The power of listening | William Ury | TEDxSanDiego

Summary

The speaker emphasizes the importance of listening as the often-overlooked half of communication. Using personal stories from high-stakes negotiations, the speaker illustrates how genuine listening can build trust, resolve conflicts, and foster better relationships. The talk challenges the notion that communication is just about talking and argues that listening is essential to understanding others and reaching agreements. The speaker advocates for a 'listening revolution' where listening becomes a core skill taught in schools, practiced by leaders, and valued in everyday interactions, transforming our world into a more peaceful and connected place.

Takeaways

• 🌳 The speaker questions if true communication occurs if no one listens, highlighting that listening is often overlooked.
• 👂 Listening is emphasized as the missing half of communication, especially in an age filled with distractions.
• 🗣️ Successful negotiation is more about listening than talking; understanding the other person's perspective is crucial.
• 🇻🇪 The speaker shares a story about President Hugo Chavez, illustrating how listening can change the course of a conversation and build rapport.
• 💡 Listening helps in understanding the other side, building connections, and making others more willing to listen.
• 🔑 The speaker identifies listening as a powerful tool in resolving conflicts and advancing peace.
• 👥 Genuine listening requires putting oneself in the other person's shoes, understanding not just their words but their emotions and needs.
• 🏛️ The speaker recounts resolving a major business dispute by listening deeply to the underlying needs of the parties involved.
• 🧠 Clearing one's mind and listening to oneself is essential for being able to truly listen to others in challenging situations.
• 🌍 The speaker envisions a 'listening revolution' where listening becomes a core skill taught from an early age, leading to better relationships and a more peaceful world.

Q & A

What is the main theme of the TED Talk?

The main theme is the importance of listening in communication and negotiation, emphasizing that genuine listening can transform relationships and resolve conflicts.

Why does the speaker compare listening to the philosophical riddle about the tree falling in the forest?

The speaker uses the riddle to illustrate that communication is incomplete without listening, similar to how a sound is only perceived when there is someone to hear it.

According to the speaker, what is the missing half of communication?

Listening is the missing half of communication. While there is a lot of talking, true communication requires active listening.

What experience does the speaker share about negotiating with Hugo Chavez?

The speaker shares an experience of listening to President Hugo Chavez during a tense negotiation in Venezuela. By listening without arguing, the speaker was able to shift the president's mood and help propose a peaceful solution.

What are the three reasons the speaker gives for why listening is important in negotiations?

The three reasons are: 1) It helps us understand the other side, 2) It helps connect and build rapport, and 3) It increases the likelihood that the other person will listen to us.

How did listening help resolve the dispute between the Brazilian entrepreneur and his French business partner?

By listening to the entrepreneur's deeper needs beyond his immediate demands, the speaker identified that the entrepreneur's core desire was freedom. This understanding helped to reach a satisfactory settlement for both parties.

What does the speaker suggest as a technique to improve listening?

The speaker suggests taking a moment of silence before a conversation to tune into and listen to oneself, clearing the mind of distractions to better listen to others.

What is the speaker's vision for a 'listening revolution'?

The speaker envisions a world where listening is taught as a core skill in schools, leaders are chosen for their listening abilities, and listening becomes a cultural norm, leading to stronger relationships and reduced conflicts.

How does the speaker propose listening can be integrated into everyday life?

The speaker proposes giving full attention in conversations with others, focusing on the person behind the words, and treating listening as a gift that fosters understanding and connection.

What impact does the speaker believe increased listening could have on global conflicts?

The speaker believes that by increasing listening, many conflicts could be prevented or resolved more peacefully, leading to fewer wars and a more harmonious world.

Outlines

00:00

🤔 The Power of Listening in Communication

The speaker explores the often overlooked importance of listening in communication. Through the philosophical riddle of whether a tree falling in the forest makes a sound if no one hears it, the speaker parallels this with the idea that speaking without being listened to isn't true communication. The speaker reflects on the significance of listening, especially in high-stakes negotiations, and shares a personal story involving a meeting with President Hugo Chavez of Venezuela. The key message is that listening can shift a situation, open minds, and lead to effective communication and resolution.

05:01

💡 Building Trust and Connection Through Listening

This section emphasizes the role of listening in building trust and rapport during negotiations. The speaker argues that listening is essential for understanding the other person's perspective, which is crucial for influencing their decisions. The act of listening not only fosters connection but also increases the likelihood of mutual understanding and agreement. The speaker uses the example of their interaction with President Chavez to illustrate how listening can lead to positive outcomes, even in tense situations.

10:02

🧘‍♂️ The Inner Work of Listening

The speaker discusses the challenges of genuine listening, noting that it requires mental and emotional clarity. To listen effectively, one must first listen to themselves, clearing their mind of distractions and noise. The speaker shares a personal experience of quieting their mind before a crucial conversation, allowing them to stay calm and focused. This practice of self-listening is presented as a key step in being able to truly listen to others, which in turn can lead to more productive and harmonious interactions.

