Glennon Doyle presenting a live session About Boys and Men of present time

Summary

In this reflective talk, the speaker discusses the pressures and expectations placed on both men and women by societal norms, drawing parallels between her own experiences and the broader cultural 'taming' of genders. She shares her journey from feeling disconnected from men due to perceived performative gender roles to finding a new understanding and connection after her marriage to a woman. The speaker also expresses concern for her son, emphasizing the importance of allowing boys to express their full humanity without societal constraints. She calls for a collective conversation on breaking free from gender stereotypes to embrace a more compassionate and equitable society.

Takeaways

• 🕊️ The speaker discusses the impact of societal expectations and 'taming' on both men and women, suggesting that these pressures are equally present but manifest differently.
• 🌟 The speaker shares a personal struggle with punctuality and responsibility, attributing it to past experiences as an addict and the fear of disappointing others.
• 🔄 There's a noted change in how the speaker relates to men since marrying a woman, suggesting that the absence of traditional gender performances allows for deeper connections.
• 🚹 The script touches on the 'caging' of men's identities, where they are expected to exhibit certain behaviors such as dominance and stoicism, which are detrimental to their true selves.
• 👶 The speaker expresses concern for the societal messages that boys receive, which strip them of their vulnerability and humanity at an early age.
• 👧 The importance of challenging gender norms is emphasized, especially in raising children to be aware of and resist the toxic messages that can limit their potential.
• 💔 The speaker recounts a moment of realization about the double standards and harsher societal judgments faced by men when they attempt to express vulnerability or step outside traditional gender roles.
• 🗣️ The narrative includes a critique of the patriarchy and how it enforces gender roles through shaming and societal pressure, which maintains an unjust status quo.
• 🌐 The script suggests that dismantling gender stereotypes is not just a women's issue but a collective effort to free everyone from the constraints of prescribed gender behaviors.
• ❤️ The speaker concludes with a call for continued conversation and action to liberate boys and men from societal 'taming,' emphasizing the importance of empathy and humanity.

Q & A

Why did the speaker decide to hold the meeting on Memorial Day despite their initial hesitation?

The speaker decided to hold the meeting on Memorial Day because they felt nervous about not showing up for their audience, indicating a sense of responsibility and commitment to their routine.

What phobia does the speaker mention having, and how do they relate it to their past?

The speaker mentions having a phobia of being late or missing something they're supposed to be at, which they relate to their past as an addict, where they often disappointed people and missed events.

How does the speaker describe the 'cages' that both men and women are forced into by societal norms?

The speaker describes the 'cages' as societal constructs that force both men and women into prescribed roles, with men experiencing an 'equal and opposite taming' that confines them to certain behaviors and expectations.

Why has the speaker historically found it difficult to connect with men?

The speaker found it difficult to connect with men because she felt that both genders were performing their roles rather than being genuine, and she was particularly put off by what she perceived as a 'conquering energy' in men.

How has the speaker's relationship with men changed since marrying a woman?

The speaker's relationship with men has changed as she feels that the energy between her and men has shifted, suggesting that perhaps the need to perform gender roles is diminished, leading to more authentic interactions.

What realization does the speaker come to about her past interactions with men?

The speaker realizes that it wasn't men themselves she didn't like, but rather the performance of masculinity that she found off-putting.

What message did the speaker try to instill in her daughters to counteract societal messages about girls?

The speaker tried to instill in her daughters the message that they could be bold, brave, certain, ambitious, and hungry, and still be girls, aiming to raise them to be critical of societal lies rather than passive consumers of them.

Why does the speaker feel that men's humanity is often lost, and what examples does she provide?

The speaker feels that men's humanity is lost because they are taught from a young age to suppress tenderness and vulnerability in favor of ambition and conquest. She provides examples such as hazing incidents, military suicides, and toxic behaviors in positions of power.

What is the 'zookeeper' metaphor referring to in the context of the script?

