Borderline Ex Beware of the Hoover of Untreated BPD Hearing What You Want to Hear BPD is Lying

Summary

This video warns about the dangers of re-engaging with an ex-partner who has untreated Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). It highlights the manipulative nature of 'hoovering' — where an ex returns with apologies, promises, and claims of love without having done any real self-work. The video stresses that while these gestures may feel comforting, they are deceptive and will lead to repeating cycles of emotional pain and abandonment. The message encourages viewers to prioritize their own healing, recognize the toxic patterns, and avoid falling back into harmful relationships with untreated individuals.

Takeaways

• 😀 Beware of the untreated borderline who engages in hoovering—offering apologies, promises, and seemingly new awareness, but with no real therapeutic treatment or change.
• 😀 Hoovering by an untreated borderline can often come with false accusations being dropped, followed by claims of love, but this is usually manipulation rather than genuine affection.
• 😀 If an ex-borderline comes back into your life without therapy or treatment, chances are nothing has changed, and you are likely to be drawn into the same harmful cycles.
• 😀 Untreated borderlines often 'monkey branch' to another relationship, only to return when that relationship fails, presenting themselves as needing you again.
• 😀 The promises made by an untreated borderline during hoovering are typically based on their need for validation, not on genuine love or attachment.
• 😀 While you may feel tempted by the nostalgia or emotional hunger for connection, returning to an untreated borderline is likely to lead to further emotional harm and disappointment.
• 😀 In a hoovering scenario, the ex-borderline will tell you exactly what you want to hear, but this doesn't equate to what you truly need to hear for healing.
• 😀 Reentering a relationship with an untreated borderline is often a cycle of emotional abuse, with moments of idealization followed by betrayal and abandonment.
• 😀 The key question is whether you want to hear what you need to hear for your healing and recovery or whether you are drawn back into the abusive cycle by false hope.
• 😀 Untreated borderline personality disorder (BPD) and complex PTSD (CPTSD) can be confused, but remembering their past patterns is crucial to avoiding the same mistakes.
• 😀 Ultimately, it’s important to prioritize self-worth and healing over the false promises of an ex-borderline who has not pursued therapy or treatment, as they are still incapable of healthy attachment.

Q & A

What is hoovering in the context of an untreated borderline personality disorder (BPD)?

Hoovering is when an ex-partner with untreated BPD attempts to pull you back into the relationship by offering promises, apologies, and expressions of love. It is a manipulative tactic to regain control, without any real intention of change.

Why is it dangerous to believe promises from an untreated borderline ex who is hoovering?

An untreated borderline ex may promise to change or claim to have found new awareness, but without therapy or treatment, their core issues remain unresolved. Believing their promises can lead you back into the same toxic cycle of idealization, devaluation, and discard.

How can someone distinguish between what they want to hear and what they need to hear from a hoovering ex-borderline?

What you want to hear is comforting but ultimately false—like 'I love you' or 'I’ve changed.' What you need to hear is a reminder of the pain and toxicity from the past and the importance of healing and self-care, rather than returning to a destructive relationship.

What role does cognitive dissonance play in the experience of being hoovered by a borderline ex?

Cognitive dissonance creates confusion, as you may be torn between the pain of past abandonment and the desire for the comfort of the past relationship. This can make it difficult to separate the love you thought you experienced from the harmful behavior of the untreated borderline.

Why is it unlikely that an untreated borderline will change when they return after a period of absence?

Without therapy or treatment, the untreated borderline’s emotional patterns, such as instability in relationships and impulsive behavior, remain largely the same. Time alone does not heal the underlying issues of BPD, so their return is likely to repeat the same painful cycles.

What is the significance of the 'idealization phase' in a borderline relationship, and how does it relate to hoovering?

In the idealization phase, a borderline partner mirrors your desires and needs, making you feel seen and understood. This phase is often followed by devaluation and abandonment. Hoovering is an attempt to recapture that initial idealization by offering you what you want to hear, but without real change.

Why do untreated borderlines often 'monkey branch' to other relationships, and how does this affect their hoovering behavior?

Untreated borderlines may quickly move from one relationship to another, seeking validation and stability. When these relationships fall apart, they return to former partners, like you, as a way to regain a sense of identity or control, even though they have not resolved their emotional issues.

How can someone resist the temptation of returning to a relationship with an untreated borderline ex?

To resist hoovering, it's important to focus on the emotional harm the relationship caused in the past, to remember the cycle of abuse, and to prioritize your own healing over the temporary emotional gratification of re-entering the relationship.

Why is it crucial to seek therapy or professional support when recovering from a relationship with someone with untreated BPD?

Therapy can help you heal from the trauma of a borderline relationship, address codependency issues, and regain emotional stability. It provides you with tools to recognize unhealthy patterns, set boundaries, and make healthier relationship choices in the future.

What are some common signs that someone is being hoovered by an untreated borderline ex?

Signs of hoovering include the ex making emotional appeals, apologizing profusely, promising to change, expressing love, and trying to manipulate your feelings of guilt or longing. However, these behaviors are often superficial and will not lead to long-term change without professional treatment.