speaker advocates for the value of different perspectives and the potential for a single new piece of information to enhance one's knowledge and behavior.

05:03

🤔 The Art of Empathetic Listening and Personal Growth

This paragraph delves into the concept of empathic understanding and its power to induce personality changes. The speaker challenges the listener to consider their own listening skills and suggests an experiment for improving communication during disagreements. The experiment involves restating the previous speaker's points accurately before presenting one's own, which requires a deep understanding of the other person's perspective. The speaker argues that this method of communication is not only difficult but also highly effective, as it fosters a genuine exchange of experiences and promotes personal growth for both parties involved in the conversation.

Keywords

💡Communication

Communication is the act of conveying meaning from one entity to another through the exchange of information. In the context of the video, it is highlighted as a two-way process that should involve listening and understanding rather than just asserting one's own views. The script mentions that typical communication often involves trying to prove oneself right, but the speaker advocates for a different approach where the focus is on learning from each other.

💡Listening

Listening is the act of paying attention to and interpreting what is being said by someone else. The video emphasizes the importance of active listening in communication, where one is genuinely open to receiving and understanding the other person's perspective. The script points out that if a conversation is dull, it's likely because the participants are not truly listening to each other.

💡Psychotherapy

Psychotherapy refers to the treatment of mental health issues through talking therapies. The speaker discusses the concept of psychotherapy, suggesting that a good therapeutic session is one where the truth of the situation is expressed clearly, with the goal of making both parties psychologically healthier. The script uses this concept to illustrate the power of honest and open communication.

💡Empathy

Empathy is the ability to understand and share the feelings of another. The video speaks about the importance of empathic understanding in conversations, where one should aim to understand the other person's perspective without judgment. The script suggests that this approach can lead to major changes in personality and is a key component of a therapeutic relationship.

💡Truth

Truth, in the context of the video, is the accurate representation of reality or a situation. The speaker posits that the exchange of truth is curative and that it is the foundation upon which Western civilization is predicated. The script highlights the idea that seeking and sharing truth in conversations can lead to personal growth and improved psychological health.

💡Relationship

A relationship, in this context, refers to the dynamic between two or more individuals. The script differentiates between a real relationship, which is therapeutic and beneficial, and a dysfunctional one, which may involve dominance hierarchies or conflict. The speaker emphasizes that a real relationship is one where both parties are open to growth and understanding.

💡Therapeutic Alliance

The therapeutic alliance is the collaborative relationship between a therapist and a client. The video script discusses this concept, suggesting that the alliance is formed with the goal of improving the client's mental health. The speaker implies that a strong therapeutic alliance is built on the foundation of truth-telling and mutual understanding.

💡Personal Growth

Personal growth refers to the process of improving oneself in terms of emotional, intellectual, or social development. The video script suggests that engaging in open and honest conversations can lead to personal growth, as it allows individuals to learn new perspectives and challenge their own beliefs.

💡Argument

An argument is a set of claims or statements intended to persuade or demonstrate that a particular point of view is valid. The script uses the context of an argument to illustrate the importance of listening and understanding the other person's point of view before presenting one's own. This approach is suggested as a way to deepen the quality of communication.

💡Restatement

Restatement involves repeating or summarizing what someone else has said to ensure understanding. The video script proposes an experiment where participants must accurately restate the previous speaker's ideas and feelings before presenting their own argument. This exercise is meant to foster deeper listening and empathy in conversations.

💡Straw Man

A straw man is a common logical fallacy where one misrepresents an opponent's argument to make it easier to attack. The script warns against using this tactic in arguments, suggesting instead that one should aim to strengthen the other person's argument to foster a more productive and understanding dialogue.

Highlights

The importance of active listening in communication, as opposed to merely waiting for one's turn to speak.

The contrast between communication aimed at proving oneself right and communication aimed at mutual understanding and growth.

The value of being open to new information in conversation, even if it challenges one's pre-existing beliefs.

The idea that conversations can be a source of personal growth and learning, rather than simply a means to assert one's views.

The concept of truth as a curative element in psychological health, as proposed by Carl Rogers.

The necessity of a genuine relationship for therapeutic conversations, as opposed to a relationship based on dominance or conflict.

The role of a therapist as an active listener, who engages in dialogue with the aim of mutual improvement.

The transformative power of truly understanding another person's perspective, even if it initially seems strange or foreign.

The potential for deep and meaningful conversations to reveal the unique and 'weird' nature of individuals.

The importance of asking questions as a form of active listening that can lead to a deeper understanding.

The challenge of truly understanding another person's perspective, which requires setting aside one's own biases and preconceptions.

The potential for empathic understanding to bring about significant changes in personality and behavior.

The practice of restating another person's argument accurately as a means of demonstrating true listening and understanding.

The difficulty of accurately restating another's argument, which serves as a test of one's listening skills and empathy.

The therapeutic benefit of engaging in honest and open dialogue, even when it involves confronting uncomfortable truths.

The idea that a single valuable insight gained from a conversation can be more beneficial than numerous trivial exchanges.

