"I'm so OCD": the reality of OCD | Jayde Edgren | TEDxUBC

Summary

This video script narrates the personal journey of an individual with Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD), detailing their experiences with intrusive thoughts and the impact on their life. From childhood habits to severe cases like Homosexual and Pedophilic OCD, the speaker candidly discusses their coping mechanisms, the role of reassurance, and the struggle to separate their identity from their thoughts. The narrative also touches on the support from family and the resilience developed through overcoming challenges, concluding with a message of hope and self-determination.

Takeaways

• 😔 OCD is often misunderstood as being about cleanliness or extreme organization, but it's much more complex and can manifest in various ways.
• 📚 The speaker's personal experiences with OCD began at a young age and involved compulsive behaviors and intrusive thoughts.
• 🤔 Intrusive thoughts are unwanted and distressing thoughts that can persist for a long time, causing significant anxiety for those with OCD.
• 🏳️‍🌈 The speaker developed HOCD (homosexual OCD), a fear of being gay, after a seemingly innocuous event, highlighting how specific triggers can lead to OCD obsessions.
• 🔁 The speaker's experience with HOCD involved taking online quizzes repeatedly, trying to find reassurance about their sexual orientation.
• 🏛️ The speaker identified as bisexual as a coping mechanism to deal with HOCD, illustrating one strategy to manage intrusive thoughts.
• 👨‍👩‍👧‍👦 Family support is crucial for individuals with OCD, and the speaker acknowledges the love and understanding of their family despite the challenges.
• 🧐 The speaker's OCD also led to POCD (pedophilic OCD), a fear of being a pedophile, showing how OCD can manifest in various forms of intrusive thoughts.
• 💪 Overcoming OCD requires learning to separate one's identity from intrusive thoughts and developing resilience against them.
• 👶 The speaker's OCD was triggered by a traumatic childhood incident, indicating that OCD can be activated by specific events in one's life.
• 🌈 The speaker emphasizes the importance of perseverance and self-belief in overcoming challenges, drawing on personal experiences to inspire others.

Q & A

What is the first misconception about OCD that the speaker mentions?

The first misconception mentioned is that people usually think of OCD as being a germaphobe or someone who is highly organized.

How does the speaker describe their experience with OCD in terms of daily life?

The speaker describes their experience as one where OCD manifests through intrusive thoughts and compulsive behaviors, such as playing Russian Roulette with antidepressants and having a fear of lying.

What is an example of an intrusive thought the speaker experienced?

An example of an intrusive thought the speaker experienced is the fear of driving off a bridge into a river, which led to avoiding bridges, water bodies, and even placing paper towels in their mouth before sleeping to prevent drowning.

What is 'hocd' as described in the script?

Hocd, or homosexual OCD, is a type of OCD where the individual has intrusive thoughts and fears about the possibility of being gay, which is not something they desire.

How did the speaker initially cope with their hocd?

The speaker initially coped with their hocd by identifying as bisexual as a way to accept the intrusive thoughts as a possibility and to alleviate the discomfort caused by these thoughts.

What was the speaker's realization after moving to University and experimenting?

The speaker realized that they were not gay and that they had mistaken wanting to be someone with wanting to be with someone, leading to a better understanding of their own sexuality.

What is 'pocd' as described in the script?

Pocd, or pedophilic OCD, is a type of OCD where the individual has obsessive fears about the possibility of being a pedophile, often triggered by normal thoughts about children.

How did the speaker's family react to their OCD?

The speaker's family, especially the mother, was very supportive and understanding, despite the speaker saying hurtful things to them during their struggles with OCD.

What was the inciting incident that the speaker believes triggered their OCD?

The inciting incident was a misunderstanding when the speaker was five years old, where their father misheard them and accused them of having an inappropriate desire, causing a traumatic experience.

How does the speaker view their past struggles with OCD?

The speaker views their past struggles as a part of their life that has made them stronger and more appreciative of the good times, emphasizing that their experiences have shaped them into who they are today.

