Be A Man: Joe Ehrmann at TEDxBaltimore 2013

Summary

This powerful talk critiques traditional definitions of masculinity, particularly the damaging phrase 'to be a man.' The speaker explores how societal pressures, especially in sports, foster emotional suppression, violence, and unhealthy ideals of masculinity. He argues that true masculinity should be based on two principles: meaningful relationships and a commitment to a cause. Through sports, coaches can help young boys reconnect with their emotions, nurture empathy, and develop a more holistic understanding of what it means to be a man. The speaker calls for a cultural shift towards emotional openness and social responsibility.

Takeaways

• 😀 The phrase 'to be a man' is culturally destructive because it enforces harmful stereotypes about masculinity, focusing on emotional suppression, competition, and economic or athletic success.
• 😀 Men are taught from a young age to suppress emotions, which leads to a phenomenon known as Alexithymia, or the inability to express feelings with words.
• 😀 A significant cultural lie is that masculinity is equated with athleticism, size, strength, and competitive success, leading to an unhealthy notion of masculinity that is based on performance rather than emotional depth.
• 😀 Another cultural lie is that masculinity is defined by sexual conquest, turning relationships with women into a means of validating masculine insecurity rather than mutual respect and love.
• 😀 A third cultural lie is associating masculinity with economic success, where a man's worth is tied to his job, title, or material possessions, ignoring deeper human qualities.
• 😀 These lies about masculinity are deeply embedded in American culture and are often perpetuated by media, advertising, and sports.
• 😀 Many men suffer from an empathy deficit disorder because they are not taught to understand their own emotions, which makes it difficult for them to empathize with others, leading to problems like bullying, substance abuse, and gender violence.
• 😀 To redefine masculinity, we need to focus on relationships and emotional intelligence, teaching boys that being a man is about connection and compassion, not about repressing feelings or competing for status.
• 😀 True masculinity should be based on two core principles: the capacity for love and being loved, and making a meaningful difference or contribution to the world.
• 😀 The concept of sports can serve as a laboratory for redefining masculinity, where the focus shifts from winning at all costs to collaboration, trust, and emotional growth, helping boys embrace their full emotional and relational potential.

Q & A

What is the core problem with the phrase 'to be a man' in modern culture?

The phrase 'to be a man' is culturally destructive because it often implies that men must suppress their emotions, reject vulnerability, and adhere to an unrealistic image of strength, competitiveness, and emotional stoicism. This leads to a disconnection between emotional expression and masculinity.

How do sports contribute to the cultural definition of masculinity?

Sports historically serve as a major platform for defining masculinity by associating it with physical strength, competitiveness, and success. The emphasis on winning, athletic ability, and dominance can perpetuate harmful stereotypes, especially when sports are used to determine a boy's worth and manliness.

What are the three lies about masculinity presented in the script?

The three lies about masculinity are: (1) masculinity is defined by athletic ability, strength, or competition; (2) masculinity is tied to sexual conquest and objectifying others; and (3) masculinity is measured by economic success, job title, or possessions.

What is alexithymia and how does it relate to the socialization of boys?

Alexithymia is a condition where individuals struggle to identify and express their emotions. It arises from the cultural mandate given to boys from a young age to suppress emotions and avoid vulnerability, which leads to an inability to articulate feelings and understand the emotions of others.

What are some societal issues that stem from the cultural definition of masculinity?

The cultural definition of masculinity, which discourages emotional expression, contributes to various societal problems such as violence, substance abuse, emotional isolation, bullying, and gender-based violence.

What does the speaker propose as a redefinition of masculinity?

The speaker proposes that masculinity should be redefined as being rooted in two core principles: the ability to form and nurture relationships and the commitment to a cause. These elements focus on emotional openness, relational success, and contributing to something greater than oneself.

How does the speaker view the relationship between masculinity and deathbed reflections?

The speaker suggests that on one’s deathbed, the true measure of a man is not his achievements, possessions, or power, but the quality of his relationships and the legacy he leaves behind through his contributions to others and the causes he cared about.

Why does the speaker emphasize relationships as key to masculinity?

Relationships are emphasized as key to masculinity because true success in life is ultimately about the ability to love and be loved, to form deep connections with others. The speaker believes that masculinity should be defined by how well a man can relate to others emotionally and contribute to meaningful connections.

How can sports be redefined to better reflect the speaker's vision of masculinity?

Sports can be redefined by emphasizing the importance of relationships, teamwork, and mutual respect over individual competition. The goal should be to teach boys emotional intelligence, empathy, and integrity, while still using the framework of sports to foster these qualities.

What is the speaker's ultimate message regarding masculinity?

The ultimate message is that masculinity should be redefined to focus on emotional authenticity, relational success, and a commitment to a greater cause. By nurturing boys' emotional intelligence and providing a clear and compassionate definition of masculinity, we can create a healthier, more empathetic society.