Acting more rational - changing our automatic behavior | Ashley Zahabian | TEDxStanleyPark
Summary
TLDRThe speaker shares a personal journey, emphasizing the difference between intelligence and emotional intelligence (EQ). Despite high IQ, the speaker faced emotional struggles, particularly during adolescence, battling with body image and anorexia. Over time, they learned the importance of emotional intelligence—becoming aware of one’s emotions and controlling reactions for better outcomes. The speaker advocates for meditation as a tool to develop EQ, offering practical steps to manage emotions in charged situations. By gaining emotional intelligence, the speaker transformed their life, unlocking opportunities in relationships and career, and encourages others to do the same.
Takeaways
- 💡 Intelligence and emotional intelligence are different; being intelligent doesn't guarantee acting intelligently.
- 🧠 Emotional intelligence involves awareness of your own emotions and the emotions of others, guiding actions and behaviors effectively.
- 👤 Emotional responses often overshadow rational thinking, which can lead to impulsive reactions.
- 🚫 Personal challenges, such as the speaker's struggle with anorexia, highlight the importance of emotional intelligence in overcoming inner demons.
- 💪 Developing emotional intelligence can lead to better outcomes in life, such as improved relationships and career opportunities.
- 🧘 Meditation is a useful tool for training the mind to handle emotionally charged situations with rational responses.
- 🐴 The analogy of training a horse is used to explain how meditation helps to gradually control emotional impulses.
- 🔎 In emotionally intense situations, it's important to recognize how you and others feel, label the emotions, and act for the best possible outcome.
- 📈 Practicing emotional intelligence daily can transform your life by allowing you to behave intelligently regardless of how you feel.
- 🌍 Emotional intelligence opens up a world of opportunities in personal and professional areas by helping manage emotions more effectively.
Q & A
What is the difference between being intelligent and acting intelligent, according to the speaker?
-The speaker explains that being intelligent is having cognitive abilities or high IQ, while acting intelligent is using emotional intelligence to guide actions. Emotional intelligence involves being aware of one's emotions and the emotions of others, and using this awareness to make better decisions.
How does the speaker define emotional intelligence?
-Emotional intelligence is defined as the ability to become aware of one's own feelings and the feelings of others, and using that awareness to guide thoughts, actions, and behaviors for better outcomes.
What example does the speaker give to illustrate a lack of emotional intelligence?
-The speaker gives the example of John, who missed a bus, got frustrated, and then took his anger out on his son by denying him permission to visit a friend. John's frustration had nothing to do with his son, but he let his emotions control his actions instead of acting intelligently.
What personal story does the speaker share to highlight the importance of emotional intelligence?
-The speaker shares a personal story about developing an eating disorder at age 14, driven by negative emotions and distorted self-image. Over time, she learned how to use emotional intelligence to control her emotions, which eventually helped her recover.
How did the speaker's experience with an eating disorder influence her understanding of emotional intelligence?
-The speaker realized that her inability to control her emotions was driving her unhealthy behaviors. After years of rehab and therapy, she learned how to manage her emotions and make rational decisions, which helped her overcome her disorder and open up new opportunities in life.
Why does the speaker say people under 25 may struggle with emotional control?
-The speaker points out that the rational part of the brain is not fully developed until around age 25, making it harder for younger people to control their emotions and make rational decisions.
What does the speaker suggest as one way to improve emotional intelligence?
-The speaker suggests practicing meditation as a way to improve emotional intelligence. Meditation helps train the mind to control thoughts and emotions, making it easier to act rationally in emotionally charged situations.
What is the significance of the horse-training metaphor in the speaker's explanation of meditation?
-The speaker compares meditation to training a horse, explaining that just as one needs to gradually build trust with a horse, one must train the emotional mind through consistent meditation to improve control over emotions.
What are the three steps the speaker recommends for handling emotionally charged situations?
-The speaker recommends: 1) becoming aware of your own and others' emotions, 2) harnessing those emotions to think about the best possible action for the best outcome, and 3) acting on that decision, regardless of how you feel.
How has emotional intelligence impacted the speaker's life after her recovery?
-The speaker shares that developing emotional intelligence has opened up numerous opportunities for her, including improved relationships, academic success, and business opportunities, all because she learned to control her emotions and act thoughtfully.
