Partners of Trans Series Part 5 | Reality & Withdrawal Phase
Summary
TLDRIn diesem siebenteiligen Videoserie-Teil beschreibt Dr. Yama Clean Up, eine Psychologin, die sich auf transgener Care spezialisiert hat, die fünf Hauptphasen, durch die Partner von transgeschlechtlichen Personen in Beziehungen tendenziell gehen. Im vierten Teil, der 'viszeralen Phase', werden die Herausforderungen und Gefühle des Rückzugs und der emotionalen Isolation thematisiert, die Partner nach der Auseinandersetzung mit der Realität der Geschlechtsumwandlung ihrer Partner durchleben. Es wird betont, wie wichtig es ist, sich Zeit zu nehmen, um über die eigenen Gefühle und die Zukunft der Beziehung nachzudenken, und Empfehlungen für Unterstützung durch Therapeuten werden gegeben.
Takeaways
- 🌈 Die Serie von Dr. Yama ist spezialisiert auf die Fürsorge von Partnern von transidentifizierten Personen und soll ihnen helfen, die Herausforderungen zu verstehen, denen sie gegenüberstehen.
- 🔑 In der vierten Phase des Prozesses, nach der initialen Schock- und Verhandlungsphase, tritt eine viszerale oder Realitätsphase auf, in der die Partner tiefgreifende Emotionen wie Trauer und möglicherweise Depression erleben.
- 😔 Die Realitätsphase kann als eine Art Trauerphase betrachtet werden, in der Partner mit der Veränderung ihres Partners und ihrer Beziehung konfrontiert sind, was zu einer emotionalen Entfernung führen kann.
- 🏠 Es wird betont, dass es für Partner normal ist, alte Erinnerungen und Fotos zu meiden, da sie mit den Veränderungen im Leben ihres Partners nicht in Einklang zu bringen sind.
- 🤔 In dieser Phase ist es wichtig für Partner, sich selbst Zeit zu nehmen, um zu reflektieren und sich Gedanken über die Zukunft der Beziehung zu machen, ohne aus der Not heraus entscheiden zu müssen.
- 👨⚕️ Dr. Yama empfiehlt Partnern, in dieser Phase einen Therapeuten zu suchen, der ihnen helfen kann, ihre Gefühle und Gedanken zu verarbeiten, ohne Urteile zu fällen.
- 👪 Familie und Freunde können in dieser Zeit eine Herausforderung darstellen, indem sie den Partnern nahelegen, die Beziehung zu beenden, was jedoch nicht immer hilfreich oder angemessen ist.
- 🚫 Es wird betont, dass Beziehungen, die aus Mitleid oder Schuld gehalten werden, nicht funktionieren und dass es in Ordnung ist, sich selbst und seine eigenen Bedürfnisse zu betrachten.
- 🔄 Die Veränderungen, die ein transidentifizierter Partner durchläuft, können auch neue Aspekte seiner Persönlichkeit offenbaren, was die Beziehung weiter komplizieren kann.
- 📚 Dr. Yama spricht von der Notwendigkeit, Geduld zu haben und nicht schnell, radikale Entscheidungen über die Beziehung zu treffen, sondern zu sehen, ob eine Anpassung und Lösung möglich ist.
- 💔 Schließlich wird anerkannt, dass es legitim ist, wenn Partner entscheiden, die Beziehung aufzugeben oder fortzusetzen, und dass dies keineswegs bedeutet, dass sie ihre Partner nicht unterstützen oder lieben.
Q & A
Was sind die fünf Phasen, die Dr. Yama in seinem siebenteiligen Video beschreibt?
-Die fünf Phasen sind: 1) Coming out, 2) Initial shock, 3) Verhandlungsphase, 4) Viszeralphase (Realitätsphase), und es gibt auch eine fünfte Phase, die im nächsten Teil des Videos erläutert wird.
Was passiert in der Viszeralphase, die Dr. Yama als Realitätsphase beschreibt?
-In der Viszeralphase treten die wahren Gefühle und Realitäten zutage, was zu emotionaler Entfernung, möglicherweise Depression und Trauer über die Veränderung der Beziehung führen kann.
