What It's Actually Like Living With OCD

Summary

In this video, Rachel, a Video Producer and self-proclaimed 'imperfect environmentalist,' candidly shares her experience with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD). She clarifies misconceptions about OCD, detailing its various forms beyond cleanliness and organization. Rachel's journey with OCD began in childhood with fears for loved ones' safety, leading to compulsive behaviors like reassurance-seeking and number assignments. She discusses the impact of OCD on her education and career, the challenges of therapy and medication, and her current coping strategies including ERP therapy, medication, and meditation. Rachel's story aims to encourage others with OCD, emphasizing the importance of support and the potential for managing the condition.

Takeaways

• 🌿 Rachel identifies as an 'imperfect environmentalist' with a love for animals and cooking.
• 🤯 Rachel suffers from Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), which she describes as exhausting.
• 🧠 OCD is often misunderstood; it's not just about cleanliness and organization but can include intrusive thoughts and various compulsions.
• 🚗 Rachel's OCD began in childhood with fears for the safety of loved ones, leading to compulsive behaviors.
• 🔢 She used to assign significance to numbers, which is a form of compulsion.
• 💊 Rachel was diagnosed with OCD at a young age and was prescribed Luvox, but therapy was not taken seriously initially.
• 🔄 OCD manifests in various compulsions for Rachel, such as rereading, touching objects, and checking.
• 📚 OCD has been a significant challenge in her education and career, particularly with time-consuming behaviors.
• 🌐 The pandemic worsened Rachel's OCD due to fear and isolation, prompting her to seek help.
• 🔄 Exposure Response Prevention (ERP) therapy, combined with medication, has been beneficial in managing her OCD.
• 📈 Rachel has made progress with therapy and medication but acknowledges the possibility of setbacks.
• 📚 Despite OCD, Rachel managed to read six books in 2020, showcasing her resilience.
• 🤝 She encourages those with OCD to seek support and not to be ashamed of their condition.

Q & A

What is Rachel's profession?

Rachel is a Video Producer.

How does Rachel describe herself in terms of environmentalism?

Rachel describes herself as an 'imperfect environmentalist'.

What mental health condition does Rachel have?

Rachel has Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD).

How does Rachel characterize her experience with OCD?

Rachel describes OCD as 'exhausting' and something that can be very different for different people.

What was the initial manifestation of Rachel's OCD?

Rachel's OCD started with a fear of bad things happening to the people she loved, manifesting in the need to touch objects until it felt right.

What was Rachel's compulsion related to cooking?

Rachel had to ask her mom for reassurance after accidentally touching a piece of food while cooking, fearing she could poison her family.

How did Rachel's OCD affect her academic life?

Rachel's OCD caused her to take longer to read and reread texts, especially during tests, which increased anxiety.

What is one of the most time-consuming compulsions Rachel experiences?

One of the most time-consuming compulsions Rachel experiences is the need to touch objects repeatedly.

How did Rachel's OCD impact her social life?

Rachel was terrified of friends finding out about her OCD and medication, fearing they would think something was wrong with her.

What is Exposure Response Prevention (ERP) and how does it relate to treating OCD?

Exposure Response Prevention (ERP) is a type of cognitive behavioral therapy used to treat OCD by setting up situations that trigger compulsions and resisting the urge to act on them, allowing anxiety to decrease naturally.

How has the pandemic affected Rachel's OCD?

The pandemic caused Rachel's OCD to spiral out of control due to increased fear and isolation, leading her to seek help and return to therapy.

What coping mechanisms has Rachel found helpful in managing her OCD?

Rachel has found medication, therapy, and meditation to be helpful in managing her OCD.

Outlines

00:00

🌿 Rachel's Introduction to OCD

Rachel, a video producer, introduces herself as an imperfect environmentalist who loves animals and cooking. She reveals her struggle with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), which she describes as exhausting. Rachel clarifies that OCD manifests differently in people and is not just about cleanliness and organization. She shares her personal OCD journey, which began at a young age with fears for the safety of her loved ones and developed into various compulsions. Rachel's compulsions included seeking reassurance, assigning significance to numbers, and performing repetitive actions to prevent imagined disasters. She was diagnosed with OCD and prescribed medication at a young age but found therapy unengaging and eventually stopped attending. Throughout her life, she has faced challenges with OCD in both her academic and professional life, including time-consuming rituals and the fear of being judged by others.

