how i came out as trans to unsupportive parents

Summary

The video shares a personal story about coming out as trans to unsupportive parents, focusing on self-care and well-being. The speaker emphasizes the importance of a strong support network, preparing for the worst, and prioritizing personal happiness and safety. They detail their own experiences with religious Muslim parents, highlighting the challenges and complexities of their reactions. The speaker underscores the need for mutual respect, patience, and the reality that acceptance might never come. The video aims to offer realistic advice and encouragement to others in similar situations.

Takeaways

• 🌟 Coming out can be challenging, especially when you know your family will be unsupportive.
• 🤝 It's crucial to have a strong support network of friends and a safe space before coming out.
• 🏡 Some people wait until they are independent and away from home before making significant changes.
• 💔 Expect the worst, hope for the best, but be prepared for a negative reaction.
• 🙏 Even religious parents can sometimes come around, but it's not guaranteed.
• 💪 Prioritize your own well-being and survival over seeking acceptance from unsupportive family members.
• 👪 Cultural and religious beliefs can make acceptance more complicated for some families.
• 🗣️ Keep communication open and honest with your supportive family members, even if it's challenging.
• 💼 Financial independence can provide the means to transition safely and securely.
• ⏳ Give your family time to process and come to terms with your identity, but don't rely on their acceptance for your happiness.

Q & A

What is a common piece of advice given to people about to come out as trans to their parents?

A common piece of advice is to have conversations about trans topics or any kind of LGBT topic with their parents first to test the waters and see how they feel about it.

How did the speaker prepare for the possibility of a negative reaction from their parents when coming out?

The speaker prepared by ensuring they had a strong support network of friends who could offer emotional support and shelter if needed. They also waited until they were financially independent and away from home.

Why did the speaker decide to wait until after turning 18 to actively pursue medical transition?

The speaker waited because physical changes from medical transition are hard to hide, and they wanted to be away from home to avoid immediate confrontation and ensure their safety.

How did the speaker's parents' religious beliefs affect their reaction to the speaker's coming out as trans?

The speaker's parents, being strict Muslims, were particularly unaccepting. The mother, who is very fundamentalist, had a very negative reaction, while the father, though also religious, was somewhat more tolerant but still unaccepting.

What strategy did the speaker use when discussing their gender identity with their parents?

The speaker initially tried to discuss their feelings with their father, who was somewhat more open-minded. When talking to their mother, the speaker framed their feelings within a religious context to try and find common ground, but this was unsuccessful.

How did the speaker manage to start their medical transition despite their parents' disapproval?

The speaker started their medical transition without informing their parents, relying on financial independence from a student loan and support from friends, and only told their father after some irreversible changes had already occurred.

How does the speaker describe their relationship with their parents now?

The speaker's relationship with their father is strained but ongoing, while their mother has not spoken to them in two years and pretends they do not exist, despite still performing some basic caregiving duties.

What does the speaker identify as a key factor in handling unsupportive parents when coming out as trans?

The speaker emphasizes the importance of prioritizing one's own safety and well-being, having a strong support network, and being prepared for the worst-case scenario.

What does the speaker believe about the role of religion in their parents' lack of acceptance?

The speaker believes that while religion can play a role, it ultimately comes down to personal choice. Many religious people can and do accept LGBT individuals, indicating that acceptance is possible regardless of religious beliefs.

What advice does the speaker give to other trans individuals with potentially unsupportive parents?

The speaker advises exercising caution, prioritizing personal safety, having a strong support network, and being prepared for negative reactions. They also stress that it is not the fault of the trans individual for being who they are.

Outlines

00:00

🗣️ Navigating Family Reactions When Coming Out as Trans

The speaker discusses the challenge of telling their family about being transgender, particularly when they expect an unsupportive response. They emphasize the importance of prioritizing self-care and preparing for negative reactions, noting that while some parents might eventually come around, it's crucial to protect oneself emotionally and physically in the meantime.