Warum kann es schwierig sein, alte Fotos oder Erinnerungen während der Viszeralphase zu betrachten?
-Während der Viszeralphase kann es schwierig sein, alte Fotos oder Erinnerungen zu betrachten, weil sie die Veränderungen in der Beziehung und das, was sich verändert hat, stärker betonen und die Trauer über das, was verloren geht, verstärken.
Was empfiehlt Dr. Yama den Partnern in Bezug auf die Suche nach professioneller Unterstützung?
-Dr. Yama empfiehlt den Partnern, während der Viszeralphase, eine Therapeutin oder einen Therapeuten zu suchen, um Unterstützung und einen sicheren Raum zum Ausdrücken ihrer Gefühle zu finden.
Warum ist es wichtig, dass Partner in dieser Phase Zeit nehmen, um Entscheidungen über ihre Beziehung zu treffen?
-Es ist wichtig, Zeit zu nehmen, um sicherzustellen, dass man nicht aus dem impulsiven Schmerz heraus entscheidet, sondern eine fundierte Entscheidung trifft, die sowohl für die eigene als auch für die Beziehung langfristig nachhaltig ist.
Was sagt Dr. Yama über das Pity-Phenomen in Beziehungen?
-Dr. Yama betont, dass Beziehungen, die auf Mitleid basieren, nicht funktionieren und dass es in Ordnung ist, wenn Partner entscheiden, ob sie in der Beziehung bleiben oder gehen, basierend auf ihren eigenen Bedürfnissen und Gefühlen.
Wie kann die Trans*-Partner während der Viszeralphase unterstützend sein?
-Die Trans*-Partner können unterstützend sein, indem sie Raum geben, aktiv zuhören, nach Ressourcen suchen, wie Therapeuten, und emotionale Energie spenden, statt sie zu entziehen.
Was sagt Dr. Yama über die Bedeutung von Geschlecht und Sexualität in Beziehungen?
-Dr. Yama betont, dass Geschlecht und Sexualität wichtige Aspekte in Beziehungen sind und dass es normal ist, dass diese Faktoren die Entscheidungen über den Verbleib in einer Beziehung beeinflussen.
Wie kann die Trans*-Partner während der Viszeralphase ihre eigenen Energien wiederherstellen?
-Die Trans*-Partner können versuchen, sich selbst Zeit zu nehmen, um sich selbst zu pflegen, möglicherweise durch das Suchen nach professioneller Hilfe oder durch das Teilen ihrer Gefühle in einem unterstützenden Umfeld.
Was sagt Dr. Yama über das Ende von Beziehungen und das Starten neuer Kapitel?
-Dr. Yama sagt, dass das Ende von Beziehungen und das Starten neuer Kapitel Teil des Lebens sind und dass es wichtig ist, diese Phasen mit Respekt und Anerkennung zu behandeln.
Outlines
🌟 Phase der Realitätskonfrontation und emotionalen Distanzierung
In diesem Abschnitt des Videos beschreibt Dr. Yama Clean Up die vierte Phase, die Partner von transidentifizierten Personen durchlaufen können. Nach der Phase der Verhandlung und der Frage des Fairness tritt eine 'viszeral' oder 'Realitätsphase' auf, in der die Partner mit tiefgreifenden Emotionen konfrontiert werden. Dies kann zu einer emotionalen Distanzierung und sogar zu depressiven Symptomen führen. Die Partner fühlen sich möglicherweise traurig und greifen um, wie man mit diesen Änderungen in der Beziehung umgeht. Dr. Yama Clean Up betont, dass es in dieser Phase wichtig ist, alte Fotos und Erinnerungen zu betrachten und sich mit den Veränderungen auseinanderzusetzen, die der Übergang mit sich bringt.