The 'zookeeper' metaphor refers to societal and cultural forces that enforce gender roles and shame men back into their prescribed roles when they attempt to express vulnerability or step outside of traditional masculinity.

Why does the speaker believe that the expression of certain human traits is suppressed in society?

The speaker believes that the expression of traits like tenderness, mercy, and vulnerability is suppressed because these traits threaten the status quo of an unjust society that benefits from maintaining power imbalances and perpetuating harmful norms.

What is the speaker's call to action at the end of the script regarding the taming of men and boys?

The speaker calls for continued conversation and examination of how to free little boys from societal taming, emphasizing the importance of allowing them to retain their full humanity without shame or suppression.

Outlines

00:00

🌟 Personal Struggle with Responsibility and Gender Dynamics

The speaker begins by discussing their internal conflict over whether to hold a meeting on Memorial Day, reflecting on a personal anxiety stemming from past experiences as an addict. They express a fear of being late or missing commitments, which they believe is a remnant of their addiction. The speaker then transitions into a conversation about societal expectations and the 'taming' of both men and women, drawing parallels between their own experiences and the broader cultural pressures. They share their past difficulty in connecting with men, feeling that both genders were performing rather than being authentic. However, the speaker notes a shift in their relationships with men since marrying a woman, suggesting that the dynamic has become more genuine and less performative. The paragraph concludes with a newfound interest in understanding the 'taming' of men.

05:04

🌱 Raising Girls and the Impact of Cultural Messages

In the second paragraph, the speaker shares their personal journey of unlearning harmful cultural messages about femininity that they internalized as a child. They recount the restrictive and damaging expectations placed on girls, such as the need to be happy, small, and pleasing. The speaker expresses a deep commitment to protecting their daughters from these toxic messages, aiming to raise them to be strong and aware rather than passive consumers of culture. They describe various efforts to counteract these messages, including playing empowering content to their unborn children and reframing terms like 'bossy' as positive traits. The speaker also reflects on the broader societal implications of these gendered expectations, expressing concern for their son and the need to allow him the freedom to express his full humanity without being confined by traditional masculine roles.

10:07

🔒 The Consequences of Gender Stereotyping and Shaming

The final paragraph delves into the societal mechanisms that enforce gender roles and the consequences of challenging these norms. The speaker uses the example of a man who faced ridicule for joining a book club focused on a memoir by Glennon Doyle, illustrating how men are shamed for stepping outside of prescribed masculine behaviors. The speaker argues that these reactions are symptomatic of a misogynistic culture that uses gender roles to maintain power and control. They propose that by labeling certain traits as feminine, society can discredit them in both women and shame men into suppressing these qualities. The speaker concludes by questioning the necessity of these cultural prescriptions and the impact on both men and women, emphasizing the need for a collective conversation to challenge and change these norms.

Keywords

💡Memorial Day

Memorial Day is a federal holiday in the United States for remembering and honoring people who have died while serving in the military. In the script, the speaker contemplates whether to hold a meeting on this day, reflecting on the significance of commemoration and their personal commitment to their audience.

💡Phobia

A phobia is an irrational, persistent fear of a specific object, activity, or situation that leads to avoidance. The speaker mentions having a phobia related to punctuality and presence, stemming from their past experiences as an addict, which underscores the lasting impact of past actions on present behavior.

💡Irresponsible

Irresponsible refers to a lack of responsibility or an unwillingness to be accountable for one's actions. The speaker grapples with the dichotomy of being irresponsible during their addiction and now being responsible, questioning the authenticity of their current behavior.

💡Taming

Taming in the context of the script refers to the societal conditioning that restricts individuals, particularly men, to conform to certain roles and behaviors. The speaker discusses how men are 'tamed' into specific gender roles, which is a central theme of the video.

💡Gender Performance

Gender performance is the act of expressing oneself in a way that aligns with societal expectations of one's gender. The speaker describes feeling like both they and men around them were performing their genders, which created a barrier to genuine connection.