05:01

🌱 Navigating OCD and Its Impact

Rachel discusses the challenges of living with OCD, emphasizing the anxiety and compulsions that are intertwined with the disorder. She explains how everyday tasks like reading and editing can be significantly more time-consuming due to her compulsions. Rachel also shares her fears of being judged and the relief she felt when her friend Jenna reacted positively upon learning about her OCD. As an adult, Rachel has become more open about her condition and actively seeks treatment, including Exposure Response Prevention (ERP) therapy, a form of cognitive behavioral therapy that helps her confront her compulsions. She acknowledges the difficulty of maintaining progress and the setbacks she experiences, especially during stressful times. Rachel has also incorporated meditation into her routine to help manage her OCD. Despite the ongoing struggle, she feels she is in a better place than she was a year ago and has achieved personal milestones, such as reading six books in 2020. Rachel encourages others with OCD not to feel alone and to seek support from friends and family, emphasizing that OCD is a part of her life but does not define her or limit her accomplishments.

Keywords

💡OCD

OCD stands for Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, a mental health condition characterized by recurring, unwanted thoughts (obsessions) and/or repetitive behaviors (compulsions). In the video, Rachel describes her personal experience with OCD, including her compulsions and the impact it has on her daily life. For example, she mentions needing to touch objects until it 'felt right' to prevent harm to her loved ones.

💡Compulsions

Compulsions are repetitive behaviors that a person with OCD feels driven to perform according to rigid rules. In the context of the video, Rachel's compulsions include re-reading, touching objects, and reassurance-seeking. These behaviors are aimed at reducing anxiety but paradoxically consume a significant amount of her time.

💡Anxiety

Anxiety is a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease about something with an uncertain outcome. In Rachel's narrative, anxiety is a trigger for her OCD compulsions. For instance, she experiences anxiety about presentations or conversations, which then leads her to engage in compulsive behaviors to alleviate that anxiety.

💡ERP

ERP stands for Exposure Response Prevention, a type of cognitive-behavioral therapy used to treat OCD. The script describes how ERP works by setting up situations that trigger compulsions and then resisting the urge to perform them, allowing the anxiety to decrease naturally. Rachel mentions that ERP has been beneficial in managing her OCD symptoms.

💡Intrusive Thoughts

Intrusive thoughts are unwanted, involuntary thoughts, images, or impulses that cause distress or anxiety. Rachel mentions having intrusive thoughts, such as the fear of causing harm to others if she doesn't perform a compulsion, which is a common experience for individuals with OCD.

💡Reassurance-Seeking

Reassurance-seeking is a compulsion where a person repeatedly asks others for reassurance to alleviate anxiety. Rachel gives an example of this when she mentions asking her mom if it was okay after accidentally touching food while cooking, to ensure she wouldn't poison her family.

💡Medication

Medication is a form of treatment for OCD that often involves the use of selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs). Rachel discusses her experience with medication, noting that she decided to increase her dosage after the pandemic to help manage her symptoms more effectively.

💡Isolation

Isolation refers to a state of being separated from others, which can exacerbate mental health issues. Rachel's script highlights how the isolation during the pandemic caused her OCD to spiral out of control, emphasizing the importance of social connection for mental well-being.

💡Support System

A support system consists of friends, family, or other individuals who provide emotional, practical, or informational help. In the video, Rachel expresses gratitude for her support system, which has been crucial in her journey to manage OCD and reduce the stigma associated with mental health.

💡Stigma

Stigma refers to a mark of disgrace associated with a particular circumstance, quality, or person. Rachel talks about her past fear of being judged or rejected because of her OCD and medication use, illustrating the social stigma that can be associated with mental health conditions.

💡Therapy

Therapy, specifically cognitive-behavioral therapy, is a key component in the treatment of OCD. Rachel recounts her experiences with therapy from childhood to adulthood, noting its importance in helping her understand and manage her OCD symptoms.

Highlights

Rachel describes herself as an imperfect environmentalist and a video producer.

She has Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) and explains it as 'exhausting'.

OCD is often misunderstood; it's not just about cleanliness and organization.

Intrusive thoughts and various compulsions are common in OCD.

Rachel's OCD began in childhood with fears for her loved ones' safety.

She engaged in compulsive behaviors like touching objects to prevent harm.

