The 6 faces of narcissistic hoovering

Summary

In this insightful video, Dr. Romini delves into the complex phenomenon of 'hoovering' in narcissistic relationships. She outlines six distinct faces of hoovering, from the 'my life is awful without you' to the 'I have changed' and 'self-hoover' tactics, which can lure individuals back into toxic dynamics. The video serves as a cautionary guide, highlighting the importance of recognizing these manipulative behaviors to avoid re-engagement with a narcissist and the subsequent emotional turmoil.

Takeaways

• 🔄 Hoovering is a common relapse in the healing process from narcissistic abuse, often driven by hope or weakness.
• 😔 The 'My life is awful without you' Hoover is a false confession of change, often meaning they've lost a source of emotional regulation or 'supply'.
• 🆘 The 'Please help me' Hoover uses fabricated emergencies to manipulate empathy and draw you back into the relationship.
• 🚫 The 'I have changed' Hoover is a deceptive claim, as true change is unlikely to occur in a short period and can be a trap for re-engagement.
• 💪 The 'You think you are healed and can manage them this time' Hoover can be risky, as personal growth does not guarantee the other person has changed.
• 😡 The 'You are happy and I'm going to mess it up' Hoover is a narcissist's reaction to your happiness, which they may perceive as a threat.
• 🔄 The 'Self Hoover' refers to one's own actions that may lead to re-engagement with the narcissist, such as checking their social media or accidental encounters.
• 🤔 Hoovering can be part of a cycle of trauma bonding, making it difficult to break free from the relationship entirely.
• 🚨 Beware of the shame and self-blame that can follow if you fall into the trap of self-hoovering.
• ⚠️ Recognize that hoovering is a part of the trauma-bonded cycle that can make relationships with narcissists feel like an endless recurrence.

Q & A

What is the main topic of Dr. Romini's YouTube channel video?

The main topic of the video is 'hoovering' in the context of narcissistic relationships and how it relates to the healing process after narcissistic abuse.

What does Dr. Romini suggest is a common misconception about hoovering?

Dr. Romini suggests that hoovering is often viewed as an afterthought, but it is actually a profoundly important part of understanding narcissistic relationships.

What is the 'my life is awful without you' hoover according to Dr. Romini?

The 'my life is awful without you' hoover is when a narcissist claims to be miserable without the other person, often as a way to draw them back into the relationship. It's a fantasy that the narcissist would miss the person that much, but in reality, they are missing their source of supply.

Why is the 'I have changed' hoover a false assumption according to the video?

The 'I have changed' hoover is a false assumption because the necessary amount of change for a narcissist could not have been enacted in a brief period of time, and it's unlikely that they have genuinely changed in a meaningful way.

What is the 'you think you are healed and can manage them this time' hoover and why is it risky?

This type of hoovering occurs when a person believes they are now stronger and can handle the narcissist, but the narcissist hasn't changed. It's risky because even if the person has grown, the narcissist's behavior remains the same, potentially leading to retraumatization.

What does Dr. Romini refer to as the 'self hoover' and why is it problematic?

The 'self hoover' is when a person who is not ready to let go of the narcissist might engage in behaviors like checking their social media or reaching out to them, which can lead to re-engagement with the narcissist and further emotional turmoil.

How does Dr. Romini describe the narcissist's reaction to the victim's happiness?

Dr. Romini describes the narcissist as being allergic to or disgusted by the victim's happiness, which can trigger a hoovering attempt to disrupt the victim's newfound joy.

What advice does Dr. Romini give regarding helping a narcissist who claims to be in danger?

Dr. Romini advises that if a narcissist claims to be in danger, one should not act as emergency services but rather encourage the narcissist to call 9-1-1 or contact them on their behalf if genuinely concerned.

What is the significance of the 'hoovering' cycle in the context of trauma bonds?

The 'hoovering' cycle is significant because it perpetuates the trauma bond, making it difficult for the victim to break free from the narcissistic relationship and leading to a cycle of self-blame and re-engagement.

How does Dr. Romini suggest one can avoid falling into the self hoover trap?

Dr. Romini suggests being aware of the trauma bonding and avoiding behaviors that might lead to re-engagement with the narcissist, such as checking their social media or sending texts, especially during moments of loneliness or euphoric recall.

What is the potential consequence of falling back into a relationship with a narcissist after leaving?

The potential consequence is that the person may experience further emotional distress, a continuation of the trauma-bonded cycle, and an exacerbation of self-blame, making the healing process even more challenging.

Outlines

00:00

🔮 Understanding Hoovering in Narcissistic Relationships

Dr. Romini introduces the concept of 'hoovering' as a critical aspect of narcissistic relationships. Hoovering represents the act of a narcissist drawing someone back into a relationship after a break, often through manipulation and false promises of change. The video outlines six to seven different tactics used by narcissists to 'hoover', starting with expressing how miserable they are without the person and claiming to have changed. Dr. Romini emphasizes the importance of recognizing these behaviors to avoid falling back into a harmful cycle.

