Brene Brown Leaves the Audience SPEECHLESS | One Of the Best Speech EVER

Summary

In this inspiring TED Talk, the speaker, a researcher, shares her journey of vulnerability after a viral TED Talk led to harsh online criticism. She found solace and strength in a Theodore Roosevelt quote, realizing that to show up and be seen in life and work means facing challenges bravely. She advocates for embracing vulnerability, not numbing emotions, and raising children to understand their worth despite imperfections. The talk encourages authenticity, courage, and the belief in one's own enoughness to foster kindness and connection.

Takeaways

• 🎤 The speaker, a researcher, unexpectedly became very public after a TED Talk went viral, leading to widespread exposure and personal attacks online.
• 🚫 Following advice from her therapist and husband, she initially avoided reading online comments to prevent negative impacts on her mental health.
• 😔 Despite the advice, she read comments that were devastatingly personal, causing her to question her work and even consider cosmetic procedures like Botox.
• 🛋️ After a particularly distressing morning, she spent the day watching 'Downton Abbey' as an escape from the harsh reality and criticism.
• 🔍 During her escape, she researched the U.S. president during the 'Downton Abbey' era and discovered a Theodore Roosevelt quote that deeply resonated with her.
• 🗣️ The Roosevelt quote emphasized the importance of being in the 'arena', taking action and risks, and not just being a critic or pointing out others' failures.
• 💪 This quote shifted her perspective on vulnerability, inspiring her to embrace showing up and being seen, despite the potential for failure and criticism.
• 🎨 She resolved to create and contribute, accepting that to do so means facing challenges and possibly getting 'kicked' in the process.
• 🚫 She developed a philosophy of disregarding criticism from those not actively participating in their own arenas of life.
• 🌐 The speaker highlights the interconnectedness of emotions, stating that numbing vulnerability also numbs joy, gratitude, and happiness.
• 🧩 She criticizes the societal tendency to numb vulnerability through addiction, certainty in beliefs, and the pursuit of physical perfection.
• 👶 The importance of raising children to embrace their imperfections and struggles while knowing they are worthy of love and belonging is emphasized.
• 💡 The speaker calls for authenticity and accountability from corporations and leaders, rather than pretending their actions don't affect others.
• 🌟 She concludes with the belief that allowing ourselves to be deeply seen, practicing gratitude, and believing in our own worth are essential for a meaningful life.

Q & A

What was the turning point for the speaker after her TED Talk went viral?

The turning point was when she read devastating personal attacks in the comments online, which led her to a moment of introspection and eventually to a transformative realization after reading a quote by Theodore Roosevelt.

What advice did the speaker's therapist and husband give her regarding online comments?

They advised her not to read the comments online to avoid the negative impact they could have on her mental well-being.

What TV show did the speaker binge-watch after being affected by the online comments?

The speaker binge-watched 'Downton Abbey' as a form of escapism from the negativity she encountered online.

Who was the U.S. President during the era of 'Downton Abbey', according to the speaker's research?

The U.S. President during the 'Downton Abbey' era was Theodore Roosevelt.

What quote from Theodore Roosevelt had a profound impact on the speaker's life?

The quote that impacted her life was from his 'Man in the Arena' speech, emphasizing that credit belongs to the person who is actually in the arena, facing challenges and daring greatly.

How does the speaker define vulnerability and its relation to showing up and being seen?

The speaker defines vulnerability as not about winning or losing, but about showing up and being seen, embracing the reality that it involves facing challenges and potential criticism.

What personal philosophy about criticism did the speaker develop after her experience?

The speaker developed a philosophy that if someone is not also in the arena, facing their own challenges and criticisms, their feedback is not of interest to her.

How does the speaker view the relationship between vulnerability and emotions such as joy and happiness?

The speaker believes that you cannot selectively numb emotions like vulnerability, grief, or fear without also numbing positive emotions like joy, gratitude, and happiness.

What is the speaker's perspective on how we numb vulnerability in our society?

The speaker suggests that we numb vulnerability through addiction, seeking certainty in religion and politics, and by striving for physical perfection, which can lead to a dangerous cycle.

What message does the speaker have for leaders and corporations regarding authenticity and accountability?

The speaker encourages leaders and corporations to be authentic, real, and accountable, admitting when they are wrong, apologizing, and committing to fix their mistakes.

What values does the speaker believe are essential for individuals to embrace in order to live a fulfilling life?

The speaker believes that embracing values such as courage, authenticity, gratitude, and the belief that one is enough can lead to a more fulfilling and connected life.

