The Biggest Skill Men Need In Today's World

Summary

The video script addresses the emotional struggles faced by men, highlighting the importance of improving emotional quotient (EQ). It points out societal issues such as high suicide rates, loneliness, and unemployment among men, and emphasizes the need for men to take responsibility for their emotional well-being. The script discusses the reliance on female partners for emotional support and the negative consequences of this dependency, such as the increased risk of suicide post-breakup. It then offers strategies for men to improve their emotional intelligence, including learning to communicate emotional needs effectively, dealing with awkwardness in conversations, and seeking emotional support from peers. The video also touches on the need to move away from anger and towards accountability, and to accept oneself rather than constantly trying to transform into an idealized version. It encourages men to build social connections outside of romantic relationships, to take control of their lives, and to support each other in overcoming emotional challenges.

Takeaways

• 🧐 **Emotional Support**: Men often rely on their female romantic partners as their primary source of emotional support, which can be problematic when relationships end.
• 🚷 **Compartmentalization**: Men tend to segregate relationships into different categories, which can lead to issues such as the 'girlfriend zone' and 'friend zone' dynamics.
• 🤝 **Building Connections**: It's crucial for men to learn how to communicate emotional needs and form deeper connections with other men to avoid over-reliance on women for emotional support.
• 💪 **Instrumental Support**: Men are often conditioned to offer solutions (instrumental support) rather than empathy, which can be limiting when emotional support is needed.
• 🗣️ **Communication Skills**: Learning to ask for and receive emotional support from other men involves using the right language and expressing the need for help in processing emotions.
• 😅 **Handling Awkwardness**: When expressing vulnerability, men should be prepared to handle awkwardness and use prompts like 'help me understand' or 'can you tell me more' to keep conversations going.
• 😡 **Channeling Anger**: Anger can prevent personal growth and accountability; it's important to address this and work towards resolving issues constructively.
• 🤔 **Accountability Over Blame**: Taking accountability for one's actions rather than merely blaming others is key to personal improvement and breaking negative patterns.
• 🙅‍♂️ **Rejecting Transformation Fantasies**: Men should stop dreaming of transforming into an idealized version of themselves based on external pressures and instead accept and work with who they are.
• 🤝 **Community Support**: There is strength in community, and men should seek and offer support within their social circles, including online communities and support groups.
• 🏋️‍♂️ **Self-Improvement**: Acceptance and commitment to self-improvement, rather than external validation, are vital for sustained motivation and personal development.

Q & A

What is the current situation that men are facing in terms of emotional support and societal pressures?

Men are struggling with high suicide rates, loneliness, and unemployment or lack of education and training. They often rely on women for emotional support, which can lead to problems when relationships end.

Why is it important for men to take responsibility for improving their own lives?

It is important because men are often socialized to be independent and self-sufficient, and relying on others for emotional support can create a burden and limit their ability to solve their own problems.

What is the issue with men's primary source of emotional support being their female romantic partners?

This can lead to over-reliance on women for emotional support, and when relationships end, men may lose their primary source of support, leading to increased risk of issues like depression and suicide.

How can men improve their ability to communicate emotional needs to others?

Men can learn to use the language of instrumental support to ask for help with emotional issues, expressing the need for assistance in sorting through emotions or clearing their head.

What are some strategies for dealing with awkwardness when discussing emotional issues with other men?

Men can ask for help understanding, request more information, or use phrases like 'Can you tell me more about that?' to navigate the conversation and feel safer.

Why is it problematic for men to compartmentalize their relationships?

Compartmentalization can lead to a lack of diverse social connections and emotional support systems, causing men to become overly reliant on romantic partners for emotional support.

How does anger prevent men from taking accountability for their actions?

Anger can lead to a black-and-white thinking pattern where men blame others for their problems, which absolves them of any responsibility and hinders personal growth and change.

What is the concept of 'transformation' that men often fall into when dealing with problems?

Transformation is the idea that men need to change who they are fundamentally to overcome problems, which can lead to external control over their lives and a lack of sustainable motivation.

Why is acceptance a more beneficial approach than transformation for men facing personal challenges?

Acceptance allows men to take control of their lives and not be dictated by external circumstances, leading to more sustainable motivation and positive change over time.

