Why You Should Disappoint Your Parents | Desiree Akhavan | TED

Summary

In this heartfelt speech, the speaker explores the cultural expectations and pressures faced by children of immigrants, particularly Iranian immigrants. She shares her personal journey of coming out as gay, the initial rejection by her family, and the eventual acceptance. Through her experiences, she encourages others to challenge societal norms, be honest with themselves, and live life on their own terms.

Takeaways

• 🧜‍♀️ The speaker was deeply influenced by 'The Little Mermaid' as a child, despite her mother's disapproval due to the character's disobedience.
• 👩‍👧 The speaker's mother preferred the character Belle from 'Beauty and the Beast', who exemplifies sacrifice, reflecting the expectations placed on children of immigrants.
• 🏠 The speaker argues that children of immigrants are often raised with the belief that their lives are not their own, but belong to their parents or community.
• 💑 The speaker's parents were good, obedient Iranian children whose marriage was arranged, setting a precedent for the speaker's own life expectations.
• 🏳️‍🌈 The speaker's coming out as gay to her Iranian parents was a significant moment that challenged traditional norms and expectations within her family.
• 🗣️ The speaker's brother, born in Iran, embodies a sense of propriety that contrasts with the speaker's more straightforward, American-born personality.
• 💬 Iranian culture is characterized by indirect communication and the practice of 'tarof', which involves offering things one does not intend to give.
• 🏡 Being an Iranian immigrant involves a sense of loss and homesickness for a homeland that may no longer exist as remembered, with cultural practices deeply ingrained.
• 🎬 After coming out, the speaker lost her fear and began to express herself more openly through writing and filmmaking, leading to personal and professional success.
• 👨‍👩‍👧‍👦 The speaker's parents eventually accepted her sexuality, demonstrating that relationships can evolve and adapt to change.
• 🚀 The speaker encourages others to challenge parental and societal expectations, urging honesty and self-determination in life choices.

Q & A

What was the speaker's initial perception of 'The Little Mermaid'?

The speaker initially perceived 'The Little Mermaid' as a work of genius when she was five years old.

Why did the speaker's mother disapprove of 'The Little Mermaid'?

The speaker's mother disapproved of 'The Little Mermaid' because she believed the mermaid's actions in the film, such as disobeying her father and chasing a man, put her entire species at risk and represented the ungrateful, spoiled product of the worst in American culture.

Who did the speaker's mother want her to emulate?

The speaker's mother wanted her to emulate Belle from 'Beauty and the Beast'.

What cultural expectation did the speaker feel as the daughter of Iranian immigrants?

The speaker felt the expectation that her life would never truly be her own, but would always be influenced by her parents' or her community's expectations.

What did the speaker argue about disappointing one's parents?

The speaker argued that disappointing one's parents could be the best thing that ever happened to an individual, suggesting that it might lead to personal growth and self-discovery.

How did the speaker describe her parents' marriage?

The speaker described her parents' marriage as not arranged but introduced, and they were married three months after meeting.

What was the speaker's experience when she came out to her parents as gay?

The speaker described coming out to her parents as a terrifying experience, akin to jumping off a skyscraper. She faced various reactions from her family, including her mother's desire for more information and her father's silence.

What cultural practice did the speaker describe as 'tarof'?

'Tarof' is described as the art of disingenuous generosity, a cultural practice among Iranians where they offer things they don't actually want to offer and say things they don't actually mean, but must, out of mandatory, aggressive politeness.

How did the speaker describe the experience of being an Iranian immigrant?

The speaker described being an Iranian immigrant as being born a widow, growing up intrinsically homesick for a place that no longer exists the way their family remembers it.

What did the speaker do after coming out to her family?

After coming out, the speaker started writing and eventually co-created a web series with her girlfriend at the time, which was about superficial, homophobic lesbians. This marked a shift in her work that began to resonate with others.

What was the speaker's advice to the audience regarding their parents' expectations?

The speaker challenged the audience to disappoint their parents by questioning the rules passed down from their parents and to live life according to their own standards rather than blindly following others' expectations.