15:05

🌍 Envisioning a World of Listeners

In the final section, the speaker dreams of a 'listening revolution' where listening is taught and valued as much as speaking. They imagine a world where listening is a core skill taught in schools, practiced in families, and prioritized by leaders. The speaker believes that if people listened more, many conflicts could be avoided or resolved more easily. The talk concludes with a call to action, encouraging everyone to start a chain reaction of listening in their own lives, which could ultimately transform relationships and create a better world.

Keywords

💡Listening

Listening is the act of giving one's full attention to understanding another person, not just hearing their words. In the video, listening is portrayed as the missing half of communication, essential in negotiation and conflict resolution. The speaker emphasizes that genuine listening involves understanding the speaker's underlying emotions and needs, as seen in the interaction with President Chavez, where listening helped shift the conversation towards resolution.

💡Communication

Communication is the process of exchanging information, ideas, or feelings between individuals. The video challenges the traditional notion that communication is primarily about talking, asserting instead that true communication requires both speaking and listening. The speaker argues that we live in an 'Age of Communication' filled with noise, but lacking real listening, which is crucial for meaningful dialogue.

💡Negotiation

Negotiation is a dialogue between two or more parties aimed at reaching a consensus or resolving a dispute. In the video, the speaker highlights that effective negotiation relies more on listening than talking. By understanding the other party's perspective, as demonstrated in the Venezuelan conflict and the Brazilian boardroom showdown, negotiators can find solutions that satisfy all parties involved.

💡Conflict Resolution

Conflict resolution is the process of resolving a dispute or disagreement through dialogue and negotiation. The speaker’s work in various high-stakes situations, such as labor strikes and political conflicts, underscores the importance of listening in resolving conflicts. The story of resolving the dispute in Venezuela illustrates how listening can transform adversarial relationships into cooperative ones.

💡Understanding

Understanding is the ability to grasp the meaning, significance, or nature of something. In the context of the video, understanding is a key outcome of listening. It involves not only hearing the words spoken but also recognizing the emotions, needs, and underlying motivations of the other party, which is critical for successful communication and negotiation.

💡Empathy

Empathy is the ability to understand and share the feelings of another person. The speaker emphasizes that genuine listening requires empathy—putting oneself in the other person’s shoes. By empathizing with President Chavez and the Brazilian entrepreneur, the speaker was able to listen more effectively and facilitate resolutions that met the deeper needs of those involved.

💡Attention

Attention is the act of focusing one's mind on a particular object, person, or activity. The video suggests that giving full attention to the speaker is a crucial part of genuine listening. The speaker’s ability to pay attention to President Chavez’s emotional state and the Brazilian businessman’s deeper desires was key to resolving their respective conflicts.

💡Distraction

Distraction refers to anything that diverts attention away from the task at hand. The speaker mentions that modern communication is filled with distractions that prevent real listening. By clearing our minds of distractions and focusing on the other person, we can achieve better communication and understanding, as shown in the speaker’s mediation experiences.

💡Genuine Listening

Genuine listening involves fully focusing, understanding, and responding thoughtfully to what the other person is saying. It goes beyond surface-level hearing and requires empathy and attention. The speaker describes how genuine listening, as opposed to just hearing, was crucial in negotiations, such as when resolving the conflict in Venezuela and the corporate dispute in Brazil.

💡Influence

Influence is the capacity to have an effect on the character, development, or behavior of someone or something. In the video, the speaker points out that negotiation is fundamentally about influence—changing someone else's mind. To influence effectively, one must first understand the other person’s perspective through listening, as illustrated in the speaker’s mediation work.

Highlights

The speaker presents a philosophical riddle: If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it, does it still make a sound? This sets the stage for discussing the importance of listening in communication.

The speaker argues that listening is the missing half of communication, emphasizing that it's crucial but often overlooked, especially in today's Age of Communication.

In negotiations, the speaker highlights that successful negotiators listen far more than they talk, illustrating the importance of understanding the other party's perspective.

A story is shared about a tense negotiation with President Hugo Chavez, where the speaker used active listening to de-escalate the situation and shift the president's mood.

The speaker emphasizes that listening helps us understand the other side, connect with them, and makes it more likely they will listen to us, thereby facilitating agreement.

Listening is described as the cheapest concession in negotiation, costing nothing but offering huge benefits in understanding and resolving conflicts.

The speaker shares a story about helping a Brazilian entrepreneur resolve a major legal dispute by listening to his underlying needs, which simplified the negotiation process.

The speaker reflects on the challenges of listening, noting that internal noise and distractions often prevent us from truly hearing others.

To listen effectively, the speaker suggests that we first need to listen to ourselves, clearing our minds of distractions before engaging in important conversations.

