Narcissistic Abuse: From Victim to Survivor in 6 Steps

Summary

In 'Malignant Self-Love: Narcissism Revisited', S. Bakin offers guidance for those abused by narcissists or psychopaths. The script emphasizes the necessity of transitioning from victim to survivor, a process that involves abandoning the narcissist, acknowledging painful realities, and moving forward. It discusses the stages of grieving and the importance of healing without fixation on rage or grief. Bakin also addresses the complexities of forgiveness and the dynamic nature of human relationships, cautioning against the allure of narcissistic charm and the dangers of the Stockholm syndrome.

Takeaways

• 🚫 Abandon the Narcissist: The script emphasizes the importance of distancing oneself from a narcissist to avoid further emotional harm.
• 🛑 Moving On is Essential: It's crucial to move from victimhood to survivor status, which is a process that only the individual can initiate.
• 💡 Acceptance of Reality: Acknowledging and accepting the painful truth about the narcissistic relationship is the first step towards healing.
• 🔍 The Learning Phase: Moving on involves labeling, educating, comparing, digesting, and gaining insights to make informed decisions.
• 🛡️ Fortify Self-Esteem: The script suggests that moving on means fighting, replenishing self-esteem, seeking, and moving forward.
• 😢 Grieving is Necessary: The emotional process of grieving is a natural response to betrayal and abuse, and it's essential for healing.
• 🔄 Healing Involves Phases: The healing process includes stages of shock, anger, acceptance, and forgiveness, all of which are necessary.
• 🚫 Avoid Perpetual Grieving: Remaining stuck in grief can perpetuate the abuse, and it's important to move on to defeat the abuser.
• 🤝 Forgiveness as Healing: Forgiving can be beneficial for the forgiver, but it's not a one-size-fits-all solution and may not always be appropriate.
• 🔄 Life is Chaotic: The speaker advises against applying rigid rules to life, suggesting that flexibility is key in dealing with complex situations.
• 🤔 Assess Relationships: It's important to periodically evaluate friendships and relationships to ensure they remain healthy and supportive.
• ❌ Beware of Narcissistic 'Niceness': Narcissists may appear friendly only when they seek something, and this behavior is often manipulative and temporary.
• 🏆 Recognize Grandiosity: Narcissists may act magnanimous to flaunt their perceived superiority and to humiliate others, using them as props in their self-aggrandizement.
• 🕊️ Moving On is Empowering: Ultimately, the script encourages individuals to move on from the narcissistic relationship, which is a form of empowerment and self-preservation.

Q & A

What is the primary message of the script 'Malignant Self-Love Narcissism Revisited'?

The primary message is that individuals who have been abused by a narcissist or psychopath must move from being a victim to a survivor, and that this transition is a personal choice that no one else can make for them.

Why does the script mention that the narcissist initiates their own abandonment?

The script explains that the narcissist initiates abandonment due to fear of losing their sources of supply and being emotionally hurt. They prefer to control the potentially destabilizing situation by causing their own abandonment to avoid a narcissistic injury.

What is the significance of moving on in the context of the script?

Moving on is a crucial step for survivors of narcissistic abuse. It is a process that involves acknowledging and accepting the painful reality, learning from the experience, and taking action to heal and grow.

How does the script describe the process of moving on from narcissistic abuse?

The script describes moving on as a process that includes acknowledging the reality of the abuse, assimilating the painful experiences, learning and gaining insights, making decisions, and taking action to face the challenges of life with renewed strength and self-esteem.

What is the role of grieving in the process of moving on from narcissistic abuse?

Grieving is an essential phase in moving on from narcissistic abuse. It involves mourning the loss of trust, the damage done by the abuser, and the innocence that was lost. It is a necessary emotional process that leads to healing.

Why is it important not to get fixated on rage or permanent grieving according to the script?

The script emphasizes that while it's natural to feel rage and grief, getting fixated on these emotions is self-defeating and perpetuates the abuse by recreating the hurtful experiences. Moving on is the key to defeating the abuser and minimizing their importance in one's life.