Outlines

00:00

🎤 The Impact of Public Scrutiny and Embracing Vulnerability

The speaker, a researcher, shares her unexpected journey to public prominence following a viral TED Talk. Initially unprepared for the intense personal criticism she faced online, she found solace in avoiding the harsh comments. However, after an emotionally devastating encounter with negative feedback, she experienced a transformative moment inspired by a quote from Theodore Roosevelt. The quote, emphasizing the courage of those who dare greatly despite the risk of failure, resonated deeply with her studies on vulnerability. It led her to redefine her approach to life and work, embracing the inevitability of challenges and the importance of showing up authentically. She also developed a philosophy towards criticism, valuing feedback only from those who are actively engaged in their own struggles.

05:01

🛡️ Numbing Vulnerability and Its Consequences

The speaker delves into the concept of vulnerability, explaining how attempts to numb negative emotions inadvertently numb positive ones as well, leading to a cycle of misery and a search for meaning. She critiques modern tendencies to seek certainty in religion and politics, which has resulted in a lack of discourse and an increase in blame. The speaker also addresses the issue of numbing emotions through addiction and the impact of societal pressures on children, advocating for a generation raised with the understanding that struggle is inherent and that imperfection does not preclude love and belonging. She concludes with a call for authenticity, gratitude, and the belief in one's own worth, emphasizing the importance of these values in fostering kinder and gentler interactions with oneself and others.

Keywords

💡Vulnerability

Vulnerability in this context refers to the state of being open to attack or damage, but more deeply, it is about being open and honest about one's feelings, flaws, and uncertainties. The speaker discusses vulnerability as a core theme, emphasizing that it is not about winning or losing but about showing up and being seen. The speaker's realization of the importance of vulnerability is sparked by a quote from Theodore Roosevelt, which she relates to her own experience of facing criticism and personal attacks after her TED Talk went viral.

💡Criticism

Criticism here is portrayed as a negative force that can be deeply personal and hurtful, affecting the speaker's self-esteem and causing her to question her work and appearance. The speaker mentions reading devastating comments online that were not about her work but about her personally, which led to a period of self-doubt and retreat. However, she later adopts a new philosophy about criticism, stating that those not actively participating in their own arenas of life have no right to critique others.

💡Arena

The term 'arena' is used metaphorically to represent the space where individuals actively engage in their work, life endeavors, or personal growth. It is derived from the Theodore Roosevelt quote mentioned in the script, where it refers to the place 'in the arena' where people strive and face challenges. The speaker uses this concept to encourage embracing the struggles and imperfections that come with being in the arena, rather than avoiding them.

💡Authenticity

Authenticity is the quality of being true to one's own personality, spirit, or character, despite external pressures. The speaker advocates for authenticity in both personal and corporate settings, urging companies to be genuine and admit their mistakes rather than pretending they have no impact. Authenticity is closely tied to the speaker's message of showing up and being seen as one truly is, with all one's vulnerabilities.

💡Courage

Courage, in this video, is presented as a value and a necessary consequence of choosing to show up and be seen in one's work and life. It is the willingness to face the potential for failure and criticism while daring greatly. The speaker's personal values include courage, and she emphasizes that to be in the arena and create means accepting the risk of being criticized and possibly failing.

💡Personal Attacks

Personal attacks are negative comments aimed at an individual's personal characteristics rather than their work or ideas. The speaker describes how she was affected by such attacks after her TED Talk went viral, which led her to a moment of self-doubt and retreat. These attacks are contrasted with the idea of being in the arena, where one's work and efforts are what should be critiqued, not their personal lives.

💡Numbing

Numbing, in the context of this video, refers to the act of dulling or deaden one's emotional responses as a way to avoid feeling vulnerability, pain, or discomfort. The speaker discusses how people numb their vulnerability through various means, such as addiction or seeking certainty in uncertain times, which can lead to a dangerous cycle of avoiding emotions and ultimately leading to misery.

💡Perfection

Perfection is the state of being flawless or perfect, and in the video, it is presented as an unrealistic and harmful standard that people, especially children, are often held to. The speaker argues against the idea of striving for perfection, suggesting instead that it is more important to embrace imperfection and recognize that struggle and vulnerability are natural and valuable parts of life.

💡Struggle

Struggle is the experience of facing difficulties or obstacles. The speaker mentions that children are 'hardwired for struggle,' implying that it is a natural part of life and growth. The message is to accept and embrace struggle as an inevitable aspect of life, rather than trying to avoid it or protect oneself or others from it.

💡Values

Values are the principles or standards of behavior transmitted through culture and are used to evaluate and influence actions. The speaker discusses her personal values of faith and courage and how they guide her actions and responses. She also emphasizes the importance of living by one's values, even when it means facing vulnerability and criticism.

💡Gratitude

Gratitude is the quality of being thankful; readiness to show appreciation for and to return kindness. The speaker talks about practicing gratitude as a way to counteract the negative effects of vulnerability and criticism. By focusing on gratitude, one can find joy and purpose, even in the face of challenges and imperfections.