What is the role of the community and social connections in helping men overcome emotional challenges?

Community and social connections provide a support system where men can share their experiences, learn from each other, and find help in overcoming emotional and personal challenges.

How can men start to build better relationships and emotional support systems outside of romantic partnerships?

Men can start by learning to communicate their emotional needs more effectively, seeking out diverse social connections, and taking accountability for their actions rather than relying solely on romantic partners for support.

Outlines

00:00

😀 Addressing Men's Emotional Struggles and the Importance of EQ

The speaker begins by highlighting the emotional struggles men are facing, such as high suicide rates, loneliness, and unemployment. They emphasize the need for men to take responsibility for improving their own lives, rather than relying on societal changes. The paragraph discusses the reliance on female partners for emotional support and the issues that arise when this support is lost, such as after a breakup. The importance of developing core emotional quotient (EQ) skills to handle problems and improve relationships is stressed.

05:01

😔 The Challenge of Expressing Emotional Vulnerability Among Men

The speaker shares a personal story about reaching out to his ex-wife for emotional support and being met with a lack of understanding. This leads into a discussion about societal norms that discourage men from expressing vulnerability, except with women in their lives. The paragraph explores the research on men's mental health and the tendency to compartmentalize relationships, which results in a lack of emotional support outside of romantic relationships. The speaker suggests learning a new language to communicate emotional needs to other men and offers strategies to deal with the awkwardness that can arise.

10:03

🤔 Learning to Understand and Respond to Emotional Expressions

The speaker provides advice on how to respond when a man expresses emotional vulnerability. They suggest using phrases like 'help me understand' and 'can you tell me more' to facilitate conversation. The paragraph discusses the societal expectation for men to solve problems and the tendency to channel anger rather than accountability. It also touches on the negative impact of anger on a man's ability to take responsibility and improve their situation.

15:04

😠 The Problem with Anger and the Need for Accountability

The speaker delves into the issue of anger among men and how it often prevents them from taking accountability for their actions. They discuss the cognitive and physical effects of anger, which narrows perspective and hinders personal growth. The paragraph includes references to scientific literature and personal anecdotes to illustrate the point. The speaker encourages men to decompress their anger and take responsibility for their part in their problems to enable positive change.

20:05

🚫 Stopping Transformation Fantasies and Embracing Acceptance

The final paragraph addresses the common male desire to transform into an idealized version of themselves to solve problems. The speaker argues that this mindset leads to a lack of control over one's life and a cycle of resentment. They advocate for acceptance and commitment as a healthier approach, drawing on the principles of acceptance and commitment therapy. The paragraph concludes with a message of empowerment, encouraging men to take control of their lives and not let external circumstances dictate their actions or self-worth.

Keywords

💡Emotional Quotient (EQ)

Emotional Quotient, often abbreviated as EQ, refers to an individual's ability to recognize, understand, use, and manage their own emotions in positive ways to relieve stress, communicate effectively, empathize with others, overcome challenges and defuse conflict. In the video, the speaker discusses the importance of improving EQ, particularly for men who are facing societal challenges and emotional struggles.

💡Compartmentalization

Compartmentalization is the psychological practice of separating different aspects of one's life or emotions into different 'compartments' in order to manage complex feelings or situations. The video script highlights how men often compartmentalize relationships, which can lead to issues such as the 'girlfriend zone' or 'friend zone' and a lack of emotional support outside of romantic relationships.

💡Instrumental Support

Instrumental support is a form of aid that involves providing practical help or solutions to problems, as opposed to emotional support. The speaker in the video explains that men tend to offer instrumental support when their male friends express problems, often jumping into problem-solving mode without addressing the underlying emotions, which can be a barrier to emotional connection.

💡Anger

Anger is a strong feeling of displeasure and antagonism. In the context of the video, the speaker discusses how anger can prevent men from taking accountability for their actions and can lead to a cycle of blame and resentment. The video emphasizes the importance of managing anger and moving towards accountability as a means of personal growth and emotional health.

💡Accountability

Accountability is the willingness to accept responsibility or to account for one's actions. The video stresses the need for men to shift from expressing anger to taking accountability, which is crucial for personal development and for improving relationships. It is linked to the idea of self-improvement and breaking negative patterns.