05:02

💬 Initial Conversations with Unsupportive Parents

The speaker recounts their experiences trying to discuss their gender identity with their parents. They highlight their father's passive resistance and their mother's harsh rejection, illustrating the difficulties faced when parents hold strong opposing beliefs. Despite this, the speaker emphasizes the necessity of continuing the transition process for their own well-being, often acting independently of their parents' knowledge or support.

10:03

👨‍👩‍👦 Coping with Parental Rejection and Finding Independence

After moving to university, the speaker's relationship with their parents remains strained. They recount a significant argument with their father and the ensuing temporary separation. The speaker reflects on the broader cultural and religious context, noting that individual attitudes within the Muslim community can vary widely. They stress the personal importance of transitioning, regardless of familial acceptance, and describe their journey toward self-sufficiency and personal happiness.

15:05

🏡 The Complex Dynamics of Family Acceptance

The speaker shares their experiences with medical transitioning without parental consent, choosing to inform their father only after significant changes had occurred. Despite the father's continued misgendering, the speaker sees gradual improvements in his ability to interact normally. In contrast, the relationship with their mother remains distant, marked by non-communication and passive caretaking. The speaker concludes by highlighting the necessity of focusing on their own happiness and well-being, giving their parents time to process and hopefully accept their identity.

💡 Realistic Expectations and Self-Prioritization

The speaker advises others in similar situations to prioritize their safety and well-being over seeking parental approval. They caution against rushing into conversations without a support network and emphasize the importance of preparing for potentially permanent familial rejection. By sharing their personal story, the speaker aims to provide realistic guidance and reassurance to others navigating the complex and often painful process of coming out to unsupportive families.

Keywords

💡Coming Out

The process of revealing one's transgender identity to family or friends. In the video, the speaker discusses the challenges of coming out to unsupportive parents, emphasizing the importance of self-care and having a support network.

💡Support Network

A group of friends or allies who provide emotional and practical support during difficult times. The speaker highlights the necessity of having a strong support network when coming out to unsupportive parents, as it offers a safety net in case of negative reactions.

💡Medical Transition

The process of undergoing medical procedures such as hormone therapy or surgeries to align one's physical appearance with their gender identity. The speaker talks about starting testosterone and how this was a crucial part of their transition, despite the lack of parental support.

💡Unsupportive Parents

Parents who do not accept or support their child's transgender identity. The speaker describes their parents' negative reactions, particularly their mother's fundamentalist views and their father's reluctance to assist with gender identity clinic referrals.

💡Self-Care

The practice of taking action to preserve or improve one's own health and well-being. The speaker stresses the importance of self-care when dealing with unsupportive family members, including preparing for the worst while hoping for the best.

💡Religious Beliefs

Deeply held spiritual convictions that can influence attitudes towards LGBTQ+ individuals. The speaker's parents' strict Muslim beliefs significantly impacted their reactions to the speaker's gender identity, illustrating the complex interplay between religion and acceptance.

💡Safety and Well-being

The state of being protected from harm and in good health. The speaker emphasizes prioritizing personal safety and well-being over seeking acceptance from unsupportive parents, suggesting not to rush into coming out without adequate support.

💡Identity

A person's self-conception and expression, particularly in terms of gender. The speaker discusses their journey of embracing their transgender identity despite societal and familial challenges, highlighting the internal conflict and eventual self-acceptance.

💡Resilience

The capacity to recover quickly from difficulties. The speaker's narrative demonstrates resilience in the face of parental rejection and societal pressures, showing how they maintained their mental health and continued with their transition.

💡Acceptance

The action of consenting to receive or undertake something offered. In the video, the speaker touches on the hope for eventual acceptance from their parents while acknowledging that it may never come, focusing instead on their own journey and happiness.

Highlights

Addressing the challenge of coming out to unsupportive families.

Emphasizing self-care and prioritizing one's well-being in the face of potential rejection.

Discussing the importance of having a strong support network before coming out.

Explaining the necessity of waiting until financial independence before transitioning.