What advice does the speaker's economics professor give them?

The economics professor advises the speaker that 'life is what happens when you're busy making other plans,' a quote from John Lennon, to emphasize that one should not rely on others or external factors for success.

Outlines

00:00

🔍 Understanding OCD Through Personal Experience

The speaker begins by illustrating the difficulty of explaining Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD) to those unfamiliar with it, often misunderstood as mere germaphobia or excessive neatness. The narrative dives into the speaker's personal experiences with OCD, from childhood habits like responding 'maybe, maybe not' to questions due to a fear of lying, to the intrusive thoughts that can haunt individuals with OCD for extended periods. The description of intrusive thoughts is vivid, explaining how a fleeting thought for someone without OCD can become a consuming obsession for someone with the disorder, leading to avoidance behaviors and life disruptions. The speaker also touches on the development of HOCD (homosexual OCD), a specific form of OCD characterized by intrusive thoughts about one's sexual orientation.

05:01

🏳️‍🌈 Navigating HOCD and the Quest for Self-Understanding

In this paragraph, the speaker recounts their struggle with HOCD, which involved intrusive thoughts about their sexual orientation after a seemingly innocent Snapchat video. The speaker's journey includes taking numerous online quizzes to determine their sexual identity, experiencing distress over the possibility of being gay, and the fear of being treated differently. They eventually identify as bisexual as a coping mechanism, hoping to alleviate OCD's grip by accepting the intrusive thoughts as a possibility. However, after moving to university and some personal exploration, they realize they are not gay. The speaker also discusses the role of reassurance in OCD, the temporary relief it provides, and the importance of addressing the root cause of intrusive thoughts to overcome OCD.

10:10

👨‍👩‍👧‍👦 Family Dynamics and the Impact of OCD

The speaker reflects on the role of their family in their OCD journey, expressing deep gratitude for their family's support despite the hardships and emotional turmoil caused by the disorder. They acknowledge the guilt and regret from saying hurtful things to their family, especially their mother, during moments of extreme distress. The speaker discusses the concept of sunk costs in the context of their past actions, choosing to learn from these experiences and strive to become a better person. They also touch upon the chronic loneliness that resulted from their early experiences with OCD and the constant need to prove themselves to others.

15:10

🌱 Growth Through Adversity and the Power of Resilience

In the final paragraph, the speaker emphasizes the importance of overcoming adversity and the personal growth that stems from enduring tough experiences. They share their own story of academic challenges and near failure, using it as a testament to the power of resilience and determination. The speaker recounts a near academic disaster that was resolved unexpectedly, leading to a renewed sense of purpose and success. They conclude with a quote from their economics professor, attributed to John Lennon, about life's unpredictability, and a message of hope and perseverance for those facing their own struggles.

Keywords

💡OCD

Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD) is a mental health condition characterized by recurring, unwanted thoughts (obsessions) and repetitive behaviors (compulsions). In the video, OCD is the central theme, with the speaker sharing personal experiences of living with the disorder and how it manifests in various forms, such as fear of germs, the need for reassurance, and intrusive thoughts that can be debilitating and affect daily life.

💡Intrusive thoughts

Intrusive thoughts are unwanted, involuntary ideas that cause distress or anxiety. The speaker describes these as a key aspect of OCD, where such thoughts can linger for extended periods, leading to avoidance behaviors and rituals. For example, the fear of driving over a bridge or being near water due to a thought of drowning illustrates the impact of intrusive thoughts on the individual's life.

💡HOCD

Homosexual OCD (HOCD) is a specific type of OCD where the individual has intrusive thoughts related to their sexual orientation, fearing they might be gay. The speaker shares a personal story of developing HOCD after a friend sent a video, leading to a period of questioning their own sexuality and engaging in online quizzes to seek reassurance about their identity.

💡POCD

Pedophilic OCD (POCD) is another form of OCD where the individual has intrusive thoughts about being attracted to children, which is distressing and unwanted. The speaker recounts their experience with POCD after seeing a young child and feeling disturbed by the obsessive thoughts that followed, highlighting the irrational nature of OCD and its ability to create fear and avoidance around normal situations.