Outlines
🧠 Bridging the Gap Between Intelligence and Emotional Intelligence
The speaker reflects on the common struggle of being intellectually capable but emotionally stuck. Despite being considered highly intelligent from a young age, they found themselves frustrated and unable to progress. This led to the realization that being smart and acting smart are different. Emotional intelligence, which involves understanding and managing one's own emotions and those of others, plays a crucial role in overcoming these challenges. An example is given of 'John,' who lets frustration from missing a bus affect his interaction with his son, highlighting how a lack of emotional intelligence can lead to misplaced reactions.
💔 A Descent into Mental and Physical Health Struggles
The speaker recounts a personal crisis that began at age 14. Once a confident and popular child, they suddenly became reclusive and self-destructive, developing severe body image issues and anorexia. Despite not being overweight, they saw themselves as extremely large and, in a matter of months, lost 42 pounds, becoming severely malnourished. This period was marked by isolation, depression, and denial, culminating in a breaking point when they were taken to a doctor who warned them of the life-threatening consequences of their behavior. This moment marked the beginning of their journey to understanding the importance of emotional intelligence in overcoming such challenges.
🧘♀️ The Power of Meditation and Emotional Control
The speaker introduces meditation as a tool for developing emotional intelligence. They explain that just as athletes practice to improve performance, meditation helps one gain control over thoughts and emotions. They draw an analogy between learning to control a horse and learning to manage the emotional mind: both require time, patience, and trust-building. Meditation strengthens the rational mind, enabling better emotional regulation. This training makes it easier to respond appropriately in emotionally charged situations, as the speaker experienced through equine therapy during their recovery.
🌟 Strategies for Enhancing Emotional Intelligence
The speaker offers practical steps for improving emotional intelligence in everyday situations. First, they recommend becoming aware of one's own emotions and those of others, identifying specific feelings like anger or anxiety. Second, they suggest harnessing these emotions to think about the best possible actions for positive outcomes. Finally, they advocate for acting in line with this rational thought process, even when emotions suggest otherwise. By doing so, individuals can transform their responses and behaviors, leading to better relationships, improved career prospects, and overall personal growth. The speaker concludes by emphasizing that emotional intelligence has opened up numerous opportunities in their life, which they hope others can achieve as well.
Mindmap
Keywords
💡Emotional Intelligence
💡Intelligence
💡Frustration
💡Behavior
💡Emotional Mind
💡Rational Mind
💡Meditation
💡Self-awareness
💡Anxiety
💡Impulsivity
Highlights
Emotional intelligence bridges the gap between being intelligent and acting intelligent.
Emotional intelligence involves awareness of your own emotions and those of others, guiding your actions and behaviors.
The speaker shares personal experiences of frustration and feeling stuck, despite being deemed highly intelligent by an IQ chart.
A personal story of childhood where the speaker transitioned from a confident, popular child to experiencing severe emotional and psychological challenges at 14.
The speaker developed body dysmorphia, leading to unhealthy weight loss and physical deterioration due to distorted self-image.
A turning point came when a doctor warned that without a behavior change, the speaker's life was at risk.
The speaker emphasizes that emotional regulation, not just intellect, was crucial for her recovery and personal growth.
Meditation is presented as a powerful tool to develop emotional intelligence by helping to control thoughts and emotions.
The process of building emotional control is compared to training a horse—requiring patience and gradual trust.
Research shows that meditation strengthens the rational mind over time, improving emotional regulation.
In emotionally charged situations, the speaker suggests three steps: becoming aware of emotions, harnessing them for the best possible outcome, and acting accordingly.
Emotional intelligence is described as a key to unlocking personal opportunities in relationships, career, and academics.
The speaker shares that learning to act intelligently despite emotions opened up new business and life opportunities.
The speaker overcame severe emotional struggles through four years of rehab and daily work on emotional regulation.
A call to action: everyone can improve emotional intelligence through meditation and emotional awareness, leading to less frustration and more success in life.