💡Conquering Energy

The term 'conquering energy' is used to describe a perceived sense of entitlement and dominance that the speaker feels from men in social situations. This energy is characterized by a lack of yielding or compromise, which the speaker finds off-putting.

💡Vulnerability

Vulnerability is the state of being open to attack or damage, but in a social context, it often refers to the willingness to show one's true feelings or weaknesses. The speaker contrasts the vulnerability they now experience with men against the previous 'performance' and appreciates the authenticity it brings.

💡Misogyny

Misogyny is the hatred, contempt, or prejudice against women. The script discusses how societal norms and expectations are rooted in misogyny, shaping the 'taming' of both men and women and limiting the expression of certain human qualities.

💡Humanity

Humanity refers to the qualities that define humans, such as compassion, empathy, and mercy. The speaker is concerned about the loss of humanity in men due to societal pressures and the impact this has on society as a whole.

💡Zookeepers

In the script, 'zookeepers' is a metaphor for the societal forces that enforce gender roles and norms. The speaker describes how these 'zookeepers' shame men back into their prescribed roles when they attempt to step out of them.

💡Portnoy's Complaint

Portnoy's Complaint is a novel by Philip Roth that explores themes of sexuality and identity. The speaker mentions it as an example of how men are shamed for expressing vulnerability or engaging in activities typically associated with women, like joining a book club.

Highlights

The speaker discusses their anxiety about not showing up for their audience, stemming from past experiences with addiction.

A personal phobia of being late or missing events is mentioned, which is hypothesized to be a residual effect from the speaker's past as an addict.

The concept of 'taming' is introduced as a societal force that pressures both men and women into conforming to gender roles.

The speaker shares a personal struggle with connecting to men due to perceived gender performances.

A shift in the speaker's relationship with men is described after marrying a woman, noting a change in the energy and interactions.

The realization that it's not men themselves but the societal performance of masculinity that the speaker dislikes is shared.

The speaker recounts how they tried to counteract toxic gender messages for their daughters by celebrating strong women.

An incident of a fraternity hazing death, a Navy SEAL's suicide, and stories of powerful men abusing their power are mentioned to illustrate the crisis of masculinity.

The speaker expresses concern for their son, wanting him to grow up with the freedom to express all aspects of his humanity.

The societal expectation for boys to suppress vulnerability and tenderness is critiqued as part of the 'taming' process.

The speaker reflects on the shaming responses a man received for joining a book club focused on understanding women better.

The concept of 'zoos' and 'zookeepers' is used as a metaphor for the patriarchy and the enforcement of gender roles.

The idea that gender roles are prescribed by society, not inherent, is discussed, challenging the notion that certain traits are inherently masculine or feminine.

The speaker theorizes that the strict enforcement of gender roles helps maintain the status quo by suppressing empathy and mercy.

The speaker calls for a continued conversation on how to free boys from the constraints of societal gender roles.

The importance of not viewing the issue as 'us versus them' but rather as a collective struggle against societal 'taming' is emphasized.

