6 Signs It's NOT Real Love, It's Hoovering

Summary

This video script delves into the manipulative practice of 'hoovering', where individuals are lured back into toxic relationships through empty promises, excessive contact, love bombing, gaslighting, and crises. It outlines six signs to recognize hoovering and encourages victims to seek support and prioritize their well-being, emphasizing that leaving such a relationship is not selfish.

Takeaways

• 😢 Hoovering is a manipulative tactic used by narcissists to draw someone back into an unhealthy relationship.
• 🤔 It's not easy to leave an unhealthy relationship due to the complexity of emotions and the manipulative strategies involved.
• 💔 Empty promises of change are a common sign of hoovering, where the abuser may not follow through on their commitments.
• 📞 Non-stop contact, including frequent and overwhelming messages, is another way a narcissist tries to maintain control.
• 🎁 Over-the-top gestures of love, such as lavish gifts and declarations, can be deceptive hoovering tactics to lure someone back.
• 🤨 Gaslighting, a form of subtle manipulation, is used by hooverers to make the victim question their reality and sense of self.
• 🆘 Hooverers may create or exploit crises to manipulate the victim into feeling responsible and returning to the relationship.
• 😐 Pretending that everything is fine and acting as if the relationship has not ended is a tactic to keep the victim close.
• 👥 It's important to confide in trusted family and friends to protect oneself from the manipulative tactics of a narcissist.
• 🚫 Going no contact and blocking the abuser's number can be a necessary step to limit their influence and regain control.
• 💡 Recognizing the signs of hoovering can aid in the healing process and help individuals avoid falling back into toxic relationships.

Q & A

What is the term 'hoovering' used to describe in the context of relationships?

Hoovering refers to the techniques used by narcissists to suck someone back into an unhealthy, toxic, and destructive relationship.

Why is it difficult for victims to leave an unhealthy relationship?

It is difficult to leave an unhealthy relationship because of the manipulative tactics used by the abuser, such as hoovering, which can make the victim feel confused, vulnerable, and emotionally trapped.

What are 'empty promises' in the context of hoovering?

Empty promises are when the person trying to hoover makes promises to change or fix the relationship but fails to follow through, leaving the victim with a whirlwind of emotions and a sense of manipulation.

How can 'non-stop contact' be a sign of hoovering?

Non-stop contact, where the narcissist frequently reaches out in an attempt to keep the victim's attention on them, can be a sign of hoovering, especially if the messages become increasingly frequent and overwhelming.

What is 'love bombing' and how is it related to hoovering?

Love bombing is an over-the-top gesture of love, including lavish gifts and declarations, used as a hoovering tactic to appease the victim and draw them back into the relationship. However, this excessive display of affection is usually not sustainable.

What does 'gaslighting' mean and how is it used in hoovering?

Gaslighting is a form of subtle manipulation designed to make the victim question their sense of reality. In hoovering, the person may use gaslighting to contradict the victim's memories and paint themselves as the victim, thereby confusing and controlling the victim.

Why might a person who is hoovering accuse the victim of being 'crazy'?

Accusing the victim of being 'crazy' is a form of gaslighting used to discredit the victim's experiences and perceptions, making them doubt their own sanity and potentially stay in the relationship out of confusion and self-doubt.

What are some examples of 'manufacturing sudden crises' as a hoovering tactic?

Examples of manufacturing sudden crises include feigning a medical or mental health crisis, the death of a pet or family member, or threats of self-harm and suicide, all designed to manipulate the victim into worrying and returning to the relationship out of guilt or concern.

What does it mean when a hoovering person 'pretends everything is fine'?

Pretending everything is fine means that the abuser continues to act as if nothing has changed, referring to the victim as their friend or significant other to others, and persistently contacting the victim in hopes that they will return, despite the relationship having ended.

What advice does the script offer for someone who feels they may be a victim of hoovering?

The script advises building a support system, keeping the abuser at bay, and taking proper measures to ensure one's safety. It also emphasizes the importance of self-care and seeking help from trusted friends, family, or professionals.

How can someone protect themselves from indirect contact attempts by a narcissist after ending a relationship?

One can protect themselves by confiding in family and friends about the end of the relationship, so they are aware and can help limit indirect contact attempts by the narcissist.

Outlines

00:00

🔒 Understanding Hoovering in Relationships

This paragraph introduces the concept of 'hoovering,' a manipulative technique used by narcissists to draw someone back into a toxic relationship. It explains that despite the victim's awareness of the relationship's unhealthy nature, leaving can be difficult due to the psychological tactics employed by the abuser. The video aims to help viewers recognize these signs early and provides support for those who have experienced such manipulation. Key signs include empty promises of change, excessive contact, and love bombing, all of which are designed to confuse and re-engage the victim.