What does the script suggest about the act of forgiving in the context of narcissistic abuse?

Forgiving is presented as an important capability that benefits the forgiver more than the forgiven. However, it is not a universal behavior and sometimes it is legitimate not to forgive, depending on the severity of the abuse.

How does the script address the idea of maintaining a relationship with a narcissist?

The script advises against maintaining a relationship with a narcissist, explaining that they are nice and friendly only when they want something from you. It suggests that the narcissist's behavior is manipulative and transient, and that one should not fall into the trap of the Stockholm syndrome.

What is the script's stance on the idea of living with a narcissist for the sake of excitement and stimulation?

While the script acknowledges that some people might feel alive and stimulated in the presence of a narcissist, it questions why these individuals, referred to as inverted narcissists, are often unhappy and in need of help, suggesting that their approach is flawed.

How does the script describe the technique of treating narcissistic abuse as if it were 'uttered in archaic Chinese'?

The script uses the metaphor of 'archaic Chinese' to describe a coping mechanism where individuals condition themselves to ignore the abusive behavior of a narcissist, similar to not understanding a foreign language.

What is the final advice given by the script to those who have been abused by a narcissist?

The final advice is to move on from the abuse, not to fall into the trap of identifying with the abuser, and to make the transition from being a victim to becoming a survivor.

Outlines

00:00

🛡 Moving from Victim to Survivor

The speaker, S. Bakin, author of 'Malignant Self-Love: Narcissism Revisited,' addresses individuals who have been abused, maltreated, or harassed, suggesting they transition from victims to survivors. Bakin emphasizes that this transformation is a personal choice and cannot be made by others, including therapists or family. The first step is to abandon the narcissist, who often initiates abandonment due to fear of losing control. Abandonment can cause a narcissistic injury, but if the narcissist perceives it as self-directed, they may avoid negative consequences. Moving on is a process that involves acknowledging painful realities and resisting the urge to remain a victim. The speaker discusses the importance of learning from the experience, gaining emotional sustenance, and facing life's challenges with renewed confidence. Grieving is a necessary part of this process, allowing individuals to mourn the loss of trust and love, and to heal by moving forward.

05:01

🚫 Overcoming the Abuse Cycle

This paragraph delves into the importance of moving on from the cycle of abuse inflicted by narcissists or psychopaths. Bakin explains that holding onto rage or perpetual grieving perpetuates the abuse by recreating the victim's traumatic experiences. Forgiveness is presented as a crucial capability, beneficial more for the forgiver than the forgiven, but it is not a one-size-fits-all solution. The speaker advises against applying universal principles rigidly to life, as it can lead to self-defeating behaviors. Conflicts and adversity are seen as opportunities for growth, and human relationships require constant assessment and effort. Bakin warns against the manipulative nature of narcissists, who may appear friendly only when they seek something from the victim. The paragraph concludes with a discussion on the Stockholm syndrome, where victims may feel gratitude towards their abusers, and the importance of not falling into this trap.

10:02

🔄 The Complexities of Codependency with Narcissists

The final paragraph explores the complexities of relationships with narcissists, particularly the phenomenon of inverted narcissists who may feel alive and stimulated only in the presence of a narcissist. Bakin discusses how some individuals, conditioned by early life experiences, may prefer the drama and excitement of being with a narcissist, even if it involves abuse. The speaker describes a technique used by codependent individuals to ignore the negative aspects of the relationship by treating the abusive behavior as if it were in a language they do not understand. Bakin questions why inverted narcissists, who seemingly benefit from their relationships with narcissists, often remain unhappy and in need of professional help. The paragraph serves as a caution against the trap of identifying with one's abuser and the importance of transitioning from a victim to a survivor.

Keywords

💡Narcissism

Narcissism in the context of the video refers to a personality disorder characterized by a grandiose sense of self-importance, a lack of empathy, and a constant need for admiration. It is central to the theme as the video discusses the impact of narcissistic behavior on victims and the process of moving from victimhood to survivor status.