Rachel sought reassurance frequently, a common OCD behavior.

She assigned significance to numbers as part of her OCD.

Therapy and medication were introduced to Rachel as a child.

Rachel's OCD compulsions include rereading, touching objects, and checking.

OCD affects her daily life, including work and school.

She used to fear others finding out about her OCD and medication.

Rachel now openly discusses her OCD and finds support in friends and family.

The pandemic worsened her OCD, leading her to seek help again.

Exposure Response Prevention (ERP) therapy is beneficial for OCD.

ERP involves resisting compulsions to reduce anxiety over time.

Rachel acknowledges OCD's significant time consumption.

She has made progress with therapy and medication.

Rachel emphasizes the importance of not being ashamed of seeking help.

She encourages others with OCD to reach out and not feel alone.

Despite OCD, Rachel has accomplished much, including reading six books in 2020.

Transcripts

- I know it's illogical,

objectively, I know nothing bad is going to happen,

but I still can't stop.

Hi, my name is Rachel.

I'm a Video Producer.

I'm an imperfect environmentalist.

I love animals, I love cooking,

and I have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.

If I could describe OCD in one word,

it would would be, exhausting.

OCD can look really different for a lot of people.

I feel like there's kind of this preconceived notion

that OCD is someone who washes their hands a lot,

and they need everything to be super neat,

and tidy, and organized.

But that's just not the case for everybody who has OCD.

It can be intrusive thoughts.

Like maybe when you're driving your car,

you're afraid you're just going to suddenly swerve

into oncoming traffic.

There are different types of checking compulsions.

There's contamination OCD, really hot right now,

and many other types as well.

So my OCD started around when I was eight or nine years old.

And it really started with a fear of bad things

happening to the people I loved.

So if my mom was late from getting home from work,

or my dad was flying for a business trip,

I would have to touch objects

around the house until it felt right.

And the risk was, if I didn't do it,

my mom would get into a car accident,

or my dad's plane would crash,

and then it would be my fault.

I used to ask my mom for reassurance constantly,

which is a very common OCD compulsion.

For instance, if we are cooking together

and I accidentally touched a piece of food,

while I was stirring a pot, I would ask her if it was okay,

and I needed to hear her say it was,

otherwise I thought I could poison my whole family.

I used to assign significance to different numbers.

So two was bad, three was good, five meant death.

It's so strange hearing myself talk about it out loud

because it's like, what does that even mean?

So around this time my mom took me to therapy,

and that's when I was officially diagnosed with OCD

and put on Luvox.

I remember mostly just playing card games with my therapist,

and not really taking the practice seriously.

And after a couple of years of this,

I just wanted to hang out with my friends.

And I felt like it was manageable enough

where I didn't need to be going to therapy anymore.

Since going to therapy when I was a little kid,

I have gone back a couple of different times,

in college and after college.

But then I would find that the therapy

would be too expensive or I would move.

And I would just take a break from it

and fall back into the same patterns.

OCD is an anxiety disorder,

and the anxiety and the compulsions really go hand in hand.

So the way it works is I'll have an anxious thought,

maybe I'm anxious about a presentation I have to give,

or a difficult conversation I have to have with somebody.

And then I'll try to relieve that anxious thought

by doing a compulsion.

And for me compulsions can look all kinds of things,

walking in and out of the doorway,

retracing my steps, touching different objects,

or specks of dirt on the floor,

rewriting, and rewriting, and retyping, and retyping,

touching my elbows to the back of my chair or to my bed.

Folding and refolding my clothes

when I'm putting away my laundry.

Taking my hair up and down, and up and down,

until it's perfect enough.

Picking little pieces of fuzz off of the furniture.

I'll often have to change the shirt I picked out for the day

because I'm afraid it's unlucky,

and it means I'll have a bad day.

Or avoid certain tiles when I'm walking through the kitchen.

The most time consuming thing is really just the touching,

and the touching, and the touching.

But I would say my most frustrating compulsion,

is my need to reread over and over again.

It's something that I really struggle with,

because it's not such a black and white compulsion.

Sometimes it's natural to need to reread,

because maybe you zoned out,

or you need to better comprehend something.

So any gray area for OCD is a very slippery slope,

because it just makes it that much easier

to fall into these compulsions.

OCD has absolutely been a challenge for me

when I was in school, and now when I'm working.