05:00

🚫 Strategies to Combat Hoovering

The second paragraph delves into specific behaviors indicative of hoovering, such as gaslighting, where the manipulator questions the victim's reality, and creating crises to regain attention. It also addresses the tactic of pretending that the relationship has not changed, despite its end. The paragraph emphasizes the importance of establishing a support system and maintaining distance from the abuser to ensure personal safety and well-being. It concludes with a reminder of the viewer's value and an encouragement to seek help and share the information with others who might be going through similar experiences.

Keywords

💡Unhealthy Relationship

An unhealthy relationship is one where there is a lack of mutual respect, understanding, and support, often characterized by negative patterns such as manipulation, control, or abuse. In the video, this concept is central as it discusses why individuals might stay in such relationships and the phenomenon of 'hoovering' as a manipulative tactic to maintain control.

💡Hoovering

Hoovering, derived from the term for a vacuum cleaner, is used metaphorically in the context of relationships to describe the act of 'sucking someone back' into a toxic or destructive relationship. The video explains that narcissistic hoovering involves various techniques to manipulate the victim into returning to the relationship, which is a key theme of the video.

💡Empty Promises

Empty promises refer to commitments or assurances made without the intention or ability to fulfill them. In the video, it is mentioned as a hoovering tactic where the abuser promises to change or fix issues in the relationship but fails to follow through, leading to further manipulation and confusion for the victim.

💡Non-stop Contact

Non-stop contact is a behavior where an individual persistently reaches out to another, often with the intent to maintain control or influence. The script describes this as a sign of hoovering when the frequency of messages becomes overwhelming, indicating an attempt to keep the victim's attention focused on the manipulator.

💡Love Bombing

Love bombing is an intense display of affection or attention, often used as a tactic to quickly establish or re-establish a relationship. The video mentions it as a hoovering technique where the narcissist showers the victim with excessive love and gifts to lure them back into the relationship, which is unsustainable in the long term.

💡Gaslighting

Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation where a person makes someone question their own reality or memories. In the context of the video, it is used as a hoovering method where the manipulator contradicts the victim's experiences to make them doubt their own perceptions and justify poor treatment.

💡Manufactured Crises

Manufactured crises are situations created or exaggerated by a manipulator to gain attention or sympathy. The video describes how a narcissist may use real or fake crises to manipulate the victim into feeling guilty or worried, compelling them to return to the relationship out of concern.

💡Pretending Everything is Fine

Pretending everything is fine is a behavior where an abuser continues to act as if the relationship has not changed or ended, despite the reality. The script mentions this as a common hoovering behavior, where the abuser maintains the facade of normalcy to confuse and draw the victim back into the relationship.

💡No Contact

No contact is a strategy where the victim of manipulation or abuse cuts off all communication with the abuser to protect themselves. The video suggests this as the best course of action when dealing with hoovering, emphasizing the importance of limiting contact to prevent further manipulation.

💡Support System

A support system refers to a network of people, such as friends, family, or professionals, who provide emotional and practical support. The video encourages building a support system to help victims of hoovering feel secure and maintain distance from the manipulator, highlighting the importance of external support in the healing process.

Highlights

Hoovering is a technique used by narcissists to suck someone back into an unhealthy, toxic, and destructive relationship.

The video aims to differentiate between real love and hoovering, which is a means for control.

Six signs of hoovering are discussed in the video to help viewers recognize and avoid such behavior.

Empty promises to change and fix the relationship can be a sign of hoovering.

Non-stop contact and frequent messaging can indicate attempts to keep attention on the narcissist.

Over-the-top gestures of love, like love bombing, can be a dangerous hoovering tactic.

Gaslighting is a subtle manipulation technique used by hoovers to question the victim's sense of reality.

Asking close friends or family for a second perspective can help when dealing with gaslighting.

Sudden crises, real or made up, are used as a common hoovering tactic to manipulate the victim back into the relationship.

Examples of exploitative hoovering include medical or mental health crises, death of loved ones, or threats of self-harm.

It's important to contact authorities if a genuine risk to life is perceived, rather than taking responsibility for the abuser's well-being.

Pretending everything is fine and acting as if nothing has changed is another common hoovering behavior.

The abuser may still refer to the victim as their friend or significant other despite the breakup.

Ensuring one's physical and mental well-being is not selfish and is a crucial step in dealing with hoovering.

Building a support system and keeping the abuser at bay are recommended measures for victims of hoovering.

The video encourages viewers to like, share, and subscribe for more information on recognizing and dealing with hoovering.

