The gift and power of emotional courage | Susan David

Summary

In this powerful talk, the speaker from South Africa explores the concept of 'sawubona' and its deeper meaning of acknowledging one's existence. She delves into the importance of emotional agility over rigid emotional responses, sharing her personal journey of grief and how writing authentically about her feelings revolutionized her approach to life. The speaker challenges the tyranny of positivity, advocating for the acceptance and understanding of all emotions as a path to resilience and a meaningful life.

Takeaways

• 🌟 'Sawubona', a Zulu greeting, embodies the powerful message of acknowledging one's existence and presence.
• 🧘 The speaker emphasizes the importance of emotional agility over rigid views of emotions as merely 'good' or 'bad' for resilience and thriving.
• 🏠 Growing up in apartheid South Africa, the speaker's personal experiences with denial and grief shaped her understanding of emotional agility.
• 📚 An eighth-grade English teacher's advice to 'write what you're feeling' catalyzed a transformative journey towards emotional authenticity.
• 🌱 Emotional agility involves moving beyond denial and embracing a full spectrum of emotions as a means of personal growth.
• 🌍 The World Health Organization states that depression is the leading cause of disability globally, highlighting the urgency of addressing emotional health.
• 🔒 The speaker criticizes the 'tyranny of positivity', where normal emotions are judged and suppressed, leading to emotional amplification and control.
• 💬 Accurate labeling of emotions is crucial for understanding their causes and taking appropriate action, as emotions are data, not directives.
• 📈 Emotional agility in the workplace is linked to individualized consideration, fostering engagement, creativity, and innovation.
• 👪 The speaker advocates for a culture that values emotional diversity, including the acceptance of difficult emotions, as a foundation for resilience.
• 🚀 Embracing emotional agility means being curious and compassionate about one's emotions, taking courageous, values-aligned steps in response.

Q & A

What is the meaning of 'sawubona' in Zulu culture?

In Zulu culture, 'sawubona' means 'hello' and carries a deeper meaning of acknowledging someone's presence by saying 'I see you, and by seeing you, I bring you into being.'

Why is the conventional view of emotions as good or bad considered rigid and problematic?

The conventional view is rigid because it doesn't allow for the complexity and fluidity of emotions, which can be harmful in a complex world. This rigidity can lead to a lack of emotional agility, which is essential for true resilience and thriving.

What personal experience from the speaker's life highlighted the destructive power of denial?

The speaker's experience with her father's death and her subsequent denial and struggle with grief highlighted the destructive power of denial, both on a personal and societal level.

How did the speaker's eighth-grade English teacher help her deal with her grief?

The teacher encouraged the speaker to write down her feelings in a blank notebook, inviting her to authentically express her grief and pain, which was a revolutionary act for her emotional well-being.

What is the term used by the speaker to describe the ability to navigate emotions beyond rigidity?

The speaker uses the term 'emotional agility' to describe the ability to navigate emotions with flexibility and authenticity.

What is the World Health Organization's current stance on depression as a global health issue?

According to the speaker, the World Health Organization states that depression is now the leading cause of disability globally, surpassing cancer and heart disease.

Why is the tendency to lock down into rigid responses to emotions problematic in the face of change?

Rigid responses to emotions, such as brooding, bottling, or false positivity, prevent individuals from adapting to change and dealing with the world as it is, rather than as they wish it to be.

What is the term used to describe the amplification of emotions when they are ignored or suppressed?

Psychologists refer to this phenomenon as 'amplification,' where ignored or suppressed emotions become stronger and more controlling.

How does the speaker define 'emotional agility' in terms of dealing with emotions?

Emotional agility is defined as the ability to be with your emotions with curiosity, compassion, and the courage to take values-connected steps, rather than being controlled by them.

What is the importance of accurately labeling emotions according to the speaker's research?

Accurately labeling emotions is important because it helps discern the precise cause of feelings, activates the brain's readiness potential, and allows for taking concrete and values-aligned actions.

How does the speaker suggest we should approach strong, tough emotions in practice?

The speaker suggests that instead of avoiding strong emotions, we should learn their contours, write them down, and notice them without identifying with them, using phrases like 'I'm noticing that I'm feeling...'.