🤔 Phase der Rückzug und Isolation
In diesem Teil des Videos wird die Notwendigkeit für Partner, sich selbst Raum zu geben, um zu reflektieren und ihre Gefühle zu verarbeiten, hervorgehoben. Es wird betont, dass es in dieser Phase weniger um das Fairnessgefühl geht, sondern mehr um die persönliche Entscheidung, ob man die Beziehung beibehalten oder beenden möchte. Dr. Yama Clean Up empfiehlt, in dieser Zeit einen Therapeuten zu suchen, der Unterstützung bietet und einen sicheren Raum für die Auseinandersetzung mit diesen komplexen Gefühlen schafft. Es wird auch auf die Rolle der Familie hingewiesen, die möglicherweise Druck ausüben kann, die Beziehung zu beenden, was jedoch nicht immer hilfreich ist, da es wichtig ist, dass Partner die Zeit nehmen, um sich selbst und ihre Gefühle zu verstehen.
🤝 Unterstützung und Verständnis für Partner
In diesem Abschnitt des Videos wird die Rolle der transidentifizierten Partner in der Beziehung während dieser schwierigen Phase für ihre Partner betont. Es wird erklärt, dass es wichtig ist, dass transidentifizierte Partner in dieser Zeit Unterstützung bieten und Raum geben, um den Bedürfnissen ihrer Partner gerecht zu werden. Es wird auch auf die Herausforderungen hingewiesen, die transidentifizierte Personen in dieser Phase möglicherweise erleiden, wie z. B. die Neuentdeckung ihrer Geschlechtsidentität und die damit verbundene Aufregung. Es wird betont, dass es für beide Partner wichtig ist, sich mit den Veränderungen auseinanderzusetzen und zu verstehen, dass Beziehungen nicht immer einfach sind und dass es in solchen Situationen Raum für Selbstreflexion und Unterstützung geben sollte.
💔 Entscheidungsfindung und Selbstbetrachtung
In diesem letzten Teil des Videos wird die Notwendigkeit für Partner, sich selbst und ihre Bedürfnisse ernsthaft zu prüfen, hervorgehoben. Es wird betont, dass es in Ordnung ist, Entscheidungen über die Fortsetzung oder Beendigung der Beziehung zu treffen, und dass dies keineswegs aus Gründen der残酷 oder Unverschämtheit geschieht. Es wird ermutigt, die Beziehung nicht aus Mitleid oder Schuld zu beibehalten, sondern aus einer ehrlichen Übereinstimmung mit den eigenen Bedürfnen und Wünschen. Dr. Yama Clean Up teilt, dass es wichtig ist, die Beziehungen als Kapitel in einem Buch zu sehen, in dem manchmal Kapitel enden müssen, um Raum für neue zu schaffen. Es wird auch auf die Bedeutung der Zeit und der Investition in die Beziehung hingewiesen, um zu sehen, ob eine Anpassung und Lösung möglich ist.
Mindmap
Keywords
💡Transgender
💡Coming Out
💡Initial Shock
💡Negotiation
💡Visceral Phase
💡Grieving
💡Emotional Withdrawal
💡Therapy
💡Support
💡Adaptability
Highlights
Dr. Yama discusses five primary phases partners of transgender individuals may experience.
Phase one involves coming out and the partner's initial reactions.
Phase two is characterized by initial shock, leading to catastrophizing or denial.
Phase three sees the introduction of negotiation and a sense of fairness.
Phase four is described as the 'visceral' or 'reality' phase, where emotional withdrawal and sadness set in.
Partners may feel as if they are grieving the loss of the relationship or their partner as they knew them.
The reality of the situation can lead to feelings of depression and a sense of loss.
Dr. Yama emphasizes the importance of partners seeking therapy to process their emotions.
Family members may pressure partners to end the relationship during this challenging time.
The idea that relationships are like ceramic vases is introduced as a metaphor for the difficulty of repair.
Partners may experience a withdrawal from participating in their trans partner's transition.
Trans partners are advised to give space and be supportive during this phase.
The concept of gender being a significant factor in relationships is explored.
Dr. Yama encourages partners to take time and not rush into making decisions about the relationship.
The idea that relationships are chapters in a book is used to explain the potential for endings and new beginnings.
The importance of partners' self-assessment and making decisions based on their own well-being is stressed.
Dr. Yama validates the partners' feelings and the difficulty of the situation, acknowledging that it's okay to prioritize oneself.