💡Acceptance

Acceptance is the act of embracing the reality of a situation or acknowledging the truth without attempting to change it. The video encourages men to accept their circumstances and themselves rather than constantly trying to transform into an idealized version of themselves. Acceptance is presented as a powerful tool for regaining control over one's life and for fostering a sense of self-worth.

💡Transforming

Transforming refers to the process of changing one's form, nature, or identity. The video script discusses the common male desire to transform into a different person to solve problems or meet expectations, which can be detrimental as it disempowers individuals and makes them subject to external control. The speaker advises against this and instead promotes self-acceptance and personal agency.

💡Social Connectedness

Social connectedness refers to the degree to which an individual is connected with others in a social network or community. The video emphasizes the importance of men developing a social support system outside of romantic relationships to reduce the risk of isolation and to improve mental health outcomes.

💡Mental Health

Mental health is the state of well-being in which an individual can realize their own abilities, cope with the normal stresses of life, work productively, and make a contribution to their community. The video discusses the impact of societal pressures and emotional challenges on men's mental health and advocates for self-improvement strategies and emotional literacy.

💡Toxic Masculinity

Toxic masculinity refers to cultural norms that define manhood as dominant, aggressive, and emotionally stoic, which can be harmful to men and society. The video touches on the concept by discussing how societal expectations can lead to anger and a lack of emotional expression among men, contributing to a cycle of negative behaviors and attitudes.

💡Self-Sufficiency

Self-sufficiency is the state of being able to provide for one's needs without external assistance. The video script mentions how men are often socialized to be self-sufficient and independent, which can lead to difficulties in seeking and accepting help when facing emotional or psychological challenges.

Highlights

Men are struggling with high suicide rates, loneliness, and unemployment, and societal changes have removed traditional support spaces.

Men are often left to solve their problems independently, with limited emotional support outside of female partners.

Research indicates men primarily rely on female romantic partners for emotional support, which can be problematic post-breakup.

Men are socialized to express emotional vulnerability primarily with women, leading to a lack of emotional expression with other men.

Men often compartmentalize relationships, which can lead to issues like the 'friend zone' and 'girlfriend zone' dynamics.

Men need to learn a new language to communicate emotional needs effectively to other men.

Men tend to offer instrumental support rather than emotional support, which can be unhelpful for those seeking to express emotions.

The speaker recommends phrases for men to use when seeking emotional support, such as 'I need help sorting through my emotions'.

Men need to learn how to deal with awkwardness and feel safer in conversations about emotions.

When feeling awkward, men can ask for more information or clarification to better understand and navigate the situation.

Anger often prevents men from taking accountability for their actions and can lead to a lack of personal growth.

Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) is an evidence-based approach that encourages accepting reality rather than trying to change it.

Men are encouraged to stop compartmentalizing relationships and start building social connections outside of romantic relationships.

The dream of transforming into an ideal man is often triggered by external circumstances, which can lead to a loss of control over one's life.

Acceptance, rather than transformation, is key to taking control of one's life and making sustainable changes.

Men are called to take responsibility for their emotional well-being and to develop healthier ways of handling emotions and problems.

The community and supportive networks can play a significant role in helping men navigate emotional challenges and improve their lives.