Outlines

00:00

🌟 Embracing Emotional Agility

The speaker introduces the concept of 'sawubona', a Zulu greeting implying recognition and presence, and uses it as a metaphor for emotional acknowledgment. They discuss the importance of emotional agility in navigating life's complexities and the limitations of viewing emotions as strictly positive or negative. The speaker's personal journey, beginning with their upbringing in apartheid-era South Africa and their experience of grief, is shared to illustrate the transformative power of confronting and expressing emotions authentically.

05:01

🌪 The Tyranny of Positivity

This paragraph delves into the societal pressure to maintain positivity and the detrimental effects of denying or suppressing natural emotions. The speaker highlights the global rise in depression and criticizes the rigid responses people have to their emotions, such as obsessing over feelings or repressing them. The speaker's research reveals that many people judge themselves for having 'bad emotions' or actively try to avoid them, which can be harmful. The paragraph emphasizes the importance of recognizing and accepting all emotions as part of life's experience.

10:05

📈 The Path to Emotional Agility

The speaker outlines steps towards achieving emotional agility, starting with the radical acceptance of all emotions as a foundation for resilience and happiness. They stress the importance of accurately labeling emotions to understand their causes and to guide actions that align with personal values. Emotions are framed as data that can inform decisions, rather than directives that control behavior. The speaker encourages embracing emotions as a source of insight and as a tool for personal growth, both in personal life and in professional settings.

15:08

🌱 Courage in the Face of Fragility

In the final paragraph, the speaker reflects on the inevitability of life's fragility and the importance of courage in facing it. They recount a childhood memory of their father's honest discussions about death, which taught them that courage involves moving through fear. The speaker concludes by emphasizing the value of a lifelong dialogue with oneself, leading to a deep understanding of one's emotions and the ability to live authentically and resiliently in a complex world.

Keywords

💡Sawubona

Sawubona is a Zulu word meaning 'hello' in English. It embodies a profound cultural intention, as it literally translates to 'I see you, and by seeing you, I bring you into being.' This greeting is used to illustrate the power of recognition and presence. In the video, it is presented as a metaphor for the importance of truly seeing and acknowledging oneself and others, which is central to the theme of emotional agility and self-awareness.

💡Emotional Agility

Emotional agility refers to the ability to navigate one's emotions with flexibility and resilience. It is the capacity to experience a full range of emotions without being rigidly attached to them. The speaker emphasizes the importance of emotional agility for thriving in a complex world, as it allows individuals to adapt and respond effectively to life's challenges. The concept is central to the video's message, advocating for a more nuanced understanding of emotions beyond the binary of good or bad.

💡Denial

Denial, in the context of the video, is the refusal to accept or acknowledge a reality, often leading to destructive consequences. The speaker shares personal experiences and historical examples from apartheid South Africa to illustrate how denial can be a societal and personal barrier to growth and healing. Denial is presented as the opposite of emotional agility, as it prevents individuals from confronting and processing their emotions authentically.

💡Authenticity

Authenticity is the state of being true to one's own personality, spirit, or character without attempting to conform to outside expectations. The video uses the act of writing in a blank notebook as a metaphor for expressing authentic emotions and thoughts. It is highlighted as a critical component of emotional agility, as it allows individuals to confront their inner experiences without the facade of rigid societal norms or expectations.

💡Rigidity

Rigidity, in the context of the video, refers to an inflexible or unyielding approach to dealing with emotions, which is portrayed as detrimental in the face of life's complexities. The speaker argues against the conventional view of categorizing emotions as simply good or bad and instead promotes emotional agility as a more adaptive response. Rigidity is presented as a barrier to personal growth and societal progress.

💡Emotional Suppression

Emotional suppression is the act of repressing or ignoring one's emotions, which the video suggests can lead to amplification, where the ignored emotions become stronger and more controlling. The speaker cites research to argue against this practice, stating that it is unsustainable and harmful. Emotional suppression is contrasted with the video's advocacy for emotional agility and acceptance.

💡Resilience

Resilience is the capacity to recover quickly from difficulties or to withstand adversity. The video connects resilience with emotional agility, suggesting that the ability to navigate emotions effectively is key to true resilience. The speaker argues that traditional views of positivity can undermine resilience by failing to acknowledge and process difficult emotions, which are essential for developing the skills to cope with life's challenges.