💡Reassurance

Reassurance is a common coping mechanism for individuals with OCD, where they seek validation from others to alleviate their distress. The speaker mentions the desire for reassurance and how it can be a temporary fix, but ultimately not a solution, as it can lead to a cycle of dependence on others' validation to feel okay.

💡Coping mechanism

A coping mechanism is a strategy used to manage stress or emotional pain. The speaker identifies identifying as bisexual as a coping mechanism to deal with HOCD, in an attempt to accept the intrusive thoughts and reduce their distress. This highlights the individual's attempt to regain control over their thoughts and emotions.

💡Inciting incident

An inciting incident is a pivotal event that triggers the onset of a disorder or a significant change in behavior. The speaker describes a childhood misunderstanding with their father as the inciting incident for their OCD, illustrating how a traumatic event can lead to the development of obsessive-compulsive symptoms.

💡Genetic predisposition

Genetic predisposition refers to the increased likelihood of developing a condition due to inherited genes. The speaker mentions that individuals with OCD have a genetic predisposition, suggesting that while the inciting incident may trigger the disorder, there is a hereditary component that makes some individuals more susceptible to OCD.

💡Chronic loneliness

Chronic loneliness is a persistent feeling of isolation and disconnection from others. The speaker reflects on the lasting impact of OCD, which has led to a sense of chronic loneliness, even when surrounded by people, due to the constant need to prove oneself and the feeling of being misunderstood.

💡Self-acceptance

Self-acceptance is the process of embracing one's identity, thoughts, and feelings without judgment. The speaker discusses the importance of self-acceptance in managing OCD, particularly in accepting intrusive thoughts as a possibility to break the cycle of distress and avoidance.

💡Resilience

Resilience is the ability to recover from or adjust easily to misfortune or change. The speaker's narrative showcases resilience in the face of adversity, emphasizing the importance of perseverance and self-determination in overcoming challenges and not allowing setbacks to define one's life.

Highlights

The difficulty of explaining Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD) to those who do not have it.

Common misconceptions about OCD, such as associating it with germaphobia or extreme organization.

Personal anecdotes illustrating the irrational fears and behaviors associated with OCD.

The concept of intrusive thoughts and their profound impact on individuals with OCD.

The development of homosexual OCD (HOCD) triggered by an innocuous Snapchat video.

The struggle with HOCD, including taking online quizzes to determine sexual orientation.

The decision to identify as bisexual as a coping mechanism for HOCD.

The realization that identifying as bisexual did not align with personal experiences and feelings.

The transition from HOCD to pedophilic OCD (POCD) after an encounter with a young child.

The challenge of overcoming POCD and the difficulty of accepting intrusive thoughts related to it.

The importance of family support in dealing with OCD and the impact on personal relationships.

The speaker's journey of self-acceptance and learning to separate character from thoughts in managing OCD.

The role of reassurance in temporarily alleviating the distress caused by intrusive thoughts.

The need to be smarter than OCD to outsmart it and the importance of addressing its root causes.

The speaker's personal growth and resilience in the face of chronic loneliness and mental health challenges.

The inciting incident that triggered the speaker's OCD and its lasting effects on their life.

The silver lining of overcoming adversity and the importance of perseverance in personal growth.

A personal anecdote about a near academic failure and the determination to overcome it.

The quote from John Lennon about life happening when you're busy making other plans, highlighting the unpredictability of life.

The absence of closure in the speaker's journey with OCD, emphasizing the ongoing nature of the condition.