The video concludes with an invitation for viewers to share their experiences and thoughts on the discussed phase.
Transcripts
[Music]
hi everyone i'm doctors yama clean up
psychology specializing in transgender
care welcome to my channel this is a
partner series that i have created for
partners of trans identified individuals
in relationship whatever relationship is
for you it's also serious for a trans uh
partners themselves to watch to
understand what partners are going
through
and i'm describing in this seven part
video i'm describing uh five primary
phases that i have observed people tend
to go through whether in a linear or
non-linear process or all over the place
interface number one just to recap we
talked about coming out and what partner
may be feeling
in a phase number two we talked about
initial shock and how that stands to let
people to either catastrophize or be in
denial in the face number three we
talked about how negotiation sets in and
a sense of what's fair what's not fair
tends to kick in the righteousness and
stands to kick in
now in this fourth phase after the face
of negotiation can all this what's right
this is not fair
um i don't really deserve this
in this phase what's happening i call it
a visceral face this is when all of the
feelings really hidden this is i would
even call a reality face that's even
better words but it's a reality phase
when things kick in and as a result of
things kicking in you are starting to
emotionally withdraw you're starting to
feel perhaps depression as a partner
you're starting to feel
a lot of sadness you're starting to have
all of these feelings it's almost in a
sense as if you're grieving uh the loss
of a relationship it's almost you a
sense you're grieving the loss of your
partner
that you knew before
this can be a very very challenging face
this is not only when the reality kicks
in but this is also where you now moved
away from what's fair and what's not
very because that this type of thinking
of fairness a lot of times has more to
do with angry feelings uh we feel
righteous when we feel angry and feel
like something has been taken away from
us and in this case you may feel like
something has been truly taken away from
you
in this reality check phase
sadness overwhelming sadness can come in
you may be feeling overly emotional you
may be feeling like i said you may even
fall into depression this can be a
really difficult phase for the partners
as you realize what's really going on as
you realize that things in your
relationship things in your marriage
will never be the same as you realize
that
the person you knew to a certain extent
is changing and your partners do change
they're still the same people but a lot
of things about them are going to change
as a byproduct of transition this is
where you have a hard time seeing
pictures old photographs maybe
photographs of your marriage maybe
photograph stuff
traveling on a trip
uh maybe you're going out to the
restaurants and you dine with your
partners and it just doesn't feel the
same
uh you don't feel the same you're still
adapting to this
new gender expression they're presenting
this you're just still adapting to the
whole reality of the situation
um so this is quite a bit of a grieving
you know a lot of times people use the
words um grieving
widow or
as if you're really
putting your partner to
bearing your partner uh in a sense
metaphorically but i think for a lot of
partners it's different it's not that
you are necessarily bearing your partner
because a lot of you are very smart and
intelligent and you realize that your
partner still by far and large very much
of a lot of aspects of your partners
their personality and temperament is the
same person their likes and dislikes
but you are putting this element of
memory this narrative the script the
storyline that you have created
about your life we all have storylines
about our lives we all have ways we
envision our lives ways we envision
our relationship especially we all have
dreams sometimes if your relationship is
very young if you're young couple and
you're going through this some of your
dreams and aspirations that you had you
may be realizing they may not happen uh
you may realize that they're gonna look
different you may realize that they may
be different as a result you're going to
feel things
it's inevitable to feel things it's hard
for us as human beings to give up
expectations and we do have expectations
we do have desires how we want things to
be we do have dreams we do have all of
those things so you're realizing things
are changing things are never going to
be quite the same they're going to be
different and that's
good
um
but at the same time they're not going
to be quite the same so this is a very
much a reality face and that's when the
vistrol comes in as a result of this
reality
you as partner most likely often what i
see
start to withdraw emotionally and
isolate from your trans partner and the
reason why you're part of the reason why
you tend to destroy and isolate is
because part of you needs your own space
it's almost as if you need to regroup
you need to
really assess where you at what's
happening
this is after the all the fair was not
fair you're not even thinking about that
anymore you're not angry perhaps maybe a
little bit angry but most likely you're
less angry this is the time when you're
starting to think and
you know truly starting to now think and
exercise your sense of agency and asking