💡Positivity

Positivity, as discussed in the video, is the tendency to focus on the good aspects of life and to maintain a cheerful disposition. However, the speaker critiques a 'tyranny of positivity' where normal, natural emotions are deemed as bad, and the pressure to be positive at all times is portrayed as cruel and ineffective. The video suggests that embracing emotional agility, rather than false positivity, is more conducive to authentic happiness and well-being.

💡Amplification

Amplification, in the context of the video, is a psychological phenomenon where ignored or suppressed emotions become stronger and more influential. The speaker uses the analogy of a delicious chocolate cake in the refrigerator to illustrate how the more one tries to ignore an emotion, the greater its hold on them. Amplification is presented as a reason to avoid emotional suppression and instead embrace emotional agility.

💡Values-Aligned Actions

Values-aligned actions refer to behaviors and decisions that are consistent with one's core values and beliefs. The video emphasizes the importance of using emotions as data to inform actions that align with one's values, rather than being directed by the emotions themselves. This concept is integral to emotional agility, as it allows individuals to respond to their emotions in a way that is both authentic and purposeful.

💡Courage

Courage, in the video, is not presented as the absence of fear but rather as the ability to act despite fear. The speaker shares a personal story of her father's approach to dealing with the fear of death, which was to acknowledge it rather than create a buffer. This concept of courage is linked to the video's theme of emotional agility, suggesting that facing emotions with courage and authenticity is a path to a meaningful life.

Highlights

The Zulu word 'sawubona' embodies a powerful intention of recognizing and affirming another's existence through greeting.

The speaker's life work revolves around the concept of how we perceive ourselves and navigate our inner world amidst complexity.

Emotional rigidity, categorized as good or bad, is deemed toxic in the face of life's complexities.

Emotional agility is proposed as a key to resilience and thriving, moving beyond the conventional view of emotions.

The speaker's personal journey with emotional agility began with confronting grief and denial in her adolescence.

Denial, both personal and societal, was highlighted as a destructive force, drawing from the speaker's experience in apartheid South Africa.

The importance of acknowledging and expressing emotions authentically was underscored by the speaker's eighth-grade English teacher's advice.

The concept of 'emotional agility' is introduced as a means to navigate beyond denial towards a more adaptive emotional response.

The inevitability of life's uncertainties and the importance of embracing emotional agility in response were discussed.

Depression is identified as the leading cause of global disability, highlighting the urgency of addressing emotional health.

The speaker critiques the 'tyranny of positivity' and its detrimental effects on emotional well-being.

The调研shows that suppressing emotions leads to amplification, suggesting that ignored emotions grow stronger.

The speaker advocates for the acceptance of all emotions as a foundation for resilience and happiness.

The importance of accurately labeling emotions for better understanding and response was emphasized.

Emotions are presented as data that can guide us towards values-aligned actions, rather than directives to be blindly followed.

The practice of noticing emotions without identifying with them was suggested as a method for emotional management.

The workplace benefits of individualized consideration and emotional openness for fostering engagement and innovation were discussed.

The speaker concludes by emphasizing the importance of courage in facing life's fragility with emotional agility.

Transcripts

Hello, everyone.

Sawubona.

In South Africa, where I come from,

"sawubona" is the Zulu word for "hello."

There's a beautiful and powerful intention behind the word

because "sawubona" literally translated means,

"I see you, and by seeing you, I bring you into being."

So beautiful, imagine being greeted like that.

But what does it take in the way we see ourselves?

Our thoughts, our emotions and our stories

that help us to thrive

in an increasingly complex and fraught world?

This crucial question has been at the center of my life's work.

Because how we deal with our inner world drives everything.

Every aspect of how we love, how we live,

how we parent and how we lead.

The conventional view of emotions as good or bad,

positive or negative,

is rigid.

And rigidity in the face of complexity is toxic.

We need greater levels of emotional agility

for true resilience and thriving.

My journey with this calling

began not in the hallowed halls of a university,

but in the messy, tender business of life.

I grew up in the white suburbs of apartheid South Africa,

a country and community committed to not seeing.

To denial.

It's denial that makes 50 years of racist legislation possible

while people convince themselves that they are doing nothing wrong.

And yet, I first learned of the destructive power of denial

at a personal level,

before I understood what it was doing to the country of my birth.

My father died on a Friday.

He was 42 years old and I was 15.

My mother whispered to me to go and say goodbye to my father

before I went to school.

So I put my backpack down and walked the passage that ran through

to where the heart of our home my father lay dying of cancer.