05:00

🚨 Warning Signs of Hoovering Tactics

This paragraph delves deeper into the various tactics of hoovering, including the 'my life is awful without you' approach, where the narcissist pretends to be in distress to elicit sympathy. It also covers the 'please help me' tactic, where the narcissist may claim danger or need financial assistance to manipulate the person into helping them. Dr. Romini advises against falling for these ploys, as they are likely to lead to further abuse and manipulation. The paragraph also touches on the 'I have changed' tactic, warning that true change is unlikely to have occurred in a short period and can be a trap for those trying to leave a narcissistic relationship.

Keywords

💡Hoovering

Hoovering refers to the manipulative behavior exhibited by narcissists to draw someone back into a relationship after a period of separation. It is a key concept in the video as it represents the various tactics used to re-engage with a person who has left a narcissistic relationship. The script describes different 'faces' of hoovering, such as expressing how miserable the narcissist is without the person, which is a common tactic to elicit sympathy and re-engage the individual.

💡Narcissistic Abuse

Narcissistic abuse is a form of emotional and psychological abuse that occurs in relationships with individuals who have narcissistic personality disorder. In the video, the term is used to describe the harmful experiences individuals may have had in relationships with narcissists, which makes the concept of hoovering particularly relevant and dangerous for those who are trying to heal from such abuse.

💡Trauma Bonds

Trauma bonds are strong emotional ties that develop between an abused person and their abuser, making it difficult for the victim to leave the relationship. The script mentions trauma bonds as a reason why individuals might be drawn back to a narcissist, even when they understand the harm that the relationship has caused them.

💡My Life is Awful Without You Hoover

This is a specific type of hoovering tactic where the narcissist claims to be miserable without the person, often as a way to elicit sympathy and re-engage them in the relationship. The script uses this phrase to describe a common and dangerous form of hoovering that can lead individuals back into harmful relationships.

💡Please Help Me Hoover

This refers to a tactic where the narcissist pretends to be in dire straits, possibly asking for help or money, to manipulate the person into re-engaging with them. The video script mentions this as a method where the narcissist might claim to be in danger or need financial assistance, playing on the person's empathy and past connections.

💡I Have Changed Hoover

This is a hoovering tactic where the narcissist claims to have undergone personal transformation or improvement, such as attending therapy or making significant life changes. The script warns that such claims are likely to be false and a means to lure the person back into the relationship under false pretenses.

💡Self Hoover

A self hoover is when the person who has left the relationship initiates contact with the narcissist, often due to lingering trauma bonds or a desire to see if the narcissist has changed. The video script describes this as a dangerous behavior that can lead to re-engagement with the narcissist and further emotional turmoil.

💡Narcissism

Narcissism in the context of the video refers to a personality disorder characterized by an inflated sense of self-importance, a need for admiration, and a lack of empathy for others. The video discusses various aspects of narcissism, particularly in relation to how it influences the behavior of individuals in relationships and their attempts to hoover.

💡Healing Process

The healing process in the video refers to the recovery period after leaving a narcissistic relationship. It is mentioned in the context of the challenges faced by individuals who are trying to move on from the abuse and the emotional turmoil that can come with attempts to re-engage with the narcissist.

💡Narcissistic Relationships

Narcissistic relationships are those involving a person with narcissistic personality disorder, often characterized by manipulation, control, and emotional abuse. The video discusses the complexities of these relationships and how they can lead to cycles of abuse and attempts to re-engage through hoovering.

💡Euphoric Recall

Euphoric recall is a psychological phenomenon where positive memories of a past relationship are disproportionately remembered, often overshadowing the negative experiences. The script mentions euphoria recall as a factor that can lead individuals to reach back out to a narcissist, despite the harm caused by the relationship.

Highlights

Introduction to the concept of 'hoovering' in the context of narcissistic relationships.

Hoovering as a relapse in the healing process of narcissistic abuse.

The 'my life is awful without you' hoover, a common tactic used by narcissists to regain control.

The illusion of change in narcissists and the danger of believing in their transformation.

The risk of self-deception in thinking one can manage a narcissist after healing.

The 'you are happy and I'm going to mess it up' hoover, where narcissists disrupt the happiness of their former victims.

The self-hoover, where individuals may inadvertently draw themselves back into a toxic relationship.

The importance of recognizing the signs of hoovering to avoid falling back into a harmful cycle.

The role of empathy in the effectiveness of hoovering tactics used by narcissists.

The potential for financial and emotional exploitation through hoovering.

The distinction between genuine change and manipulation in the context of narcissistic behavior.

The impact of social media on the dynamics of hoovering and the potential for re-engagement.

The psychological impact of self-hoovering and the associated feelings of shame.

The potential for multiple cycles of hoovering in relationships with narcissists.