Transcripts
[Music]
many bright and capable people should
move forward but they don't they're
stuck and they're frustrated and I'm not
just talking about teenagers I'm talking
about everyone in here that's older than
19 as what you see I grew up as one of
the most intelligent people in my class
I had one of the highest IQs in my
school according to this IQ chart I was
deemed super intelligent but I still
found myself stuck and frustrated and
couldn't figure out why and then I
learned something and what I learned was
that being intelligent and acting
intelligent are not the same thing go
figure when you bridge the gap between
being intelligent and acting intelligent
you acquire emotional intelligence
emotional intelligence is when you
become aware of your own feelings and
the feelings of those around you and you
use those to guide your thoughts your
actions and your behaviors you act
intelligently something I didn't do now
we are very beholden to our emotional
state
we like to act based on how we feel
let's say for example we have John John
just missed the bus by 2 minutes and
then he gets a call because now he's
late to work and he's frustrated and
angry and he gets a call from his son
that calls him and says dad can I go can
I go to my friend's house tonight and
then dad goes no home tonight early I'm
sick and tired of staying up for you
while you're out with your friends the
reason that John was upset had nothing
to do with his son but he took all of
that out on his son and you see what
John needed
right here was not his IQ it was his EQ
and if he had acted based off of his
emotional intelligence he wouldn't have
reacted that way but let's be fair you
guys are probably wondering why is 22
year old on stage talking to me about
brain science well let me take you a
little bit back to my past growing up I
had a Cinderella childhood I had amazing
friends I had an amazing family great
education I've really had it all my
father was my coach for soccer so this
girl got playing time all the time I was
the cool girl and by the time I was 13
every boy wanted to hit on me and every
girl wanted to hit me okay I was that
girl but then at 14 something came over
me and I went through this very
emotional I just started feeling
different you know when women grow older
and they go through this phase and they
just become super moody well I got what
I can best describe to you as the
teenage menopause do not come near this
girl moody did not want to come near me
and I went from being this vivacious
bouncy boy magnet to this very quiet and
secure and lonely girl all the things
that I had enjoyed soccer no more
friends no more family I even I would
lock the door at home so that I could
didn't have to talk to my family
everything I enjoyed no more I'd look in
the mirror in my room and I'd see this
immensely overweight woman but it was
all in my head
I wasn't overweight and these feelings
and demons started to take over my mind
and I'd go to sleep and I'd look down at
my stomach and say I can't eat tomorrow
because I need my stomach to be flatter
because I saw this enormous Lea over
a woman in the mirror and every time
that I would look in the mirror I'd get
bigger and bigger but every time I
stepped on the scale I'd get lighter and
lighter what was going on in a matter of
a few months
I dropped 42 pounds and I was nothing
but a bag of skin and bones my hair was
falling out my nails were falling off I
was pale I was anemic malnourished and I
just remember crying myself to sleep
almost every night listening to dreary
sad music it got so bad to the point
that I even missed my parents
anniversary everybody was out to dinner
but me I was pretending to sleep at home
so I didn't have to sit at the table
where there was food and then that night
my parents came in my room and they said
enough is enough you need help and so
that day I went to sleep crying and I
woke up my mother woke me up and she
said well going to the doctors all the
way in Somerset New Jersey about a
three-hour ride so I woke up get to the
doctor's office I'm sitting in this
Brown chair you have the doctor and then
you have my mother the doctor is taking
my vitals taking my numbers and I said
do it whatever you have to do and in my
head I'm just to get me out of here I
didn't want to be there at all and so
this doctors taking my vitals and he
turns and says actually let me have a
word with you in my office and
rightfully so
like any other mother my mom goes can I
come and the doctors let me just speak
to her alone so now I'm anxious
my mother's anxious I step into the
doctor's office and I take a seat big
leather chair that I sunk right into not
only was I small
was i small but I felt so small I felt
so unimportant so belittled and so I sat
in in this chair and like anger was
raging out of my skin and the doctor
turned to me and said Ashley you need to
change your behavior or you're going to
die die I'm thinking to myself I'm 14
years old how am I going to die
his doctor walks out goes to speak to my
mother and I'm left there in the room
and I had so much anger is raging out of
my skin because I have held belittled
and exposed I had just felt and all
these feelings were crawling up my chest
and crawling up to my head and these
demons are speaking to me and at that
moment I just sat there and I had a
meltdown the size of Manhattan and that
that moment was when I learned that
being intelligent has nothing to do with
acting intelligent at all and no matter
how smart I was up here what happens
here was a determining force of how my
life was going to play out and that's
when I knew I had to change my behavior
now I'm sure you can guess how this ends
because I'm still here
and I wish I could tell you that
crawling out of that ditch was easy but
it wasn't it took me four years of rehab
four years of homeschooling four years
of countless daily anxiety panic attacks
and tears that could fill an entire
swimming pool but what I learned and
that was the gift of emotional
intelligence I learned how to feel one
way but act another way for a better
outcome now lucky me being 22 years old
prior to age 25 the rational part of my
brain is not fully developed so
sometimes people my age or younger tend
to do things that you adults look at us