💡Self-worth

Self-worth refers to the intrinsic value and dignity of a person. The speaker concludes her talk by emphasizing the importance of believing in one's own worth, which allows for a more compassionate approach to oneself and others. When one operates from a place of self-worth, it fosters a more empathetic and understanding environment.

Highlights

The speaker, a researcher, unexpectedly became very public after a viral TED Talk, leading to widespread media exposure.

Despite advice to avoid online comments, the speaker was deeply affected by personal attacks that made them question their public presence.

A realization that the fear of criticism had kept the speaker from pursuing their ambitions in life and career.

An encounter with Theodore Roosevelt's 'Man in the Arena' quote that profoundly influenced the speaker's perspective on vulnerability and criticism.

The understanding that vulnerability is not about winning or losing but about showing up and being seen.

The speaker's commitment to creating and showing up in their work and life, acknowledging the inevitability of facing challenges.

A new philosophy on criticism: disregarding feedback from those not also actively participating and facing challenges.

The speaker's exploration of how people numb vulnerability and the negative consequences of this approach.

The impossibility of selectively numbing emotions, leading to a cycle of numbing both negative and positive feelings.

The societal trends of incurring debt, obesity, addiction, and medication use as potential responses to emotional numbing.

The transformation of religion and politics into realms of certainty and blame, rather than faith and discourse.

The importance of raising children with the understanding that struggle is natural and they are worthy of love and belonging.

The speaker's call for authenticity and real accountability from corporations in the face of their actions' impacts.

The idea of practicing gratitude and joy in the face of vulnerability and the fear of loving wholeheartedly.

The belief that embracing vulnerability and believing in one's own worth can lead to kinder and gentler interactions with oneself and others.

The speaker's personal values of faith and courage and their refusal to compromise these values in professional settings.

A closing thought on the importance of being deeply and vulnerably seen, and the necessity of believing in one's own sufficiency.

Transcripts

[Music]