yourself if this is something for you
um if there's something for you so this
is a very important phase for you and
this is as partners this is when i
recommend absolutely trying to seek out
a therapist that you can work with where
you can have somebody that you can
express without any judgment everything
that comes up that you're feeling all of
the sadness and grief you feeling
without any judgement and to have that
room to have somebody support you as you
go through this it's a difficult phase
for partners because this is when um
your family is going to chime and this
is where your parents depending on your
age
and if your parents are around your
parents are going to chime in because
you're going to see your pain they're
going to see you sadness and this is
when they're going to start saying this
is not worth it you really need to live
relationship you really need to end it
you don't deserve this
not the most helpful thing at the
strength time period to
uh really listen to what they have to
say because they're really trying to
protect you because they're seeing the
pain but you really need to give
yourself time to practice the pain
you're feeling instead of jumping into
drastic decision making about your
relationship
my mom always has this phrase
that relationship are like of us
it's easy to break a ceramic class but
even when you break the vas even if you
glue it together you still see all of
the cracks relationship is like that
it's easier to
end relationship to say i'm done to walk
away it's harder when you get together
to really repair all that hurt and
things to say to each other all of those
cracks are still visible they're like
wounds and sometimes they don't ever go
away so i recommend this relationship
taking time instead of jumping to
drastic conclusions a lot of people in
relationship adapt and i'll talk about
in the last video about
tips and adaptability and what happens
and what's the best way to navigate all
of these faces in this particular phase
of wisdom and isolation you as a partner
may also destroy your energy
in the sense of being there for your
trans partners you may no longer
participate in their transition if you
were participating up to this point this
could be a phase where you also
destroying sexually and intimately if
you're sexually and intimate with your
partner where you just don't want to be
close to them
where you just don't want to be
giving them
any more of you emotional
energy because you're trying to restore
that energy for yourself and as you're
trying to research for yourself you're
trying to figure out what's really
important to you so like i said this is
a very difficult phase this is the face
where for trans partners now if you're
watching it the most best and most
important thing you can do for your
partners
is to give some space
is to be there for them this is now
where the tables are a little bit turned
and where you need to be more supportive
and where you need to give a little bit
more of yourself to them this is not and
i see this trans partner students um
without realizing they're doing it this
is usually when they're a little bit
maybe um in the middle of transition
when they're starting to express
themselves and they get a little bit
narcissistic about their gender because
you know you're feeling good you're
feeling great you're feeling confident
and you're running around your parents
and you're like look at me look how good
i look you're in your narcissistic i
call it narcissistic temporary bubble
and you're like look what i bought look
where i went look how good look at my
muscles look at my facial hair
listen to my voice
and your partner is emotionally
withdrawn they're isolated they're
trying to figure out
can i do this can i do this
is this something for me um
can i still love this person
can i move past the gender how much
gender matters to me um
what does it say about me that i'm
questioning all of the things does it
mean that i am transphobic partner does
it mean that i'm not supportive does it
mean that i'm putting so much emphasis
on gender versus love isn't love blind
partners are going through all kind of
feelings at this time of isolation and
visceral and reality chap and the last
things they need to do is to see their
transfer partners are being all in
fireworks and balloons and excitement
but this happens um because trans
partners don't know they're so excited
to about their gender and they're so
giddy and they want to share their
excitement with their partners but the
best thing you can do with the transport
and during this phase is to be theirs be
supportive to say what do you need
can i find you a therapist can i find
you somebody to talk to
be there for your partners
gives them that emotional energy that
they need versus
taking it from them
so this is the withdrawal phase and for
you as partners it's a very very
important phase again this is for you
asking yourself a lot of things a lot of
things uh what will it mean if i walk
away from this relationship what will
our kids think if i walk away from this
relationship am i abandoning my partner
do i look like an for ending
this relationship because you're going
through gender disorder and it's a
medical condition am i being cruel
all are normal questions and no you're
not being cruel you need to also think
about yourself and what will genuinely
work for you
nobody here's the thing guys
if you and i can't emphasize this enough
if people decide to stay in a
relationship out of pity