Describing the religious background of the speaker's family and its impact on their reaction.

Detailing the initial negative reactions from both parents, especially the mother.

Highlighting the strategy of presenting one's feelings in a religious context to gain understanding.

The speaker's decision to start transitioning in secret due to lack of parental support.

The positive role of a supportive neighbor during a difficult period.

The speaker's father eventually helping with university move-in despite initial conflicts.

Noting the contrast in reactions between friends and extended family versus parents.

The ongoing challenge of the mother's complete refusal to acknowledge the speaker.

Observing that many religious parents eventually show some level of care or conflict.

Encouraging realistic expectations about the likelihood of parental acceptance.

Emphasizing the importance of self-sufficiency and not relying on parental acceptance for happiness.

Transcripts

hi i wanted to talk a bit about what it

was like

telling my family that i was trans i

think you find a lot of videos where

it's

how to come out to your family how to

tell your parents how to explain it to

them how to have those difficult

conversations and while a lot of them

are really great it doesn't always

address

how to handle it when you know for sure

that they're going to be unsupportive

right off the bat and that there's a

possibility that actually they might

never come around how do you take care

of yourself and prioritize your own

well-being

when you're so worried about how other

people are going to react when you know

the reaction is going to be negative

obviously one of the key pieces of

advice when it's how do i come out to my

parents in general maybe you don't

necessarily know if they're going to be

supportive or not yet

it'll be things like have conversations

with them about trans topics first or

whether it's any kind of lgbt topic

and just test the waters and see how

they feel about it and if the response

is

neutral or generally positive then

there's a good chance they'll come

around to it when you tell them what you

are it had been made pretty clear to me

from a young age that being any form of

gay or trans or anything like that

was not an accepted thing in my

household sometimes even religious

parents can

end up surprising their kids by just

taking a while to come around

to it i've definitely known religious

trans people who

uh received a negative response at first

but then after a while their parents

came around to it because at the end of

the day they love their child and that's

what i find a lot of people

telling me especially before i ended up

telling my parents

oh you know at the end of the day they

love you they'll definitely come around

how can they not and you want to think

like that and you want to be optimistic

but at the same time there is a point to

which

you have to think about the negative

consequences of it

in order to protect yourself against

what could happen so my approach to it

was very much

expect the worst hope for the best but

definitely

prepare for the worst i wasn't ever

going to tell them unless i had

a very strong support network of friends

who i could go to talk to who i could

you know

could lend me a shoulder to cry on uh

even friends who could offer me

shelter if i needed it for a while a

place to stay um

and i also wasn't going to do it

anywhere near under the age of 18 and i

definitely wasn't going to plan on

actively following any

form of medical transition under the age

of 18

because obviously with the physical

changes that there's not much way to

hide that

so i needed to be away from home as well

what i'm going to talk about with how i

ended up transitioning

even with unaccepting parents i'm not

going to necessarily recommend

what i did to anybody else because it

can put you in an unsafe position

but i reiterate that the reason why i

did it was because i had such a strong

support network to fall back on

if anything went wrong i was away from

home i had student loan to keep me going

i used university essentially as a means

to escape

do whatever i needed to do and then just

face the consequences

uh and face the music um after all of

that was said and done so both of my

parents are very strict muslims

they pretty much follow the quran by the

book by the word

and all of the surrounding texts and

surahs and all of that my mom is a lot

more strict than my dad she's very very

fundamentalist and i think my dad takes

a bit more of a like

yes i have those beliefs but at the end

of the day people are people i respect

most people whatever he has that sort of

like

my beliefs and my beliefs but i don't

want anybody to get hurt over them

kind of attitude my mom is not the same

she would like to see everybody who

disagrees with her

actively get her and i can safely say

now having operated in many muslim

communities

even though i'm not one myself and

haven't been since i was like 11.

