NEUROSCIENTIST: Worst Thing To Do After Breakup | Andrew Huberman

Neuro Lifestyle

15 Jan 202305:29

Summary

TLDRThe video script delves into the emotional turmoil of breakups, particularly for the young, as relationships often symbolize their future. It highlights the challenges of moving on in the age of social media, where constant reminders of the lost partner can hinder the healing process. The script references research showing women experience more intense physical and emotional pain post-breakup, yet recover more fully than men, who rarely recover completely. It suggests that confronting and fully feeling the emotional depth of the loss, rather than avoiding or suppressing it, is key to recovery. Strategies like distraction and sublimation are discussed, along with the idea of learning to 'pack down' feelings from a young age. The importance of allowing oneself to experience and process grief is emphasized for long-term emotional health.

Takeaways

💔 Breakups are particularly challenging for young individuals as relationships often symbolize their envisioned future.
🌐 Social media complicates the process of moving on from a breakup, as it allows for constant reminders of the other person's presence.
😢 The emotional and physical pain of a breakup can be intense, with women reportedly experiencing higher levels of both.
🚶‍♀️ Women tend to recover more fully from breakups compared to men, who may not fully recover at all.
🤔 The ability to feel and process emotions deeply can significantly influence how quickly one moves through the grief associated with a breakup.
🚫 People often use various strategies like distraction, anger, and avoidance to cope with the feelings of a breakup, which may prolong the healing process.
🧠 The brain needs to confront the reality of the breakup and accept the unavailability of the person to properly heal.
🐾 Animal studies show similar behaviors of trying to overcome barriers to reach something they desire, which parallels human behavior post-breakup.
🤯 Over-analysis and perseveration on the breakup can be unhealthy, but some level of introspection can be beneficial.
💪 The ability to feel the full intensity of sadness and confront it is key to effectively dealing with breakups.
😢 Suppressing emotions, a common practice, can lead to a lack of catharsis and hinder the healing process.
🧘‍♂️ Steve Jobs' example of scream therapy illustrates the importance of releasing pent-up emotions for mental well-being.
🔥 Using the energy from emotional pain to work harder can create an illusion of progress without addressing the underlying emotional needs.
💡 Ultimately, allowing oneself to feel the emotions associated with a breakup and confronting them is crucial for true healing and moving forward.

Q & A

Why is it particularly hard for young people to deal with breakups?
-Young people find breakups hard because the relationship often represents their entire future. The feeling that the world is shutting down is exacerbated by social media, which allows constant reminders of the person's presence.
How does social media impact the process of moving on after a breakup?
-Social media makes it difficult to move on because it allows for constant checking up on the ex-partner and keeps the person's presence alive, making it harder to accept the reality of the breakup.
What similarities exist between the experience of grief and the loss of love?
-The experience of grief and the loss of love are virtually identical in terms of the motivational state they induce. Both involve intense emotional pain and the struggle to not reach out to the person who is no longer there.
What did the study on emotional and physical pain of a breakup reveal about gender differences?
-The study found that women tend to be more negatively affected by breakups, reporting higher levels of both physical and emotional pain. However, while breakups hit women the hardest, they also tend to recover more fully than men.
How does the ability to feel one's feelings influence the process of grief after a breakup?
-The more willing someone is to feel the full depth and intensity of their feelings associated with the breakup, the more quickly they are likely to move through the grief process.
What strategies do people use to cope with the feelings of a breakup?
-People use various strategies such as distraction, sublimation (like anger), and avoidance to not feel the traumatic feelings of a breakup. Some may also try to self-soothe with alcohol or new partners.
Why do some strategies for dealing with a breakup not work effectively?
-Strategies that involve avoidance or distraction do not work effectively because they prevent the brain from confronting the reality of the breakup, which is necessary for healing and moving on.
What can be observed in animal studies regarding breakups and the inability to move on?
-In animal studies, it can be observed that animals may perseverate and even damage their bodies trying to get through a barrier to something they are highly motivated to reach, similar to how people may perseverate post-breakup.
What is one way that some individuals effectively deal with breakups?
-One effective way to deal with breakups is to allow oneself to feel the full intensity of sadness and confront it, rather than suppressing or avoiding these feelings.
What is the concept of 'packing down feelings' and how does it relate to dealing with breakups?
-Packing down feelings refers to the ability to exert top-down control over one's emotions, which can help in managing the autonomic state of grief. This can be beneficial in functioning daily but may also prevent full emotional processing if not done properly.
How did Steve Jobs approach emotional release and what are its implications for dealing with breakups?
-Steve Jobs was known to engage in scream therapies for cathartic release of internal states, which he believed would make him happier and nicer. This approach suggests that allowing oneself to experience and express intense emotions can be beneficial, but it should be done in a controlled manner to avoid harming oneself or others.

Outlines

00:00

💔 Coping with Breakup and Emotional Recovery

This paragraph discusses the difficulty of coping with breakups, especially for young individuals whose relationships often represent their entire future. The speaker notes that the brain must process the absence of the person, a task complicated by social media's constant reminders of their presence. The paragraph also references a study indicating that women are more negatively affected by breakups, experiencing higher levels of physical and emotional pain, but tend to recover more fully than men who rarely fully recover. The speaker suggests that the ability to feel and confront the depth of emotions associated with the breakup is crucial for moving through grief, drawing a parallel to trauma recovery. Strategies such as distraction, anger, and avoidance are mentioned, but ultimately, confronting the reality of the breakup is necessary for healing. The speaker also touches on the idea of 'packing down feelings' and the importance of allowing oneself to feel the full intensity of sadness as a means of processing grief effectively.