His eyes were closed, but he knew I was there.

In his presence, I had always felt seen.

I told him I loved him,

said goodbye and headed off for my day.

At school, I drifted from science to mathematics to history to biology,

as my father slipped from the world.

From May to July to September to November,

I went about with my usual smile.

I didn't drop a single grade.

When asked how I was doing, I would shrug and say, "OK."

I was praised for being strong.

I was the master of being OK.

But back home, we struggled --

my father hadn't been able to keep his small business going

during his illness.

And my mother, alone, was grieving the love of her life

trying to raise three children,

and the creditors were knocking.

We felt, as a family, financially and emotionally ravaged.

And I began to spiral down, isolated, fast.

I started to use food to numb my pain.

Binging and purging.

Refusing to accept the full weight of my grief.

No one knew, and in a culture that values relentless positivity,

I thought that no one wanted to know.

But one person did not buy into my story of triumph over grief.

My eighth-grade English teacher fixed me with burning blue eyes

as she handed out blank notebooks.

She said, "Write what you're feeling.

Tell the truth.

Write like nobody's reading."

And just like that,

I was invited to show up authentically to my grief and pain.

It was a simple act

but nothing short of a revolution for me.

It was this revolution that started in this blank notebook

30 years ago

that shaped my life's work.

The secret, silent correspondence with myself.

Like a gymnast,

I started to move beyond the rigidity of denial

into what I've now come to call

emotional agility.

Life's beauty is inseparable from its fragility.

We are young until we are not.

We walk down the streets sexy

until one day we realize that we are unseen.

We nag our children and one day realize

that there is silence where that child once was,

now making his or her way in the world.

We are healthy until a diagnosis brings us to our knees.

The only certainty is uncertainty,

and yet we are not navigating this frailty successfully or sustainably.

The World Health Organization tells us that depression

is now the single leading cause of disability globally --

outstripping cancer,

outstripping heart disease.

And at a time of greater complexity,

unprecedented technological, political and economic change,

we are seeing how people's tendency

is more and more to lock down into rigid responses to their emotions.

On the one hand we might obsessively brood on our feelings.

Getting stuck inside our heads.

Hooked on being right.

Or victimized by our news feed.

On the other, we might bottle our emotions,

pushing them aside

and permitting only those emotions deemed legitimate.

In a survey I recently conducted with over 70,000 people,

I found that a third of us --

a third --

either judge ourselves for having so-called "bad emotions,"

like sadness,

anger or even grief.

Or actively try to push aside these feelings.

We do this not only to ourselves,

but also to people we love, like our children --

we may inadvertently shame them out of emotions seen as negative,

jump to a solution,

and fail to help them

to see these emotions as inherently valuable.

Normal, natural emotions are now seen as good or bad.

And being positive has become a new form of moral correctness.

People with cancer are automatically told to just stay positive.

Women, to stop being so angry.

And the list goes on.

It's a tyranny.

It's a tyranny of positivity.

And it's cruel.

Unkind.

And ineffective.

And we do it to ourselves,

and we do it to others.

If there's one common feature

of brooding, bottling or false positivity, it's this:

they are all rigid responses.

And if there's a single lesson we can learn

from the inevitable fall of apartheid

it is that rigid denial doesn't work.

It's unsustainable.

For individuals, for families,

for societies.

And as we watch the ice caps melt,

it is unsustainable for our planet.

Research on emotional suppression shows

that when emotions are pushed aside or ignored,

they get stronger.

Psychologists call this amplification.

Like that delicious chocolate cake in the refrigerator --

the more you try to ignore it ...

(Laughter)

the greater its hold on you.

You might think you're in control of unwanted emotions when you ignore them,

but in fact they control you.

Internal pain always comes out.

Always.

And who pays the price?

We do.

Our children,

our colleagues,

our communities.

Now, don't get me wrong.

I'm not anti-happiness.

I like being happy.

I'm a pretty happy person.

But when we push aside normal emotions to embrace false positivity,

we lose our capacity to develop skills to deal with the world as it is,

not as we wish it to be.

I've had hundreds of people tell me what they don't want to feel.

They say things like,

"I don't want to try because I don't want to feel disappointed."

Or, "I just want this feeling to go away."

"I understand," I say to them.

"But you have dead people's goals."

