How To Be More Assertive

Summary

This video offers a comprehensive guide on assertiveness, focusing on the effective use of verbal and non-verbal communication to express needs while maintaining respect. It covers the ‘free-part assertion message’—a structured approach to communicate feelings and needs, along with techniques for managing defensiveness and reflecting emotions. Key steps include preparing the message, delivering it with confidence, engaging in reflective listening, and focusing on solutions. The video also highlights how persistence, setting boundaries, and saying 'no' are integral to assertive communication, fostering healthier relationships and better conflict resolution.

Takeaways

• 😀 Preparation is key: Write your message down in advance and anticipate potential objections before delivering it.
• 😀 Be mindful of personal space: Ensure you're not intruding on the other person's personal boundaries when asserting your needs.
• 😀 Plan the delivery: Secure a private setting and avoid delivering the message in public unless trust has been built.
• 😀 Stay direct: Avoid small talk; get straight to the point when delivering your message.
• 😀 Align verbal and non-verbal cues: Maintain open body language, appropriate posture, and steady eye contact to convey your message clearly.
• 😀 Keep a calm and firm tone: Use a calm voice and downward intonation to reinforce your assertiveness.
• 😀 Utilize silence effectively: After delivering your message, remain silent to give the other person space to process and respond.
• 😀 Reflective listening: Actively listen to the other person’s response without judgment, and reflect their feelings back to them.
• 😀 Be persistent: If necessary, repeat your assertive message multiple times until the person acknowledges and addresses your needs.
• 😀 Focus on solutions: Allow the other person to propose a solution that meets your needs, ensuring they feel respected and heard.

Q & A

Why is it important to prepare and write down your message before delivering it?

Preparing and writing down your message ensures that you're clear on your needs and can deliver the message confidently. It also helps you think through potential objections and plan for a calm, assertive approach, which is critical to getting your needs met without unnecessary emotion or confusion.

How does body language play a role in assertive communication?

Body language supports the message you’re delivering. It should align with your words to reinforce assertiveness. Key aspects include standing upright, maintaining eye contact, avoiding crossed arms, and using appropriate gestures to convey confidence and openness.

Why is silence important after delivering an assertive message?

Silence gives the other person time to process the message and formulate a response. It allows them to reflect without feeling pressured, and it can reduce their defensiveness, helping the conversation stay productive and calm.

What is reflective listening and why is it crucial in assertive communication?

Reflective listening involves attentively listening to the other person and paraphrasing their words to show understanding. This helps defuse defensiveness, ensures clarity, and can reveal the true nature of the relationship. It's a key step in resolving misunderstandings and keeping the dialogue focused on the issue.

How should you respond if the other person reacts defensively or aggressively?

If the other person reacts defensively or aggressively, stay calm and reflective. Acknowledge their feelings, but don't engage in an emotional debate. Reassert your message with respect, and stay persistent if necessary, without giving in to manipulation tactics like aggression or emotional outbursts.

Why is persistence important in assertive communication?

Persistence is crucial because change often takes time. The other person might not immediately adjust their behavior, and multiple redeliveries of your message may be needed before a solution is reached. The key is to remain consistent and patient without giving up too early.

What does focusing on solutions mean in assertive communication?

Focusing on solutions means encouraging the other person to propose ways to meet your needs. By making them part of the solution, you help maintain their dignity while ensuring that your needs are addressed in a way that works for both parties.

How can you assert yourself in urgent situations where behavior needs to be stopped immediately?

In urgent situations, use a quick, clear approach: stop the action, acknowledge the person's feelings, and suggest an alternative behavior. For example, if someone is behaving aggressively, calmly address the action and offer a more constructive way to express their emotions.

What are some examples of how to say 'no' assertively?

Examples of saying 'no' assertively include: saying 'no' directly, using reflective listening followed by a 'no,' providing a rain check for future opportunities, and using the 'broken record' technique where you repeat your 'no' calmly and consistently without justifying or over-explaining.

What does the 'push-push back' phenomenon refer to in assertive communication?

The 'push-push back' phenomenon refers to the cycle where you assert your needs, the other person becomes defensive, and then you reflectively listen and reassert your message until a resolution is found. It often takes multiple rounds of this process before the other person acknowledges your needs and offers a solution.