Transcripts

okay we're having a conversation I'm

deciding I'm going to listen to you

right that's different than how people

generally communicate because usually

when they communicate they're doing

something like okay we're gonna have a

conversation and I'm gonna tell you why

I'm right and all win if you agree or

maybe you're having a conversation where

I don't know what you're trying to do

maybe you're trying to impress the

person you're talking to so you're not

listening to them at all you're just

thinking about what you're gonna say

next okay so that's not this this is you

might have something to tell me

and so I'm gonna listen on the off

chance that you'll tell me something

that would really be useful for me to

know and so if you agree with me and I

find that out I know nothing more than I

knew before I just know what I knew

before and maybe I'm happy about that

because you know it didn't get

challenged but I'm no smarter than I was

before but maybe you're different than

me and so while I'm listening to you

you'll tell me something I don't like

maybe it's something I find contemptible

or difficult whatever maybe you'll tell

me something I don't know and then I

won't be quite as stupid and then maybe

I won't run painfully into quite as many

things and that's a really useful thing

to know especially if you live with

someone and you're trying to make

long-term peace with them is they are

not the same as you and they're away

they look at the world and the facts

that they pull out of the world aren't

the same as your fact and even though

you're going to be overwhelmed with the

proclivity to demonstrate that you're

right it is the case that two brains are

better than one

and so maybe nine of the ten things they

tell you are dispensable or maybe even

49 out of 50 but one thing all you need

to get out of the damn conversation is

one thing you don't know and one of the

things that's very cool about a good

psychotherapeutic session is that the

whole conversation is like that all

you're doing is trying to express the

truth of the situation as clearly as

possible that's it and so now Rogers

proposition and I'll tell you why he

derived it was that if you have a

conversation like that with someone it

will

made both of you better it'll make both

of you psychologically healthier so

there's an implicit presupposition that

the exchange of truth is curative well

that's a very cool idea it's a very deep

idea

it's the idea upon which Western

civilization although not only Western

civilization is actually predicated the

idea that truth produces health but for

Rogers that was the entire purpose of

the psychotherapeutic alliance you come

to see me because you want to be better

you don't even know what that means

necessarily neither do i we're gonna

figure that out together but you come

and you say look things are not

acceptable to me and maybe there's

something I could do about that so

that's the minimal precondition to

engage in therapy something's wrong

you're willing to talk about it

truthfully and you want it to be better

without that the therapeutic

relationship does not get off the ground

and so then you might ask well what

relationships are therapeutic and the

answer that would be if you have a real

relationship it's therapeutic if it

isn't what you have is not a

relationship god only knows what you

have you're a slave they're a tyrant you

know you're both butting heads with one

another it's a primate dominance

hierarchy dispute oh I don't know you're

like two cats in a barrel or two people

with their hands around each other's

throats but what you have is not a

relationship one of the things I try to

do in my therapeutic sessions is first

of all to listen to really listen and

then well I listen I watch and well I'm

listening things will happen in my head

you know maybe I'll get a little image

of something or I'll get a thought or a

question will emerge and then I'll just

tell the person what that is but it's

sort of directionless you know it's not

like I have a goal except that we're

trying to make things better

I'm on the side of the part of the

person that wants things to be better

not worse and so those parts of us have

a dialogue and the consequence of that

dialogue is that certain things take

place and then I'll just tell the person

what happened and it isn't that I'm

right that's not the point the point is

is that they get to have an hour where

someone actually tells them what they

think here's the impact you're having on

me this is making me angry this is

making me happy this is really

interesting this reminds me of something

that you said

our ago that I don't quite understand

and the whole point is not for either

person to make the proposition or

convince the other that their position

is correct but merely to have an

exchange of experience about how things

are set up and it's extraordinarily

useful for people because it's often

difficult for anyone to find anyone to

talk to that will actually listen and so

another thing that's really strange

about this listening is that if you

listen to people they will tell you the

weirdest bloody things so fast you just

cannot believe it so if you're having a

conversation with someone and it's dull

it's because you're not listening to

them properly because they're weird

they're like warm bats or albatrosses or

rhinoceroses or something like there's

strange creatures and so if you are

actually communicating with them and

they were telling you how weird they

really are it would be anything but

boring and you can ask questions that's

a really good way of listening but one

of Rogers points is well you have to be

oriented properly in order to listen and

the orientation has to be look what I

want out of this conversation is that

the place we both end up is better than

the place we left that's it that's what

I'm after and if you're not after that

you got to think why the hell wouldn't

you be after that what could you

possibly be after that would be better

than that you walk away smarter and more

well-equipped for the world than you

were before you had the conversation and

so does the other person well maybe if

you're bitter and resentful and angry

and anxious and you know generally

annoyed at the world then that isn't

what you want you want the other person

to walk away worse and you too because

you're full of revenge but you know

you'll get what you want if you do that

so we know from our research that such

empathic understanding understanding

with a person not about them is such an

effective approach that it can bring

about major changes in personality some

of you may be feeling that you listen

well to people and that you have never

seen such results the chances are very

great that you have not been listening

in the manner that I've described

fortunately I can suggest a little

experiment that you can do to test the

quality of your understanding the next

time you get into an argument with your

wife or your friend or a small group of

friends stop the discussion for a moment

and for an experiment Institute

this rule each person can speak up for

himself only after he has first restated

the ideas and feelings of the previous

speaker accurately what accurately means

is they have to agree with your

Restatement now that's an annoying thing

to do because if someone is talking to

you and you disagree with them the first

thing you want to do is take their

argument make the stupidest possible

thing out of it that you can that's the

straw man and then demolish it it's like

so then you can walk away feeling good

about it and you know you've dominated

them really nicely but that isn't what

you do you say okay well I'm gonna take

what you told me and maybe I'm even

gonna make your arguments stronger than

the one you made that's useful if you're

dealing with someone that you have to

live with because maybe they can't

bloody well express themself very well

but they have something to say so you

make their arguments strong alright then

you see what this would mean it would

mean that before presenting your own

point of view would be necessary for you

to really achieve the other speakers

frame of reference to understand his

thoughts and feelings so well that you

could summarize them for him sounds

simple doesn't it but if you'll try it

you'll find that it's the most difficult

thing that you've ever done

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