And really it's because it just eats up time.

Reading always took me longer in school

because of the rereading,

especially when I was taking a test,

that I was anxious about.

When it comes to work now,

I definitely struggle with OCD when I'm editing,

I have to reopen and reclose Windows, over and over again.

I will purposely drag the mouse back on the timeline.

It's like, I'm trying to make it more difficult for myself.

And shooting can also take me a lot longer

because I will have to take the same shot

over, and over, and over again

until it is up to my standards.

When I was younger, I used to be so terrified of friends

finding out that I had OCD,

or that I was on medication

because I thought they would think

something was wrong with me

and they wouldn't like me anymore.

I remember the summer before 8th grade,

I finally told my best friend, Jenna,

but only because we were going to summer camp together

and you couldn't hide

the fact that you were gonna be taking medication.

And when I told her she just had the best possible reaction.

Really, she just felt bad that I was so afraid

to come to her with it.

Now, as I've gotten older,

I am much more comfortable talking about my OCD,

and I'll pretty much talk to anybody about it

that I feel relatively comfortable with.

I can be really good about hiding my compulsions

around people I don't know very well,

but if I'm with a really close friend,

and I'm anxious enough,

it's very hard for me to hide.

When the pandemic started,

my OCD really just spiraled out of control.

This was just the combination of being so afraid,

and being so isolated, and I just knew I needed to get help.

One of the best treatments for OCD

is Exposure Response Prevention, or ERP,

which is a type of cognitive behavioral therapy.

And a lot of times people will couple this therapy

with medication.

The way ERP works is you will set up a situation

in which you are very triggered to act on your compulsions.

For instance, I might have myself unload the dishwasher,

because that's a situation in which I will often spend time

readjusting the cups in the cabinets.

And the point is to just carve out a window of time

where you resist doing the compulsions

and then just sit with the anxiety.

It's all about letting your anxiety come down naturally,

without acting on the compulsion,

so you can retrain your thought patterns.

And by doing that repeatedly,

you're continuing to weaken the control

that it has over you.

I would say that most people don't know OCD

can take up to an hour of my day,

depending on how anxious I am that day,

objectively, I know nothing bad is going to happen,

but I still can't stop.

Touch the edge of the carpet,

or you'll have a terrible first date.

Straighten out your shoes

or your best friend's plane will crash.

Ask your mom for reassurance,

or there'll be a new COVID variant.

It's just always something.

And logically, I know whether I touch an object

or don't touch an object,

it has nothing to do with anything,

but in the moment it's like,

wow, you really won't do this one thing

that's gonna take two seconds,

that will save your parents or end the pandemic?

The exposure therapy could be challenging

because I've seen myself make significant progress,

really quickly.

And it's almost like if you start a new workout routine,

and you're super motivated in the beginning,

but then after a while I get tired,

and I'll have a really stressful week.

Will slip up once and I'll slip up again.

And then suddenly I'm just back down the OCD rabbit hole.

Because I've had OCD since I was so young,

it feels like such a normal part of my life.

It's not until I take a step back

and look at what I'm doing.

It feels so silly.

It's like I'm spending hours upon hours of my life

touching and counting so that bad things don't happen.

But really the worst thing is that I'm just wasting my life.

I did cut back on my medication pretty significantly,

about five years ago,

because I was wondering if I was really being myself on it.

But since the pandemic,

and since I've started going back to therapy,

I decided I am gonna go back up on my medication,

because I do think it helps me,

and I don't need to be ashamed of that.

I also meditate almost every single day.

So adding that in has been a huge help.

I am still working on this regularly,

and I just have to realize that I am going to have setbacks,

and that I can't be so hard on myself.

But overall, I feel like I'm in a much better place

than I was a year ago.

It may not sound like a lot to some people,

but I read six books in 2020,

which is a really big deal for me.

I'm so lucky to have an amazing support system

of friends and family,

that I don't have to hide this from.

I want people who have OCD to feel less alone.

And to know that they're not the only ones

going through this.

And you're not crazy, and you're not weird,

even though you may feel like it's sometimes.

OCD is a part of my life, but it's not my whole life.

It's not who I am, and it doesn't control

what I can accomplish.

Don't be afraid to reach out to your friends and family.

Don't be afraid to ask for help,

because even if it's not perfect,

it can become a lot more manageable.

(soft music)