um the vast majority of muslims are very

much not like that

my mom is an outlier and should not be

counted uh unfortunate as it is

she just happened to end up being my mum

and happen to end up with a trans son

funny how that happens but obviously i

was going to tell my dad first

and not my mom both of them had made it

clear that they were pretty homophobic

so i never told them about any of the

sexuality stuff i was dealing with but

when it came to gender identity it's one

of those things where

because you i knew i was gonna go

through a medical transition at some

point

i couldn't really just pretend it wasn't

happening i had to at least say

this is something i'm thinking about

this is something i'm feeling and i

would like your support so i think

around 15 i told my dad um that

i was you know not comfortable with

myself and that i really wanted to

transition and how i felt etc

and he wasn't surprised because i've

always been very boyish but

he obviously was upset about it i think

he was really really hoping that it

wasn't going to be the case and then

lo and behold of course it is i kept

asking him to help me out with

gender identity clinic referrals and he

would never do it he i think he just

wanted to keep me at bay

and wait for me to change my mind

because i think if he knew he actively

said no

he was just going to upset me and make

me really not like him whenever he said

it

um so he was just like you know i'll do

i'll do i'll sort out

trying to put up that almost front of

supportiveness really but he would never

do it so i put in that referral myself

because i knew my dad wasn't going to do

it because he wasn't really supportive

every now and then i would keep trying

to bring up the topic but every time i

did it it would really upset my dad

so obviously again if you keep on

acting like this is such a burden for

you eventually i'm just going to start

doing things behind your back

and not telling you about it i tried to

bring it up to my mum maybe twice

as well the first time it was a really

really horrible reaction she

accused me of being possessed by satan

and screamed at me and shouted at me and

called me all sorts of names

which was not fun but told me okay well

at least i got my reaction and at least

she knows now

so it was either going to come from my

dad or come from me so you know

get that part of it over with um maybe a

year later i try and bring it up again

and i but i try to do it slightly even

though i'm not actually religious

i still had to pretend to be with my

parents and i tried to

bring it up from the perspective of like

you know i'm really devoted to allah but

like i'm still having these feelings

and like what do i do about that you

know what if these feelings never go

away

and she's just like oh you know you

should just keep praying and eventually

they will

and even if they don't you want to go to

heaven right and you're not gonna get

into heaven if you do that so

just uh suppress it for the rest of your

life and i was like okay cool

so obviously what am i gonna do i'm

gonna go and do it behind her back

it seems duplicitous and it kind of is

but i wouldn't be alive right now if i

hadn't done it that's the honest truth

so if the price to pay for me

staying alive and just general generally

being happy now than i ever have been

before

is that i have to lie to my parents a

bit um then i'm quite willing to

to pay that price because it's not like

they've ever been all that accepting of

who i am

so i don't see why i should tolerate

their um

just unfair and not very nice beliefs

about a month before

i'm going to leave for university me and

my dad get into

a huge fight because i tried to leave

the house wearing

shorts not like short shorts like men's

shorts that go

like below the knee um but you know i

i'm arab i had very hairy legs even

before testosterone

he wasn't happy about it we had a big

fight he was like if you're gonna do

that then get out of my house and so i

did i'm really

lucky and thankful to have a super super

accepting neighbor

um lovely old lady who's you know known

my

family since before i was born and um

i was able to tell her everything that

was going on and so

i just popped over to hers and pretty

much stayed at hers

for most of that month just waiting for

things to kind of blow over a bit until

i would eventually

go to uni which my dad did take me down

to and help me move into and all of that

the thing i think especially with like

brown parents in general is they'll kind

of treat

all of this stuff like if we put if we

don't talk about it if we pretend it's

not there

it'll go away so a month of me not

talking uh

to my family about it was enough again

for

things to blow over and for my dad to

just take me to uni as if nothing

happened

i think obviously part of not wanting to

embrace

any kind of change and pretend that it's

not there is of course the belief side

of it

but honestly for parents i think the

even bigger side of it

is just not wanting to see those little

expectations that they had been hoping

for for 18 years

grow into something that you know they

didn't want they didn't see

for their daughter at the time because i

knew loads and loads of muslims who were