The concept of a 'listening revolution' is introduced, with the speaker envisioning a world where listening is taught in schools and practiced by leaders and parents alike.

The speaker imagines a world where leaders are chosen for their ability to listen, leading to more peaceful and productive societies.

The speaker proposes the idea of 'peace listens' instead of just 'peace talks,' suggesting that listening could prevent many conflicts from escalating.

The speaker calls for starting a chain reaction of listening, where each person who is listened to feels inspired to listen to the next.

The talk concludes with a powerful message: Listening can transform relationships, families, and the world for the better, 'ear by ear.'

The audience is encouraged to start this listening revolution immediately by giving full attention to others in their next conversation.

Transcripts

Transcriber: Mary Kay Reviewer: Denise RQ

There's an ancient and well-known philosophical riddle that asks:

"If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it,

does it still make a sound?"

A scientific view is that, while a tree will make waves in the air,

to make a sound, it takes an ear to hear it.

My question is,

if a person speaks and offers a TED Talk, for example,

and no one listens, is that really communication?

I believe that listening is the missing half of communication.

It is absolutely necessary but often overlooked.

We live in an age we call the Age of Communication.

Certainly, with cell phones, texts, tweets, and emails,

there is a lot of talking going on.

But how much listening can there really be

with so much interruption and distraction?

My passion for the last 30 years has been helping people get to "yes"

in very tough negotiations.

From family feuds to boardroom battles, from labor strikes to civil wars.

I hear a lot of talking, but I don't hear a lot of real listening.

We think of negotiation as being about talking.

In fact, it's really about listening.

If you study the behavior of successful negotiators,

you find that they listen far more than they talk.

After all, we're given two ears and one mouth for a reason.

We should listen at least twice as much as we speak.

Why listen? Why is it so important? Let me tell you a story.

Some years ago, I was in the country of Venezuela serving as a third party

between the government and the political opposition

at a time of intense conflict, with a lot of people fearing a civil war.

My colleague, Francisco Diaz and I had an appointment

with the President, Hugo Chavez, at 9:00 PM at the Presidential Palace.

Finally, at midnight,

we were ushered in to see the President

who had his entire cabinet arrayed behind him.

He asked me: "So, Ury, what do you think of the situation going on here?"

I said: "Mr. President, I've been talking to your ministers here, to the opposition.

I think you're making some progress."

"Progress? What do you mean progress?" he shouted.

"You're blind.

You're not seeing all the dirty tricks those traitors are up to."

He leaned in very close to my face and proceeded to shout.

What was I going to do?

Part of me felt like defending myself, naturally.

But what good would it do for me

to get into an argument with the President of Venezuela?

(Laughter)

How would that advance peace? So I just listened.

I gave him my full attention. I listened to where he was coming from.

President Chavez was famous for making eight hour speeches.

After 30 minutes of me just nodding and listening,

I saw his shoulders slowly sag.

He said to me in a very weary tone of voice: "So, Ury, what should I do?"

That's the sound of a human mind opening to listen.

I said: "Mr. President, it's almost Christmas.

The country needs a break.

Last year, all the festivities were canceled because of the conflict.

Why not propose a truce this time

so that people can enjoy the holidays with their families?

After that, maybe everybody will be in a better mood to listen."

He said: "That's a great idea. I'm going to announce that in my next speech."

His mood has completely shifted.

How? Through the simple power of listening.

Because I listened to him, he was more ready to listen to me.

There are at least three important reasons

why it's important to listen in any negotiation or conflict.

The first is that it helps us understand the other side.

Negotiation, after all, is an exercise in influence.

You're trying to change someone else's mind.

How can you possibly change someone else's mind

if you don't know where their mind is?

Listening is key.

The second reason is just as important.

It helps us connect with the other human being.

It helps us build rapport. It builds trust. It shows we care.

After all, everybody wants to be heard.

The third reason is, as with President Chavez,

it makes it more likely that the other person will listen to us.

It helps get to "yes."

In short, listening may be the cheapest concession

we can make in a negotiation.

It costs us nothing, and it brings huge benefits.

Listening may be the golden key that opens the door to human relationship.

How do we listen?

It turns out that we often take listening for granted

as something easy and natural.

But in fact, at least in my experience, real genuine listening is something

that needs to be learned and practiced every day.

In ordinary listening, we're hearing the words.

We're often thinking, "Where do I agree? Where do I disagree?

What am I going to say in response?" In other words, the focus is on us.

In genuine listening, however, the spotlight moves to the other person.

We put ourselves in their shoes. We tune into their wavelength.

We listen from within their frame of reference, not just ours.

That's not easy.

In genuine listening, we listen not just for what's being said,

but for what's not being said.

We listen not just to the words, but to what's behind the words.

We listen for the underlying emotions, feelings, and needs.