Transcripts

[Music]

thank you

okay

let's begin

it's kind of hard to explain OCD to

somebody who doesn't have it

when you first mention it

the first thing people usually think of

is the germaphobe

but my Starbucks cup has been rotting on

my bedside table for the past three

weeks and probably has coveted 20 21 and

22 in it

or they'll imagine somebody who's very

highly organized

but I keep all my antidepressants in a

bowl mixed together in a bowl beside my

bed and play Russian Roulette taking

them in the dark before I sleep to see

if I wake up the next morning

see OCD is one of those things I can

only really explain in the form of

stories not words

so when I was maybe eight to ten years

old I had this habit of responding maybe

maybe not

when asked if I did something

an example being you know I'd come home

from school and my mom would ask me jade

can you put the dishes away and be like

fine

so I go over to the kitchen and I put

the dishes away

well I'd put the dishes away and then

I'd wipe down the counter a couple of

times and then I go up to my room to

play Moshi Monsters for three hours

when my mom would go into the room and

ask me hey Jade

did you uh did you put the dishes away

I'd say

maybe maybe not

because in my head the idea of there

being a molecule of the porcelain plate

on the counter

meant that the job wasn't done and if I

said I did put the dishes away and there

was a molecule of that plate on that

countertop I'd be a liar

and I had a fear of lying

so the cycle continued

Jay did you uh wash your hands after you

took that in the bathroom

Maybe

maybe not

see the main thing that people with OCD

experience that really terrorizes them

in something called intrusive thoughts

you see intrusive thoughts are unwanted

thoughts that are very very invasive and

often extremely uncomfortable

you know when you're driving over the

bridge and think to yourself really

quickly oh I could totally off-road into

the river right now

yeah somebody without OCD might think

about that thought for I don't know 5 10

maybe 30 seconds

somebody with OCD will think about that

thought for up to months

first they'll stop driving over the

bridge

because they're scared they're going to

kill themselves they won't go to the

beach or the lake

or the pool

don't go outside when it's raining

because we'll develop a fear of water

and then before they sleep they'll put

paper towels in their mouth because

they're scared they're going to drown on

their own saliva

it gets to a point where it completely

takes over your life

now that is actually one of the nicer

examples of OCD OCD finds it fun to

terrorize you and prey on whatever your

most vulnerable vulnerable or insecure

about

or it'll just be pure taboo

It's Like A Parasite on the brain

speaking of being disturbed and

vulnerable

I want to talk about something that

happened a few years ago when my friend

sent me a Snapchat video of her licking

her lips in kind of a sexual way as a

joke

it wasn't intended to be sexual

obviously it was a joke but I developed

hocd because because of it homosexual

OCD which is the fear of the possibility

of being gay

keep in mind that variance of OCD like

hocd are clinical mental problems and I

want to make that very clear

I spent all night when these thoughts

developed doing these online am I gay

quizzes

when they told me I was gay I'd retake

them and when they told me I wasn't I'd

retake them I probably took these

quizzes a hundred times 200 times

a lot of times

I didn't enjoy these thoughts they

really bothered me

they bothered me because I thought I

enjoyed them

but keep in mind when I say that they

bothered me it's not that I have

anything against gay people you know I

think gay people should be able to do

whatever they want love who they want to

love and

be happy

I also know that people are entitled to

their own opinions

even if they're wrong

but I um but I just feel like it wasn't

me

and I was afraid of being treated

differently than I already felt I was

treated

I told my dad a couple of days after

these thoughts developed

and he said he didn't mind and he

started reciting I Kissed a Girl lyrics

by Katy Perry

but the existential crisis I was dealing

with was that I didn't know whether I

like these thoughts or not and if I did

I didn't want to

over the span of a couple of months

over the span of a couple of months I

let the Gay Thoughts marinate in my

brain

and eventually I decided to identify as

a bisexual as a coping mechanism

I thought that my OCD would have nothing

to bother me if I kind of just accepted

it as a fact

I kind of told myself well

this is who I am then this is who I have

to be I'm not gonna live in my own

thoughts being uncomfortable with my own

thoughts

I also you didn't bother me much after

that but after I moved to University and

experimented a bit I realized that I

wasn't gay and then I mistook

wanting to be somebody with wanting to

be with somebody

I probably shouldn't have had to go as

far as to do some of the nasty things