Transcripts

hey y'all today we're going to talk

about core EQ or emotional quotient

skills that men need to improve their

life so men are struggling a lot right

now the suicide rates are at an all-time

high we've got a loneliness epidemic we

have a large number of men that for the

first time in history are neats not in

employment education or training so men

are really struggling and when people

talk about this problem they'll talk

about societal kinds of things like we

need to raise awareness there are papers

about things like the loss of third

spaces right so these are P places that

we used to hang out and get to know each

other but as these things are

disappearing we're still left with a

fundamental problem which is like yeah

like this stuff is a problem but who's

going to fix it who is taking the

responsibility for actually improving

the lives of men and that's right

because as men it's up to us right we

are independent we're self-sufficient

women and children get access to the

lifeboats but we as men need to solve

problems on our own and this is

something that we see a lot even on the

internet the men's lonelyness epidemic

is not going to be solved by women so

this is a post that interestingly enough

I don't even disagree with right so

right now one of the biggest problems

that men struggle with is that their

primary source of emotional support is

usually their female romantic Partners

in heteronormative relationships and

there's even research about this so

let's kind of take a quick look at a

paper so I tried to call up my ex-wife

now day after discharge which she

wouldn't answer the phone I sent her a

message saying can you please call me

because we need to talk about things

that can't be said in a text message so

she called me and I told her about what

had happened the night before about how

I'd been to the hospital and she said

I'm going to hang up now and I said no

no no I have to tell you what happened

and she said I'm going to hang up now

I'm going to get you somebody who can

help you this is from a paper called

masculinity and mental illness in and

after men's intimate partner

relationships so this paper very well

highlights a huge problem that men have

which is that we rely on women for

emotional support and even after they

break up with us or we break up with

them or after they're our exes these are

the only places that we know how to go

and I think understandably women are fed

up with it so today we're going to talk

about core skills

that you can use and if you got pissed

off by this that's okay we're going to

address that too core skills and things

that you can do to actually improve your

relationships and skills that you can

develop to better handle the problems

that you face as a man hey y' I want to

take a second to talk about star Forge

PCS so I am in love with these gaming

machines because I love gaming the

problem is that I started building PCS

when I was 12 and I just don't have the

time for it anymore and if you really

think about it like sure you can keep up

with all the trends and stuff but but

chances are especially if you're a

healthy gamer you may have better things

to do with your time so if you're like a

college student I love that they have

the horizon line which is like more

economical really solid gaming PC and

instead of like spending 15 hours

following trends like you know study

your for your final and like get a

better grade and then get a better GPA

then get a better job and then go live

your life so if you're like me and

you're like a professional and you want

to really solid gaming PC because you're

a gamer but you also don't want to waste

the time to figure out what's good and

what's not I highly recommend star Forge

all of their PCS are built in Austin by

Gamers who really know what they're

doing and if you're like me like you

build a PC once every 3 years and you

screw up the gel on the heat sink if you

know what I'm talking about you know

what I'm talking about all this kind of

crap you don't have to worry about

they're going to do everything for you

it'll be a solid PC it'll run your games

and this is the crazy thing every single

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Zoom at top specs so check out star