05:02

🔨 Avoidance of Emotional Confrontation and Long-Term Impact

The second paragraph delves into the consequences of avoiding emotional confrontation following a breakup. The speaker warns that failing to remap the 'space-time closeness map' by avoiding feelings can lead to long-term issues such as exhaustion or difficulties in life. They emphasize that suppression of emotions does not truly resolve the emotional state post-breakup. The paragraph suggests that allowing oneself to feel the emotions associated with loss is akin to releasing a valve, which can lead to better emotional health. The speaker also mentions that hard work and its rewards can create an illusion of working through emotional issues, but without confronting the feelings, true healing does not occur.

Mindmap

Keywords

💡Breakup

A breakup refers to the end of a romantic relationship. In the context of the video, it is depicted as a highly emotionally charged event that can be exceedingly hard to cope with, especially for young individuals. The script mentions that the relationship often represents the future, and its loss can feel like the world is shutting down. The theme of the video revolves around the emotional and physical pain associated with breakups and the different ways people cope with the aftermath.

💡Social Media

Social media is a collective term for websites and applications that enable users to create and share content or participate in social networking. The script discusses how social media has complicated the process of moving on after a breakup because it allows for constant updates and interactions with the ex-partner, making it harder to accept the end of the relationship and move forward.

💡Grief

Grief is a natural response to loss, characterized by deep emotional pain and sadness. The video script equates the experience of grief with the loss of love due to a breakup, highlighting that the motivational state of grief is virtually identical to the experience of love loss. The script suggests that confronting the reality of the breakup and the associated grief is a crucial part of the healing process.

💡Emotional Pain

Emotional pain refers to the psychological suffering that individuals experience, often as a result of a deeply distressing or traumatic event. In the script, emotional pain is discussed in the context of a breakup, with research findings indicating that women tend to be more negatively affected by breakups, reporting high levels of emotional pain.

💡Physical Pain

Physical pain is the sensation of discomfort or hurt that is felt in one's body. The video script mentions a study where participants were asked to write about the emotional and physical pain of a breakup, suggesting that the emotional turmoil of a breakup can manifest in physical symptoms, further emphasizing the intensity of the experience.

💡Recovery

Recovery in the context of the video refers to the process of healing and returning to a state of emotional well-being after a breakup. The script notes that while breakups hit women the hardest, they tend to recover more fully, whereas men rarely fully recover, indicating different coping mechanisms and emotional resilience between genders.

💡Grief Strategies

Grief strategies are the various methods people use to cope with the emotional pain of loss. The script discusses several strategies such as distraction, sublimation, and avoidance, which are often employed to mitigate the feelings of a breakup. However, it also points out that these strategies may not be effective in the long term and that confronting the reality of the loss is necessary for true healing.

💡Autonomic Arousal

Autonomic arousal refers to the body's involuntary responses to stimuli, such as an increased heart rate or rapid breathing, often associated with strong emotions. The video script uses the term to describe the intense emotional state experienced during grief or a breakup, which can include both positive and negative feelings of high alertness and arousal.

💡Catharsis

Catharsis is the process of releasing strong or repressed emotions, often resulting in a sense of relief or renewal. The script mentions Steve Jobs' use of scream therapy as a form of cathartic release, suggesting that allowing oneself to fully experience and express emotions can be a healthy way to process grief and move forward.

💡Sublimation

Sublimation is a psychological defense mechanism where socially unacceptable impulses or desires are transformed into socially acceptable actions or behavior. In the context of the video, sublimation is mentioned as a strategy where individuals may channel their feelings of loss and sadness into activities like work or other pursuits to avoid confronting their emotions directly.

💡Space-Time Closeness Map

The term 'space-time closeness map' is used metaphorically in the script to describe the mental and emotional connection one has with another person. The script suggests that a breakup requires the brain to confront the reality that this connection no longer exists, which is likened to a wall being built between the individual and the lost love, blocking access to what was once intimately close.

Highlights

Breakups are especially hard for young people as relationships represent their known future.

Social media makes it harder to cope with breakups as it allows constant reminders of the person.

Love, loss, and grief share a similar motivational state, making it difficult to not reach out to a missed person.

A study found women tend to be more negatively affected by breakups, experiencing higher levels of physical and emotional pain.

While women are hit hardest by breakups, they tend to recover more fully than men.

Comfort in expressing feelings can dictate how quickly one moves through grief, similar to dealing with trauma.

People use various strategies like distraction and avoidance to cope with the feelings of a breakup.

The brain needs to confront the reality of the breakup to fracture the mental map of space-time and closeness.

Animal studies show perseveration and self-damage in the face of barriers, similar to human behavior post-breakup.

Some people analyze their breakup in a way that can be both healthy and unhealthy.

The ability to feel the full intensity of sadness and confront it is key to effectively dealing with breakups.

Learning to 'pack down' feelings from an early age can affect how one deals with intense emotions.

Tamping down emotions is about reducing heart rate and maintaining functionality as a human being.

Steve Jobs was known for using scream therapies for cathartic release, which he believed made him happier and nicer.

Avoiding emotional confrontation can lead to exhaustion and life issues years later due to unprocessed feelings.

Allowing oneself to feel emotions can release pent-up energy and lead to better mental health.