💡Victim to Survivor

The transition from 'victim to survivor' is a key concept in the video, signifying the personal journey of overcoming the effects of abuse and maltreatment by a narcissist. It emphasizes the importance of self-empowerment and the active choice to heal and move forward with one's life, rather than remaining trapped in the past.

💡Abandonment

Abandonment, in the script, refers to the act of leaving or being left by a narcissist, which is often initiated by the narcissist themselves due to their fear of losing control. The concept is integral to understanding the dynamics of a relationship with a narcissist and the subsequent emotional turmoil experienced by the victim.

💡Mourning

Mourning is the process of grieving for the loss of trust, love, and the idealized image of the abuser. The video discusses mourning as a necessary phase in the healing process, where individuals come to terms with the reality of their experiences and the damage inflicted by the narcissist.

💡Healing

Healing in the video is depicted as the multi-stage emotional process that follows the acknowledgment of the abuse and the mourning of the loss. It involves moving through various emotions, from shock and anger to acceptance and forgiveness, ultimately leading to personal growth and recovery.

💡Forgiveness

Forgiveness is presented as an important capability that can aid in personal healing, though it is not mandated for every situation. The video suggests that forgiveness can be beneficial for the forgiver, but it should not be indiscriminate or universal, and the decision to forgive is highly personal and context-dependent.

💡Conflict

Conflict is acknowledged in the video as an inevitable part of life and an opportunity for growth. It is suggested that while one should not seek out conflicts, they should also not be avoided when they arise, as they are a test of allegiance and empathy in relationships.

💡Narcissistic Supply

Narcissistic Supply refers to the admiration, attention, or any form of validation that a narcissist craves and seeks from others. The video explains that narcissists are often only friendly when they require something from others, using this supply to maintain their self-image and sense of superiority.

💡Stockholm Syndrome

The term Stockholm Syndrome is used in the video to describe a psychological phenomenon where victims develop a bond with their abusers, identifying with them rather than seeking help or freedom. It is mentioned to highlight the complex emotional dynamics that can occur in abusive relationships.

💡Codependency

Codependency in the script refers to a relationship dynamic where one person is excessively reliant on the other, often to the point of enabling harmful behaviors. The video touches on how some individuals may be conditioned to tolerate or even seek out relationships with narcissists due to early life experiences.

💡Inverted Narcissist

An Inverted Narcissist, as mentioned in the video, is someone who may not outwardly display the typical traits of narcissism but still derives a sense of excitement or stimulation from their interactions with a narcissist. The concept is used to illustrate the complexity of human relationships and the varying ways individuals may respond to narcissistic behavior.

Highlights

The journey from victim to survivor in the context of narcissistic abuse requires personal initiative and cannot be delegated to others.

Narcissists often initiate their own abandonment to control potentially destabilizing situations and avoid narcissistic injury.

The chaotic and precarious balance of a narcissist's personality makes abandonment a feared event that could lead to severe consequences.

Moving on from a narcissist is a process that involves acknowledging and accepting the painful reality of the situation.

The learning phase involves labeling, educating oneself, comparing experiences, and making decisions based on insights gained.

Moving on means facing the challenges of relationships with fortified self-esteem and a replenished sense of self.

Grieving is a necessary phase after experiencing betrayal and abuse, involving mourning the loss of trust and innocence.

The emotional process of grieving has multiple stages, including shock, anger, acceptance, and eventually healing.

It is crucial to move on to defeat the abuser by minimizing their importance in one's life and focusing on personal growth.

Forgiveness is an important capability that benefits the forgiver more than the forgiven, but it is not always necessary or appropriate.

Life is too chaotic for rigid rules, and sentences starting with 'I never' or 'I always' can lead to self-defeating behaviors.

Conflicts and adversity are integral parts of life that contribute to personal growth just as much as care and love do.

Human relationships require periodic assessment to ensure they remain healthy, nourishing, and supportive.