Forge I absolutely love

them so the first thing that we need to

talk about is compartmentalization so

men tend to compartmentalize our

relationships so we tend to have this

group of buddies that I game with these

are my outdoor friends this is my family

those aren't my friends these are

different kinds of people so as men we

tend to compartmentalize very very

heavily and one of the compartments that

we make is that women are the people

that are our primary source of emotional

support and they're also the people that

we want to get romantically involved

with we tend to tie the two things

things together now this creates all

kinds of problems when we

compartmentalized relationships like

this we get stuck into these dynamics of

girlfriend Zone and friend zone so we as

men are socialized to express only emot

emotional vulnerability with usually the

women in our lives so these are usually

people like mothers sisters or

girlfriends and when we express this

emotional vulnerability with other men

we tend to get made fun of or they don't

know how to deal with it let's look at

some more research so this is from a

different paper which we'll talk about

but I needed to get lots of Courage

together to tell a friend of mine and I

kind of said uh I think I'm depressed

and he's like Ah that's a shame laughs

and it didn't really go anywhere you

know it felt like I invested put myself

out there on a limb and built up and had

to sort of build myself up to a struggle

to get the words out even to say the

actual words it was a struggle to say

the actual words and it came out real

sort of land and it probably didn't

sound like much but it didn't go really

go anywhere I guess because Beyond just

saying I'm depressed you kind of need to

talk about it more than that right right

so if you're a dude listening to this

you know exactly what this person is

going through let's take a look at

another example I could tell because we

know each other so well that he was

passing a sort of judgment on me and it

was a passive thing for him but it was

just like that's how it is man and then

he was sort of like yeah yeah he sort of

understood like you could just see that

it was difficult for him to be like okay

and how does that work and I'd be like I

don't know so in that sense I haven't

confided in many other people this is

from a paper called masculinity social

connectedness and men's and mental

health men's diverse patterns of

practice if we look at this situation

what do we see we see that we as men do

not know how to engage with other men

and this creates huge problems this

creates all kinds of problems for women

because women are left with the burden

of our emotional support outside of

romance and this is why if you look at

men who go through a breakup there is a

fourfold increase in suicidal risk post

breakup why is that that's because when

we lose a girlfriend or wife we also

lose our best friend who emotionally

supports us so it's kind of like

everything falls apart all at once

because we do not have social connection

ESS systems outside of the women that we

date and we absolutely need to build

those and I'm going to teach you how to

do that here and now so the first thing

to understand is we need to learn a

different kind of language so as we saw

in these examples we as men don't know

and this isn't our fault we don't know

how to communicate our emotional needs

to other people so as men we also know

that when you go to a dude with a

problem the dude will go into caveman

problem solving mode right so if you go

to a friend and you say hey bro I'm

depressed your friend will say like ah

me no depressed go to gym build

confidence get sexier this will help or

men have beer so when we go to other men

to discuss our problems what ends up

happening is that they offer something

called instrumental support So when men

try to support other men we don't just

talk about our problems because there's

no point in that right we offer

Solutions so what we're going to teach

you

is how to use the language of

instrumental support but to gain

emotional support and not need to rely

on the women or girlfriends in our life

okay so I'll give youall a couple of

sample things that you can say so the

first is hey man I need help thinking

through some stuff hey man I need help

sorting through my emotions hey man I

need help clearing my head and so when a

man hears this this is when they will

understand and provide the support that

you need ah man know sometimes head have

lots of thoughts sometimes in head is

confusing can help to get things out of

head empty head is good head so in these

moments what you are actually doing is

asking for instrumental support hey bro

help me sort through these emotions I'm

not looking to go to the gym I'm not

looking to get introduced to your

girlfriend's BFF I'm not looking for any

of that stuff I need help with what is

on the inside in the best way to do do

that is to say hey I need help with dot

dot dot and then some kind of emotional

statement because if you say something

like I'm depressed you're going to get

this kind of answer because men don't

know how to respond to that and so this

is the second thing that we're going to

teach you is how to deal with that

awkwardness it's not just that we need

to say these kinds of things to get the

right kind of support it's that we also

need to learn how to deal with the

awkwardness we don't know what to say we

don't know what to do so this is where

we're like hey bro I'm depressed and

someone else is like yeah man it do be

like that sometimes and then y'all both

shrug yall fist bump and then you ceue

up for the next game so we need a way to

deal with that awkwardness and actually

feel safer in it and dive in so the next

time that you feel awkward and this is

going to be the compass don't pay

attention to what people are saying or

anything like that doesn't matter what

they say thing to pay attention to is do

you feel awkward do you not know what to

say in this conversation because that's

something that you can absolutely in ah

man confused man not know what to do

friend is depressed here man have beer

beer will help let us go play video game

do you want to play with my dog men play

with dog men feel better so when you

don't know what to do we're going to

teach you a couple of things to say it's

going to be so easy number one help me