like what are you thinking what are you
doing and I'm going to stand up for all
the young ones we are not thinking we're
too busy feeling we all have an
emotional mind and we all have a
rational mind and the way things happen
no matter what age you are is that when
events occur to us it communicates with
the emotional brain before it does to
the rational brain so by the time it
reaches the rational brain it's kind of
too late you've already acted and that's
why we become so impulsive so the
question becomes how do we bring these
two together
how do we bridge that gap to create
higher emotional intelligence how do we
let these two parts of the brains
communicate well there's two ways that I
want to talk to you about today that we
can all start today to increase our
emotional intelligence number one is
meditation now you guys are probably
thinking Ashley are you telling me that
the next time
an emotionally-charged up situation you
want me to just start meditating do not
try this at home don't do that it
doesn't work what I'm saying is
meditation works like let's say for
example soccer practice growing up
playing soccer I used to go to practice
everyday but in practice we don't
necessarily shoot goals we tend to do
more drills go around cones we tend to
take it to each other run with the ball
so we know it's in control we learn how
to control the ball meditation works the
same way we learn to control our
thinking control our thoughts so that
when we get in the game like we when we
get in a soccer game and you go to shoot
you're more likely to score to get that
better outcome because you've practiced
outside of that charged-up situation so
when we meditate oftentimes lets you
focus on just one thing and oftentimes
your emotional brain gets in the way of
that let's say your very life source
your breath when you try to focus on
that your emotional brain starts to kick
in it jumps in it pushes you off and you
start thinking about your boyfriend you
start thinking about your girlfriend so
I think about your day your work your
school whatever it is and you it's so
hard to focus on just your life breath
for five minutes 10 minutes now I
remember while going through rehab we
used to play with horses it's a way of
therapy and I remember getting on that
field running straight to the horse and
I wanted to put my foot on the horse and
it pushed me it kicked me off and I fell
to the ground and my trainer came
running to me and said whoa you can't do
that you can't just jump on a horse I
said but you just did it
he said yeah I've gained control of the
horse I've have a relationship with the
horse the horse trusts me and I said
well how can I do that and he said well
you're going to have to spend weeks
looking at the horse and then you have
to spend weeks petting the horse and
then you have to spend weeks talking to
the horse and another few weeks feeding
the horse and another few weeks maybe
just putting one foot on the horse and
he said it takes time but once you can
do this and the horse doesn't feel
threatened anymore it's going to start
to trust you and it will listen to your
every command and meditation is just
like that when we meditate the emotional
mind is going to react just like that
horse it's going to push us off it's
going to kick us back and we're going to
fall to the ground we're not going to be
able to think because the emotional mind
does not trust our rational mind yet
and over time it learns to trust the
rational mind in fact research shows
that after just a few months meditating
more activity starts to occur in the
rational mind rather than the emotional
mind making us more rational and
emotionally intelligent human beings so
now that we've practiced just like
soccer practice we've been meditating
what do we do when we're actually in a
charged up situation well there are
three things that you can do starting
today that will help you when you're in
the situation when you're in the game
first become aware of how you're feeling
and how those around you are feeling
label them are you angry are you feeling
her are you feeling anxious are you shy
are you upset are you happy how are they
feeling are they shy are they upset are
they happy the second thing you can do
is to harness those emotions think about
it what is the best possible action I
can take right now for the best possible
outcome and the third thing you can do
is act on the best possible outcome
regardless of how you're feeling
sometimes we feel angry but we have to
act appropriate let's say for example
somebody cuts you off you're going to be
feeling emotionally charged up or let's
say you're at work and somebody says you
look pregnant when you're not or let's
say your husband forgets your birthday
okay that was a bad example no all bets
are off if your husband forgets your
birthday but when we're feeling
emotionally charged up we become aware
of how we're feeling and aware of how
other people are feeling and then we
harness those emotions and think about
what is the best possible outcome that I
can take right now for the best possible
solution and the third thing you do you
take that action you see I didn't know
what emotional intelligence was when I
was in that ditch I was acting on how I
felt all the time I didn't know how to
gain control of my emotions how to
recognize what they were and act against
them when needed but because I have a
whole world of opportunities have opened
up for me in my relationships in my
career I'm able to focus now and study
and do better in school I'm able to gain
these business opportunities never
happened before all because of this one
gift that I can now control how I feel
and behave everybody here you can do the
same thing you can start today to
practice at home
meditate learn your mind learn the
emotional mind become aware of it let it
kick you off a few times continue and
when you can finally do that you can
behave
differently and gain your emotional
intelligence and become unstuck and less
frustrated because of this one gift
I now have opened a world of
opportunities and you can do the same it
is not only given me my life back
it has given me so much more that I want
you to have as well
[Applause]
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