The advice against taking back a narcissist based on their claims of change without substantial evidence.

The reminder to not let the trauma bonds of a past relationship influence current decisions.

The promotion of Dr. Romini's podcast 'Navigating Narcissism' for further insights.

Transcripts

hey everyone it's dr romini welcome back

to this youtube channel on narcissism

and today we're going to talk about the

many different faces of hoovering

hoovering is something we often view as

almost like an afterthought but it's

actually a really profoundly important

part of understanding narcissistic

relationships and just as an aside

i would love to just keep reminding you

that i do have a new podcast uh called

navigating narcissism you can get more

information by going to the video notes

and you can listen to it and subscribe

anywhere you listen to your podcasts but

let's talk about hoovering

hoovering right

again it's that relapse that moment of

relapse and the healing process of

narcissistic abuse and frankly it's a

very human response to fall back in

a hope to work it through a fantasy that

somehow it can be different an attempt

to get it right

or a moment of weakness

so let's break down the six

maybe even seven faces of hoovering

number one

the my life is awful without you i was

wrong hoover

this could also be called the fantasy

hoover it's what all of us ever wanted

to hear when we were in these

relationships i was bad you are good i

don't deserve you but i want to devote

my life to loving you and making you

happy that's what we want to hear we

wanted to hear them say i'm miserable

without you i cry i'm sad i can't stop

thinking about you right that's the

fantasy that they would miss us that

much hearing that especially if it is

early enough in your healing process is

dangerous

actually i am sure their life is awful

without you in it but they don't

actually mean it in that good way

but they are going to make your life

awful again if you let them back in

and when they say their life is awful

without you they don't mean it the way

you want it to mean

in losing you they lost supply

they lost a punching bag they lost a

source of regulation that's what they

mean

do you really want that role again

number two is the please help me things

are so dire in my life hoover

if they really can't get to you you

really block them you don't respond they

double down they'll say strange things

like people are after me or i'm not safe

or i feel like i could hurt myself they

might ask for money i just need a little

money because i'm in a tough spot

something since things ended you are not

emergency services nor are you social

services if they're in danger then tell

them to call 9-1-1 or call it for them

if you're actually concerned about their

welfare

narcissists do this because they know it

works they know you have empathy you

know you once cared about this person

you may still and frankly you don't want

to live with the regret of it all you're

nice so you want to help and in the

blink of an eye by reaching out and

offering to help you may be back in the

mess and on the chain financially with

time or with mental energy if you truly

believe someone's at harm it's not your

responsibility you should really call

emergency services

number three the i have changed hoover

no they haven't so if those are the

grounds on which you are taking them

back it's a false assumption

the amount of change necessary could

never have been enacted in a brief

period of time they may tout having gone

to therapy life coaching taking

ayahuasca a trip to the moon whatever

it's easy for them to say they've

changed

all probabilities against it having

happened in a meaningful way and

especially

if you're still struggling with your

trauma bonds this is a risky

letting them back in right and then

you're going to have to waste time in

that entire cycle again and having to

get out again

number four is the the you think you are

healed and can manage them this time

hoover

you may be but they haven't changed so

let's say you are stronger and now

you're much more understanding of trauma

bonds and narcissism and all the rest

what does that look like

was the sex really that good is anyone

that attractive

is it really worth taking them back

your being stronger is great and sure

you can radically accept to the ends of

the earth but getting out was not easy

healing was not easy so when they come

rolling around and your rationale is

that i can handle it this time i won't

go deep i will radically accept okay but

then ask yourself

is that really a relationship

the number five kind of hoover is that

you are happy and i'm going to mess it

up hoover this hoover kind this kind of

hoovering is so big that it actually is

its own video that's going to come out

very soon it might even come out

tomorrow

they are allergic to your happiness

in fact i would argue they are disgusted

by your happiness so they're going to

come for it

they see your social media posts they

may talk to your friends they know

you're happy listen to that video that's

about to come out because this is a

bigger topic but it's real

number six is the self hoover

if you aren't ready to let them go it's

easy for you to go sniffing around to

look at their social media to set up

your schedule in a way that oops here we

are running into each other at the gym

at the same time or to send some text to

them yourself or heaven forbid that you

drunk text them

the trauma bonding means that these

relationships are extremely confusing

and at times of loneliness or euphoric

recall it is easy to reach back out

try not to do this

it often won't work but if your timing

is unfortunate it might

and they'll start looping back into your

life or you may get caught into a one

night or a one weekend hook up that

leaves you feeling even worse

this is also tough because people may

feel a sense of shame after doing this

and it makes the self blame worse

if this relationship you already got out

of ends up having an act 2 or an act 3

or an act 4.

hoovering is simply a part of the

trauma-bonded cycle that can make these

relationships feel

like an eternal recurrence

keep it in mind because getting sucked

back in

is not only not good for you

it takes all of those cycles around

self-blame

and makes them far far worse thanks

again