out of pity
out of
feeling sorry
for either you feel sorry you stay in
relation because you feel sorry for your
trans partner or trans person decides
not to transition because they feel
sorry for
you know for you not being able to
handle it
relationship based on pity
don't work
relationship based on period do not work
if you're going to compromise if you're
genuinely going to decide to stay in
relationship and to give something up
and to sacrifice something let's call it
sacrifice i hate that word
you have to truly be okay with doing
that
you have to truly be okay and to be
truly be okay that you need to think
about it
so this is your time as partners to
assess for yourself
it is in my book
always okay for partners to decide if
they can stay or if they need to go
it is okay
it is completely okay
i don't care if hundreds of people are
going to stand me and tell me that i'm
being an because every partner
should support their trans partner that
would be a beautiful fantasy but this is
not a reality as human beings we get
into relationship based on numerous
factors gender is one of them gender
tends to regulate for a lot of human
beings their sense of what attractive to
them their sense of their sexual desire
what excites them that's just reality
relationships also based on sex
sexuality is a tremendous part of any
relationship intimacy that's what drives
people together
i would love to live an ideal world
where we can distribute gender in a
relationship but we don't live in that
world yet
so for partners it becomes an important
thing
it becomes an important element
also on top of that
transgender individuals who are
transitioning while still maintaining a
lot of aspects of who they are and their
personality also bring out a lot of new
nuances about who they are why because
big chunk of your personality has been
dormant
and unable to express itself
because you were unable to express
gender identity in relationship to that
part of your personality so new nuan
things may come up
as you transition they're going to be
completely new to your partners
and as a result you may end up becoming
slightly different people than who you
are today
and your partners may not find that
attractive they may not find that
they no longer love you now they may
love you in a sense of love you as a
human being but they may no longer be in
love with you and we cannot force people
into being in love with them
i always say relationships are like book
chapters
we'll have this beautiful book chapters
about our relationship
with intimate partners and you know what
sometimes some relationships sometimes
come to an end
and it's nobody's fault things happen
and sometimes when they do come to an
end we have to acknowledge that it's
been so great that we've had each other
for this long in this chapter and we
have to part in order to make room for a
new chapter so
i want to really really emphasize and
acknowledge this for partners who are
watching this is the time for you to
really figure out what will work out for
you what i will say and i will share
that in the last video what i really
really um
encourage is if your relationship is
solid and there's a lot of emotional
investment
give a time don't rush to make drastic
decisions
a lot of things about you will change
too and you don't even know you'd be
surprised how you can adopt so sometimes
the longer you invest it in a
relationship and if it's a healthy
investment again if it's emotionally
positive relationship
the longer i think you have to give it
to try to see if things can be adaptable
and if things can be worked out what
that long is that's up for you to decide
i've seen people give
a relationship a year after transition
to see how it's going to work out
and the tier has been so worth it to
them because at least when they walk
away they have no regrets they know they
try to truly try it out
and they end amicably and they're not
angry at each other
so just don't rush things but definitely
think about yourself as a partner this
is your time to think about yourself i
support you it is valid um
i don't believe that a therapist has to
take one side another this is complex
situation people transitioning within
the relationship is difficult is complex
um and i think
you know being very punitive and uh
beating as a partner up for their
decisions that they can't handle is not
fair so you just have to decide what's
best for you and you have to make the
decision and that can be a painful
decision but it has to come to that so
if you're watching this comment below
let me know what was the spirit as a
partner of reality check and withdrawal
and isolation like for you what kind of
feelings of grieving
came up for you what kind of feelings of
sadness came up for you as a trans
partner what did you witness in your
partner during this phase was it
difficult for you to use that did some
of you had partners who said you know
what i'm sorry this is not going to work
out and i know this is so difficult to
hear guys like i said
dysphoria is a monster it's a
best
it doesn't give a what's fair it
doesn't give a about victims it
doesn't give a about breaking
families apart it doesn't give a
about breaking relationships apart
it doesn't care it's just it's there and
it affects people
and it's painful to witness that's all i
gotta say so comment below let me know
what was his face but this is face for
the partners to take care of themselves
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