understand that anytime a man comes to

you and says something that makes you

feel awkward or you think they're trying

to say something you can just say help

me understand that second thing you can

say is can you tell me more that's it

that's all we need to do it's actually

not that hard it's hard until you know

how to do it and we're not taught these

things it doesn't make us stupid and

it's frustrating for women because we're

not taught this stuff right so we just

know one place to go for emotional

support that's not their fault they're

getting overwhelmed by it so we need to

learn how to do this ourselves because

we are men and we have to solve our own

problems right we can't rely on other

people for help so if you're feeling

awkward just ask people hey can you tell

me a little bit more about that can you

help me understand can you tell me more

say more bro preach brother you know you

can do some of that stuff but I don't

know if that's going to move in the

right direction so this is the first

important thing that we need to learn as

men stop compartmentalizing our

relationships now the second thing that

we need to learn is how to turn anger

into accountability so a lot of what

holds Ben back is that when we have

problems in life we get pissed about it

and if you look at toxic masculine

spaces on the internet which I don't

agree that they're entirely toxic what I

mean is the space is that other people

label as toxic what you will see is a

lot of anger now anger can be good in a

lot of ways it's not our fault that we

actually feel very angry because we as

men are socialized to experience only

one emotion there's only one thing we're

allowed to do which is be angry right

and this is where people say no no no

it's like it's okay to cry like people

will say that but then if you actually

cry in front of other people you will

get punished and let's not forget all of

the other emotions because now we have a

couple of movies out there where they're

really manly men who are crying right

but they're such Heroes that it makes it

so beautiful oh my God he's crying oh my

God I love him so much but what about

anxiety oh I don't know what to do

you're a bundle of nerves you're having

a panic attack you're worried about your

future do people tolerate that not at

all and what about shame oh yeah I'm a

piece of I'm pathetic I'm this I'm

that like I don't know if I'm ever going

to amount to anything in life do people

be like oh my God that must be so hard

for you and like you like no they're

usually like no man can do go gym have

beer this will fix problem men know this

is difficult right so it's not just

women it's we don't know how to deal

with this stuff and the number one

problem with anger is that it absolves

us of accountability see anytime you

look at Angry Men there is usually not

any accountability that goes with it

once again let us look at the scientific

literature I was angry like I was

devastated that I lost her the partner

but it's because she broke up the family

unit like a lot of guys get angry

obviously and I was angry just because

she broke up the family unit you know I

couldn't get to see my daughter as much

as I wanted to so this is a very common

experience for men where we will sort of

get really upset at the women in our

lives or other people for doing us wrong

right how dare she take her daughter

away from me or my daughter away from me

oh my God we get so angry and then if

you go to an online form people will say

yeah like oh man like all women are

and they'll say things like that

right and and I think it's

understandable to be angry but there are

a couple of problems with this in this

case so here in Mick downplayed the loss

of his partner in assigning her blame

for his changed Family Access mi's lack

of introspection for his culpability in

the shift hinted at male entitlement and

patriarchy where in grievances for

losing control of his family Drew anger

rather than accountability now this is

where I don't want to get triggered by

the whole patriarchy thing but one thing

that I will say from a science

perspective generally speaking when we

get angry at things we do not take

accountability so this is forget about

the patriarchy triggering words let's

just understand this right when someone

gets angry at you for something do they

accept the blame that they had now let's

think very dispassionately generally

speaking when some when two people break

up is it usually one person's fault

usually it takes two to tango it takes

two to break up the problem with anger

from a neuroscience perspective is that

anger makes our thinking black and white

right so anytime we feel angry what

literally happens is all of our physical

peripheral vision collapses down to 30°

and the same thing happens to us

cognitively we can only see this one

thing and if you look at the real world

very few things in the real world are

black or white very few things are 100%

this person's fault the challenge is

it's not that the woman in some way is

not to blame because it takes two to

make a relationship the problem is that

when you are angry it is very difficult

for you to take accountability for your

actions so literally when pissed off men

come into my office to do Psychotherapy

we will start by decompressing the anger

once we decompress the anger then we can

appropriately assign blame we can say

this is what she did wrong what did you

do wrong and this is the beautiful thing

about doing that see if we blame the

other person 100% of the for the problem

then we can't actually control things

right because this isn't in our hands

there's nothing that I did wrong what

this means is that I am a victim to

whatever person I have a relationship

with they have all the power because

they're fully accountable and so

literally what I've seen in patterns of

men is that the more angry they get the

less accountability they take the less

accountability they take the less they

change the less they change the more

they repeat the pattern if you play a

video game and you blame your teammates

and you say oh my God all my teammates

suck you will literally stay stuck at

that MMR because you're not actually

improving at life and anger disables our

ability to improve so take a step back

don't let anger absolve you of

accountability do you have a a right to

be angry absolutely did your partner do

something wrong 100% but if you assume

