How To Be More Loving

Summary

The video script explores the profound concept that behind the difficult behaviors of both children and adults lies a similar psychology of pain and hurt. It suggests that adults, despite their age and capabilities, should be viewed through the same lens of understanding and empathy as children, whose actions are often seen as a response to discomfort or distress. The narrative challenges the common tendency to dismiss adult misdeeds with simplistic labels, advocating instead for a deeper, more compassionate investigation into the root causes of such behavior. It highlights the importance of psychotherapy in revealing the origins of negative traits and emphasizes the need for a more nurturing approach to correction and rehabilitation, regardless of age.

Takeaways

• 🤔 The core idea is that all humans, regardless of age, share a similar psychology behind their wrongdoings, rooted in pain or discomfort.
• 👶 Children elicit more empathy due to their innocence and the visible causes of their misbehavior.
• 🧠 Adults possess more reasoning powers but their negative actions often stem from unaddressed pain or past experiences.
• 💭 Understanding the root causes of misbehavior in both children and adults can lead to more compassionate responses.
• 🧩 The tendency to label adults without exploring their motivations overlooks the shared human vulnerability.
• 🔍 Psychotherapy plays a crucial role in uncovering the origins of negative behaviors and emotions.
• 🛌 The approach to young and adult offenders should be more aligned, focusing on understanding and healing rather than mere punishment.
• 🏛️ The justice system often fails to extend the empathetic approach used in youth institutions to adult prisoners.
• 💔 The concept of 'evil' is redefined as a consequence of unhealed emotional wounds, not an inherent trait.
• 🤝 Offering sympathy and understanding towards the causes of wrongdoing can transform our perception of those who commit them.
• 🌱 The script encourages a shift from judgment to curiosity about the underlying reasons behind people's actions.

Q & A

What is the main premise of the transcript?

The main premise of the transcript is that both adults and children, despite their differences in age and capabilities, commit wrongful acts for similar underlying reasons, which are often rooted in pain, discomfort, hurt, or emotional wounds. It emphasizes the importance of understanding these causes with empathy and love.

Why does the transcript suggest that children's actions are easier to understand?

The transcript suggests that children's actions are easier to understand because their reasons for acting 'badly' or tricky are often more transparent and directly related to their immediate feelings of discomfort, hurt, or fear, unlike adults whose motivations may be more complex and hidden.

What is the common misconception about adults when they exhibit harmful behavior?

The common misconception about adults when they exhibit harmful behavior is that they are inherently bad or malicious, disregarding the fact that, like children, their actions may be a response to unaddressed emotional wounds or past traumas.

How does the transcript challenge our typical response to adult misbehavior?

The transcript challenges our typical response to adult misbehavior by proposing that we should consider the underlying causes of such actions, similar to how we naturally explore the reasons behind children's behavior, and that understanding these causes can lead to a more empathetic and constructive approach to dealing with wrongdoings.

What role does psychotherapy play in understanding human behavior according to the transcript?

According to the transcript, psychotherapy plays a central role in helping us uncover the often unobvious connections between a symptom (such as boastfulness, anger, or a satirical manner) and its root cause, such as fear, terror, or a longing for emotional connection.

Why does the transcript argue for a different approach to young and adult offenders?

The transcript argues for a different approach to young and adult offenders because it posits that both groups may have committed their crimes due to similar psychological reasons, and thus, both deserve a degree of sympathy and empathetic investigation to understand and address the root causes of their actions.

What is the significance of the analogy of 'infants in a cradle' in the context of the transcript?

The analogy of 'infants in a cradle' signifies the idea that regardless of age, all individuals carry within them an innocent, vulnerable core that may have been shaped by experiences of pain or trauma, and recognizing this can lead to a more compassionate understanding of their actions.

How does the transcript view the current prison system's approach to young versus adult offenders?

The transcript views the current prison system's approach as discriminatory, suggesting that while young offenders are treated with a degree of kindness and hope, adult offenders are often dismissed as knowing better and are not given the same opportunity for empathetic investigation or rehabilitation.

What are some examples of adult behaviors that the transcript suggests may have roots in unaddressed emotional issues?

The transcript suggests that behaviors such as boastfulness may have roots in fear, anger may mask terror, and hatred can be a defense against love. It also implies that a haughty or satirical manner may be a shield against a longing for emotional connection or to compensate for feelings of invisibility.

How can understanding the psychological origins of behavior transform our perspective, according to the transcript?

According to the transcript, understanding the psychological origins of behavior can transform our perspective by allowing us to see the person behind the act, recognizing their struggles and pain, and potentially leading to more compassionate and constructive responses, even when we remain appalled by their actions.

What is the revolutionary idea proposed in the transcript regarding human behavior?

The revolutionary idea proposed in the transcript is that the reasons why both little children and adults do wrong are fundamentally the same, despite differences in age and capability, and that understanding these reasons can lead to a more empathetic and effective approach to dealing with harmful behavior.