Transcripts

hi everybody

it's morning meeting time

I wasn't sure whether I should do our

meeting today or wait till tomorrow

because it's Memorial Day

um but I was just laying in bed feeling

nervous about not showing up for you

today I have this like phobia

it's like

if I feel like I'm about to be late to

something or I'm about to miss something

that I'm supposed to be at

I have a very hard time handling it

and I think it's left over from my

drinking days

I think when you're an addict you end up

missing so many things disappointing so

many people being late screwing things

up

um

that now I'm just like terrified of

doing that in any way it's like

I'm always trying to figure out okay

am I a responsible person

who was just being irresponsible for

that time of my drinking or am I an

irresponsible person who's just acting

responsible now

feels precarious

so um

anyway

um today I want to talk about

men

and boys

um

you know I wrote Untamed about women and

about how women

um

lose ourselves

by the way that we're programmed by our

culture

but it could have just as easily been

written about men

because men have an equal and opposite

taming

right they are forced into cages just

like we are at the same time we are by

the same Force as we are

they just kind of have opposite cages

um

and you know I've actually I've had a

hard time

relating to and connecting with men

for most of my life

um

I just always felt and this is just I'm

sharing my personal very personal

experiences this is not

a generalization in my life I always had

this feeling

in the presence of men that we were all

performing

that like they were performing their

gender and I was performing my gender

and so there was it was very hard to

connect

as real human beings

and I felt like there was this energy

this

thing that men have that was sort of

like this conquering energy like they

just were like in felt entitled to

conquer

the people in a room the space in a room

the the

um

talk time in a room

I didn't like that energy it was like

there was no yield to it no yield on the

sidewalk no yield in a room no yield in

a conversation

um

I didn't like that energy and I didn't

like my energy around men

I felt like I was always like catering

and trying to like

make sure they were comfortable and

laughing at jokes that I didn't think

were funny and like turning into a

one-woman audience

then there was the gender and the sex

thing

that was always there in the air

just making it awkward

and then y'all ever since I've been

married to a woman

that is all changing it's slowly

changing but it is fascinating and Abby

and I talk about it all the time men and

uh men and I just seem to be relating

differently

it's like the energy has changed

between us it's like maybe

they don't have to perform anymore for

me or I don't have to perform for them

or they don't have to put on their

conquering energy anymore because I'm

unconquerable now

foreign

I don't know it's like men have been

actually talking to me

instead of performing for me and that

has been beautiful because what I've

learned is that it was never the men

that I didn't like it was the

performance of a man

that I didn't like

um

and so I've been having some really good

conversations with men where they're

showing me their Untamed real selves and

I have

found myself caring deeply about them as

we always do when we show each other our

true selves right when we stop

performing

and so I've just become freshly obsessed

it's like all I think about these days

about how do we examine

The Taming of men

right you know

I um when I was a little girl I got

really sick from the messages in the air

about how to be a girl

right I was told that girls have to be

happy and grateful and accommodating and

pleasing and small and that girls

weren't supposed to be hungry and

um

and I was right those messages were in

the air

and I took them seriously and got really

sick I can't believe like when I was 10.