Narcissists are only nice and friendly when they want something from you, using manipulation to maintain control.

The transient nature of a narcissist's kindness is often a facade to maintain their self-image and control over others.

Some individuals may feel more alive with a narcissist due to early childhood conditioning and the excitement of their presence.

The technique of treating narcissistic abuse as if it were in a foreign language can be effective for some in avoiding emotional harm.

Inverted narcissists may experience only the positive aspects of living with a narcissist while ignoring the negative ones.

The unhappiness of inverted narcissists suggests that they too may be victims of the Stockholm syndrome, identifying with their abuser.

It is essential not to fall into the trap of identifying with the abuser and to make the transition from victim to survivor.

Transcripts

my name is s Bakin and I the author of

malignant self- love narcissism

revisit so you have been abused

maltreated harassed and stalked you feel

that you fell prey to a narcissist or a

psychopath but you must move on from

victim to

Survivor no one will do it for you no

one can do it for you not your therapist

not your best friend not your nearest

family only you can choose survival over

victimhood there are a few steps to

this the first one is abandon the

narcissist The Narcissist initiates his

own abandonment because of his fear of

it he is so terrified of losing his

sources of supply and of being

emotionally hurt that he would rather

control must master or direct the

potentially destabilizing situation by

causing precipitating and engendering

his own abandonment remember the

personality of the narcissist has a low

level of organization it's chaotic it is

precariously

balanced being abandoned could cause a

narcissistic injury so grave that the

whole edifice of the narcissist can come

crumbling down narcissists usually

entertain suicidal ideation in such

cases but if the narcissist had

initiated and directed his own

abandonment if it is perceived by him as

a goal that he had set to himself he can

and does avoid all these untoward

consequences the next one is moving on

to preserve one's mental health one must

abandon the narcissist I have said that

but one must also move on moving on is a

process not a decision nor is it an

event first one has to acknowledge and

accept painful reality such acceptance

is a volcanic shattering agonizing

serious of nibbling thoughts and strong

intrusive

resistances once the battle is won and

fresh and in harsh and agonizing

realities have been assimilated one can

move on to the learning phase

what is a learning pH we're label we

label everything around us and everyone

around us we educate ourselves we

compare experiences we digest we have

insights then we decide and then we

act and this is what it means to move on

having gathered sufficient emotional

sustenance knowledge support confidence

we Face the battlefields of our

relationships fortified and nurtured

this this stage characterizes those who

do not mourn but fight do not grieve but

replenish the self-esteem do not hide

but seek do not freeze but move on move

on move on this is your motto this is

your Mantra this is the

keyword but of

course abandoning anyone and especially

the

narcissist forces one to go through a

phase of grieving or

Mourning having been having been

betrayed having been

abused inevitably we grieve we grieve

for the image we had of the traitor and

the abuser the image was so fleeting and

so wrong we mourn the damage that he did

to us we experienced the fear of never

being able to love or to trust again and

we grieve this loss of in

innocence in one stroke we had lost

someone we had trusted and even love we

had lost our trusting and loving selves

and we had lost the trust and love that

we had fa can anything be

worse the emotional process of grieving

has many phases first we are

dumbfounded and shocked inert immobile

we play dead to avoid our inner monsters

we are a ifed in our pain cast in the

mold of our reticence of

fears then we feel enraged indignant

rebellious and hateful and then we

accept and then we cry and then some of

us learn to forgive into pity and this

is what we call

Healing all stages are absolutely

necessary and good for you it is bad not

to rage back not to shame those who had

shamed us to deny prect then to evade

but it is equally bad to get fixated on

our rage permanent greeing is a

perpetuation of our abuse by other

means by endlessly recreating our hering

experiences we unwillingly collaborate

with our abusers to perpetuate their

evil Deeds It Is by moving on that we

defeat our abuser minimizing him and his

importance in our lives It Is by loving

and by trusting a new

that we an all that which was done to us

to forgive is never to forget but to

remember is not necessarily to