that they did everything wrong and you

did everything right there is a 0%

chance of improvement for you so you

need to take more accountability and it

will be easier to do that once you

decompress Ang anger we have a lot of

other videos on the channel we have

different kinds of meditation techniques

and stuff like that through Dr K's guide

where we talk about anger and meditation

there's all kinds of stuff you can do to

decompress your anger but recognize that

as long as you're seeing black and white

and it's 100% the other person's fault

your life will never improve unless you

get lucky Now we move on to the third

thing which is that we need to stop

transforming and start accepting so if

you look at the way that men deal with

problems we all have this dream to

transform into a different Man For Whom

the problems are easier right so if I

get bullied in the classroom I'm going

to Get Swole and then I can beat them up

so I need to change into someone else to

make this work better if I feel ashamed

of myself because I'm not making enough

money I need to transform right this is

like Voltron or whatever where it's like

Power Rangers or whatever transform

Pokémon crap you want to pick anime

whatever it's why we all love that stuff

right it's all these different

Transformations from Bruce Wayne into

Batman all speak to the subconscious

dream of the man which is that I can

magically turn into whatever the world

needs for me in my day life I am a mild

mannered Clark Kent but when the world

needs me I will transform into the

Superman and all these superheroes have

alter egos that are like completely

normal people this is what we all want

and the world wants this of us too and

this absolutely Ely needs to stop

because when someone creates a problem

for you if you have to transform in

order to fix that problem who is it that

controls what you become you lose all

control over your life because once this

problem arises I need to turn into this

and once this problem arises I need to

turn into this and once this problem

arises oh now my girlfriend is unhappy

that I don't make enough money now I

need to work extra shift oh this person

I feel this person makes fun of me when

I go to the beach this means that I

can't go to the beach anymore until I

work out and I get a six-pack which

means that you're denying yourself the

beach for the rest of your life right

cuz you don't have a six-pack yet you

think you're just going to get one now

because this person made fun of you

doesn't work like that so one of the

craziest things this is such a hard

skill to learn from men is stop trying

to transform and start accepting now

this may seem very very contrary to what

you want to do because the whole point

is that oh but I I want to have a

six-pack doctor okay like okay fine I

get that but as long as you letting

other people dictate the person that you

want to become you will never find the

sustained motivation to actually do it

unless you have a a ton of resentment in

which case you can sometimes do it but

generally speaking it's not very good

instead what we really want to do is

learn to accept right this person is an

so be it am I going to let this

person dictate my life am I going to

stop going to the beach this person is

just going to make fun of me that's

going to happen sometimes it do be like

that sometimes right so the moment that

you accept and that's why that phrase is

so powerful now these external

circumstances stop controlling you and

even though you may not be able to

transform and I know it it feels really

bad because we want to become all those

beautiful things right we want to be

Superman we want to be Batman we want to

be Voltron we want all that crap but in

wanting to be all that crap how much

have you actually moved forward because

the stupid thing is that the

neuroscience and psychology of it is

that wanting to be something else out of

a dream does not create sustained

motivation it is strength it is

confidence it is groundedness these are

the things that lead to positive change

over time it is discipline and that

starts with not letting other people

dictate your actions so be it if this

person wants to bully me so be it I'm

still going to go to the gym and I'm

going to work on myself when you start

taking control of your life instead of

letting your life take control of you

that is what will actually get you to

the gym right I'm going to go to the

beach I'm not going to let this person

control now I'm in control and when I'm

in control I'm I say I'm going to go to

the gym which means I'm going to go to

the gym so if you look at it from a

evidence-based perspective we know that

there's a new kind of therapy called

acceptance and commitment therapy and

acceptance and commitment therapy is all

based around the idea that we can't

change the world outside of us all we

can do is accept it and this is a

evidence-based therapy that helps people

do things like overcome addictions

because when you accept right and we see

this in in Alcoholics Anonymous hi my

name is all and I'm an alcoholic there

is an immense psychological and

Neuroscience ific value to accepting

instead of transforming and the

beautiful thing is when we give up

transformation at least in the short

term we stop letting our circumstances

dictate who we become so I know it

sounds crazy men are getting screwed and

as usual we are responsible because

ain't no one going to help us with this

crap so we are going to come together

and we are going to help each other

right you're not in this alone I'm here

the HG Community is here there's a lot

of other people who are here to help you

thankfully there are also a lot of women

out there who are there to help us we

have those women in our community and at

the same time there are a couple of

things that we are never taught how to

do we end up compartmentalizing

relationships we don't know how to form

connections we end up channeling anger

instead of accountability which keeps us

stuck in the same cycle over and

over and over again and we all have

these dreams to transform into the

perfect man and those dreams are

triggered by our circumstances and when

we fall Vic victim to them we open

ourselves up to other people dictating

who we become we lose control over our

lives so start accepting start taking

accountability and start talking to

other men

[Music]