We listen for what that person really needs or wants.

Let me give you an example.

About a year and a half ago, I was invited to help a Brazilian entrepreneur

by the name of Abilio Diniz.

He was trapped in a titanic legal dispute

with his French business partner over the control of Brazil's largest retailer.

The Financial Times called it perhaps

the biggest cross-continental boardroom showdown in recent history.

It had gone on for two and a half years.

It was immensely costly and stressful,

not only to both parties but to their families

and the 150,000 employees of the company.

When I sat down with Abilio in his home, I listened to his story.

After that, I had a question.

I said: "Abilio, help me understand here. What do you really want?"

He said: "Well, I want the stock at a certain price.

I want the company headquarters.

I want the elimination of the non-compete clause."

He gave me a list. As I listened, I heard something deeper there that was unspoken.

I asked him: "Abilio, you're a man who seems to have everything.

What are these things really going to give you?

What do you most want in your life?"

He paused for a moment and thought about it.

Finally, he said: "Freedom. I want my freedom.

I want to be free to pursue my business dreams.

I want to be free to spend time with my family." That was it.

I was hearing the human being behind the words

not just the champion businessman.

Once we were clear about his deepest need,

then the negotiation itself, while challenging, became a lot easier.

In four short days, my colleagues and I,

by listening to the other side,

were able to take this titanic dispute

and resolve it with a settlement that left both sides highly satisfied.

As Abilio being a friend in the process later told me,

"I got everything I wanted. But most importantly, I got my life back."

How did that happen? Through the simple power of listening.

If listening is so useful, why isn't everyone doing it?

To tell you the truth, it's not so easy.

If I reflect on my own experience for a moment,

there are times when I feel like I'm listening pretty well in my work,

only to go home and find out I'm not listening so well to my wife.

It's humbling. I can tell you.

The real problem in the way, what makes it so hard to listen

is that there is so much going on in our minds.

There is so much noise and distraction

that we don't have the mental and emotional space

to be able to truly listen to the other side.

How do we clear our minds?

It may seem odd, but the secret is,

if we want to listen to the other side,

we have to learn to listen to ourselves first.

When I was sitting there with President Chavez,

what really helped me was that, just beforehand,

I had taken a few moments of quiet

to pay attention to what was going on for me.

I listened to myself to quiet my mind.

When he began shouting, I was ready.

I could notice that my cheeks were reddening,

and my jaw was a little clenched.

I felt some fear and anxiety.

By paying attention to those sensations and emotions,

I was able to let them go,

so that I could truly listen to President Chavez.

What if, before an important, delicate or sensitive conversation,

we took a moment of silence just to tune in and listen to where we are?

I believe that if we did that, if we truly listened to ourselves first,

we would find it a lot easier to listen to others.

The final question is, if we listened more,

what difference would it make in the world?

I believe it would make a huge difference.

In the course of my mediation work,

I personally witnessed the enormous cost of conflict,

the broken relationships, families, the stressed out work places,

the ruinous law suits, and the senseless wars.

What always strikes me is the biggest opportunity we have actually,

is to prevent these conflicts even before they start.

How do we do that?

It's not easy, but it almost always starts with one simple step.

Listening. This is my dream.

A listening revolution that can turn

this Age of Communication into an Age of Listening.

In other words, an age of true communication.

Imagine for a moment a world

in which every child learns to listen at an early age.

What if we taught listening in school,

like we teach reading, as a core skill?

After all, listening is how you read people.

Imagine a world in which parents learn to listen to their children.

What better way after all, is there for us to teach our children to listen to us

than for us to listen to them?

What better way for us to show our children that they truly matter?

What better way is there to show our love?

As an extra bonus,

maybe we'd see happier marriages and fewer divorces,

as couples learned to listen to each other.

Imagine a world in which leaders learned how to listen to their people.

What if we chose leaders based on their ability to listen, not just talk?

What if listening became the norm in our organizations

and not just the exception?

What if on radio and TV

we had not just talk shows, but listen shows?

(Laughter)

What if we had not just peace talks, but peace listens?

I firmly believe that we'd get to 'yes' a lot more often.

We might not eliminate all conflict,

but we would avert a lot of fights and wars.

Everybody would be much better off.

I, very happily, might be out of a job.

That's my dream.

While it may seem audacious, it's not that complicated.

Listening can be a chain reaction

in which each person who is genuinely listened to

feels naturally inspired to listen to the next.

Listening can be contagious.

I invite you to start

this chain reaction today, right here, right now.

In your next conversation with a colleague,

client, partner, or child, a friend or a stranger,

give them your full attention.

Listen to the human being behind the words.

One of the biggest gifts we can give anyone is the gift of being heard.

With the simple power of listening now,

we can transform our relationships,

our families, and our world for the better, ear by ear.

Thank you for listening.

(Applause)