re-experience forgiving is an important

capability it does more for the forgiver

than for the forgiven but it should not

be a a universal indiscriminant Behavior

it is absolutely legitimate to not

forgive sometimes it depends of course

on the severity or jur ation of what had

been done to you in general it is unwise

counterproductive to apply to life

Universal and immutable principles life

is too chaotic to succumb to rigid

edicts and rules sentences which start

with I never or I always are not very

credible or clever and they often lead

to self-defeating self-restricting and

even self-destructive

behaviors conflicts are an important and

integral part of life one should never

seek them out but when confronted with a

conflict one should not avoid it it is

through conflicts and through adversity

as much as through care and love that we

grow human relationships are Dynamic we

must assess our friendships Partnerships

even our marriages per

periodically in and by itself a common

past is insufficient to sustain a

healthy nourishing supportive caring and

compassionate

relationship common memories are a

necessary but not a sufficient condition

we must gain and regain our friendships

our love our relationships on a daily

basis human relationships are a constant

test of Allegiance and

empathy but can you remain friends with

the narcissists can't you act civilized

and remain on friendly terms with your

narcissistic

ex well never forget the narcissists at

least the full-fledged ones are nice and

friendly only when they want something

from you narcisstic Supply help support

votes money or

sex they prepare the ground manipulate

you and then come out with a small favor

they need or ask you blatantly and

surreptitiously for narcissistic

Supply sentences such as what did you

think about my performance or do you

think that I really deserve the Nobel

Prize narcissists are knives are

friendly only when they feel threatened

and they want to neutral the threat the

threat by smothering it with oozing

pleasantries narcissists are nice and

friendly when they have been just when

they have just been infused with another

dose of narcisstic apply and they feel

magnanimous they magnificent and ideal

and perfect to show magnanimity is a way

of flaunting one impeccable Divine

credentials it is an act of

grandiosity it is an act of humiliating

giving you you are an irrelevant prop in

this spectacle a mere receptacle of the

narcissist overflowing self-contented of

infatuation with his false

self but all these all these beneficence

is

transient Perpetual victims often tend

to thank the narcissist for little

Graces and this this is the Stockholm

syndrome hostages tend to emotionally

identify with their captors rather than

with the police we are grateful to our

abusers and tormentors for seizing even

for a moment their hideous activities

and for allowing us to catch our breath

before the next blow

descends some people say that they

prefer to live with narcissis to cater

to their needs and to succumb to their

Wills because this is the way they had

been conditioned in early

childhood it is only with narcissist

that such people feel alive stimulated

and excited the world glows in technical

3D in the presence of a narcissist and

decays into cpia colors in the absence

of a

narcity I see nothing inherently wrong

with such an

approach the test is this if someone

were to constantly humiliate and abuse

you verbally using Arc

Chinese would you have felt humiliated

and abused probably

not you don't understand arcade Chinese

he can't get to you some people have

been conditioned by the narcissistic

primary objects in their lives parents

caregivers to treat narcissistic abuse

as if it were uttered in archaic Chinese

to turn a deaf

ear the technique this technique is

effective in that it allows the inverted

narcissists the codependent narcissist

the covert narcissist The Narcissist

willing made to experience Only the Good

aspects of living with the narcissist

and ignore the bad ones is the

narcissist sparkling intelligence the

constant drama and excitement the lack

of intimacy and emotional attachment

which Some people

prefer every now and then the narcissis

breaks into abuse in archaic Chinese so

what who understands AR Chinese anyway

says the inverted narcissist to

theel and she

survives even so I have one meing doubt

if the relationship with the narcissist

is so

rewarding why are inverted narcissists

so usually unhappy so ego

distonic and and comfortable with who

they are and what they do so in need of

help professionally or otherwise

aren't they victims who simply

experience the Stockholm syndrome

identifying with their kidnapper rather

than with the

police AR they victims who deny their

own

torment AR they victims who fail to make

the transition to

survivors don't fall into this trap move

on