Outlines

00:00

🤗 Understanding the Roots of Human Misbehavior

This paragraph discusses the concept of viewing others with a loving attitude by recognizing that, regardless of age, we are all essentially children at heart. It challenges the common perception that adults are fundamentally different from children, highlighting that adults possess greater reasoning abilities and a stronger sense of right and wrong. However, the text argues that children's actions, though seemingly 'bad,' often stem from pain or discomfort, and their motivations are usually understandable. In contrast, adults' misbehaviors are often dismissed without considering the underlying causes. The paragraph emphasizes the revolutionary idea that the reasons behind wrongdoings in both children and adults are the same, suggesting that 'evil' is a consequence of injury. It calls for a patient and humane approach to understanding the wounds that lead to such behavior, whether it's in a small child or a grown adult. The importance of exploring the origins of transgressions is stressed, as it can lead to a transformed perspective on the individuals committing them.

05:06

🌱 The Continuum of Young Offenders

This paragraph delves into the treatment of young offenders versus adults in the criminal justice system, highlighting the empathetic and hopeful approach taken with those under eighteen. It contrasts this with the punitive measures typically applied to adults, who are often seen as having known better and thus deserving of harsher treatment. The text argues that everyone, regardless of age, can be considered a 'young offender' in a sense, as we all make mistakes and require understanding and empathetic investigation. The paragraph suggests that the same compassionate approach used for young offenders should be extended to adults, acknowledging that even those who have committed crimes remain, at some level, like infants in a cradle. It underscores the importance of recognizing the potential for growth and change in all individuals, and the value of psychotherapy in uncovering the often obscured connections between behavior and its underlying causes.

Keywords

💡Loving Attitude

A loving attitude refers to a compassionate and caring approach towards others, recognizing their humanity and inherent value. In the context of the video, it suggests that we should extend this compassionate view to all individuals, regardless of their actions or age, by understanding the underlying causes of their behavior.

💡Adults and Children

Adults and children are two distinct stages of human development, with adults typically possessing greater reasoning abilities and moral judgment compared to children. However, the video script challenges this perception by suggesting that the psychological reasons behind 'bad' behavior in both groups may be more similar than commonly acknowledged, rooted in pain or discomfort.

💡Psychology

Psychology is the scientific study of the human mind and its functions, particularly those affecting behavior in a given context. In the video, psychology is used to explore the underlying causes of 'badness' and difficulty in both children and adults, revealing that these traits are often the result of pain or hurt rather than inherent characteristics.

💡Injury

Injury, in this context, refers to emotional or psychological harm that can lead to negative behaviors or actions. The video posits that both children and adults may exhibit undesirable behavior as a consequence of unaddressed injuries, which could be in the form of pain, discomfort, hurt, or wounds.

💡Evil

Evil is typically defined as extreme wickedness or moral wrongness. In the video, the concept of evil is reevaluated, suggesting that what we perceive as evil actions are often consequences of unhealed injuries rather than inherent qualities. The video encourages a deeper understanding of the root causes of such actions.

💡Patience and Humanity

Patience and humanity refer to the qualities of being tolerant, understanding, and compassionate towards others. In the video, these traits are highlighted as essential for seeking and understanding the underlying reasons behind people's actions, regardless of how abhorrent they may seem.

💡Psychotherapy

Psychotherapy is a therapeutic practice that aims to help individuals resolve mental, emotional, or behavioral issues. The video notes the central role of psychotherapy in uncovering the connections between symptoms and their root causes, thereby offering a framework for understanding the psychology behind negative behaviors.

💡Young Offenders

Young offenders are individuals who have committed crimes while under the age of criminal responsibility. The video script argues that the approach taken with young offenders, which is more focused on understanding and addressing the causes of their behavior, should also be applied to adults, as it recognizes that the psychology behind transgressions is similar across age groups.

💡Wounds

Wounds, in the context of the video, refer to emotional or psychological traumas that can lead to negative behaviors or actions. The video posits that understanding the wounds behind an individual's actions is key to fostering a more compassionate and empathetic view of their behavior.

💡Symptom and Genesis

A symptom is an outward sign or indication of a condition, while the genesis refers to the origin or cause of that condition. In the video, the connection between symptoms (such as negative behaviors) and their genesis (the underlying emotional or psychological issues) is explored as a means of understanding and addressing the root causes of wrongful actions.

💡Empathetic Investigation

Empathetic investigation refers to the process of understanding and exploring the feelings, thoughts, and experiences of others with compassion and sensitivity. In the video, empathetic investigation is presented as a crucial approach for addressing wrongful behavior by seeking to understand the underlying causes and motivations, rather than simply condemning the actions.

Highlights

The core idea that developing a loving attitude involves recalling everyone's childlike nature, even in the face of their difficulties.

Adults possess superior reasoning and moral judgment compared to children, yet they can still cause significant harm.

Children's innocence and physical features evoke tenderness and understanding in us, despite their occasional misbehavior.