Transcripts

- From an outside perspective it may be easy

to spot an unhealthy relationship whether it is romantic

or platonic

and you may be left wondering why the victim

of said relationship stays

or keeps coming back it may be all too easy

to blame the victim for choosing their abuser over receiving

help but it is not easy to leave

and hoovering is involved yes hoovering not hovering

what is hoovering name

for the vacuum brand narcissistic hoovering refers

to the techniques used

to suck someone back into an unhealthy toxic

and destructive relationship we made this video

to help you differentiate between real love

and hoovering which is not love

but a mean for control so

that you can recognize the signs earlier

and leave the relationship if you have already gone

through something similar we hope this video helps you see

through the facade and aids in your healing process you are

not alone here are six signs someone in your life is

hoovering empty promises hoovering can start with promises

to change for the better fix everything wrong

with a relationship your friend co-worker significant other

may promise to work harder

and save what's left of your relationship

but it can be considered hoovering when they don't live up

to their promise or forget about it altogether they have

convinced you to stay a little longer leaving you

with a whirlwind of emotions psychologist susan albers says

it can be a roller coaster for the person being hoovered

because you go from being very disappointed

to getting everything you want that promise is exciting

and then it quickly goes away it can be confusing

and leave you feeling manipulated vulnerable

and frustrated maybe even angry has someone's empty promises

made you feel this way lately tell us in the comments you'll

see you're not alone non-stop contact

to keep your attention trained on them a narcissist will

frequently reach out and try

to strike up a conversation it may be as simple

as asking about your day

but if the messages become increasingly frequent

and overwhelming that is a sign

of hoovering they purposely want themselves into your life

whether you like it or not it may be hard

but the best thing to do in this situation is

to go no contact block their number do what you have to

to limit contact between you

and them in response the narcissist may attempt

to contact you indirectly via family

and friends that is why it is important

to confide in your family

and friends regarding the end

of the relationship it may seem silly to bring this up

with family and friends but you can protect yourself

and distance yourself from the narcissist this way over the

top gestures of love love bombing

or over the top gestures

of love can also be considered a dangerous hoovering tactic

similar to the first point the narcissist

or love bomber will make promises and plans for the future

and lavish you with expensive gifts

and declarations of love this tactic is designed

to appease you back into the relationship

but please be aware

that the love bombing will not last some parts

of you may be convinced they have changed and truly love

but remember when you were a couple

or just friends did they take your concerns

to heart did they listen to you

or comfort you when you were having a bad day likely not

but think back anyway it can be easy

to be sued back into the relationship when your ex-lover

or ex-friend doesn't want 80 and changes their tune

but keep their previous behavior in mind

and ask yourself do i want this do i want back into this

relationship i'm crazy you're the one being crazy

does this sound eerily familiar a person who's hoovering

will often gaslight you in the process of trying

to win you back for those that aren't familiar

with the term gaslighting it refers

to subtle manipulation designed to question your sense

of reality the person hoovering you may contradict your

memories and paint themselves as the victim in an attempt

to convince you you deserve poor treatment if you question

your reality ask a close friend

or family member who may have witnessed your treatment at

the hands of the person in question confide in someone you

trust and see what they have to say it helps

to have a second perspective

but do not forget to have faith in yourself

and how you perceive the world if you want

to learn more about gaslighting check out our video things

you didn't know are gaslighting

but i need you unfortunately manufacturing sudden crises

are also considered a common hoovering tactic the crisis can

be real or made up for your time

and attention ultimately these crises are designed

to manipulate you back into the relationship

by making you worry

and feel guilty about leaving examples

of exploitative hoovering can include a medical

or mental health crisis the death of a friend pet

or family member or even threats of self-harm

and suicide please remember that these tactics are designed

to make you worry and suck you back in

because it would feel cruel to stay away and say no

but saying no does not make you selfish

and it does not make you a bad person their well-being is

not your responsibility but if you do feel like their life

is genuinely a risk contact the authorities immediately

and explain the situation if you're not comfortable calling

the police consider calling the suicide prevention hotline

everything is fine according to licensed marriage

and family therapist nicole arst

pretending everything is fine

or acting as if nothing has changed is another common

hoovering behavior the abuser may still refer to you

to others as their friend

or significant other despite having broken out they may text

or call you persistently hoping you will cave in

and return ints port

system

can help you

feel secure in the end despite

what the abuser tells you none of what happens

after is your fault and ensuring your physical and

- Mental well-being is not selfish.

If you feel like you may be a victim of hoovering we ask

that you take the proper measures to ensure your safety.

Build a support system and keep the abuser at bay.

If you found this video helpful, please like

and share it with someone who may also benefit

from this information.

Until next time, remember to hit that subscribe button

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Take care and remember that you matter.