so my story is that I am a researcher

and I never thought I would have a big

public career and so I did a TED Talk

that went very viral

and in the wake of that

I was kind of everywhere for a couple of

months on every CNN.com NPR it was

everywhere and something I wasn't used

to

marching orders from my therapist and my

husband were do not read the comments

online

so I read all the comments online

and so one morning I woke up and there

were two or three new articles out and I

started reading the comments and they

were devastating they weren't about my

work they were about me they were super

personal and they were the things

that created people play in their mind

and then give up doing what they really

want to do like if I asked every single

one of you what would you try if you

knew people would never say this about

you what would that what would this be

it would those were the comments that

morning last research more Botox

just mean personal attacks the things

that really up until that moment had

inspired me to stay very small in my

life and my career just so I could avoid

those things

so that morning Steve and the kids leave

I stay home

I get on the couch and I watch eight

hours of Downton Abbey

and when it's over I don't want to turn

off Downton Abbey because I've been

because the minute you turn off Downton

Abbey then it's like soccer practice and

dinner and back to the mean people and

maybe should I get BOTOX and maybe you

know maybe if I stand still when I talk

so I get my laptop and I do a search for

who was president in the United States

during the Downton Abbey era

so I put it in and Theodore Roosevelt

comes up and a quote comes up

and I read it and this is what it says

it's a quote from a speech that he gave

in the early 1900s that this were born

and a lot of people called and they in

the arena speech

and this is the passage that changes my

life

it's not the critic who counts it's not

the man who points out how the strong

man stumbles or where the doer of Deeds

could have done it better the credit

belongs to the person who's actually in

the arena

whose face is marred with blood and

sweat and dust who at the best in the

end knows the Triumph of high

achievement and who at worst

if he fails he fails daring greatly

so the moment that I read that I closed

my laptop and this is what shifted in me

three huge things first

I spent the last 12 years studying

vulnerability

and that quote with everything I know

about vulnerability it is not about

winning it's not about losing it's about

showing up and being seen the second

thing

this is who I want to be

I want to create I want to make things

that didn't exist before I touch them

I want to show up and be seen in my work

and in my life

and if you're going to show up and be

seen there is only one guarantee and

that is you will get your ass kicked

that's the only certainty you have if

you're going to go in the arena and

spend any time in there whatsoever

especially if you've committed to

creating in your life you will get your

ass kept so you have to decide at that

moment I think for all of us if courage

is a value that we hold this is a

consequence you can't avoid it the third

thing which really Set Me Free and I

think Steve my husband would argue has

made me somewhat dangerous

is kind of a new

philosophy about criticism which is this

if you're not in the arena also getting

your ass kicked I'm not interested in

your feedback

we numb vulnerability when we're waiting

for the call when we're trying to think

about if we're going you know it was

funny I guess Wednesday I sent something

out on Twitter on Twitter and on

Facebook that says what how would you

define vulnerability what makes you feel

vulnerable and within an hour and a half

I had 150 responses because I wanted to

know you know what's out there having to

ask my husband for help because I'm sick

and we're newly married initiating sex

with my husband initiating sex with my

wife being turned down asking someone

out waiting for the doctor to call back

getting laid off laying off people this

is the world we live in we live in a

vulnerable world and one of the ways we

deal with it is we numb vulnerability

and I think there's evidence and it's

not the only reason this evidence exists

but I think that there it's a huge cause

we are the most in debt obese addicted

and medicated adult cohort in U.S

history the problem is and I learned

this from the research that you cannot

selectively numb emotion you can't say

here's the bad stuff

here's vulnerability here's grief here's

shame here's fear here's disappointment

I don't want to feel these I'm going to

have a couple of beers and a banana nut

muffin I don't want to feel these

you can't numb those hard feelings

without numbing the other affects or

emotions you cannot selectively numb so

when we numb those we numb Joy we numb

gratitude we numb happiness and then we

are miserable and we are looking for

purpose and meaning and then we feel

vulnerable so then we have a couple of

beers and a banana nut muffin and it

becomes this dangerous cycle one of the

things that I think that we need to

think about is why and how we numb and

it doesn't just have to be addiction

the other thing we do is we make

everything that's uncertain religion has

gone from a belief in faith and mystery

to certainty I'm right you're wrong shut

up that's it just certain the more

afraid we are the more vulnerable we are

the more afraid we are this is what

politics looks like today there's no

discourse anymore there's no

conversation there's just blame you know

how blame is described in the research a

way to discharge pain and discomfort we

perfect now let me tell if there's

anyone who wants their life to look like

this it would be me but it doesn't work

because what we do is we take fat from

our butts and put it in our cheeks which

Jess I hope in 100 years people will

look back and go wow and we perfect most

dangerously our children let me tell you

what we think about let me think very

quickly about children they're hardwired

for struggle when they get here when you

hold those perfect little babies in your

hand our job is not to say look at them

look at her she's perfect my job is just

to keep her perfect make sure she makes

the tennis team by fifth grade and Yale

by seventh grade our job that's not our

job our job is to look and say you know

what you're imperfect and you're wired

for struggle but you are worthy of love

and belonging that's our job show me a

generation of kids raised like that and

we'll end the problems I think that we

see today we pretend that what we do

doesn't have an effect on people we do

that in our personal lives we do that

corporate whether it's a bailout an oil

spill

a recall we pretend like what we're

doing doesn't have a huge impact on

other people I would say to companies

this is not our first rodeo people we

just need you to be authentic and real

and say we're sorry we'll fix it but

there's another way and I'll leave you

with this this is what I have found to

let ourselves be seen deeply seen

vulnerably seen to love with our whole

hearts even though there's no guarantee

and that's really hard and I can tell

you as a parent that's excruciatingly

difficult

to practice gratitude and joy and those

moments of kind of Terror when we're

wondering can I love you this much can I

believe in this as passionately can I be

this Fierce about this just to be able

to stop and instead of catastrophizing

what might happen to say I'm just so

grateful because to feel this vulnerable

means I'm alive and the last which I

think is probably the most important

is to believe that we're enough because

when we work from a place I believe that

says I'm enough then we stop screaming

and start listening we're Kinder and

gentler to the people around us and

we're Kinder and gentler to ourselves

that's all I have talk when I do a lot

of leadership work I talk about

understanding your personal values and

my two personal values or faith and

courage and so they say don't talk about

faith it's inappropriate it's this is a

you know an organ Corporation and then a

lot I do a lot of work in churches and

they'll say don't cuss and so I just got

to the point where I'm like I've set

across from thousands and thousands of

people over the last two decades of my

life listening to the hardest things you

could imagine and the two things that

everyone has in common when they're

talking about those things are cussing

and praying if you don't want me to cuss

and you don't want me to pray

awesome ask somebody else because what

I'm not going to do is get up and

you and there are a million

people in this space who are better than

I am who know different things than I do

invite them if you need me to wear a

suit I totally get it I'm not gonna do

that I'm gonna wear jeans and boots and

probably I'll wear a nice shirt but I'm

not going to do that because I don't get

up there when I speak in public I don't

get up there you know to talk from my

Brooks Brothers self to your Brooks

brother self I get up there and when I

walk on the stage I'm going to talk

about things that 90 of the people in

the audience have never thought about

talked about and are scared to listen to

and they need to see me as a person and

I'm just that person I think the clear I

want if you invite me I want your event

or your leadership team I want it to be

successful

foreign

[Music]