and that lasted forever and took up half

my life

um and so when I got pregnant with my

girls

I just became obsessed with making sure

that they didn't get sick

from the toxic messages about girls in

the air

because in

in a culture with so much misogyny in

the air little girls either get sick or

they get pissed

right they either breathe in the lies

and it makes them sick or they see all

the lies and keep it out

and that makes them pissed and so I just

wanted to raise little girls who were

pissed

and I remember putting

earphones on my belly when I was

pregnant and playing interviews and

stories of complicated women and I

remember you know we'd be out in the in

the world and I'd see women and I'd

point to them and we'd say I wonder what

that woman is I wonder if she's a

scientist or a CEO or a

and uh when people call my little girl's

bossy I'd say yes don't doesn't she have

amazing leadership skills

and at night I'd whisper to them oh baby

you can be

bold and you can be brave and you can be

certain and you can be ambitious and you

can be hungry and you can still be a

girl

and it worked I am I mean these girls

are

these girls I've got are pretty

they are not

just consumers of our culture they don't

just swallow the lies in the air they

can see them and point to them

but one day I was watching the news a

long time ago and there were all these

news

um stories right in a row and one was

about this hazing incident where this

fraternity had

um made this little boy drink so much

that he had died and the other one was

about this

um Navy SEAL who had just died of

suicide from PTSD and another one was

about these six white men in power who

had just crushed these

um

employees of theirs and and just just

story after Story of men

losing their Humanity

and the trickle-down effects of that on

the world and I just thought oh

I have a son too

and I haven't been whispering in his ear

oh honey you can be uncertain and tender

and feeling and complicated

and merciful and still be a boy

you know

little boys

God they get tamed so early right

away they learn to earn their identity

as boy and to learn their belonging in

the boys club that they have to hide all

of their um tenderness that they have to

not be vulnerable at all that they have

to conquer girls that they have to

um become rich and famous and Conquer

conquer conquer conquer conquer and that

they can't be uncertain right

they can't be feeling I mean I know that

women have a hard

place

we've got a lot of work to do for

equality but I wouldn't trade places

with a man for all the money in the

world

and the way it works is that when as

soon as a man tries to step outside

of their cage they get shamed back in by

the zookeepers there's this man who

wrote this tweet

recently on Twitter he said in my first

ever book club I'm the only dude which

is how we ended up reading Glennon

Doyle's Untamed it's moving and

thought-provoking fellas if you want to

better understand the women in your life

or just appear to be the sensitive type

highly recommend it here are the

responses to this guy who tried to step

out of his cage

love the new parody account

looks like you stumbled into the wrong

Zoom

hard pass

trouser among the skirts I'm in a book

club too there are no ladies we've never

read a book each book Night features a

different themed beer

call the authorities you've been

kidnapped ah joining an all women's book

club nice cover I can't believe you

admitted this LOL I pity you

I could see if your gal Pals were

reading fiction except for romance but

the work of a serial memoirist for you a

writer to confess that must have John

Steinbeck spinning in his grave

those were the responses to this man

and then the sad part

see we come out of our cage the

zookeepers come

this is the tribal shaming right to try

to push us back in our cage

and then we slink back into our cage

like this here's what he finally says in

response to all this tribal shaming

have you ever heard of the Trojan Horse

I'm pushing for Port nice complaint

so we know portney's complaint is a book

about a man and his dark sexual drive

and how it causes shame for him and his

sexual conquests

so you see what happened

he stepped out and tried to admit that

he was a vulnerable man who needed

connection and to learn about being

human and when he got shamed back in his

cage he said oh I was just joking I'm

just here for the

I don't know

it's so sad

and you know it's all misogyny

the zoo is the patriarchy and the bars

of every cage ours and the boys

it's all misogyny all these messages say

just get back in your cage your man cage

don't be a girl girls are bad

even the names they used to insult each

other think about this

the names they use to push each other

back in their cage

um

douchebag

son of a

they all are really insults to women

all massage me

the source of all of our Taming of men's

tamings of women of women's taming it's

all the hatred of women

why

why would this programming be so

important to power

I have a theory

gender is not wild it's prescribed when

we say girls are nurturing and boys are

ambitious girls are soft and boys are

tough girls are emotional and boys are

stoic we are not telling truths we are

sharing beliefs beliefs that have become

mandates

if these statements seem true it's

because everyone has been so well

programmed

human qualities are not gendered what is

gendered is permission to express

certain traits

why why would our culture prescribe such

strict gender roles and why would it be

so important for our culture to label

all tenderness and mercy as feminine

because disallowing the expression of

these qualities is the way the status

quo keeps its power

in a culture as imbalanced as ours in

which a few hoard billions While others

starve in which Wars are fought for oil

in which children are shot and killed

while gun manufacturers and politicians

collect the blood Money Mercy humanity

and vulnerability cannot be tolerated

mercy and empathy are great threats to

an unjust Society

so how does culture squash the

expression of these traits

in a misogynistic culture all that is

needed is to label them feminine

then we can forever discount them in

women and forever shame them out of men

tada

no more messy world-changing tenderness

to deal with

we can continue on without our shared

Humanity challenging the status quo in

any way

foreign

so what do we do

I don't have any answers today I just

want to talk about it how what do we do

to get our little boys free because I

want my little boy to be able to keep

all of his Humanity

let's keep talking about it

it's not US versus them

it's Us and Them

versus our taming

I love you