that I did to come to that realization

but the realization came and for the

sake of my mental well-being I'm going

to choose to ignore the details

I don't feel like relapsing homosexually

at the moment I have a boyfriend now and

uh and I'm not too sure you'd be very

happy about that or or maybe he might

you know some guys are into that

but that was the end of my hocd now I

like to spend my time on the OCD

subreddit

talking to people who are currently

dealing with hocd and trying trying to

make their lives a little bit less

miserable

however I got under a little bit of Fire

when I told somebody who is suffering to

just you know

try it and find out

but uh yeah they didn't like that very

much I'm a big believer in trying

anything twice

but uh yeah they didn't they didn't

really agree with me on that one you see

people with OCD they crave something

called reassurance which is basically

where you need somebody else to tell you

that you're okay

and sometimes you need to give people

with OCD reassurance because it

temporarily alleviates the pain caused

by these intrusive thoughts

but because that because this

reassurance is only temporary

it's only going to lead you to wanting

more

which is why the only way to truly get

rid of it is pulling it from its root

which means accepting it as a

possibility

but sometimes accepting your intrusive

thoughts as a possibility isn't always

possible

OCD is as smart as you are you and OCD

both equally have the capability

of thinking rationally and critically on

both their sides of defense and you need

to be smarter than it in order to

outsmart it

I'm gonna have to deal with OCD and its

attempts to torture me for the rest of

my damn life

however I've learned how to deal with it

because I've learned how to separate my

character from my thoughts and that is a

lot harder than you can imagine

OCD attacks your deepest and darkest

fears and my deepest and darkest fears

are being a rapist a pedophile or gay

not saying that any of them are even

similar or on the same level of either

of them those are just my fears and it

attacked each and every single one of

them

I developed pocd shortly after hocd when

I saw a kid four years younger than me

who I thought was quite cute

pocd is

pedophilic OCD

the obsessive fear of the possibility of

being a pedophile

now pocd you know when you see I want to

stress actually

when I say the possibility when you have

OCD

anything is a possibility

I could think the Blazer that I'm

wearing is a possibility that I am I

could think that I am the shoes that I'm

wearing right now that's a possibility

because your brain just tells you all

these crazy things

so I just want to get that out of the

way

you know when you see a really cute kid

I don't know the park or the aquarium

and think to yourself oh that kid's

gonna grow up and be really pretty or

cute one day I'm just gonna say it hot

because we all think it we all think it

they even have a phrase for it oh

she's gonna grow up and be a real

Heartbreaker one day

yeah my OCD took that and turned that

into something unconventional and

disturbing very disturbing

now pedophilico city is not something

you can accept

from my experience it's something that'd

be very difficult to come out of okay if

you don't have the pre-existing skills

to separate your character from your

thoughts

I had disgusting thoughts and dreams

about underage kids and I didn't allow

myself to look at children in public for

a period of time

but the way that I got over over this is

because I came to the realization that

I've been down this road before

and I know who I am

and who I am is not a pedophile

so thankfully I got over that one

you might be wondering

sorry I'm getting a little emotional

you might be wondering where my family

was in all of this

and I want to start by saying that my

relationship with my family to this day

is better than it's ever been

I can't express the amount of gratitude

respect and admiration I have for my

family

because

growing up with OCD made things really

hard

I said things to my family that nobody

should ever say

but I said these things because I was

miserable

and they couldn't make me feel any

better

and everyone when they're a kid wants to

feel like their parents have the power

to take all their pain away but they

don't

and I continued to say these things to

them because I knew they were only

people that would let me and still love

me after

especially my mom

and I said horrible things to her

because I needed comfort from her in a

way that she didn't know how to give me

and it's not our fault

even though I treated it like it was her

fault for a really long time

and um I really wish that I could take

the things that I said back

but I can't and I have a choice to

either live the rest of my life

with that guilt

or try to try to become a better person

out of it because we call something like

that a sunk cost in economics

which is where the milk has already been

spilled

the words have already been said

and I can't take that back