(Laughter)

(Applause)

Only dead people

never get unwanted or inconvenienced by their feelings.

(Laughter)

Only dead people never get stressed,

never get broken hearts,

never experience the disappointment that comes with failure.

Tough emotions are part of our contract with life.

You don't get to have a meaningful career

or raise a family

or leave the world a better place

without stress and discomfort.

Discomfort is the price of admission to a meaningful life.

So, how do we begin to dismantle rigidity

and embrace emotional agility?

As that young schoolgirl,

when I leaned into those blank pages,

I started to do away with feelings

of what I should be experiencing.

And instead started to open my heart to what I did feel.

Pain.

And grief.

And loss.

And regret.

Research now shows

that the radical acceptance of all of our emotions --

even the messy, difficult ones --

is the cornerstone to resilience, thriving,

and true, authentic happiness.

But emotional agility is more that just an acceptance of emotions.

We also know that accuracy matters.

In my own research, I found that words are essential.

We often use quick and easy labels to describe our feelings.

"I'm stressed" is the most common one I hear.

But there's a world of difference between stress and disappointment

or stress and that knowing dread of "I'm in the wrong career."

When we label our emotions accurately,

we are more able to discern the precise cause of our feelings.

And what scientists call the readiness potential in our brain

is activated, allowing us to take concrete steps.

But not just any steps -- the right steps for us.

Because our emotions are data.

Our emotions contain flashing lights to things that we care about.

We tend not to feel strong emotion

to stuff that doesn't mean anything in our worlds.

If you feel rage when you read the news,

that rage is a signpost, perhaps, that you value equity and fairness --

and an opportunity to take active steps

to shape your life in that direction.

When we are open to the difficult emotions,

we are able to generate responses that are values-aligned.

But there's an important caveat.

Emotions are data, they are not directives.

We can show up to and mine our emotions for their values

without needing to listen to them.

Just like I can show up to my son in his frustration with his baby sister --

but not endorse his idea that he gets to give her away

to the first stranger he sees in a shopping mall.

(Laughter)

We own our emotions, they don't own us.

When we internalize the difference between how I feel in all my wisdom

and what I do in a values-aligned action,

we generate the pathway to our best selves

via our emotions.

So, what does this look like in practice?

When you feel a strong, tough emotion,

don't race for the emotional exits.

Learn its contours, show up to the journal of your hearts.

What is the emotion telling you?

And try not to say "I am," as in, "I'm angry" or "I'm sad."

When you say "I am"

it makes you sound as if you are the emotion.

Whereas you are you, and the emotion is a data source.

Instead, try to notice the feeling for what it is:

"I'm noticing that I'm feeling sad"

or "I'm noticing that I'm feeling angry."

These are essential skills for us,

our families, our communities.

They're also critical to the workplace.

In my research,

when I looked at what helps people to bring the best of themselves to work,

I found a powerful key contributor:

individualized consideration.

When people are allowed to feel their emotional truth,

engagement, creativity and innovation flourish in the organization.

Diversity isn't just people,

it's also what's inside people.

Including diversity of emotion.

The most agile, resilient individuals, teams,

organizations, families, communities

are built on an openness to the normal human emotions.

It's this that allows us to say,

"What is my emotion telling me?"

"Which action will bring me towards my values?"

"Which will take me away from my values?"

Emotional agility is the ability to be with your emotions

with curiosity, compassion,

and especially the courage to take values-connected steps.

When I was little,

I would wake up at night terrified by the idea of death.

My father would comfort me with soft pats and kisses.

But he would never lie.

"We all die, Susie," he would say.

"It's normal to be scared."

He didn't try to invent a buffer between me and reality.

It took me a while to understand

the power of how he guided me through those nights.

What he showed me is that courage is not an absence of fear;

courage is fear walking.

Neither of us knew that in 10 short years,

he would be gone.

And that time for each of us is all too precious

and all too brief.

But when our moment comes

to face our fragility,

in that ultimate time,

it will ask us,

"Are you agile?"

"Are you agile?"

Let the moment be an unreserved "yes."

A "yes" born of a lifelong correspondence with your own heart.

And in seeing yourself.

Because in seeing yourself,

you are also able to see others, too:

the only sustainable way forward

in a fragile, beautiful world.

Sawubona.

And thank you.

(Laughter)

Thank you.

(Applause)

Thank you.

(Applause)