accepting of my identity usually the

ones my age but we were even friends

with muslim families

who the parents knew what was going on

with me and they were still accepting

and a couple of them even

called me by my preferred name because

they had that detachment it wasn't quite

so personal for them they were able

even if on a belief basis maybe they

didn't agree with it at the end of the

day they were kind of able to just go

yeah what skin is it off my back to just

call him isaac what's the problem but

obviously it's much more personal for my

parents i think that's something worth

noting i don't think religion is

necessarily the obstacle and that you

can absolutely be religious and be lgbt

you can absolutely be religious and

accept other lgbt people because at the

end of the day

faith is something that you choose to

have

you choose to be accepting of somebody

or you choose not to

and even if you make that conscious

choice to not be accepting of other lgbt

people it doesn't impede you

being able to just respect and tolerate

and live amongst other people

like we would do for you i'm definitely

not going to tell my parents to start

believing anything any different

just as i would want them to not tell me

to pretend to be somebody that i'm not

we have to work on a basis of mutual

respect

so i kind of just wish i had that from

them but anyways moving on to

how i um did end up medically

transitioning

i went on testosterone without telling

either of my parents that i was going to

do it

not something i would recommend doing

but definitely something that again

i was in a good position to do

financially with student loan

and just now moving to london being away

from my parents

um and having a good enough support

network to fall back on

if they cut me off fully i specifically

waited until my voice had already

dropped and i'd already gone through

quite a few irreversible changes so

maybe i was like five or six months down

the line i think

to tell my dad because i didn't want him

to a

think that there was still time to go

back that he could still do something

that he could still

i don't know move me back to the home

town and take me off of hormones or

whatever

i wanted him to know no this was it and

i want him to see that i'd gone through

the irreversible changes and

actually i'm still the same person and

i'm very very happy

i wanted him to see the boost in

confidence that i'd had i wanted him to

see that i was still treating him with

respect

i was still a nice person i was still

very much sane well as you know same as

i usually am i wanted him to see

all of that um after the fact because

then he just had to accept it for what

it was and then face it i went to my

hometown one holiday

i met up with him for coffee he heard my

voice he was like

what happened i was like let's go and

get coffee and i'll explain everything

and uh he was very upset about it of

course he was he was pretty distraught

but you know we still spent the day

together we still talked and we

i tried to make it as normal as possible

we would just you know talk about uni

talk about whatever's going on i could

see that he was

shaken up but i think also just talking

to me

normally um was also helping in a way

and i could kind of see that he was

going to be able to

not accept it but get used to it and to

this day he still doesn't call me the

right name he still doesn't call me the

right pronouns but at this point that's

more embarrassing for him than it is for

me

uh especially when it's in front of

other people they're like what is this

old man mixing up his words for as for

my mum it's a lot more difficult but

it's also exactly what i was expecting

i haven't spoken to her in uh like maybe

two

years now and every time i go back home

to see my dad my mom just doesn't talk

to me she doesn't look at me she

pretends i'm not there

if she has anything to say to me she

will do it through my sister or my dad

which is funny because she'll still

make food and like for me and feed me

and when i'm there and all of that

um but she won't talk to me or

acknowledge my existence and i

again wonder if that's just that

religious duty thing although a mother

has to take care of her child

um she'll go to hell if she doesn't do

it blah blah blah blah i wonder if it's

all

something that is she she is doing to

save her own behind

or um if it is also that she does still

care well no i think she does still care

about me is the thing i don't want to

treat this like therapy this is just not

this is not just me venting i want this

to have a purpose

but what i'm trying to get across here

is that sometimes when it seems like

it's going to be they're going to cut me

off forever and i'm never going to have

any contact with them it might end up

being more complicated than that

because especially if you have religious

parents as much as those parents will

try to be

all consumed by their religion

especially if they're very

fundamentalist

they're still people they still love

they still feel

unless they have managed to somehow

totally separate themselves from their

emotions which is possible

and unfortunate but most of them won't

have done that and most of them will

still have that

internal conflict of at the end of the