but if I'm being honest having to deal

with OCD at such a young age has left me

with this feeling of chronic loneliness

it feels like no matter where I am or

who I'm around I have this urge to prove

myself to the people around me

even if they don't give me any reason or

incentive to do so in the first place

and I think that's because of the

inciting incident that caused my OCD

you see people with OCD they didn't

always have it

it occurs from an inciting incident that

happens from some point in their

lifetime

people with OCD have a genetic

predisposition for it

the OCD just kind of waits for you to

become vulnerable and then it takes over

you

so the incident that triggered my OCD

happened when I was about five years old

and before I showed any symptoms of OCD

I was kind of weird I mean I'm still

weird now but I was also weird back then

my family nicknamed me the love Thief

because I couldn't handle it when

anybody in my family showed affection to

anybody but me if I saw them showing

affection to each other I'd break them

up like a referee

I believe I got upset once the idea of

my parents making love not because I

thought it was gross but because I

thought I was missing out

foreign

so one day I went into my parents

bathroom

while my dad was taking a shower to grab

something random like a cloth or some

bar of soap and I told him

he'd turn around so I don't see your pee

pee

but you know how kids they're not really

good at pronouncing things they kind of

trip on their lip which is my way of

saying they're not they're they kind of

skip their words and they stutter

my God what a horrible situation to skip

words in because my dad thought I said

turn around so I see your pee pee

yeah so my dad lost it

um he started telling me something was

wrong with me screaming at me telling me

I needed to get my mindset checked out

and I don't blame him

I feel like he probably thought I was

going to assault him and I was like the

opposite of I was like a pedophile but

the rules were reversed so basically

every girl my age nowadays

um but I vividly remember not saying

that and it was extremely frustrating

Being Framed for something that I didn't

do especially so young

but I've kind of been you know Hanging

On by a durable thread ever since that

happened that was my inciting incident

as depressing as what I just said sounds

there's a silver lining to it I think

that people really need to go through

those really gut-wrenching hard times in

life and they need to be hurt because no

pain no gain had I never known how

miserable it felt to be lonely and

mentally ill how would I know how great

it feels not to be

and I can tell you for a fact I wouldn't

be standing where I am right now in the

place I am in my life wanting to reach

the sky had I not gone through those

really tough experiences as a kid

so all the people like me out there

that are going through really tough time

that

they won't talk about or can't talk

about

just know that it doesn't end there I am

living evidence

that it doesn't end there

I thought it would many times

I've wanted it to a dozen

but something in me told me that it

wasn't over until I said it was over

I almost got a 23 last semester in one

of my courses because I thought I

withdrew from it but apparently I didn't

send the withdrawal link

it was this was the most important

course in my transfer into business it

was economics and I'm still losing hair

from the amount of stress I went through

during this

my mom told me that I should stay in

arts because it's easier and I kind of

felt like she gave up on me even if it

came from a place of not wanting me to

be stressed

but then again I told myself it's not

over

until I say it's over

so you know after being depressed for a

little bit I got back up on my feet and

I told myself no I'm gonna finish this

course either next semester or next year

and I'm gonna go and I'm going to show

solder the business school I'm trying to

get into what I really got because it

ain't 23 percent

I kid you not the next day

when I went to have an appointment with

one of the advisors for my accessibility

program the accessibility Center

they told me I did submit that

withdrawal link their system just didn't

know my notify my advisor

my only reaction in that situation was

and guess who just aced their econ exam

the other day

thank you

my dad says if it's meant to be it's up

to me and he's right you can't rely on

anybody or the universe or your

horoscopes to get you from point A or to

point B

it's up to you

you probably expect me to give you some

closure to this roller coaster of a talk

but I'm not going to give you that

because I didn't get that and I never

will

I want to end this off with a quote my

economics professor told me

he said Jade

life is what happens when you're busy

making other plans

he told me that while I was walking him

to his car crying about not getting

granted a concession in his class

turns out he stole that quote from John

Lennon

anyways that'll be it for me guys thank

you so much for listening