The 'badness' in children is often a response to pain, discomfort, hurt, or wound, rather than an inherent trait.

Adults' negative behaviors are not typically attributed to underlying causes, but rather simplified to labels like 'cruel' or 'insane'.

The revolutionary concept that the reasons behind wrongdoings in both children and adults are fundamentally the same.

The psychological roots of malice and anger are the consequences of injury, regardless of age or size.

The importance of seeking the wounds behind people's actions as an act of love and extraordinary patience.

The moral and practical challenges of understanding the origins of transgressions without condoning the behavior.

The transformative power of knowing the full stories behind wrongdoers, altering our perspectives on their actions.

The application of psychotherapy in uncovering the hidden connections between symptoms and their roots.

How common personality traits like boastfulness or a satirical manner may stem from deeper emotional needs or past experiences.

The disparity between the treatment of young offenders and adult prisoners, despite the underlying similarities in their psychological needs.

The argument that all individuals, regardless of age, require empathetic investigation and understanding for their 'crimes'.

The mental feat required to view even the most harmful individuals as still possessing an infant-like innocence at their core.

Transcripts

Perhaps the finest way to develop a loving attitude towards other people is to recall,

in the face of their difficulty, that we are, in the end, all children.

The claim is an odd one. Adults are clearly not children. They have powers of reasoning

that quite outstrip those of younger people, they have options and a sound grasp of right

and wrong, they are capable of causing serious damage; they should know better.

Children, on the other hand, are well-known for their powers to melt our hearts. Partly

this has to do with their physical appearance: with their unusually large eyes, their full

cheeks, their unthreatening statures, their tiny fat fleshy fingers. But ultimately, the

child attracts our tenderness because, when they act in ‘bad’ or tricky ways, it tends

to be easy to work out why they have done so: they hit their little sister because they

were feeling left out; they started to steal things from the other children because their

parents were going through a divorce; they ran away from the party without saying goodbye

because they were panicked by a sense of unworthiness.

Overall, when it comes to the psychology of children, we discover a surprising and hugely

gentle truth: that ‘badness’ and difficulty are, invariably, the result of some form of

pain, discomfort, hurt or wound. The child does not start by being dreadful, they become

so in response to injury, fear or sorrow.

With adults on the other hand, confronted by nasty or terrible behaviour, our thoughts

do not - for understandable reasons - generally turn to imagining why it might have occurred.

We’re satisfied with nimble and compressed reasons: because they’re an arsehole, because

they’re crazy. This will do for now.

And yet it is always open to us to wonder why someone acted as they did - and here we

are liable to stumble on an always provocative and properly revolutionary idea: the reason

why little children and big people do wrong is - despite the differences in age and size

- exactly the same. One category may be no bigger than a chair, the other can be gigantic

and able to carry guns, post lengthy screeds online or start and bankrupt companies, but

in the end, the psychology of blunder, meanness and anger is always the same: evil is a consequence

of injury. The big person did not start off evil, their difficult sides were not hard

wired from the start, they grew towards malice on account of some form of wound waiting to

be discovered.

It is work of extraordinary patience and humanity - it is the work of love - to go in search

of what these wounds might be. To search is morally frightening because we too easily

imagine that it might require us to wind up thinking well of behaviour we know is abhorrent:

it doesn’t at all, we can remain appalled while simultaneously tracing a path back to

the true catalytic factors. The work can also be practically frightening because we imagine

that it might require us to leave someone at liberty to cause us or others yet more

pain: but again, we can keep the wrong doer safely behind very high bars, even as we sensitively

explore the origins of their violations.

Once the full stories of our trespassers become known, our perspective may swiftly rework

itself. The bully who pursued us online had once worked as a porter, then been fired some

years back and fallen into depression and was facing the bankruptcy courts. The angry

populist politician was remorselessly belittled by a powerful father. The sexually impulsive

person used their addiction to calm themselves down from some unmasterable anxieties related

to early emotional neglect. Our judgement on behaviour never has to change; our sense

of why it occurred can be transformed.

The discipline of psychotherapy has been central in helping us to chart the sometimes unobvious

or contrary connections between a symptom and its genesis. Boastfulness may have its

roots in fear; anger can mask terror; hatred can be a defence against love. The haughty

air of the grown up can take hold as a way of compensating for invisibility. A satirical

manner can be a shield against an exiled longing for sweetness.

THe prison system in most countries tends to place people below the age of eighteen

in separate young offenders’ institutions, which treat inmates with a degree of kindness

and hope - in order to delve into the psychology of transgression with a view to understanding

and overcoming its causes. But after this age, for the most part, prisoners are locked

up in bare cells and the key is - metaphorically - thrown away. They should, after all, have

known better.

And yet we are all, as it were, young offenders, however old we might actually be; in other

words, we all need our crimes to be treated with a degree of sympathy and empathetic investigation.

It is an exquisite feat of mind to be able to imagine them as always still, at some level,

infants in a cradle.