day wanting to accept you

wanting to provide for you and from my

perspective i guess i just want to give

them time to

navigate that uh and focus on myself in

the meantime

all of this was about me prioritizing my

own happiness

my own well-being my own just need to

survive and be who i am because i

couldn't live any other way i can't give

any advice related to extended family

because i've never met them they're all

in egypt i don't actually know who

most of them are never spoken to most of

them i don't even know who

if any of them actually know what's

going on with me i think i have one

uncle that knows and sent a supportive

message which was actually really nice

and very surprising because again

a muslim person living in egypt um who i

haven't even met

but again it kind of speaks to the fact

that he has that separation and it isn't

quite so personal for him so again i'm

sure it's um

easier for him to accept the idea of me

transitioning than it is for my parents

i think at the end of the day with these

things when it's coming out to

people who you know aren't going to be

supportive the thing that you have to

keep in mind

is that it's not your fault and it's not

a fault at all that you turned out this

way

um you can't choose to not be trans but

they can definitely choose

to be accepting of who you are um

so really the burden is on them and

again not really a burden

but it's on them to be accepting of you

not to change not you to change anything

about yourself

because that is not something that

you're physically able to do you can't

suppress yourself because it's just

going to damage you

over time and that's really not worth it

for people who are not going to be

accepting of you

really that's that's not worth it

they're not worth it i love my dad

and i even love my mom as much as she

hasn't looked at me in two years i'm

willing to give them the time to think

about it and to come around

however long that might be but i'm not

begging for their acceptance and i'm not

begging

for anything from them really i'm trying

to be as self-sufficient as possible now

and just keep proving in my own way to

them that i'm happier than i've ever

been

this was a good choice for me i'm just

living my life having a good time having

a blast and if they want to come along

and see the process join in have a good

time with me

they're absolutely always welcome to the

invitation is open

but i'm not begging for them to come

along because they didn't want to join

in the first place but anyways it's not

supposed to be like

a motivational pep talk public speaking

moment

it's more just like you have to look at

the situation

realistically i don't want to sit here

and tell you like no

they'll come around everything will be

fine because

realistically that might not be the case

but there is definitely a way to deal

with it and process it

and take care of yourself while still

acknowledging yeah they're probably not

going to be accepting

it can be fine i'm not going to say will

it can be fine

you just have to prepare for it and

hopefully put yourself in a position

where you will be able to handle it

when it comes around and don't rush into

it before you have that support network

in place please because then you just

put yourself

in a really really vulnerable position

and then that might not

be worth it so i'm just emphasizing that

to say this is not me telling you like

tell your parents it'll be fine

eventually um

it's me saying exercise caution

prioritize your safety and take care of

yourself i could have sat here and made

this video about specifically about

scripture and

how you can convince them that actually

being trans is okay

honestly that's not something i really

have time for

i don't want to sit around trying to

convince people that yeah everything's

going to be fine because if they were

going to come around in that sense then

they'll probably

be willing to find that information for

themselves and try and reconcile the two

things

for themselves um but people who cling

on to religion specifically as a reason

not to accept lgbt people are usually

not going to go through that process in

the first place and if you try to

confront them with that information

they're probably not going to listen i

tried to do it a couple times with them

as just not something that was going to

work i had to go at it from a

perspective of

well if there are no trans people in

your life who you can see as an example

of somebody who is just

living doing their thing and being happy

then i guess i will just have to become

that for you

and you can deal with it however you

want to deal with it i'm just doing my

own thing

i'm sorry if that was quite rambly i

didn't really write script or notes

for that i just wanted to kind of get

out what happened how i felt about it

and how it might

help you maybe i hope it might be

helpful i know it's kind of a touchy

subject

but i think with touchy subjects it's

always good to have

more input and views and opinions and

experiences

out there in the world for people to

think about i guess

so there's that but anyways i will wrap

it up there

and talk to you soon when i do six month

top surgery update video i'll do that at

some point